Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

To have that little empathy for what you, his children or his parents must have gone through when he disappeared, is an insane level of sociopathy. Try not to get sucked back in - unless he has a VERY good explanation, shows genuine remorse for how he has treated everyone and stops hiding things/lying to you, I’d be getting divorce papers ready to serve him when you meet up. Don’t expect any CMS from a flaky fucker like that though…

If he can’t be honest, can’t account in detail for the last few months, can’t apologise for leaving you in the lurch or acknowledge even the slightest shred of how awful this must have been for everyone he’s left behind, I couldn’t trust him again.

I think he either been in prison or sectioned, that the police found him/knew where he was leads to one of these being the answer. However the OP did report the car missing- so maybe the police found the car and he simply said he was OK and did not wish to have contact.
In the case of MH if the patient, who is an adult, does not want their next of kin informed that is their right.
Wherever he has been- its probably better for the OP to talk to him and at least get answers. Only she can decide where to go from here.
Xx

yeah his mum knows now. I told her soon as he showed up. she was shocked but also kind of calm, think she’s just relieved he’s not dead. she hasn’t got anything more out of him than I have though. he’s been just as vague with her. she was helping me a bit with the DC when she could but she’s not local and she was struggling too not knowing anything.

I would be careful here. I suspect she may well have known at some point in the last 6 months - and maybe was encouraging him to come home. I would drive by the MILs house late one evening and expect you will see his car parked nearby.

Watch and wait.

People go to great lengths to protect their children even when they know they are in the wrong. I suggest that's where he is now 'sofa surfing at a mates'.

Other people likely know. Good friends etc. They never speak up.

You will never ever get the truth from this character. Dont stress or humilate yourself trying get answers. They wont be true and will only fuck with your head.

This is what he is capabale of doing to his DCs and to you. He needs to be gone. Let him persue child access through the courts.

Get divorce procedings started. Dont even tell him (or his Mum or mates) anything. He is emotionally incredibly cruel and dangerous. Dont expose you or your DCs to him. Get some professional support for yourself if you can.

If he'd been in prison wouldn't there be some newspaper report which would come up by googling?

I don't think the police finding him leads to that conclusion. So many ways for the police to get in touch with someone. e.g. work may have passed on a message to him to contact the police.

First of all he would not have been sectioned under the mental health act without you knowing about it. The social workers (AMHP) who complete the section are legally obliged to contact the next of kin and would be able to access his NHS records. As others have suggested prison is a possibility as the police wouldn’t have been obliged to inform you unless he gave permission. Personally I think OW is the most likely option. I’m appalled at what he did and hope you won’t accept him back. Well done for managing during these last six months.

His mother’s response was calm confirms to me she knew, certainly before you did. She was almost certainly ensuring he was in new clothes, shaven and presentable for his return - unless he has upped his game since being with the other woman.

I would be careful about trusting his family op. Although this is not their fault, they will always prioritise him.

You can, with this knowledge, now move on op. It clears the way for you to now focus on yourself and dc. He has taken enough joy away already.

Nah he went and left you to juggling everyone and everything. He does not get to swan back in. How could you ever trust him again? I would be on edge all the time and every time he went out that he was gone again. How has he been supporting himself? Presumably he’s lost his job. The stress he has put on you, your kids and his parents, the damage can never be undone. For me he would never be welcome back no matter the circumstances of his departure. There is no excuse for inflicting that cruelty on his family. He needs to live separate and slowly try to rebuild some sort of relationship with you all… but only if you want to and only if it won’t harm your children even more. So sorry he has done this. I hope you have support - maybe some counselling for you and your children might help? X

That man walked out on you and 3 children aged 7, 5 and 2 and left you to cope. Left no money, no message. Nothing!
What kind of man does that to those he proclaims he loves !!!!
You and your darling children deserve so much better.
Is there any way you could afford a private detective to investigate ?
I’d say there was another woman.
How did you cope ?
Did you have a mortgage to pay ?
You are another heroic Mum who kept the show on the road 👏🏻💐

Another one raging for you OP.

if he genuinely cared for you and the DC he would have rung you first rather than just appear to avoid this awful impact on the kids. He is thinking of himself and what works for him and him alone

Can you speak to the school and see if there is an option of play therapy for your eldest to help them make sense of what has happened.

As far as your H is concerned it’s very clear he does not intend to tell you what he has been doing. How can you accept him back in that basis? It will destroy your mental health and your DC need one parent they can count on.

I would meet with him but not allow him back to the house. Take a notepad and take notes of what he says. Think first about what you want. If you don’t know right now that’s fine. You take all the time you need. I suggest you ask for a financial contribution towards his children. and tell him he needs to wait until you have had the time to think things through

wishing you all the best

yeah honestly I think you’re right. I’ve thought about the lottery thing too or inheritance or something random cos the way he came back didn’t scream crisis. he looked well. like better than he did when he was here last.

I’ve been turning it all over in my head since he showed up and none of it adds up. and you’re bang on – the kids cried for him for months. they asked if he was dead. my youngest said he thought daddy had been taken. the damage is already done and he hasn’t even said sorry.

I hadn’t thought about his mum maybe knowing at some point. I don’t want to believe that but now I’ve got the seed in my head I probably will go for a little drive tbh. wouldn’t surprise me if that’s where he’s been. or at least passing through.

I’m not sure I’ll ever get the full story like you say. and trying to get it out of him just makes me feel like I’m begging for scraps. he made his choices. I’m just trying to pick up the pieces and keep the kids safe.

might speak to a solicitor this week. I don’t want him thinking he can just stroll back in. if he wants to see the kids it’ll be on my terms and through proper channels.

thanks again. honestly I’ve never felt so knocked sideways in my life but reading all this helps me feel a bit more sane x

Please considering contacting the charity Missing People. They're not just there for when someone is missing, they're also there to support those (formerly) left behind.
https://www.missingpeople.org.uk/get-help/help-services/practical-help/when-they-come-home#4-talk-to-us

I would not let him near my children for anything in the world, let alone in my home with them. He is harmful for them.
And who cares about an affair? Honestly, he just sounds like a sociopath. Do what you need to do to get him out of your lives, this time for good.
I'm really sorry that you and your children are suffering 🙏

Aye, get your ducks in a row, OP. Those poor kids, and he hasn't expressed even a bit of remorse. Callous - even if he genuinely was unwell.

Fucking hell OP. Tell him to get to fuck. What a selfish prick. All about him of course.

he absolutely will do it again. He has no respect for any of you. Your poor kids must be so confused and it must have been horrendous for you.

he definitely went off with another woman and it hasn’t worked out.

Suntan, phone, clothes and fuller face means the previous woman spent a lot of money feeding, clothing, providing a phone and taking him on holiday before she'd got rid of the cocklodger (or he walked out because he got fed up with her kids over Easter and Half Term/he hadn't got a job like he promised her he would as soon as he 'got back on his feet' after being so cruelly kicked out by you because you'd been seeing another man and taking all his money', that sort of shite).

He could have been in prison for an offence he is afraid to admit to you. Such as a sexual offence; it would account for the police knowing he was safe, giving up his job and the vagueness about his whereabouts.
People released are given a small amount of money so he could have bought clothes, and looking tanned could have been from being outside in this country recently.
Very difficult for you, but you know him best and only you can decide whether or not you can come to terms with what he has done and reconnect. I wish you well.

It’s a terrible, terrible shock, but you can use the facts as anchors. Yes he is back which is better than the alternative, it now at least gives you all peace of mind.

You can use the memories of your children’s pain to remind yourself why he can never be allowed to do this again to you or them.

You will find a way forward op. At least you know now. He is alive and well. The next chapter is the one you get to choose.

Oh hell NO OP. He doesn't get to just turn up as if nothing happened. I hope that he tells the truth. Your poor children. And poor you!!!

Surely the police would have informed her if he was in prison when she reported him missing? Wouldn’t they?!

I also agree that it’s likely his mum knew more than she’s been letting on. Especially with her reaction when you told her. A mum would most likely do as her son asked even if she didn’t agree with it. After all, she knew you had been told he was safe and well. Also, for him to come back to you in this way, he must have had some inside knowledge you didn’t have a new partner who may have been there when he turned up!

As important as finding out why he left, OP, is finding out why he wants to be back in your life.

To me, it’s very clear that he’s run out of resources (whatever/whoever they are) and he just wants an easy solution to his problems. I say “easy” because he clearly feels it’s easy to walk back into his old life. He assumes you’ll take him back. This is obvious from the way he can’t be bothered to say sorry or make up a reasonable excuse for the terrible thing he’s done to his family.

He’s not back because he’s missed you or the children. Or because he’s consumed with guilt. Please never forget that and never, please, be tempted to accept him back in the family.

Also - why have this talk with him? You owe him nothing after what he’s done.

Your poor children. He has done a lot of damage. I really hope that things work out for you and your DC's.

It's up to you, but there's no chance I would have him back. You will never be able to trust him again.