Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

I’d talk to him somewhere neutral and keep the kids away from him for now.

I don’t think I’d be able to ever trust that he wouldn’t do it again.

posisbly even take anything divorce wise that needs signing with you if possible.

What was he living on? If he was sofa surfing he had no permanent address, so signing on for benefits will have been hard - where was the money coming from? And how did the police find him? Both of those things make me think 'prison', but if he's out after such a short time he ought to have a probation officer, ankle tag or something surely? He couldn't keep those hidden for long.

Could he have been sent down for a driving offence? They tend not to keep them in for too long for those.

Whatever it was, he's still an utter dick and doesn't deserve to be allowed back.

You absolutely cannot let him weasel his way back in. Especially as he appears to be withholding information and doesn't seem overly concerned about the trauma and distress he has and is causing to you and his children. It would not be a salvageable relationship for me. He has shown you who he is through his actions and you must protect yourself from him.

When he disappeared did you not contact his place of employment then to find out if he had turned up and find out he no longer worked there?

You could do a clares law to check if any convictions come back but if it had been a criminal conviction the police likely would have been at your house at some point.

I think it's more likely there is an ow. I can't imagine friends would let him sofa surf and not make you aware he was safe or alternatively a mental health facility?

I wouldn't be able to ever trust him again so would have to end it. What a nightmare he's put you through.

If someone was missing you would contact their workplace, check if bills are paid etc.

It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

He’s obviously not been sofa surfing locally or he would have been spotted in the last 6 months. The fact he couldn’t give you the name of a person he spent any considerable time with means he would have been constantly moving around.

That is unlikely unless he ended up with a drug addiction problem and was hanging out with drug users he didn’t know. If this is the case I doubt he’s sober and safe to be around children without any treatment. And part of treating drug addiction is owning your mistakes and being accountable - which he is not doing.

If he went to prison for something he can’t admit to because it would be worse than abandoning his family then it is likely that your house would have been searched and devices taken, and you would need to be notified if he was going to be around children. Anything less than this type of abhorrent crime wouldn’t make sense to lie about now.

If he left you for OW she would likely have been living in a different part of the country or abroad. He planned it by leaving his job, probably because he knew he wouldn’t be able to work in that role in his new location. Obviously things haven’t panned out and now he’s back with minimal information because he knows he can’t explain it coherently without admitting the truth. This seems like the most realistic option.

Sounds like the honeymoon period with the OW is over.

I'd be discussing financial arrangements for the future. Nothing more.

In a way Op it doesn't matter why he's back, what matters is he's being so vague about everything, where he went, what he did, why he left in the first place. If he wants you to even consider taking him back you need him to tell you all the answers to your questions, unless he's at least willing to be honest now I wouldn't entertain taking him back for a second. Either he tells you the absolute truth or he can go away again for good.

Neutral ground. With a friend that will sit quietly and hold your hand if you need it. Take five of your most pressing questions and start there calmly, slowly. Fact checking. No wine and no dinner. A cup of tea at most.
I would want to see his phone given the breach of trust, that would be checked.
The phone history. The messages, WAs and tracking.
I would want full disclosure or nothing at all.

Given the gravity of what he has done, unless he can prove with evidence he was stood on a bridge, and spent five months walking the streets - in which case he will need a full psychiatric assessment before coming anywhere near the children. Then I would be separating officially with him moved back with his parents. I can’t see how you can continue without trust and confidence that he won’t just leave again. It would be grotesquely unfair on the children. Are you all in counselling? If not, you really need to be.

He has traumatised everyone op, unless he was incapacitated (unlikely) then how can you risk putting them through this all
again?

Have you ever checked the court rolls to see if he was up in court around that time?

Hard no! What kind of person just disappears & abandons their family. I could never get past that.

you lot are honestly making more sense than anything he’s said.

when I saw him first thing I noticed was he didn’t look rough at all. clean, shaved, bit of a tan actually and a bit fuller in the face than he was before. definitely not looking like someone who’s been sofa surfing for months. clothes looked new too.

I did call his work back in Jan when he first vanished and they just said he no longer worked there, nothing else. assumed he’d handed in notice and not said anything to me about it cos he was clearly shutting down a bit. didn’t think he’d do a full runner though.

asked where he’s staying now and he just said “mate’s place” wouldn’t say who or where. says he’s got no phone atm either which is a lie cos I saw it in his pocket. so yeah I think he’s still hiding stuff.

not once has he said who helped him all this time. no names. no details. just vague waffle. I’d get if it was a MH crisis but you’d think at some point you’d leave a message or send a letter or ask someone to reach out.

money wise again he didn’t say but he’s clearly not broke. turned up in clean clothes, said he’d had a job “here and there” but wouldn’t say what.

I’m leaning towards OW too now. probably thought grass was greener, didn’t work out, now trying to crawl back. but without even being honest. and yeah if it was something worse like prison or addiction it would’ve shown in some way surely?

he’s given me no reason to trust him again and tbh I’m past trying to make sense of it. just want to protect the kids now. they don’t deserve any of this. none of us do.

I feel the latter.

Does his mum know he’s back?
Maybe he’ll be more honest with her?

Bloody hell.

How did he manage financially? Any withdrawals from his bank? Did he take a load of cash with him? His car?

If he left without money or car, and has arrived back apparently well fed, healthy , hair cut, I would think prison. Otherwise how was he feeding himself?

Which would also have enabled the police to
locate him v quickly and easily.

But…. To put you, his kids, his Mum through that…

I would meet to hear him out but say he has one chance to tell you everything. With detail. Sofa surfing? Name the people. Nothing vague, no avoidance, first lie: there is no point. That to make a decision you need the complete truth, no matter how shocking or difficult. If he cannot trust you with that you can not trust him to come back.

Cross posted with your update.

A bit of a tan and new clothes doesn’t sound like prison.

Nah, he has to do better than vague unnamed ‘mates’

Did he leave his passport behind?

I think there are parallels here with finding out your DP has been having an affair - the person doing the cheating is way ahead of the unaware partner being cheated on, and can plan their 'big reveal' when it suits them - as your DH has by returning when he wanted to - leaving you, like a cheated on partner, completely blindsided. You must feel like you've been fired out of a cannon.

Give yourself time, OP, and don't allow him to manipulate you into doing anything you're uncomfortable with. Whatever his reasons for leaving, you've kept the home running and the children cared for - he owes you respect for that at least.

Yep, as others said, it didn't work out with OW and now he needs someone else to wash his socks. Tell him to get fucked.

One of the most bizarre things I’ve read on mn. You don’t just disappear for months and then expect to carry on as if nothing else has happened.

It sounds like the police knew where was and/or that he was safe and well, but he forbid them to tell you his whereabouts ( which is his prerogative).

I b wouldn’t have him back. That ship sailed when he left you home alone .

if not a woman, could it have been a man?

I'm thinking prison - I'd ask to see his bank account.

When they section someone, they write to the next of kin, so the OP would have been informed.

Which leaves amnesia and adultery...

If he was sofa surfing you would assume at least one person was a mutual friend when you have 3 DC with someone.
The problem with taking him back is how he could just do it again.
I'm going with other woman it's quite common for a cheater to say I will just spend Xmas /new year with kids then come to you.
Happened to my brother absolutely did not see it coming 2 nd Jan the same!
For someone to get nearly 6 months in prison

1. Would they pack the job in in December or ask them to keep it open
2. What would the crime be ?
3. Would DH be capable of such a crime?
4. Has he done time before or offended?
5. How likely are you to get a 6 month sentence for a first offence?

He has lied to you so you aren't going to get the truth. Feel for you and the children OP you have had a shit year. What a bastard.💐

This is unforgivable. How could any good father do that to his children. Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

And what was happening financially in his absence? Were you just carrying the burden of all that too?

I’d be livid OP, I wouldn’t even be able to look at him never mind welcome him back into the home.

Stay strong. You don’t deserve any of this. It’s horrible. He hasn’t got enough respect for you to tell you where he’s been and is clearly lying about his phone etc. Bloody shocking! Keep your distance. Protect those babies. You can do it without him. You know you can. He doesn’t respect you. Show him your worth by calmly sending him on his way. I’m furious for you. Anything could’ve happened to you or the kids and he hasn’t been there to support you. What a joke! Cruel joke. I want to give you a big hug. That’s not a man you need love.xx

I wouldn't let him back actually, no matter what he says.
He left without even letting your know and just disappeared for 5 months.
If you let him back he could do this again. He's done it once so he knows he can do it and so if you let him back you're showing him that's it ok.

I'd listen to his explanation but I don't think there's anything he could say that would make you risk taking him back.

God, what an absolute bastard. Nothing constructive to say OP, I’m just so sorry you’re experiencing this. I’d never take him back, not in a month of Sundays.