Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

I'd be very afraid he was just trying to win back long enough to grab the kids and disappear again. No way would I ever leave my kids alone with him.

I'm so sorry OP. Please seek an immediate lives with order for the children, to prevent him ever disappearing with them if you ever give him contact. He's put you all through hell and no amount of excuses will make that right. In the long run, it doesn't matter where he has been, the trust has been broken. You've managed this long on your own. I would not be welcoming him back at any point and would start divorce proceedings. He needs to step up financially in the meantime for his children, possibly even paying a private counselling fee for them on top of living costs due to what he has caused. Big hugs to you and the children 💐

With reference to her MIL, OP has also said this:

'yeah I’ve been thinking that more and more tbh. I don’t want to believe it cos she’s been decent to me in the past but something’s off. it was like she wasn’t shocked enough. and you’re right she’s been pretty quiet for months now looking back
she hasn’t offered money no. she did bits with the kids when she could like picked them up a couple times or sent them cards etc but nothing regular. and nothing when things were really hard.'

None of her DH's friends have got in touch with her the whole time he was away. Surely if her DH had disappeared and hadn't contacted his friends at all, they would also be really worried about him and regularly asking her if she had any news?

Her DH has turned up looking fuller in the face, relaxed and tanned and wearing new clothes. I come from a family with a history of significant mental health problems and I can categorically say that no-one returned after stays in hospital looking as though they'd been on holiday.

Her DH is still being untruthful, vague and unapologetic which are usually more signs of infidelity than a mental breakdown.

OP won’t be back.

I think the lack of honesty will be a worm at the heart of your relationship. Unless your DH can honestly tell you what happened I can't see how you can continue as partners in a marriage. The way he has acted leaving you and his DC not knowing where on earth he was, not contacting you, not sending any support, he is going to have to walk a mountain to rebuild trust with you all. I mean, could you trust him enough to have access to the children even if the marriage is over? I don't think you can resolve this instantly. Perhaps a series of conversations in a neutral place if you can find someone to look after the DC could help you get clarity about where you want to go with this. I'm so sorry that you and your children are going through this. It's unbelievably tough. You have done and are doing so so well. One day you will look back at this part of your life and marvel that you survived this and fought so hard to keep stability for your DC. Sending you love and my very best wishes xxx

OP when you claim CMS (And you really should), you will find out if he has been/is working or not. That might give some answers?

@throwawaymum2024 dont think OP is coming back to this thread!

Of course he hasn’t had a breakdown.

but mental illness is a catch-all used to excuse all manner of behaviour these days.

just ignore. That poster is clearly projecting.

So sorry for your experience. You are dealing with a victim creator. That's the price of being with someone so selfish and shockingly empathy free, you get victimised. Jog him on, protect the kids.
This man lacks the emotional capacity to nurture those children. I know that's a strong thing to say but it isn't that he left, it's HOW he left and now he's 'sorted' he's still acting like he has main character syndrome.
I wish you every luck. You are all worth better than this.

Op needs to seek legal advice about getting a lives with order for the dc... If he has plans to flee with the dc the police won't intervene without an order... And they may be gone for good..

My goodness, what an awful situation! How on earth did you manage financially? Was he still contributing to the mortgage and the bills? It sounds as though he’s had a mental breakdown and my concern would be that he will do it again. Sometimes it’s easier just to cope on your own rather than have to deal with the ups and downs of this kind of situation, but obviously it’s your call. You need to sit down and have a really frank conversation, but the fact that he wouldn’t answer any of your calls and let you know where he was is very concerning. I wish you all the best.

I know someone who husband did a similar thing when he ran off with OW, he came back when the money run out, they had young kids, he just walked back though the door like he had never been away, she took him back, he had another affair a few years later and they split. Leopards don’t change their spots. I expect there were other affairs she didn’t know about. You don’t just walk out on your family. I could never understand why she took him back.

I'm thinking of you and your 3 very young children here - change the locks NOW!

For him to do that for you, for whatever reason and to ghost you for that long without any explanation and to cut off his children is unforgivable - breakdown or not.

TRUST is so incredibly important in any relationship and that has been broken here. I personally would not be able to trust him ever again. However, with time and therapy and counselling perhaps you can - but it has to be on your terms.

You have to tread carefully for your own sanity and that of the children. This must be so incredibly confusing and stressful for them.

Please look after yourself and put you and them first. keep him at arms lengths ideally much, MUCH further!

I hope OP managed to get some of the truth because the unknown mustve been driving you crazy

I don’t think it’s drugs. I’d know.

No you wouldn't know. Thats not to say he was or wasn't... but don't be naive.

I don’t like the way he’s still lying about not having a phone, you would think he’d be as ho eat as possible after everything

This happened to a friend of mine but he went missing for 8 years, they actually declared him dead, turned out he was in London. He didn't knock on her door she just found out one day turned out he had a complete breakdown.

However, if it were myself I wouldn't be able to take them back that would be it for me but everyone is different.

Hi Op, it's clear that your main priority is your children and I know you're worried sick about them. I've been in their shoes. My mum divorced my father and after that he disappeared into thin air, the only thing he said was "I'm off, the kids are dead to me, I won't be in touch". I didnt see him for 10 years. It hurt at the time but I promise you they will be OK, they will thrive because they have you ❤️

I'd hear what he has to say. People can have a complete breakdown and just want to disappear (which he did disappear) but I'd definitely want the full story. Why didn't he leave a note, saying he just had to get away for a while, or even a text message. But I'd want proof of where he's been and who with for that long.
No proof and genuine remorse sorry I'd say, I'm not risking it again. Was he working before he "went"? In debt? You need answers /explanation at the very least. If he's clean and tidy he's not been sleeping rough.

The OP doesn't have to do this. She's entitled to put herself and the kids first and wash her hands of him. He's not entitled to anything from her.

Could you leave your bag in his car when you meet up and there’s an AirTag in your bag? Just to keep your bag safe? Then find out where he goes. Turn up and get the bag back. Then you’ll know. I know it’s stalker ish but this is one of those situations where I dunno I’d want to know so much what he’s playing at for your kids sake. I’ll get roasted for this but it’s just how I feel. You don’t have to do it.

Have you tried goggling his name, OP? It might turn up some social media of him with another woman or some news article if he was in custody. I'm great at this type of thing (I've unearthed many a married man who wanted relations with me this way). If you want me to do some digging for you, I'm up for it.

Wow, this is insane. The just disappearing like that is one issue but the way he's acting on his return is a whole other issue!

Best case scenario would be he was forced to leave in some way, like a prison stint or mental health breakdown, but even if that was the case a decent person would be apologising for what they've put you through, the stress of not knowing, having to cope with everything financially, having to deal with the kids emotions about his sudden disappearance.
And like you said, he looks well, he doesn't look like someone who has been in prison and if he had a breakdown he's had some time to recover from it, he hasn't reached out as soon as possible trying to support you and the kids which is what a genuine person would have done, not just sauntered in like they've been for their daily stroll. He left you and his own children, totally unsupported, didn't care to check in on them, nothing.

The kids having stability is the most important thing, he did something really shitty to them, they've been through enough, they don't need him moving back just to move out again, or to have an (understandably) tense atmosphere at home between you and him. He can see them but that's all it should be for now imo.

I know it feels like he gets to have it all his way, but he doesn't, he did something shitty, you've coped amazingly well and you don't have to take him back if you don't want to.
Sending you good wishes x

Yes, me.
firstly I am so sorry and I remember the complete and utter fear something had happened to him and the not knowing / him not wanting to communicate with me / anyone inc his own family.

He also turned up later and cited the same reasons.

A good while later it transpired he'd gone off with someone, it hadn’t worked and he “realised” he’d made a mistake (or sadly he needed somewhere to sleep more likely). Found out when he confided to a friend a good year or so later, I was and wasn’t surprised as no one really goes off on their own, there is usually something to draw them away.

We tried to make something work and limped along for 18 months and it fell apart. We divorced.

I wish you better luck than I.

Don't think the OP is coming back. Maybe too much going on in her life.
Such shocking behaviour from her partner. Can't believe he thinks it is ok
to try and walse back in as though nothing has happened.