Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

OP has reconsidered the idea that her MiL has been kept in the dark the whole time. She's said that MiL wasn't really shocked enough when informed he'd turned up and may have been aware he was okay but kept it from her. OP doesn't know for sure, she's been kept in the dark and continues to be kept in the dark.

We have no idea if he had a mental health episode or not, but regardless, it's not a good excuse for keeping your wife and children in the dark for 5 months even after you've got over the immediate crisis. Waiting until you're happy to come strolling up to the door in new clothes with a tan and then lying about a lack of phone and not providing any sort of explanation is not meeting your obligations as a husband and father. Not sure I'd use cuntish - neither the depth nor the warmth as the saying goes - but it's despicable not have got in touch at the very first point he could.

seems like the only logical explanation to be honest. there's simply no excuse/reason in the world that's good enough for the shitty behaviour. even if (unlikely in my opinion) mental health issues are a factor. I would think he's cheated, had fun while it was secret then the guilt starts or maybe his mistress realised if he's quick enough to cheat on you he'll do the exact same thing to her. overlapping relationships is beyond words disgusting. don't let the progress you have clearly made be for nothing. if you ask him anything could you honestly believe any answer? I'm my case I have had to figure out a way to go forward with no answers of any kind. I have to this day 6 months on still not had 1 actual conversation in person with my husband. now, I wouldn't have the tiniest interest in listening if he even dared try. I can't even believe I'm able to say that considering we were best friends in childhood (age 13 for me) and spent 29 years together married gor the last 12. he stole my past and present but he doesn't get to steal my future.

I would bet money he had an affair. He left, slept around, had a lot of sex. I’m not sure what he told the other women, but clearly it didn’t work out. Now he’s back, hoping to fix things and pick up where he left off.

I’m sorry, but disappearing for six months—without seeing his wife, his children, or even caring about his own mother? That’s inexcusable.

Do not, under any circumstances, continue a relationship with this person.

The only conversation I would consider having is to arrange a way for him to see the children. What a horrible and strange situation. Honestly—wow.

Wow fucking men!!!

So I would not be able to not talk to him because I would want a fucking good explanation regardless of whether I let him back in again. And a blow by blow account of exactly what he's been fecking doing for six months.

But. He has a mountain to climb if you're ever gonna trust him again and I can kind of slightly relate a bit because we had two years of my husband acting like a nut case angry shouting and balling and basically being a massive cunt to everyone to the point where he went to Dr's and is now taking anti depressants and he been acting normally and not being horrible for 6 months now but I am still livid and still don't trust him although we are trying to work through the problem it's still not over and I am not over it and I don't think I will be for a while. So long winded explanation and going on about myself but the point it I'm trying to make is getting over betrayals like this is not an easy process and he has to explain, understand your allowed to hate him for this and he has to work to put it right.

You have to still love him too or at least want to love him again. If you don't just punch him in the face and tell him to fuck off to whatever rock he was under. Wow fucking men!!!!! Ffs!!!

Read more of her posts. He quit his job. He could easily have been working elsewhere.
His mum probably did know, she wasn't surprised when he rocked up. As I just posted, my MIL knew and met her. She cut me off, stopped messaging me etc, having initially said to me that she hoped he would be home soon. He didn't tell his friends or introduce them to her because they would have judged him more harshly than his mother.

I have had a good friend take her life in an acute mental health crisis. I recognize the difference between a cheating husband and a person in genuine crisis. One is dead. The other is turning up months later knocking on the door as if he just popped to the shops and forgot his key.

100% his mother knew where he was. Please don’t let him back. Your kids deserve better than that.

Court records are available online you should be able to search them to see if it was prison.

I've just read all your other posts wrote my first message after just reading the first one. I mean I can't believe it really. I think you must be some girl to have coped like you have and what he's done is unforgivable. I was on about get an an explanation in my other post but after reading all your detail I think him and his mother are fucking lunatics and you need to keep them away from you and the kids. The fact that non of his friends replied is weird and also makes me think other woman idea but it almost seems like this situation is too weird for it to be another woman. Have you got any family or good friends who you can get support from. If not csn you try and access some support services cos I feel like this is a gigantic load to bare and anyone would need help with this. And tell him (obviously on the door step though dont let the fucker in) and his mother from all the woman on the Internet...cos we had a meeting..... he's a fucking dickhead and she should be ashamed!!!!

My heart aches for you and your children. What a cruel and Inhumane thing to do to the people you are supposed to love and protect. How will you and your children ever be able to trust that he won't do this again - whatever his reason. My advice would be to meet at a neutral place, get the answers you need and then listen to your gut - it's the best form of self preservation. I wish you and your children the happy and carefree future you deserve. 🤗. Sending hugs and positivity. ❤️

Oh good idea!!

Also I feel like if I was a private investigator I would want to know the answer to this question. You could almost email some with your story and say you obviously can't afford their services at all cos you got dumped in the shit but maybe someone would help with a bit of investigation for free you never know.

To those going on and on about the possibility of a mental health crisis and his mother/friends not knowing his whereabouts etc:
It is possible that in early days no one knew and that he walked out because he couldn't handle his life anymore. But:
He was gone for six months. If he wanted to have space he could've said that and still sent money for his dc and enquire about them. He didn't.
Not once did his mother or friends reach out to OP to see how she and the children were getting on.
Friends could be excused because they are fickle and will always pick sides.
But the MIL has ignored her grandchildren.
Not once did she enquire about them or offer to help out. She would've known they'd be devastated and struggling, yet she remained silent and ignored them.
DH gets himself together and shows up. But is cagey: says he doesn't have a phone, no car in sight and offers no details. Cryptically says he "wants to talk."

MIL doesn't react with any surprise, or questions, when OP says he's back. No friends have reached out. No one wants to be questioned. Everyone likely realizes how appalling the DH's behaviour is.

For people to focus on poor DH and say he could've killed himself, he didn't. So at this point that's neither here, nor there. Don't hijack the thread with your own trauma either. Start your own thread if you've been triggered as MN can be very supportive, but, fgs, don't try and make OP feel sorry for her dh with all the what ifs.

This. How he behaved then, and when he returned, tells you everything. Just turning up like that, after THAT?!

I wouldn’t let him back in, it’s not his home anymore, he is not welcome.

For closures sake, sure, I’d be curious to talk to him somewhere neutral, hear what he’s got to say, away from kids of course, and get a few things off my chest too. I’d be very wary of what his explanation was. I’d also be thinking practically too, change locks, get legal advice. He ended the relationship on you and the children when he left the way he did.

(This is the most bizarre post I’ve read, how awful for you all!)

Good luck. Sounds like it’s going to be a tough.

Thank you for the update.

So bizarre!

Personally, the lack of detail in his explanation, and the lack of consideration of how his just rocking back like that would have on the kids. He was expecting it to be like a nice surprise?! ‘Hey, dad’s back!’

He has not considered anyone other than himself in how he handled that.

No. He doesn’t get to do that and be welcomed back in my view.

This.

The op has changed her mind on her mil as she wasn't shocked at his return and in retrospect has offered little support. None of his friends responded or cared to follow up, I would suggest they knew what was up. My support lies with the op who has had to carry it all on her own and the emotional toll on the children. And yes I know the pain suicide causes but I also know the severe irreparable pain abandonment causes also. Yes I'd sympathise if he's has mental health issues but I severely disagree that it's very unlikely he had an affair and probably more likely. If he is returning from mental health issues (tanned, looking well and in new clothes) then he is able to provide answers, which he is not then maybe we could get ffer him grace. When do we start giving op the same grace for her mental health? She deserves answers for her own well being. He's turned up expecting the red carpet and a hug, not someone apologetic for what he's left in his wake

I feel like if it was a mental health crisis then a full and detailed explanation would be forth coming cos there would be no reason not to.

Give DH some logical questions.
Were you in prison? Hospital?
Were you with another person?
Do you have a mental health plan?

Then assist DH to book a good counseller and proper mental health care. Join in when appropriate. Over some months you will both realise whether him moving back in with you is likely to be a sustainable option. Until then, support him living with his mother.

He shouldn't step foot in your house until he can give you an explanation for why he left you and the kids high and dry financially precarious and sick with anxiety for 6 months.
If the kids want to see him I'd let them do so supervised in a neutral location.

You need full disclosure of everywhere he has been and who with, along with details of his motivation to treat you and the children as if you had ceased to exist, all before you can even start to absorb even a tiny bit of it. Only then can you decide if you could ever trust him again. I think you already know you can’t.

You are right never to let him back in to the safety of your home until you are satisfied about his full disclosure. It’s your house with the lease in your name. It’s no longer his home.
Send him to his distraught (yet strangely calm) mum and only ever agree to meet him out of the house until you are satisfied that you have the full and honest truth of his disappearance. Don’t trust his mum either. She’s not on your side and has behaved oddly, as if keeping a secret while you have been trying your best to keep it together.

You must have a million questions. Where is he staying now? How did he manage to buy new clothes when you couldn’t? Who did he stay in touch with?What made him suddenly come back? Why did he give his job up without telling you? How does he plan to prove he is capable of putting his children first? How did he imagine you were coping not knowing if he was alive or dead? At what address was he living when the police checked up on him? Did he ever love you? Which doctor’s surgery did he use for help with his breakdown? Where is his car? What did he use for money for food? What did he do all day? Was he on benefits and which address did he use? Does he have even a shred of regret about the pain and suffering he has caused? Did his mum know where he was at any point?
And finally, who is the OW?
I would put these questions to his mum face to face too if only for her reaction.

What a dreadful situation for him to have put you in. Impossible for your children to get over it. I’m so sorry for you and them.
I think I would get as much information out of him as possible by any means possible and then when you’ve heard enough to get the measure of it all, give him the boot.

Respectfully, but what are you on? OP owes dh nothing and certainly not a hand hold to get a mental health plan. DH hasn't asked for it, nor indicated he needs help of any sort. He's clearly hiding a lot. He's told her nothing. DH has not asked to move back in, nor indicated he intends to.

If he wants to come back I’d say I’d consider it only after seeing all of his bank and credit card statements for the past 12 months. That might give you some clues. A relationship is built on trust and mutual respect.

What an awful thing to do to you. Borderline unforgivable.
j wonder was it a work relationship, some women turned his head and he imagined they could go charging off into the sunset, then she said he wasn’t the man of her dreams and now he thinks he can return home.
And how dare he be so vague with you. You deserve the whole truth and grovelling apologies. And as for what he has done to his older children- they will never forget this,
definitely check out the legal side of yr situation and maybe a chat with your GP re some counselling for u and your older children.

Exactly what I was thinking. He could disappear again only this time with the kids.

I’m reading between the lines here, given no one contacted you about him/checked if you were okay - suggests that they all knew where he was and that he’s told them something to colour their opinion of you.

Eg if they were told you were horrid to him and he has to get away for his mental health. In that situation, I could see exactly why his friends/family wouldn’t discuss him with you and wouldn’t offer you any help. It’s not that they didn’t know anything, they just didn’t want to speak to you.

Also the police were quick to say he is safe/well, suggesting they were easily able to make contact and probably given a similar story. They didn’t divulge a single thing to you because he didn’t give consent for you to be told anything.