Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

His actions have traumatised his children, he abandoned them all so how the hell is it 'man hating' to call him a c*nt for those actions. Also it's not his home so she can ban him. Why are you so sure it's mental health? He provided no info or answers

So weird and not normal. Hire a PI to find out what he did for 6 months. He’s got a serious mental health issue andi would be concerned what he was doing for 6 months. So overwhelmed? This is something a 13 yo old girl does. Not a father.

Please don’t let him back into the family home. If you decide to forgive him and try again, it has to be separate homes for the sake of your kids. They have a normal now. A reliable mum who they know they can depend on. You let him back into the home and they will always be waiting for him to leave again - as will you. He can be a father still, but he has to show up when he says he will EVERY TIME, without exception. He’s let those kids down so badly that you cannot let him do that twice.

AND OP - you deserve SO much better xx

Exactly.

And we don’t know what his mother has or hasn’t been told. And secondly there are many reasons why a man would be too embarrassed to tell his mum he was cheating on his wife and had walked out on his kids. That is considered shameful by most decent people so yeah he could’ve held back on telling her - although tbh I think his mum is aware.

Why is @GiveDogBone acting so incredulous about the idea of a man having an affair and suddenly walking out? Plenty of threads on Mumsnet of women complaining of being blindsided. It happens a lot! And sometimes they come crawling back.

And what do you think his actions will have done to Op and her kids mental health? Children subjected to abandonment are higher risk for suicide.

OP can only go on what she was told and what she’s observed. He has not hinted at mental health issues. It’s not for her to invent stories and try to read his mind . If he has something to say he needs to use his words.

Also re. Stat on male suicide that’s often quoted but what is less known is that women actually attempt suicide at a higher rate.

Men are more “successful” for want of a better word as they are more likely to use rather gruesome violent methods that are more likely to “succeed”

That.

I mean…he just can’t disappear like that. Poor kiddos…

and you!?

I am sure it was needed but he just left you with all the broken bits.

Thanks for your comment, but “Even if mental health related - still not acceptable” I think that’s not quite right.

Hope you get the truth out of him

Exactly similar thing happened to me. However he telephoned me to say he had left taking a duvet, towels and his stereo.
He did not tell his mother or family or me where he was. He was with another woman. She had done the same thing with her husband who I knew. Left two kids with him and I had one son of three.

Having “a trial”. More like a shag fest I would say. Came back after 6 weeks and I could not get him to leave. Even would not leave our bed and refused to sleep in spare room. I asked for a divorce. Lost all trust in marriage and have never married again. The shock and hurt has lasted.

I think he is a disgusting human being and I’m so sorry you have gone through this. Had a similar experience without the disappearance element. Got home one day in January this year to find DH packing his stuff and said he was moving out. Said he had mental health problems and couldn’t cope. Got no more clarity, no explanation, no reasons, load of gaslighting of how it was my fault because I wasn’t welcoming to his friend 6 years ago and similar bs. We have young children who don’t understand why he isn’t here. Just turns up here and there to visit children but doesn’t engage with them. I cant go back, doesn’t matter what he says, me and my children deserve better. It’s a humiliating, disgusting and shameful way to act towards someone you say you love. Such a huge breach of trust. I won’t be going back. I would move forward without him, you don’t need that and you won’t trust again.

none of us, including the poster know what’s behind this. All speculation is legitimate. But as he’s your husband, and I expect you love and respect him, should equal credence not be given to mental health as, alternatively, a trip to Las Vegas? And I would give a loved one the benefit of the doubt where the visible indications are of the former not the latter. Unless he has a new strong tan line, of course! But I’ve had a few colleagues who have committed suicide and I worry if they’d changed their mind and done this instead, that the reaction on this thread is not the right one. I’d wished they’d gone off for 6 months and not done what they did.

Someone up thread said about this being just like ‘keeping faith’ the series with the Welsh woman who loved a raincoat. It’s mental, literally like an ITV drama.
what a fucking prick. I’d rather know my ex was in prison for something horrendous, than know nothing.

Gently? Are you on glue? He walked out without a backward glance leaving OP with little kids and no money and just disappeared. He’s come sauntering in months later, immediately lies and she’s supposed to treat him gently?

WILD.

Fixing your mental health means getting medical help, not fucking off and leaving your wife and kids wondering if you're alive or not, then swanning back without an explanation or apology.

@throwawaymum2024 I really feel for you and your children. From personal experience men like this don't change. You deserve so much more. Why not get 30 mins free with a solicitor. I did my own divorce as there was no property involved. It took about a year to finalise. The court awarded me costs and he was made to pay.
Life is so much better when you get rid of a lying cheater.

Sorry, loved a RAINCOAT? What?

If you're thinking of having a sit down talk with him about this, I imagine it would be useful for you to have a neutral third party to act as intermediary. They would be able to support you when you ask your completely reasonable questions, and would spot any gaslighting on his part.

So sorry for what you are going through.
When you meet him I would ask him very specific questions, like where is your old car, have you got the kids car seats in your new car?
Or anything that might make him slip up and say more than he was wanting to like oh I've borrowed a * car from *, that might give you an idea of who knew he was gone?!
Tell him you noticed that his mum had been updated to where he was and let him respond fully to that. I'd also hang back and follow him after you meet up.
Goodluck.

@GiveDogBone @DBusername

They all claim a mental health breakdown to try and justify their behaviour, to excuse leaping into bed with an OW, wining and dining her, giving her all the bits of him that he has held back from his wife for years while she is focused on his kids. Yet more often than not they keep going to work throughout and don't see any sort of medical professional. (Granted OP's appears to have quit his job, but could easily have been working elsewhere).

They are all avoidant. They don't want to tell all because that would mean having admit that their behaviour is beyond any form of societal norm. Claiming it is mental health allows them to maintain their own self concept as being a great guy, not someone who would treat their kids appallingly. They claim they can't remember or say they don't want to hurt you any more than they have. Getting disclosure is nigh on impossible. Hence why I said beyond knowing it has happened, the details become irrelevant.

I fell for those lies too for the months before I found out where my husband was living. Because he genuinely did look like shit on the rare occasions I saw him. I can look back now and see that was from living a double life, trying to stop his lies catching up with him, as well as trying to keep up with a younger woman and dressing in styles that really didn't suit him. I had long enough knowing he was lying but him not knowing that I knew to learn to identify every little tick and tell that he has. He would be a lousy poker player, and will never be able to get away with it again.

Mine is the third generation male in his family to do what he did. To walk out on wife and kids for an OW. Learned behaviour from his dysfunctional upbringing.
His mum knew what was going on and supported him, despite having been through it herself. His friends didn't. He deliberately kept away from them because he knew they wouldn't approve. Someone asked up thread if I ever see her. Once since we got back together. Ditto kids. And they are now old enough to decide for themselves. They don't know she was involved. It was traumatic enough for them without me adding that knowledge to their load.

It is easy to sit and say but mental health. Except that if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it is a duck.

I could never, ever forgive him for putting my children through that utter trauma. It screams other woman rather than mental health crisis to me but guess what? I wouldn't give a shit even if he did have a complete breakdown.

Nothing gives him the right to traumatise his three young children and then just swan back like nothing has happened expecting that everyone will pick up from where he left them.

personally I wouldn't be so quick to give him any opportunity to lie to your face. deep down I'm sure you sense the lies are going to pour from his mouth like verbal diarrhea and that's assuming he can even be bothered to be 'questioned' it's usually a simple control tactic and he's probably got a few ready manufactured answers at the ready. sorry to be so cynical but after years of the most horrid treatment I now know without a doubt a man in this situation will either try to gain sympathy and play the victim or often get mad at the fact you even expect answers. my husbands favourite phrase for most problems was "think what you want" so I think he lies and I'm done eith thst life. given time I'll be the best version of myself and I have no doubt you will be too. big hugs x

What what? It’s a TV series called ‘Keeping Faith’. Welsh woman, beautiful stunning house in Wales, solicitors, always wore a raincoat.

We do know MIL has not been told.

Literally the third sentence of the OP said “No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself)”. It’s extremely unlikely he had an affair and broke off contact with everyone (presumably didn’t turn up to work, or everyone would have known where he is, etc). People can of course not tell everyone they are having affairs, but not telling or even speaking to anyone about anything is completely different.

And calling - or agreeing with someone who called him - an offensive four letter word is truly despicable. If he had have committed suicide would you have been calling him a c* nt at his funeral?

What a truly disgusting person you (and @Gcsunnyside23 are). Until we know otherwise there’s every chance he had a severe mental health episode. I can only hope you don’t have a close friend commit suicide so you can experience first hand the pain that causes.

OP said: he won’t give straight answers. like he’s pretending it’s not a big deal or like I’m the mad one for asking questions.
Why would he need to do this, if he really had a mental health crisis and was sofa surfing at his mates?

It’s extremely unlikely he had an affair and broke off contact with everyone

Yeah he didn't, his mates knew where he was, they showed no concern he was supposedly missing without a trace.

Mil wasn't told at first she didn't seem surprised he has reappeared