Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

Don’t let him back in, you are worth more than that. He is lying to you constantly and if he gets away with it, it will never stop!

I think it would be unwise for you to have him back at the moment. His mother was worried about him, so he has somewhere else to live.

You cannot be expected to live with him at the moment because you are unsure of his mental state. It will take some time to go back to last December when he left his job and didn't tell you.

Until you - or someone - has gone into all the reasons for leaving his job and family, you should ensure that your finances are in order. If he has not been working, he should have a good income tax rebate, which should be for you and the children. Try to find out how to obtain that.

No wife should have to put up with this behaviour, even if it is psychological, because unless you are trained in psychology, you are not in a position to understand him and how his reasoning is.

Stick to your resolve.

Something similar happened to me, but we were divorcing so I didn’t care that much. However 6 months later the louse turned up again, thinking I’d welcome him back. Of course he was wrong. Initially me and DC had to leave on Police advice. He left week
later after legal action was threatened. My lawyer said I couldn’t change the locks as the house was jointly owned, so I had an extra lock put in.

OP goodness knows where he's been but he has got a bloody nerve, hasn't he. Your poor children, and poor you.

Poor you OP. What a dick.

Only you know if there is a way forward but it needs to be based entirely on honesty.

Where was he? With tho? Can you speak to them?
Bank statements for the duration to be provided
etc

Sadly my personal view is this screams OW and it’s not worked out. You can do so much better. And you’ll be teaching your kids a good life lesson that they don’t need to accept poor treatment and broken vows. He’s a coward. X

@throwawaymum2024 I've been thinking about you a lot over the past couple of days, how are you holding up? X

Whatever he tells you, 90% will be lies

If you can manage financially with the children, then do not let him back in until you are absolutely certain there isn't something wrong.

Follow your instincts. Even if it is mental health and you are sympathetic, do not let him back in the house until you know what went wrong and he gives you proof that he is well. If you are not a psychiatrist or a psychiatric nurse you would not know how to deal with any situation, and if you were, you would be twice as wary.

Don't let your children know anything except the truth. Even young children wonder when something happens out of the ordinary. You can sometimes get info about what goes on in children's minds from the books and comics they read, if they are old enough, that is. Knowing what they are thinking of helps a lot in any situation.

If it were me, I would hesitate to let him back in a relationship with you. He has made it very easy for you to divorce him. Follow your instincts. A divorce will enable you to plan ahead for you and your children's lives. That is more important than where he has been, and who with, and where he is now.

Make the children wards of court.

Why do the police protect men like this? Why isn’t it against the law to do what he has done? It’s not just you, his wife it is three children he has abandoned and betrayed. There must be some legal action you can take. I feel very strongly for you and we are all behind you. Please keep us informed.
I too think it was another relationship some romantic cowardly act. He deserves nothing but punishment. You of course have to consider your children’s feelings. And that’s why he’s such an arsehole.
Challenge his mother. Ask her outright if she knew. Tell her that no way is he coming back and how betrayed you feel for the children as well as yourself. It’s time some people told the truth. Then you will know how to act. Big big hug
.

Why is this even a question? Sack the loser off. Kids so distraught they’re crying all night. F that.

Weirdorama!

The man-haters are out in full force as usual.

Firstly, you cannot as some have suggested ban him seeing his own children, only a court can do that and they’d be extremely reluctant to do so. Secondly, it’s hilarious how everyone is jumping to the conclusion that he’s been in prison or had an affair (why would he keep an affair secret from his mother ffs), both extremely unlikely things he could keep secret from you, family and friends, thirdly, you can’t ban him from the marital home, he has as much rights over it as you do, of course he can agree to stay elsewhere.

Remember suicide is the leading cause of death for men under 50, not women, men. So plenty of men get to a state of mind where they leave and never come back to family and friends, ever.

Of course you should take up his offer to talk to him and find out what’s gone on and why. He obviously wasn’t thinking straight when he walked out, it wasn’t a decision he made rationally as a normal person would think of it.

If it’s too much for you to do on your own, both of you can engage with a counselling service experienced in male mental health matters. A lot of his family, not least his mother, and friends will have similar questions of course. He must know he needs to answer them in time, the fact he hasn’t explained everything straight away is not surprising.

I don't think there's a "right" thing to do. But I do think its reasonable to take some time to think.

If you've "moved on" so far as you can you're justified in telling him to keep going. He was a parent with responsibilities. He left them not just you.

However, he also didn't tell his family so maybe he could have literally been in a dangerously low mood. Not that it excuses his behaviour.

So I'd be tempted to listen to what he had to say on neutral territory and then think before I decided what to do. But I'd be having a list of deal breakers this, if forgivable, is only forgivable once

Wow that's beyond cruel to yourself and your little ones.
I'd hear him out when your ready to hear what he has to say , from that whatever he tells you happened then take time to see where you really want to go from that point on.
Will he do this again just vanish if life gets hard.
Will you believe what he has to say.
The trust in this is smashed to pieces.
I know men struggle and we should always encourage them to talk and be open but disappearing like this putting yourself his children his mum through this pain, I'm not sure how you'd navigate this all I'd say is take the tiniest steps and do not rush him back into your life if at all.
Was he in deep depression, was he with another women, 6 months is a hell of a long time to just disappear.
Was he thinking if he wanted his life anymore and now after being away for 6 months decides he does.
Think about you have you grown and changed in these months when he decided to walk away.

Why do the police protect men like this? Why isn’t it against the law to do what he has done? It’s not just you, his wife it is three children he has abandoned and betrayed. There must be some legal action you can take.

Unfortunately there isn't, because if there was a legal route for the OP in this situation, this would also open up a legal route for abusive husbands/wives/partners to have the right to locate a partner who has fled abuse, maybe sadly also having to leave children behind, and use the legal system to punish them and ensure they could never be safe.

Assuming he has done nothing illegal. It sounds like he has had a breakdown. I would treat him gently and give him time to discuss his issues, could be work, in which case you both need to decide which way to go next. Difficult situation. It depends if you think you have a future.

I posted not long ago and just read your replies , definitely sounds like mum knew if one of my sons was missing I'd be anything but calm youdcbe beside yourself how could you function.
I would not believe a word this man says to you he is a liar .
If if it was mental health you would have proof he would want to show you proof .
He has had an affair got off on holiday somewhere.
I would not let this man step his little toe back over the front door.
You've shown how amazingly strong you are you can do this without him .
Don't allow him back into your life he was fine disappearing for 6 months leaving you financially and emotionally cope with your own feelings and your children's and I agree his mother has protected him , what type of person even does that.
Big hugs to you stay strong you are worth so much more than what he has put you through x

Her husband abandoned the OP and her children for months and months without a single word of explanation, and you think he deserves to be treated gently?

Had a very similar happen when my son was small ( 18 now) pleaded mental health when appeared. There was another women he met online and he had fucked off to an another country to be with her. This did come out till he was home and I thought was supporting with mental health. Obviously relationship was over. Shocking situation for an involved. Hope you can move forward and worry about you and kids and not him.

Sorry! What?!!

Can I point out he may have been very mentally unwell, may still be. Men are bad at discussing that, the lack of any explanation might be part of the mental health episode. I wouldn’t rule out serious mental ill health, or suicidal ideation, until you know where you are with this. But I wouldn’t get angry or blame until I knew this was callous as opposed to depressed. And of course you need, and needed, support too. I am merely putting forward thoughts on his culpability or lack of it. Having some insight into male mental health.

I'd bet money he's been having an affair and its not worked out. Do not take him back!

It’s hardly man hating is it! It’s protecting her children and herself.

He won’t tell her where he’s been, or who with, or why, or how he’s managed with money or not. An OW could be the least of his troubles.

I don’t think any decent court would look favourably on parental abandonment - he wasn’t bothered in the slightest about his kids for the last 6 months.

It isn’t the marital home, it’s OP’s lease.

If he’s suicidal, there’s no way in hell the kids should be with him.

Get a grip. Multiple posters have explained why a. Why it’s unlikely and b. Even if it was “mental health” related - it’s still not acceptable.

He was well enough to come back looking refreshed and well, but yet we are meant to believe he didn’t have the capacity to leave a single letter or send one text in 6 months?

And even now he is still telling lies, completely unapologetic and vague.

He's turned up looking well with no answers. It's very unlikely a breakdown, way more likely another woman. But if it is a breakdown the op is still allowed to be angry, she's allowed to blame, her children are traumatised by all this and he expected to waltz back to open arms. If he has had a breakdown and now better and wanting to come home there's no way he hasn't the clarity to at least apologize or give answers