Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

My sisters dh did this and pretended there was no OW. Then she found out he'd been caught red handed at work with OW, before he left. He'd also claimed to be sofa surfing at a mate's house or his parents'. No, actually OW.

She was convinced he'd had a breakdown. Because he didn't explain what was going on, she couldn't tell the kids anything. The kids blamed her as "the messenger".

Now, after coming back into the kids lives after initially NC, he's now twisted the story round so he was the victim. She has apparently ruined his and OW lives by "keeping the house". Um, actually my parents bought him out.

She refuses to tell the kids anything or engage on the topic, allowing him to write and control the narrative. She was determined not to do anything to damage them any more than he already has, but sadly she has ended up mentally tortured and scarred by his narcissistic abuse. I see her twisted now by the bitterness and anger it's all led to, quite understandably.

My suggestion would be that you get yourself a solicitor pronto. Don't assume good motives. He's a cuckoo. Saying nothing seems to be a tactic on their part. Sadly my experience suggests they're probably all in league with him (mum, mates).

What he's done is cruel, unbelievably selfish, and completely unforgiveable.

Battle stations commence. Please look after yourself, don't be bamboozled by his bullshit.

Hate to say it but he's obviously been living with someone since then... my guess an affair partner and he's come crawling back because he's been dumped!

easier said than done but I would tell him to take a walk... a long one, preferably off a short pier!

I wonder if he's been in Spain (tan) and perhaps he's been involved in dodgy dealings and people?

W.T.A.F?

I have to add, he may still be with OW.

There are countless online forums in the manosphere that will advise them what to do. He may have been advised that he shouldn't have left the family home, and that he needs to move back in. He may be trying to "reset the clock" on the separation. Anything really.

In my sisters dh case, everything he did was carefully calculated to manipulate the situation. He was clinically cold.

Ds found it impossible to believe it was possible for him to turn agaonst her so suddenly, and so was suckered in time and time again to being manipulated. She was still seeing him as human. He's proved himself to be a complete sociopath where she is concerned, with literally no care. It's like he despises her. He's spent the whole time since he left trying to exact some revenge for some imagined insult. Apparently this is common.

To not let you know where he was, when he was able to. To know you had contacted the police because you were worried, and not to put your minds at rest. That's sadistic and cowardly, it's 100% the mark of someone with no moral fibre, no scruples.

Sorry if I'm being harsh, but I just want you to protect yourself like my sister didn't/couldn't. 😔

@throwawaymum2024

The fact that no one from 'his side' (mum, mates, etc) contacted you tells me that they knew something, if not everything. Therefore none of them is to be trusted. And if his mum decides to come round and plead his case, remember, you don't have to answer the door to anyone you don't want to see.

I know this is a drum I beat often, but you already know what you need to know to make your decision. You know that he's untrustworthy and doesn't give 2 shiny shits about your peace of mind nor the welfare of your children. Isn't that enough to say "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!"? And since you know he's a liar will you even believe what he tells you IF he decides to 'come clean'? I guess what I'm saying is to 'let go' of the need for an explanation and just move forward.

1- I'd change the locks. I know there's a 'thing' about 'marital homes', but in this case the lease is in your name. If he decided to push the issue legally, you could always claim 'Oopsie! The lease is in my name so I thought I could. My bad". The worst that could happen is that you'd have to give him a key. But I honestly think he knows how badly he's fucked up and won't be pushing his luck. If you don't want to change them, at least put chains on the doors so he can't walk in on you unannounced.

2-File for CMS. You can tell them you don't know if he's working and they'll take it from there. Either you'll get CMS from him or they'll say he has no income. But I doubt that, he's either working or on benefits. If he's working cash in hand you're SoL, but at least you'll know.

3-See a solicitor about a divorce. Find out your legal position wrt child access and division of any joint assets, if there are any. Do not mention that you've changed your locks (if you do). If you haven't much in the way of joint assets hopefully it'll be relatively simple, even 'do it yourself'.

You'll get through this. It may take time, but you will.

"Sorting himself out".... he certainly needs "sorting out".... and then booted out for good....

He's gone of with another woman and learnt that the grass is not always greener. Believe me as a man we do not leave without a back up plan !!!!!

perfectly said and sometimes it takes a strangers words, however harsh they may be, to wake up and realise it's not ok. the word narcissist is used so casually in life I'm not sure people understand the horrific consequences of being in that sort of relationship. The cold heartless man is likely to be a far cry from the man you thought he was but in truth he was manipulating you and chipping away at you while you were busy putting yourself last for years and maybe not even knowing what was happening. while you still have a piece of yourself to fight for let the idiot go be a sick anywhere but not with you. it sounds like you have already given him years of your life and personally I wouldn't afford him a second more.

This is awful. I’d honestly think about applying for a restraining order against him, the lies are very worrying and if it is some kind of mental breakdown I wouldn’t let him near the kids. It probably is an OW, but the weird vagueness is a red flag and I would do everything possible to keep him away.

This

Wow, I would keep him out the house , as you've done a clearly exceptional job coping with the whole situation.

You will need to talk to him, mainly because of the children, he is there father, also to find out what the hell he's been doing?.
From that you can decide the future for your family and your marriage.

I wish you all the best.

the vagueness is most likely because he knows he's in the wrong but won't allow anyone to hold him accountable. if he says the bare minimum he's less likely to trip himself up and I'd absolutely assume another eoman was involved and possibly still is. do not allow yourself to be treated so appallingly and while you're probably the "bad guy" in the minds of children who are probably missing their dad you are also the example that they will learn from. you CANNOT trust a man who can't even be bothered to explain his actions like a grown up!! be strong gor your children bit more do for yourself. take care

I had an acquaintance whose husband went off 'to find himself'. Not quite so suddenly and he said he was leaving, but no consultation. She had a very full on job and a toddler! Her Mum advised she put an investigator on to him and sure enough he was with another woman whilst 'finding himself' in another country. She changed the locks and sorted out a lawyer, moved money around etc. When he came back expecting to resume his life where he left off, he got the Divorce papers and a file of photos of him with said woman. She's married again now, much happier - I don't know what happened to him.

Put yourself and your dear children first.

Honestly thinking he left you for someone else and it hasn’t worked out

Was he working in this time, how did he support himself financially and where did he live? I would demand to see his passport, bank statement and Google maps timeline. If he hasn't been into drugs, anything illegal or shady, no extramarital life or financial debts, I would hear what he has to say. What you need is proof that you can trust him with safety of your kids. I definitely would not want him disappearing next time with one of the DCs. Thst said, nearly 25 years ago this happened to my uncle, aunt left on her 57th birthday and returned after 2.5 years. She didn't offer any explanation to anyone apparently she had informed work and had applied for sabbatical and returned home after her all life's savings were all spent. One of their children ( my eldest second cousin) accepted her return and moved on with life as if nothing significant happened. But to this day my uncle and younger second cousin could not forgive or understand the how and why. It was totally out of the blue disappearing and return with no explanation.

I can’t believe what I’ve just read!!
you absolutely cannot trust him, his mum or friends.. not sure what else to say other than get a solicitor, a therapist and accept NO crap from him going forward. He does not get to walk out 5months ago and turn up as if nothing has happened.

i see it’s been a couple days since posting. Are you doing ok?

This happened to my brother, his EX left without any explanation, she just got up and went, she left him with his two kids and didn't look back, The kids are adults now and don't speak to their mother,they have a lot of trauma from what she did, she's gone on to have two more kids now😔 I'll never understand how anyone can do this, it's cruel.
There's always a reason though, it's up to you if you have him back but please think about the kids and how this will effect them. X

This is absolutely insane!!! Like.. how do you even begin to process this, the conflicting feelings, thoughts and everything in-between! OP I'm so so sorry this has happened to you!!

Why has nobody even attempted to support you! His family/friends definitely knew something! But never once considered the kids or you! You are just right to seek advice from a solicitor, and see how you can protect yourself.. as right now, that is what is needed!!!

Sounds terrible but God some people on here are very weird. Do you love him? Or did u before he left? Was the relationship OK? You need to hear out was has happened to him, it could literally be anything. Listen first then make your decision. Good luck x

Having had a friend in similar situation it turned out he'd left for another woman then it didn't work out. She took him back until she found that out then she kicked him our. He used the "mental health" card. Good job most mums don't just disappear into the night for 6 months. I don't care what thd reason he wouldn't come back into my life I'd be waiting for it all to happen again and no way would I put kids through that again.

Is it possible that without any signs of a breakdown and no real emotion from him over how he literally dropped his wife and children with not so much as a word, that he went off with someone else and it simply didn't work out?
It's so weird, he let you think he could be dead, he didn't stagger out and end up arrested or in any mental health facilities, he packed a bag, blocked you and stayed away 6 months. I think this is a huge betrayal and I really hope you let your head make the decision on this one, you've been through so much already. All the best to you and your children 💐

I think that IF you let him come back home he should tell you evrything like why and where and with whome. Also, therapy sounds like a good idea. So taking him back only if you see any future for you together.

Avoid court at any cost. Whatever he was doing not to explain and apologise give good reasons on why (got to be prison or nerves breakdown with proof that he was sectioned) I won’t even talk to him. The kids are the one who pay for all the pain. Spouse come and go but the kids man it’s painful. Get professional advice, don’t listen to people who give advice emotionally. The law is different from what is right or wrong, they don’t care about who is hurt or hurting emotionally but they give fair results who it comes to the kids, to get justice is expensive. So get legal advice, protect your kids by talking to them and going to family therapy and avoid blaming game deal with your future. People who hurt us like this don’t see and feel how it feels so don’t waste your time trying get sorry from him, if he was sorry he won’t just come and expect you to take him. Never ever blame yourself. Know your legal right, keep calm and make sure kids see their dad as long as he is safe person and go for Amicable divorce website. It’s cheaper and Amicable if he agree. From here on you won’t have healthy relationship. The kids will be ok as long as you have healthy communication with them and the father. Look after yourself - I am not going to say it will be easy but it will pass
prepare for legal issues never take him back unless he has evidence on his mental breakdown that he prove undoubtedly that he needs this family as much as you do and support you 100%