Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

I'm so sorry he did this to you... I can't imagine what you went through... What a brilliantly strong woman you are! ❤️

If you decide to talk to him, make sure his relative is with you and make sure the whole thing is recorded too. This will allow your boys to see how unstable their dad was and even after what he did you decided to hear his side of the story for their sake. Don't lose your cool, listen and question him from his own story.

The man is either unstable, a criminal, a womaniser, on drugs, etc. It's important to let your GP know what he did so you can protect yourself and your boys from further damage. You've got to have a consultation with Womens Aid too.

Stay strong! You can do it, take one step at a time.

I did think maybe he had some kind of breakdown - but if your own DH can’t tell you when he’s got problems, what hope is there. Trust is gone.

There's absolutely nothing to justify treating anyone so terribly and to rock back up as if he's doing you a favour. sounds like you have a good idea of what your life's meant to look like but from personal experience I'd say children may be resilient but don't underestimate the potential for long term issues. not to say there always are but your hubby absolutely should be held accountable. holding yourself together for your children is the perfect reaction in what's likely a super confusing situation. I'm so very sorry you've been wronged this way. The bare minimum he should give you is honesty. hope things work out for you

I'm at the 6 month part of my life shattering journey and for me at 45 years old I struggle with every second of every day and the only thing keeping me going is the phenomenal support from my grown up daughters and the smiles of my 6 grandchildren. I have counselling to hopefully make sense of things but when I was completely removed from my husbands life in a split second and with no conversation of any kind then or since, things have been so very hard. I owe it to myself to be a healthy minded fully functioning grown up again! x

‘Off you fuck’ would be my only answer. Mental health/breakdown/can’t cope is no excuse. He’s an adult and there is no excuse in the world for his behaviour. It sounds like he’s been having it away with someone else and that’s come to an end and now he’s got nowhere else to go. Don’t be a doormat. He walked out on your kids without a word!!!!

I agree with you.

sound alike a mental breakdown…. Especially if he cut off his mom too. Hear him out and see what happens.

also, do Claire’s law on him just in case.

I cannot recall when a husband or partner left and there wasn't someone else involved, I'm talking about friends who again were told a variety of excuses, before they knew the truth. As many others presume he left you and your children to set up home elsewhere. There's no honesty here and that's unacceptable. Where did he live? Spent money on what? Grass wasn't greener so he's come back and think it's OK to carry on as normal. Get answers and go from there.

So…you’re asking advice about how to hide or make a body disappear right??? I don’t get it.
You’ve already survived the worst part, don’t let that piece of meat ruin yours and your kiddos life again

fab advice. sadly things can spiral quite quickly and it won't be possible to remember everything especially when emotions are running high. It sounds to me like you will be stronger for, what u refer to as a trauma and you have every right to know exactly what's wrong his end or else there's no chance of moving forward

Well said ! That a man can just think to do this is beyond me especially with kids
He should think that what if the woman just wakes up one day and decides but never will a woman do that
I wouldn't accept him back like you have said !

it baffles me how anyone could treat the person they claimed to love so terribly. what a bad example to those children. 1 person's selfishness could leave do much destruction. personally I wouldn't care what nonsense he has to say as 6 months is plenty of time to magic up 100 lies about why he buggered off.

Cherchez la femme

He's either had a mental breakdown, or he left you for someone else and it hasn't worked out. Either way I wouldn't let him back.

My thoughts exactly. How could you ever trust him after this? To leave without even giving you word he was safe is appalling behaviour. You and your poor kids must be so traumatised and utterly confused.

Someone said he had a complete breakdown and to be understanding, another he left for another woman- well I would need a full explanation, and why he felt able to tell the police he was alright but not his wife, children or mother.
You need very robust assurance this could not happen again before you could countenance letting him back in your life- over to him.

We have heard a lot about the actions of cruel men but this might just be the most callous and unnecessary cruelness I have seen here.

20 years ago, the first time my husband left me he did in fact have a breakdown after the affair he was having, the double life the lies all caught up with him. he came back to me and our children who were young at the time and I had to put him back together. I've only recently come to realise I have only ever been a plan b at best and now I'm just trying to get from one day to the next. I am glad my husband left me but have serious problems with the way he left and the timing was life shattering. I won't let it break me but it was close for a while I'm all honesty. I choose me and that's my life going forward

Firstly OP, you are a superstar. You have literally been left alone with no notice and coped beautifully in what must have been the most terrifying time of your life worrying about this prick when he’s quite obviously fucked off to live with OW who has funded him for the last 5 months. She is obviously as stupid as he is for allowing him to leave his family and shack up with her fully funded! Perhaps she finally realised what he’s like and shipped him back out again!

whether or not MIL knew straight away or whether he contacted her later on to let her know he was safe who knows but if her support tailed off then you know why. I’d love to know why he thought he could just wander back in. Who’s to say you hadn’t met someone else and moved him in? I reckon he’s been given info on you all by MIL or friend ls too

Firstly I’m so sorry you and your children went through this. I’m sure he will tell a great tale ( he’s had six months to come up with one ) but if it was a mental health issue he still could have messaged - even if via police. The fact he was totally incommunicado makes it really likely he was off with someone else , or simply decided he’d had enough of parenting. ( or was in jail!) Whhichever way , you have managed 6 months without him - his much worse will it be to be walking on eggshells and constantly waiting for him to do this again; and how much more traumatic for the children will that be than a one time loss? He obviously has zero sense of responsibility. By all means arrange occasional visits for the children if he insists - but 100% guarantee once a flake always a flake.

You’re better than me OP!! I’d of just shut the door in his face!! SIX MONTHS to “sort himself out”?!? Nah, absolutely no way in hell I’d of let him set foot over the threshold x

Don't be afraid to be angry, OP. It can be very empowering.
How dare he do this to you!
Please get help and talk to friends and family IRL - you will need their support when you finally kick him out and divorce him. Good luck!

@throwawaymum2024 how are you? How are you meant to contact him if he doesn’t have a phone ?

Sounds to me like he discovered the grass wasn't greener on the other side. if you think you could ever trust him ever again get him to earn that trust first like date you all over again and be 100%honest where he has been good luck with whatever you decide x

What is there to consider moving forwards @throwawaymum2024?!

He keft you and your kids, no contact, no money, nothing.

And now he’s leaving you with no answers.

Please don’t consider anything other than divorce!!

what's likely to have happened is he left for what he expected to be a new life with the person he'd probably been cheating with. chances are he needed to make sure he'd built something to leave for and as is usually the case locked it up andmd now expects to pick up where he left off with you and tge children. I never told a soul about any of the affairs my husband had and thought it was the right thing to do but now it's bit me on the butt because all I've done for decades is enable his disgusting behaviour. I'm not gaslit any more and that is why I know I'll be well again.

I'm so sorry this happened/happening to you! I don't know how anyone can do that, especially with kids involved. Sending big hugs x