Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

OP

I wanted to share this with you as this almost exact same thing happened to a friend. No children but they were married and had a house/life together. He walked out after 11 years one day and no contact for 2 years.

She tried everything but he did not respond, and soon she stopped searching for him. She decided to sell the house and it was at that point she tracked him down. He said he had had a mental breakdown. This breakdown also coincided with him getting a new partner who knew nothing of the woman he had vanished on.

She went through hell, her MH was in tatters and she found it very hard to trust people. Therapy has helped her immensely and she has moved on buying a new house on the coast and she has met someone new.

It was and still is unfathomable to us all that he could treat her so poorly. She never forgave and he is out of her life for good. Blocked on everything. No trace of him in her life.

Take some time to figure out what you might need over the next few days. Talk it over with friends and come up with a plan for yourself.

I would try and get some therapy for you and your kids ASAP to start processing,

He is a cruel and cowardly man.

How’s your 7yr old doing? (In particular, but all of you of course).
Id be contacting SS and school and telling them everything, he doesn’t have a phone and hasn’t given an address he’s staying at (I think) so they can’t contact him for info… but they won’t let him be ‘vague’.
the last thing I’d say to this bastard would be, “if you want to see your children, I’ll see you in court and you can prove the changes youve made and your capability of being a decent father”

1. All those mooing 'hear him out ... He's had a breakdown ... A crisis ...'

Bollocks. The police don't find someone fit and well and then he turns up plump and tanned if he's had a crisis.

The only crisis is - she's dumped him.

2. And every time he makes out it's no big deal, that you're unreasonable for making something of it - call him out for gaslighting and narcissistic abuser controlling behaviour. All the buzz words. Learn and wield them with assurance.

3. Beware - The First Rule of Mysogyny says 'women are responsible for what men do.'

Mr Nasty may be at work in the background - going to friends and family behind your back concocting a false narrative that if you hadn't (insert bullshit) he'd never have felt he had to (insert more bullshit.).

Stamp those fires out. Be very open and clear with everyone, shine a light on the truth, setting out what he did, how it devastated you and your children.

'And to everyone who knew where he was and that he was well yet kept it secret when they could have helped us in our dreadful months of uncertainty and fear for his safety - I hope nobody ever does anything so vile to you, or anyone you love.'

If he is one of those sulky man child/narcissists that hates having to be a parent and put other people’s needs first he may have run off to one of the party islands to drink, sleep around and party. Now he’s had a few months of fun he wants to just slot right back in and be “dad” again.

Make sure to file a claim for child support and see if you can get someone to investigate his finances. It is likely he was squirrelling away money for his adventures. File for full custody too on the basis that he could just have another crisis and abandon your children!

There would be no way in hell would I let him back, I’d be divorcing him.

He is untrustworthy and a liar to boot!

He has behaved appallingly and you are dealing with it in the best way possible by being cautious and not trusting him, though prepared to hear him out with firm boundaries in place.

Well done OP

Men walking out is a perennial: my DH’s grandfather abandoned his wife and three daughters when my MIL was quite young leaving the women to fend for themselves. grandmother plowed ahead as a garment worker in New York. The grandfather decamped to the west coast and may gave started another family.

Surely if he'd gone to prison police would not be saying he left voluntarily. I'm curious why his name isn't on the lease? You've done so so well to survive for last 6 months. You're strong even if you don't feel it now. Looking at his bank statements will show you when+where he used bank card. He's probably deleted his texts but he hadn't when he'd come to YOUR house that's why he said he didn't have a phone.My brother in law did this repeatedly.Turned up each time fit +well wearing new clothes. He left his partner to look after kids. Kids are grown up now and they are v aware that he abandoned them over+over again

Friends grandmother died at 94 a few years ago. Her husband vanished leaving her with five children. She did get a job and accommodation at a doctor's practice. A tiny cottage. Husband never reappeared..

The TV show where celebrities ancestors are revealed brings up some stories like this.

You could live quite comfortably for 6 months in Thailand for a fee grand.

Your husband goes missing and none of his friends or family rallied around you to support you and your children in such a stressful time! What a selfish shower of ingrates the lot of them are! His mother checked in when she felt like it (a touch of guilt the odd time I bet) and the friends disappeared. They all knew. They could have tipped you off at any time in the last 6 months ffs.

Dump them all, please don't let your "husband" back in, he will do this again.

I agree that friends and his family knew where he was.

That's pretty heinous of them when they had to know how awful it would be to have a husband and father just disappear. They could have given you some kind of reassurance or support.

It's time to get your legal balls rolling. Get whatever you need done there for custody, this guy could roll up and take your kids, (although he likely doesn't want them as he abandoned them for 6 months without a word). File for child support. Get separation or divorce papers drawn up.

A man who is capable of this is a man you want as few legal ties with as possible and you want to cut those as soon as you possibly can.

Monitor your credit and check that nothing has been opened in your children's names.

Change every password.

@throwawaymum2024it's almost unbelievable what has happened to you, I'm sure you're more shell-shocked now than when he left.
You will never believe him or trust him again- take him for everything he's worth.
Are you willing to talk to him? Keep your cards close to your chest if you do.

Divorce is the only option.

Op this is unimaginably cruel of him

What?! I wouldn’t let him move back EVER. This is the single biggest LTB and divorce I’ve ever given on MN.

Whilst it's completely understandable that you feel like you want answers, knowing is complete red herring.

Where he's been isn't important. What's important is that he abandoned you and the kids for 6 months. No messages. No checking in on the kids. Nothing.

He put you through hell and that is not forgivable.

You need to TELL EVERYONE asap. If not, his snidey cow of a Mother who, IMO, was clearly in contact with him the entire time (hence him not needing to check in and see how the kids were - she was telling him) will start guilting you into letting this ABSOLUTE SHIT OF A MAN back into your lives.

What every single person you know will tell you, with the exception of his biased close friends and family, is that this is utterly outrageous and you'd be MAD to even consider taking him back.

Do yourself a huge favour and divorce the twunt.

What an entirely useless man. I can’t believe he left you and didn’t even bother to send money. I’m so sorry OP.

“Whilst it's completely understandable that you feel like you want answers, knowing is complete red herring.

Where he's been isn't important. What's important is that he abandoned you and the kids for 6 months. No messages. No checking in on the kids. Nothing.”

Some very valid points. Especially, as it appears that others around you knew he was safe and well.

Also, from op’s posts.

“police said they couldn’t tell me anything beyond he was “safe and well” cos he’s an adult and left by choice. no idea how they even found that out but I wasn’t told where he was or what he was doing.”

So the police didn’t consider him a missing person. For whatever reason, Dh didn’t want op to know his whereabouts (and the police had to respect his decision, which also proves dh had sound mental capacity, however hard for op).

I think I would have laughed in his face.

Slam the door on the cheeky CF.

There's nothing he can say to excuse what he did. So fuck hearing him out. Especially considering he's had the audacity to go 'id like to come back now'. Absolute cheeky selfish bastard.

He's been shacked up with some other dame. Fuck him.

Fyi, traumas like this for children around the ages of 2-6 can cause life long personality disorders to form. Do not let him back to do this again to them. Protect your kids.

How are you coping @throwawaymum2024? I hope you’re ok x

I know you must be full of questions but when you meet to talk, hold off firing questions at him, he'll probably answer selectively and lie by omission.

Instead tell him that he's broken your trust, broken his marriage vows (to honour/ love/ protect etc), abandoned his wife and his children financially and emotionally and shown that he isn't a 'partner' or 'parent' in the true sense of the words.

Give him one opportunity to come clean and tell you everything, now, all of it, no lies or omissions. Ask him to tell you why he left, what he's been doing, what he expected to happen in his absence, how he feels, how he thinks you and the kids feel, what does he expect to happen next, what's changed for him in the last 6 months, how he's going to show up now, what is to stop this happening again etc.. Leave lots of silences for him to talk, say 'tell me more' / 'say more about that' and let him speak.

Don't tell him what you want / need going forwards when you meet next, don't give him 'conditions' that he has to agree to in order to come back... you'll play into his hands and he'll make promises he can't keep just to worm his way back in!

After he's spoken say you need time to think. Don't negotiate or agree to anything at this stage... he left you with no information for 6 months... let him stew for a while while you process whatever he has to tell you and decide what to do next.

I dont think I would have it in me to say anything other than; you can f*#k right back off again! I am independent and manage mostly solo cos of his job, but that would be an inexcusable thing to do to our kids and I dont think I could forgive it, even if it was a breakdown. You can breakdown and still let your family know your safe and need some time away.

Danny Dyer's father had a 2nd family and managed to nip off on Christmas day for 2 sets of dinners and then his OW actually called Dyer's mum. That was the only way she found out.

If it was prison then surely the news of his conviction would be on the local news?

Try googling his name.

God, I’m so sorry – that’s a level of emotional whiplash no one should have to deal with. You’ve held things together for six months on your own, parenting, worrying, grieving, and now he just strolls back in without explanation? That’s not okay.

Right now, it’s about you and the DC. You don’t owe him anything, especially not immediate answers. Take your time. Think about what you want – space, support, legal advice, counselling – whatever helps you feel stable. He chose to walk out without a word; it’s not on you to smooth his return.

Might be worth speaking to a solicitor or therapist before you even consider sitting down with him. You’ve got every right to protect your peace and your children’s stability. Keep leaning on support wherever you can – you’ve been incredibly strong already. 💐