Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

. he won’t give straight answers. like he’s pretending it’s not a big deal or like I’m the mad one for asking questions.

How dare he!! All of it is atrocious but to then act like you're mad to have questions, disgusting behaviour.

I'd be telling him to fuck off, I'd tell him if he ever wanted to give me a truthful explanation I'd hear him out but apart from that fuck off.

And no way should you take him back, any man capable of this will do it again no problem.

I would 100% want supervised contact. He has probably given the children abandonment issues for life. There is nothing to suggest that he won't do this again to the children. And his attitude towards the OP acting like it's no big deal that he did this....is he going to be the same to the kids if they have any questions? Gaslight them into thinking their reaction is silly and OTT?

You’ve grieved him for six months. If you let him back in there’s always the chance he will do it again - specifically leave without even the courtesy of letting you know.

You’ve realised you don’t need him. He realised he needs you.

Was he even paying child support the entire time he was in hiding?

I met someone whose ex partner did something similar to her. He went to the shops - asked her if she wanted anything and she said no. Everything was fine and he never came home. She was beside herself. She was going to report him as missing until she found out he went to work. He was mentally competent to go to work - he just couldn’t be bothered to tell her he was leaving her.

It really ruined the rest of her life.

You know you don’t need this man. Don’t take him back.

What he has done is unforgivable. He’s completely broken the relationship.

I think type out a letter. In the first couple of paragraphs, explain everything he has put you and the children through and the consequences of his actions. Then just a bullet point list of all your questions.

Where were you between (date) and (date)?
Where were you staying at night?
Who were you in contact with?
Were you with another woman during that time?
Which of your friends knew you were alive, when we did not?
Did your mother know you were alive, when we did not?
How were you funding your lifestyle?

Then just: after you have treated me and your children so abominably, I can’t believe you have the audacity to waltz back in here and talk when you haven’t even had the respect to answer my questions or be truthful. Let me know when that changes.

If he tries to talk, just hand him another copy of the letter.

No such thing as piggy in the middle with something so serious. Sometimes you just have to do the right thing and if you don't you're almost as bad as the person who did the wrong thing in the first place.
If she knew and didn't say then that's completely unforgivable. I would never hide the truth from a DIL in similar circumstances.

Wow, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust someone again if they did this to me. I certainly couldn't trust any answers they gave, because he could be making it up and telling you a sanitised version of what has really gone on. To not check in on his children or send money for their care is abysmal.

What does come across here OP is that you're a strong woman. You've proved to yourself that you can cope without this man. You didn't have the 'luxury' of not coping or falling apart, you just got on and did what was necessary for your family. Well done for that. I'd certainly consider changing the locks. Usually you can change just the barrel, no need to have the whole thing changed. As long as you give your landlord a key, and promise to have them put back to the original after you've left, there shouldn't be a problem.

Good luck with any future meetings and talks. Don't feel pressured to take him back.

Standing back and allowing your own grandchildren to suffer the loss and abandonment they experienced is downright unforgivable.

There is no piggy in the middle, his mother should have stood up to him, and said you can not create such suffering for your young children like this, yes I will support you and help you, but you must let them know you are safe and not harm them by leaving without a word.

It required integrity, strength and a sense of morality - she failed all three. No wonder she didn’t help op or come very often, she probably couldn’t bear to be reminded of it. Assuming she knew, which I think she mostly definitely did.

I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this is would ask the school to keep a close eye on the children . Change your locks and have done with him.

Really? He left with a bag and came back six months later looking very well. Do people who have had mental breakdowns behave like that do you think?

Exactly how can you read all this and think mental breakdown?

It’s also worth saying just because someone has a mental breakdown it doesnt mean they can’t be shitty people too. The two aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive.

Someone who “breaks down” but still has the capacity to be taking care of himself surely had the capacity to send the occasional text explaining they are ok or at least to leave a letter.

It’s just struck me that he probably missed at least one birthday during this period, not to mention Mother’s Day. But he’s arrived just in time for Father’s Day!

I wouldn’t let him back at all, ever. He’s a sociopath and has already deeply damaged his children and wife. OP needs a divorce, not a man who would do this to her without a backwards glance.

Of course there might be piggy in the middle! Although we aren’t aware if this is/was the case. All supposition atm. If…..and I say ‘if’ his Mum knew she was placed in an awful position. I’m not about to debate the rights and wrongs regarding who knew what/when, as I simply don’t know.

What an awful awful man - to put you and your young DC through this - not knowing how or if you were even coping.
You sound incredible @throwawaymum2024 - not sure how you’ve done it.
I hope you can find some space to make a plan - trawl through all the best advice on here that works for you. Remember to look after yourself too… try and sleep, eat and hydrate and keep your strength up. Anything that happens should be on your terms.
Remember you are incredibly strong and resilient . It’s an extraordinary thing to have gone through with so little support xx

I strongly believe he left for another woman, it didn't work out and now he's back. He thinks he can return to normal because he never broke up with you, just "left". But that's worse, how could he do that to his children?!!! I could never do that to my children. You are right to not let him walzt back in, he'd only do it again and upset the children further. I kinda feel like his mum knows?! I'd be inclined to drive past her house a few times, to see if another car is there. It would be odd if she didn't know.

IF his mum knew she might have been "in an awful position" but no where near as awful as OP and her children were in.

IF his Mum knew nothing short of her son's life being in danger if she said anything would excuse her leaving her daughter in law and grandchildren in the limbo they were in.

I think the probability that his Mother and his friends actually knew why he'd disappeared, possibly where he was, and left her in the dark is probably more damaging for OP 's mental health than her H's appalling behaviour. How could you ever trust people again after that? What a blow to your self esteem people who knew you cared so little about you and your children's welfare.

Late to this thread. You are amazing!!! What you have managed to do in the last 6 months...... It honestly sounds like a tv series but this is your real life ! Stay strong and don't let him anywhere near kids. Def tell school and get any support you can from school for kids. I would also be suspicious of mil and would see a solicitor.

Haven't rtft, just your posts, but this is shocking.

One practical thing is you shouldn't be having to worry about 'being behind on a few bits". Send him a bill for 6 months child maintenance based on the salary he walked away from. He might not pay it but it makes the point that you have been a single parent all this time and that he is the absent parent and still has responsibilities.

My first thought was that he has just been thrown out of a “romantic” relationship which h ditched his family for.

Proceed with caution, and so well done for keeping your head above water in what must have been a ghastly few months.

This is the nastiest and most heart wrenching thing a husband could do to his family! Utterly unbelievable! Like most others my head goes straight to moved in with another woman and it didn’t work out. I can’t see any other explanation because he’s not offering you the truth to where he went and who he stayed with. Either that or he’s a spy and he’s been off on a secret mission! (Been watching too much Black Doves!) Seriously though please update us, we’re all thinking of you and hoping you get some answers to this terrible situation you’re in.

No way!!! He didn't spare a thought for the kids or you or what it put you all through. Don't listen to the excuses, if he could pack up and go at the drop of a hat then he doesn't care about any of you. A real man would have spoken out to someone if he was struggling and asked for help, but he ditched his wife and very young kids without a word..your family deserves so much better. Onwards and upwards honey. Good luck.

You can look on totalcarcheck.co.uk too with his registration number and it will show when the last registration document (V5) was issued and if the car's been listed for sale recently.

It's also very telling that none of his friends contacted you. They know what happened. No doubt about it.

That said, do you really need to know where he's been? In the grand scheme of things, does it matter?? It's not going to change anything. He still walked out of your lives and left your young kids traumatised. That's something that they're going to have to deal with for life.

I got back in touch with an old school friend when facebook took off (yes, I'm old). I asked how her parents were and she said her mum was good but had no idea about her dad. He got up one morning, totally normally, sorted the kids' breakfasts out, dropped them off at school saying "have a good day" etc, then never came home again. Turns out he had another woman and he just literally walked out of one life into another and never looked back. No note, no explanation, didn't take anything with him.

She told me it took them years to come to terms with what he'd done. If there had been arguing or fighting you could at least say there was a reason, but he lived a perfectly happy family life and then bam, one day, it was gone.

Focus on protecting yourself and your kids and divorce the fucker ASAP.

A relative of mine feigned a mental breakdown and said that she just needed to get away. She left her two children and husband and simply got on a plane to the other side of the world and disappeared for a few weeks. It transpires that she had met a man online, initially through gaming I think. Then it turned into this whole idealised relationship with him in a new country, completely leaving behind the drudgery of her life. My gut feeling is that your husband sold his car and has been holidaying abroad until the money ran out. If he was sofa locally surfing, why give up his job? He handed in his notice and thought it through. He had this planned out.

A mental crisis that has also happened to leave him looking well-rested and tanned?

I have a bridge that you might be interested in.

Long shot - a second family?

@PeopleWillAlwaysNeedPlates
Agree. The crisis appears to also continue to prevent him telling the truth (lying about not having a phone despite it being visible 🤦🏻‍♀️), or being at all transparent.