Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

When she saw him he lied about having a phone which OP could see in his pocket.

He sounds well dodgy and I honestly wouldn't let the kids near him and never alone with him. He may do something bad to get back at OP for not taking him back

it just doesn't add up. If he had mental health struggles, why can't he now say where he was during his recovery? Why lie about the phone? Why weren't his friends concerned at all?

I too think his friends and his mum know where he's been. I can't believe he turned up like that when you have children. Prison or another woman. Let him talk and don't agree to you going first if he tells you in few words and invites you to tell him how you have been .

Tbh OP I'm not trying to kick you whilst you're down but you really need to get a grip on the situation for your kid's sake. You should have filed for divorce and put in a CM claim months ago. Who gives a fuck why this loser has gone for 6 months?! You and your kids can never trust him again. Fuck all the 'family and friends' who've failed to support you and prioritise your children too. I wouldn't be wasting a shred of energy trying to work out his motives. I'd be doing to him exactly what he's done to you. I'd move, refuse to communicate with him or give him your new address. The only useful thing he can give you and your children now is money so lawyer up and get as much as you can from him. Your children need a strong and decisive mother to help them process this not a mum who's continuing to let this twat take up headspace.

Before he has any unsupervised access to the children you need to get a court order that has you down as the resident parent so he can’t just take the children and not return them. You know he can’t be trusted so please cover all bases. You don’t know him anymore.

I think I would not bother asking any questions, be unbothered, when he asks about meeting up, I’d ask him for money to pay any debts you had ran up. Get the ball rolling in divorce and move on. That would put a dent in his ego that you coped with bringing up the DC, thinking he was dead and then had the wall of silence from everyone who knew where he was. You know if his lips are moving then it’s most probably a lie.

This is very similar to a TV show called Keeping Faith. It's scary. I feel for you and agree that keeping him away is the best thing for you all at the moment. Love to you x

Organise to meet up on neutral territory, then don’t turn up 😂
On a serious note, what an absolute coward.

What a wanker

He lied about the phone because he doesn’t want OP or the children to think they can call or text him. Its a continuation of his being unavailable and unaccountable to them. In some ways I think this most recent lie is the worst.

UN forgivable, wherever hes been, whatever the reason. Prison, to washing dishes in a ski resort,
He decides to walk back in, no apology, no truth. No responsibility for his kids,
How on Gods earth can he justify simply abandoning you and the whole family unit without a word?
I really believe I would tell him, I dont even want to hear why, who, where.
its all smoke & mirrors & half truths.
You cant believe any single word that comes out of his serpent’s mouth.

The pain, the work load, cost, the worry, the panic the suffering. For you & your children.
Selfish, weak, lying. Bastard. Fuck him & the horse he rode up on.

I don’t know what to say,this is just awful.

Inhope you get to the bottom of it. I also hope you don’t take him back. He left you with nothing and to survive alone , he let his children think he could be dead and he isn’t even sorry.

you deserve so much better .

I’d serve him divorce papers before he disappears again and makes it impossible.

Can you go round to mother in laws house and ask her face to face if she knows anything more.
So sorry this sounds awful

I have no advice, but sending you virtual hugs. Can't even imagine what your mind is going through at the moment.

This is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever read on MN!

My money’s on affair or prison, especially with the odd behaviour before he left (worrying perhaps?). The fact that it’s 6 month almost to the day is suspicious too. Perhaps he got a 6 month sentence, did his time on licence at his mum’s so Probation wouldn’t contact you (as it is also odd that his mum was not surprised, if my son had been missing for 6 months and you called, I’d have been straight in the car to see him!) and now he’s off licence he thinks he can come back home and you’ll never know what happened.

Was there another time before that he disappeared (could have been arrested?).

@Onthemaintrunkline Thanks so much for that. It was several years ago now but I still remember the shock when I came across it on FB. I could barely believe it. Luckily, me and my ex are still friends even though we don't meet in person. I've never wished him harm. We married very young and just drifted apart after 25 years of mostly happy marriage.

I’m sorry he did that. I would think mental breakdown?

He doesn’t deserve to be in yours or your children’s life right now, focus on protecting yourselves and when you feel ready to (if ever), slowly reintroduce him to the bits of your life you want him in (ie supervised access to DC) - all on your terms. Big hugs OP x

Personally I would tell him I want a divorce . Don’t let him see the kids unsupervised either . No amount of MH issues can justify this . I doubt it’s even MH , probably with someone and it didn’t work out .
No matter the reason imo , he is a bad dad , a bad husband and 100% selfish

Did he have debts and he owed people so needed to do a midnight flit, before debt collectors came?
Has he got another woman somewhere?
I'm sorry but this fella sounds dodgy and you and your children deserve better than this scumbag.

Maybe he got into a relationship but it didn't work out.

I would possibly say to him you will not let him move back until after 6 months as it's disturbing to your children and their welfare comes first.

Applying Occam's Razor would suggest an affair and that his Mother knew. It's the scenario that best answers the question of noone checking in with the OP or seeming unduly worried. Her H turning up looking well-fed and nicely dressed, and his inability to explain himself or even tell OP where he is.

I'd put my house on him having been with a woman - either here or abroad - following an ultimatum from her that meant he HAD to leave by the beginning of this year, and he followed his dick to her. And now that it's become 'real', it's gone pear shaped and he is back with his tail between his legs.

To leave you without word is unforgivable
To allow you to wonder if he is still alive is next-level selfish
And to have no contact with his DC for five months because he was having an affair, shows me a man I could NEVER look at without disgust again - never mind forgive.

OP - it might not be an affair, but it probably is.
I'm sorry - he is a fucking piece of shit - but you've done the hard part. You've survived five months and it will get easier. Fuck him.

ps. His mother might genuinely love you, but she is always going to prioritise here son. I get that. But to allow you and her grandchildren to be scrabbling about in the dark, unchecked, un-cared for, and with no idea what was happening? Also unforgivable.

Well, when you do meet, you stare him in the eye and demand to know what he thinks he has put the children through, as in 'So what do you think you have done to OUR children? Yes, OUR children, whom you have injured, to whom you have done damage. What do you have to say to that, you lying scumbag?'

If he doesn't writhe in misery, divorce the fucker. Hopefully, you're halfway to that anyway.

This behaviour is really strange. No matter what it was, prison, another woman… whatever, you‘d think he‘d have communicated it at some point. Or is he someone who NEVER shares what bothers him, at all? Anyway, the apparent lack of even acknowledging the hurt and problems his behaviour caused makes any conversation kind of pointless. I think in any meeting I‘d insist on a briefing about the time of his absence before discussing anything else: where he‘s been living and with whom - just names and dates, just the naked facts. If that doesn‘t come right away I‘d stand up and leave. I‘d not even bother with talking about divorce and money for the kids, he will know when he gets the letters from the lawyer. Which is stil more and clearer communication than he was willing to grant OP.