Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

Yep. Agree with all of this. He will no doubt get defensive and try to blame you, both for him leaving and then not welcoming him back down on bended knee, but he can fuck right off.

I’m so sorry OP. As someone who is not emotionally involved in this situation, this screams OW and his mum and friends knew. If my DH disappeared without a word and simply told the police he was “safe and well”, his mum and friends wouldn’t be so blasé about it unless they knew where he had had gone and what he was up to. A person who just disappears for an unknown reason really isn’t “safe and well” - that tends to be a cry for help and I can’t imagine my DH’s mum and friends just shrugging their shoulders, taking his word for it and not contacting me regularly to find out what’s going on UNLESS they knew exactly where he was and what he was up to. For your sake and your children’s sake, don’t trust this man as he is no longer the man you married.

It takes a certain kind of person to walk out on his wife and children. Then show up emotionless. It would involve a lack of empathy and seems as though OP didn't, and doesn't, know her dh at all. It's scary, actually. I must reiterate that OP needs to go to a solicitor immediately. I also agree with hiring a PI.

That’s awful!
You deserve an explanation? Was a mental health breakdown or an affair that has now gone wrong?
why has he now come back?

i thought the same as you

I think he’s been living it up in Spain with a new woman and it hasn’t worked out. He has utter contempt for you and his kids though to not even leave a note and then come waltzing in without so much as an apology. I can’t believe his arrogance to expect you to welcome him back with open arms.

He’s not to be trusted, if and when contact resumes I’d suggest supervised contact.

I agree with pp in that I’d be very surprised if his friends and family didn't know, I can’t imagine how his mum especially could’ve been so calm if she genuinely thought her married son had just taken off and left his family.

I am not one who is prone to hyperbole but OP’s ‘d’h sounds like a sociopath

This is one heartbreaking thread.

You’ve been/are going through hell @throwawaymum2024.

You must feel totally betrayed (not just by him), but how fortunate are your children to have a resilient, warrior as a mother.

There is no excuse for his behaviour non what so ever. Even having a mental health crisis, is no excuse ( just to leave you worrying). No I would never trust him again.
I would be cagy about him seeing the kids, I would almost want him to have supervised contact for a while. On that note if he has PR, then legally he can collect the kids from school etc.

Have you googled his name? It may bring up some information about him??!@

Can you see his passport? If so, check to see if there are any landing / embarkation stamps for other countries. (If he's British he wouldn't get UK stamps). Might give you an idea of his movements.

Look at the credit card / bank statements - locations, hotel names, travel companies.

Knowing what he was doing in the face of his attempts to mislead you would in itself give you more of the power in this imbalanced situation.

Could you live it up in Spain anymore post Brexit?

I would put money on him having had an affair with someone from work. This would account for him leaving in December, most likely sacked and his colleagues not going all out to help you find him ,because they knew.

@throwawaymum2024 - bit of a long shot but do you have access to his Amazon account if he has one, or can you guess the password? You could look at his saved addresses on there.

If the Police had the car reg number it would ping on any ANPR (Automatic Number Plate Recognition) camera, same as if stolen vehicle or reports of dangerous driving etc. If you've filled out a Missing Person Report his car reg would be logged on the ANPR system, and Police would be advised if they are in the vicinity. I'm guessing here, but if he was pulled over by the Police they would be able to ascertain if he was OK, if he'd left home voluntarily, and as a Missing Person adult their duty would be to tell you that he was OK, and that only, not where he was or who he was with, as an example. Hopefully that's one mystery sorted.

I know a guy who did something similar, just last year, he lived rough on the streets in London for a couple of months begging; he'd get an occasional pull from the Police so there would be a record of where he was seen and date/time on the system, on the Missing Persons report, but again, as an adult, all his family would be told was that he was OK. He's home now. I know a little of the financial struggles the family were under before he left .. he ran, Mum was left to sort out the kids and everything else.

You are correct that New Year / January is the busiest time for divorce - living with the family over Christmas without the escape / excuse of work and nipping to see the OW, is a huge factor in this.

I'm inwardly raging for you on this, OP, raging. That he left with no word. The idea that his Mum, and his friends too, colluded to keep you and your children in the dark. Raging.

doesnt sound like a breakdown and his mates are lying

what a hateful man i wouldnt take him back but do try getting maintenance

Gosh that must have been awful. Deceit or mistrust cloud’s relationships going forward. I’m so sorry you were on the receiving end of this - especially as you say there was no need!

Is there any disclosure from the police that you can force using your right as a wife and mother to his children?

Clare’s Law - ‘Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme’ (DVDS), would tell you if he has been convicted of any violent offences.

There’s also Sarah’s law - to see if they pose any risk to children

A stab in the dark, but perhaps worth trying to get any info you can seeing as he’s so elusive and secretive.

Have you been able to access play therapy for your kids? There are some free services in places. A court could also force him to fund it eventually.

I'd say you nailed it right there. What a pathetic excuse for a human being and supposed father. Urgh. File for divorce OP and get a claim in for CM and change your locks. Sending a huge hug 💕

Is there any disclosure from the police that you can force using your right as a wife and mother to his children?

The very simple answer, as has been stated many times already on this thread, is no.

Tbh whatever his excuse is, there's really no way to justify what he's done to you and your dc.

You're being really strong!

The prison angle is very unlikely given how long he had been away which was a relatively short time.

Additionally he came back refreshed and well rather than than having the air of a man who’s been forcibly separated from his kids and wife and cooped up in a jail for 5 months.

At any rate, it wouldn’t explain why he didn’t leave at some sort of note even if it’s just a - “sorry gone away to clear my head. Will be in touch later this year.”

He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

Cheeky, selfish, self-indulgent bastard!

I wouldn't even give him a conversation. Treat him as he's treated you and stonewall the massive shit.

Divorce papers would be my priority.

Fair point. Maybe it was someone who lived here and abroad so they split their time?

Like my friends ex was going back and forth between Poland with his new girlfriend and then them living here for months at a time .

I think British people can spend 3 months in Spain on a tourist visa.

Agree with all of these options.

He left for his own selfish reasons and he's come back for his own selfish reasons.

He deserves nothing.