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Original poster

Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

918 replies

throwawaymum2024 · 01/06/2025 16:04

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 02/06/2025 15:23

What a fucking cowardly bastard he is..

tracker idea is actually clever. I wouldn’t even know where to start though. I don’t know if he’s got the same car or where he’s parking it. not seen it since he left.

Buy a tag or an old iPhone, and have it ready. Arrange to meet him somewhere he knows but where you can be outside watching him arrive. See how he turns up - if its a car then whilst he makes his way to the venue you go and pop the airtag on his car - get some gaffer tape and tape it under the wheel arch - practice on your own car.

In all honesty - unless you're going to have him back, why bother with his lies and deception.

The audacity to walk back in looking fuller in the face and slightly tanned after 5 months, just screams he has no idea what he has put those 3 children though and you know that you
want now to protect them from more of that.

I doubt he has been in prison, reason being don't you have to give an address where you are staying when you leave? So he wouldn't turn up at your place and expect to stay.

No one can tell you what to do, I doubt you'd ever rest easy with him again, not knowing if he was going to leave and upset your world and the children heads.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/06/2025 15:27

BeenThereGotTheScars · 02/06/2025 14:54

This will be long so I will try to keep to minimal details, but OP asked if anyone has experienced similar.

My DH did similar many years ago. Packed a bag, walked out and vanished. I didn't find out for months where he was living, although he did not completely cut contact. He would occasionally turn up for an hour or two to see our slightly older kids and would answer text messages intermittently. I did everything in that time, looked after the house, garden, kids including one having surgery and GCSEs, got promoted etc. It was horrendous.

The whole time he denied that there was someone else. I didn't believe him, and yes, it turned out that there was. He swore blind it didn't start until after he left, but I am pretty confident he only meant the physical side of the relationship. All the evidence I found all strongly supported an emotional one at least. He looked like shit for the entire duration. Trying to dress and style himself like a younger man but stopped exercising, having always been fit. Etc. You get the picture. His mum knew he was with an OW and met her. She cut me off, didn't bother with our kids having always been very close to me and them previously. He kept OW away from all his and our friends, so they had no clue, and hung out with hers instead.

Once he knew that I knew I had been lied to, he actually moved away from her and lived on his own, while he processed having blown his life up for a fling. Right from the day he found out I knew, he immediately admitted it wasn't going to last because she wanted kids, but they hadn't bothered having that conversation upfront!

He turned up one day about 6 months later and said he was ready to come home. I said no. Over the next few months, we did a lot of talking and he went for counselling. I had already been going. Anyway, eventually I did agree to let him move home and although we are a long way down the line, there are still things that come up, wounds that will never quite heal.

Would I advise anyone else to go through this kind of reconciliation? Probably not. If I had been younger, I probably wouldn't have done it myself. As it was, my kids were old enough to have conversations with them and get their views as well as deciding what I felt. I also know I can walk away and be fine if I choose. To this day, I still don't really understand my decision to allow him back in, but it was right for me and I don't regret it, but do expect to get shit thrown at me here for it.

At the time, I found that between friends and neighbours, I knew of at least half a dozen couples where the husband had done something broadly similar and they had got back together several months or years later. This may have influenced my decision.

Conclusion? It's an OW, regardless of whether you ever find or get shown the evidence. It doesn't matter either way because beyond knowing it happened, the details of another relationship are unimportant. It is what you choose to do with that knowledge that matters.

I hope you and your kids give your toxic mother-in-law a wide berth as she threw you all under a bus. Despite her son's behaviour, she could still have had a relationship with you and her grandchildren but she obviously didn't want that. I'd never speak to her again and certainly wouldn't let my kids see her.

Hadalifeonce · 02/06/2025 15:28

I am sure if my DH disappeared without trace, I would have friends and family contacting me regularly to see if I had heard anything.
The fact that is not the case for the OP, makes me wonder if they knew where he was. It's a complete shit show, and I don't believe he will ever tell the truth.

MoodSwingSet · 02/06/2025 15:37

you will get alerts if someone drops an airtag in your car though so he would know

Ohnobackagain · 02/06/2025 15:47

@throwawaymum2024 this is awful. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling.

I’m thinking if he has a phone, who’s he contacting? There has to be someone else. Otherwise he wouldn’t really need it and could have left it at where he is staying when he turned up. Do you have a mate who can follow him next time he comes round? I wonder if he is parking round the corner.

Bloody snake of a bloke - fuming for you!

Cuppa2sugars · 02/06/2025 15:57

He’s a lier and a cheat. Just the phone itself, saying he hasn’t got one and yet you can see it !!! So is his mother and his mates. They’re all liers. I wouldn’t trust any of them. It’s up to you if you take him back but it’ll happen again.

Divorce him, take him to the cleaners. You’ve managed for 6 months and it’ll get easier on your own as the kids grow.

Or you can take him back, but I would make his life hell..

handsdownthebest · 02/06/2025 16:01

throwawaymum2024 · 01/06/2025 23:52

yeah it’s the not knowing that’s breaking my brain now. feels like I’ve had to hold everything up for so long that now I’m just running on fumes. he’s home and I still don’t feel any better. it’s just worse in a different way.

I don’t think it’s drugs. I’d know. or prison tbh. he seems too…comfortable? Like not shaken in the way you’d expect. no signs of detox, no fear or shame like someone who’d been locked up. just vague and blank.

I’ve got a couple of close friends who know bits. my sister’s been checking in when she can. but yeah mostly it’s just me. I’m tired. I’ll be okay, but right now I’m just trying to keep steady for the DCs. they don’t deserve any more chaos.

Sorry this happened to you and your children.
What an awful thing to put you all through.On the positive, you can now serve him divorce papers.

Bluedenimdoglover · 02/06/2025 16:11

Only you know whether he was showing signs of a mental breakdown before he disappeared. If you think this was unlikely and he doesn't explain where he was and can back this up, then it's likely there was someone else. You know him better than anyone here can. Ball is in his court to show his reason was true.

SingleMama0 · 02/06/2025 16:18

This is all very odd op. Youre doing the right thing. Keep a log of everything thats gone on- when he disappeared, responses from people, when he turned back up, how he looked etc

Welcome2thecircus · 02/06/2025 16:23

Wow. I really feel for you. If you need time away you say, you don't dissappear then reappear 6 months later without even a phonecall. No regard for you or your family. Especially just turning up like that.. Without warning.

Personally I'd have moved on and would keep him at distance from the children until he can explain where he's been. So they can understand and process it first.

Sounds like you've been incredibly strong ❤️

REignbow · 02/06/2025 16:24

The fact that he got annoyed when you didn’t fawn over him, that he didn’t apologise, lied about him having a phone and was vague speaks volumes.

If it walks like a duck it is one.

You need to put yourself and especially your children first.

You need to protect yourself from any manipulation and coercion. You’ll suddenly start getting pressure to go back to the status quo….

Grendel7 · 02/06/2025 16:25

throwawaymum2024 · 01/06/2025 16:04

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

Oh you poor soul and your poor children... send him back to where he's been for the past six months,because this is a breakdown of trust, in that you have no idea where he's been and with who, and he would not even talk to you,even to say that he wasn't coping and would be in touch soon. If he's that weak and unreliable,you deserve better,all of you. Sending hugs.

SpryCat · 02/06/2025 16:27

You have been so strong @throwawaymum2024, I think you need to do what’s right for you and the DC. Don’t rush into talking to him, you know he’s not going to tell you the truth. The only decent thing that man can do, is give you lots of money to pay back money you’ve had to borrow and any outstanding bills.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 02/06/2025 16:28

I'd want to know all the details before making a decision

  1. Where he has stayed since leaving - all names and addresses
  2. I'd want copies of all bank statements (he'll have to give them anyway at some point).
  3. Passport - to see if he's been abroad.
  4. All details of where gets been working
  5. A reason why he left
  6. A reason he's not bothered to cintribute to his children for 5 months
I'd be applying to CMS for child maintenance
Coffeislife · 02/06/2025 16:30

What on earth ?

littlefireseverywhere · 02/06/2025 16:30

There’s some really great advice on here; but move at your pace and whatever comes next you absolutely deserve the truth.

smallsilvercloud · 02/06/2025 16:37

Fuller in face and new clothes, doesn’t seem he’s been struggling on his own with MH I’d say OW, they normally leave a trace of themselves online, the one that repeatedly likes everything, he kept mentioning or the inlaws know something. He must of planned it well in advance, quitting his job to get a new one, unforgivable. You’ve come this far and spend too much time away to ever to go back, you’re progressing forward and the silly toad doesn’t have a clue what to do, no one wants him.

Justmovehousethen · 02/06/2025 16:41

I have read some shitty, shitty behaviour on Mumsnet but this thread takes the biscuit.

What an absolute arsehole.

WTAF.

Cuppa2sugars · 02/06/2025 16:47

If he says he had a mental breakdown /depression, I would want to see a note from his doctor.

Spinachpastapicker · 02/06/2025 16:50

Sauvin · 02/06/2025 07:59

If he, your MIL, his friends or anyone else tries to persuade you to forgive him and let him back, you just talk about the children. Adults have issues between them but children are innocent and he abandoned them without explanation or thought for their wellbeing. It is unforgivable and what kind of mother would you be if you gave him the chance to do it to them again. That will shut them up.

Yes absolutely this.

Cismyfatarse · 02/06/2025 16:51

Can you ask the police to do a Clare’s Law check? Just in case he has been in prison or under arrest or on remand? Not sure if this is only for new partners but it might reassure you.

ELS20 · 02/06/2025 16:55

I realise I’m late to post on this thread but OP I can’t see how you can even consider moving forward with him. He left without any consideration to how it would devastate you and his kids, or how you’d cope financially. And didn’t even check in with you once or let you know he’s ok. He just didn’t care about you or the kids. I could never forgive that. You’re doing amazingly without him and he doesn’t deserve to come back.

THEDEACON · 02/06/2025 17:08

Id not enven consider having jim back but you do you

THEDEACON · 02/06/2025 17:08

Him

LingThing · 02/06/2025 17:26

Bloody hell OP, I just waht3 it say what you have been though is horrific, never down play in your head he let you think he was dead and his kids.

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