Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

You should probably read the thread, particulary OP's posts before coming in at the end with this.

Perfectly said. I'd desperately want to know too but he's made it clear that OP will not get any closure here. He will lie and lie and lie until he stumbles on a lie that OP will believe.

OP, I hope one thing you take from the 20 pages of horrified posters is the seriousness of what he has done, to you and the children. It is very much emotionally abusive. It's hard, when he's acting as if it's no big deal, to stay strong on that but please do.

However he tries to spin it going forward (fell in love with someone new, struggling mentally, relationship was not good etc), please return to this thread when you need to and remind yourself.

This situation is NOT the same as two parents divorcing. It is not the same as him having an affair and leaving your marriage. This is not about your relationship. This is not a marital problem.

He abandoned you and your children without a word. That is abusive. That is traumatic for all of you. The children will carry this with them forever. Please show them that it is not acceptable. Spend the last bit of your energy (you've been so strong!) on getting them support and help with this.

It is a testament to you that you kept going. At some point, when things calm down, I can see a situation where it would be easier just to let him back in - to "work on your relationship" etc. He will try to convince you that all that's happened here is a mistake - a temporary separation, a martial blip.

Please remember that's not what happened. This abusive man has caused very deep wounds. It will affect your children's relationships potentially for the rest of their lives.

I think this man is frightening.
Is it possible that he has set up an alternate home, and has returned to disappear with the children?

I wanted to say how much I admire you OP. You’ve done an amazing job considering the absolute trauma you and your children have suffered. I’ve got an abandoned child (my ex-h did this to our son) and I know how utterly awful it is for them. They have no idea the damage they do or they do and simply don’t care.

My first thought is he went off with OW, family and friends knew and covered up, because otherwise normal people would be trying to publicise, find him, support you and none of those things happened. He made it clear he didn’t want to be found. Guessing the relationship ended and here he is. There would be absolutely zero alternative to divorce if this were me. He’s never going to tell you the truth and he deserves not a second more of your time. See a solicitor and start a CMS claim. He has money, clearly. I wish you and your kids peace going forwards 💐

His mates and mum must have known all along. Can you imagine if your son (even if adult) or friend goes missing like that, wouldn't you be worried (at least until police confirms they are well)? That the friends just said nothing must mean they knew where he was.

He’s a lying cheating bastard and his mum is a disgrace too

I think -

He went off with an OW after she issued a Christmas/New Year ultimatum.

He was living with her rather comfortably, maybe going on holiday (the tan) until she saw sense. Probably because he was living off her, being jobless. It all fell apart and she kicked him out.

His mother and some friends knew.

The police did what they could, found him and told you he was safe and well - but could do nothing else because he told them he did not want you to find him. This is sadly the right thing - how many people are escaping abusive relationships and get away? They have no way of knowing why he left. I'm sorry.

All his job could tell you was that he no longer worked there.

This was planned and executed intentionally with zero thought and respect for you and the children's distress.

Problem now: No job. No money. No home. No woman.

Solution: You! Expected to open your arms and everything else and welcome him back.

Stay fucking furious, love.

Solicitor. Get a clear sense of your and your children's rights.

Find out exactly what child maintenance he owes you having abandoned the family he has stopped supporting

I'd also send him a clear statement of exactly what his actions have done to you and the children.

I'd also be inclined to say you require:

A list of where he was living and when and who with
How he was supporting himself
Copies of all the bank and credit card statements

Maybe get your solicitor to send that.

He will refuse, lie, bluster, smoke and mirrors.

You need a business meeting with him, not the children and certainly not his mother. Do not allow any wheedling attempts to rekindle romance.

Do not listen to any attempts by his mother to cajole you into forgive and forget. Her status as grandmother would be her main thought, not your wellbeing.

Because if you have him back, he will do it again. And the damage to your children and to you will be lifelong.

When you can, some therapy for you all (not him) would be wise.

LTB.

Apologies if duplicate of PP.

Get urgent legal advice about obtaining a sole residence order with no unsupervised access. His history shows he's a potential child abduction risk.

I second the advice re finances - you are liable legally for his debts as well. You need a very clear idea what is going on and how the last six months have been funded. I would be changing passwords and taking him out of the equation for all banking etc.

A sole residence order is an excellent suggestion. Probably the most important one on here, you can not rely on him obviously but not his family to do the right thing - they have already proved otherwise.

Be careful. He can have your ear but know that he could do it again. If you can handle him disappearing again, and the emotional impact on you and the children, then go for it. It has to be your decision.

i second this.

it may be helpful for you to hear him out.

however absolutely do not let yourself be steamrollered into letting him move back in unless you actively want him there. Don’t let him minimise !! This is a horrendous thing to do to you, it would take a long time to rebuild trust (even assuming you wanted to).

Princess cruises do a round the world trip that left on 5th Jan and arrived back in LA on 17th May. Any chance he's suddenly decided to do a once in a lifetime trip without his family?

Either way the trust is gone. I couldn't forgive him and I couldn't trust it wasn't another woman or he wouldn't do it again.

OP you are not responsible for any debts in his sole name. Not credit cards or bank accounts UNLESS they are in joint names, and you have said you do not have joint bank accounts. If yours and his name is on the tenancy you would be liable for rent debts.

Have you started claiming single occupancy Council Tax discount?

I am not sure how you can claim through the CSA unless you have contact details - but have a look through all his paperwork and see if you can find his NI number.

It has been sunny enough to get a UK tan, and is there any chance he has been doing outdoor casual work? Did you check whether his passport is still in your house yet?

I still think prison is a possibility. But it would be interesting to know if his car has had its MOT renewed during the time he has been absent - if he had taken his car to a mates / parents I would have expected them to SORN it if he was in prison.

What time of day did he leave on Jan 2nd? Was he looking smart of scruffy? What did he pack in his bag, as far as you know from what was missing? How big a bag? A holdall o a big suitcase? Did he take his laptop?

Having now read the rest of your posts/updates I am even more horrified.

He has reappeared and LIED to you? Not apologised??? Been vague and not explained where he was gone? My God.

please spend all your mental energies on yourself and your children . This man is a scumbag who doesn’t deserve a minute of your time.

you meanwhile are a superhero who has held everything together for your children and kept them safe. They will remember that their whole life.

sending you hugs

If he’s got a tan he may have met someone online and just scarpered off to wherever they are from, leaving everything behind him.

Once there it may not have turned out as expected i.e. he doesn’t have any money, and he’s been dumped.

Back on home turf he has no money, home or warm bed. He knows he will have to cough up for his kids. He may have done the maths and worked out it’s cheaper for him to be a cocklodger.

My take on this is he’s met someone online who had dying love for him, and he’s taken the bait and been fleeced, or wasn’t able to live up to the financial expectations. Make sure he’s not back to get his hands on money to go back there. He may have someone overseas waiting for her western Union transfers.

I really think you need someone to look over his internet history on your devices.

There is a slight silver lining to this. You now know he’s safe and alive. You no longer need to worry about him. He’s ok. You can now move on guilt free. He’s no longer your DH. Whatever he does now is his problem, not yours. You can extrapolate yourself from him legally. Do it before he pisses off again.

From the way he reappeared, the state of him and the vague bullshit he's already tried to spin you about where he was, you already know everything you need to know. What he did was unforgiveable and he doesn't deserve to be involved in yours or the children's lives ever again.

Nothing he can say from this point on can change that. He's not fallen to pieces, he's not in danger, so you can now move on, divorce him and take everything you can get from him. It might be worth meeting him somewhere neutral with a friend to hear what he's got to say for himself, just once. But you don't need to.

What he did to you was shitty, what he did to your children was terrible. I would want to rip his stupid head off.

You are spectacular and stronger than you ever knew.

Does he even have a job or is he expecting you to support him no questions answered? He owes you the truth as a bare minimum.

Great post from @Beesandhoney123 at 23.13 last night. Wise advice.

Fucking hell.
He's either run out of money and/or the pair of knickers that he ran off to threw him out.

How on earth could anyone take this cunt back?
Seriously.
He can fuck off for himself.

This will be long so I will try to keep to minimal details, but OP asked if anyone has experienced similar.

My DH did similar many years ago. Packed a bag, walked out and vanished. I didn't find out for months where he was living, although he did not completely cut contact. He would occasionally turn up for an hour or two to see our slightly older kids and would answer text messages intermittently. I did everything in that time, looked after the house, garden, kids including one having surgery and GCSEs, got promoted etc. It was horrendous.

The whole time he denied that there was someone else. I didn't believe him, and yes, it turned out that there was. He swore blind it didn't start until after he left, but I am pretty confident he only meant the physical side of the relationship. All the evidence I found all strongly supported an emotional one at least. He looked like shit for the entire duration. Trying to dress and style himself like a younger man but stopped exercising, having always been fit. Etc. You get the picture. His mum knew he was with an OW and met her. She cut me off, didn't bother with our kids having always been very close to me and them previously. He kept OW away from all his and our friends, so they had no clue, and hung out with hers instead.

Once he knew that I knew I had been lied to, he actually moved away from her and lived on his own, while he processed having blown his life up for a fling. Right from the day he found out I knew, he immediately admitted it wasn't going to last because she wanted kids, but they hadn't bothered having that conversation upfront!

He turned up one day about 6 months later and said he was ready to come home. I said no. Over the next few months, we did a lot of talking and he went for counselling. I had already been going. Anyway, eventually I did agree to let him move home and although we are a long way down the line, there are still things that come up, wounds that will never quite heal.

Would I advise anyone else to go through this kind of reconciliation? Probably not. If I had been younger, I probably wouldn't have done it myself. As it was, my kids were old enough to have conversations with them and get their views as well as deciding what I felt. I also know I can walk away and be fine if I choose. To this day, I still don't really understand my decision to allow him back in, but it was right for me and I don't regret it, but do expect to get shit thrown at me here for it.

At the time, I found that between friends and neighbours, I knew of at least half a dozen couples where the husband had done something broadly similar and they had got back together several months or years later. This may have influenced my decision.

Conclusion? It's an OW, regardless of whether you ever find or get shown the evidence. It doesn't matter either way because beyond knowing it happened, the details of another relationship are unimportant. It is what you choose to do with that knowledge that matters.

Hang on, he's unemployed and hoping to move back in with you - how very convenient for him, then he gets his bills paid as well - until he decides to fuck off again. Please tell this lowlife chancer to fuck right off. You've coped amazingly well on your own and he will bring nothing but misery and expense. He hasn't even apologised! Prick.

I cannot even imagine what a mindfuck this is for you OP. The lack of a shit he must give to not even let his children know he was alive is just mind boggling.

I think if you decide to meet him, do it in a neutral place and have a list of questions that you want answers to right then and there, and if he does not give them, then you walk away. And don't tip him off about it. Very simple things that have a concrete answer such as the full name and telephone number of a person he stayed with at a given time. And then call them right then and there in front of him. If he won't give you honesty at this point about something like that then I don't see how he can expect you to move forward with him in your life.

You've managed without him after all, with the added emotional distress of both you and carrying that of your kids. Which shows just how much of fuck all he is worth.

He turned up one day about 6 months later and said he was ready to come home.

The bloody cheek. Walk out like your family is wife's personal little hobby, and then expect to be welcomed whenever he decides he wants to participate again.

It’s ok for a cat to do this, pitch up chubby and shiny coated after being missing for five months , it’s very much not ok for a grown man and father of three little children.

@throwawaymum2024
Just hoping you're okay and managing to get your head round this. 💐