Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

I wouldn't leap to conclusions about MIL just yet. It could be that he's reappeared (and she's so very glad to see him back) and he's gone to stay with her and that she's swallowing his stories about sofa surfing and a mental breakdown and how hard he's had it. He could even be larding his stories with lots of extraneous detail about how dreadful it's all been, how hard he's had it, what he's had to do to get by, and she's believing it all because she wants to. Deep down she may well know that he's lying, but for now she wants to believe because her son is back.

Damned if I know why she wouldn't have been more in contact with OP and the kids though while he was missing, unless her life has also been in some kind of turmoil and she just hasn't had the brain space.

But she might not have 'known all about it'. She might just be swallowing his lies.

I would want a full and honest explanation. Once I had heard that explanation, regardless of what he told me, he would then be served divorce papers. Leaving a grown adult and disappearing is horrendous enough but to leave his children is on another level. He's been beyond cruel. For me, there would be no going back. My gut feeling is that he had another woman (either here in the UK or abroad) and it hasn't worked out, so he's come home. He's not giving you any real explanation, it's all vague, in which case he's trying to hide where and what he's been doing for 6 months.

Until the next time he fucks off eh, I would tell him where to go.

She's still not liable if he incurred debts independent of her - she has to be a signatory to the debt.

My first thought is there is someone else and he thought the grass is greener, then realised it wasn't.
Now he wants back in. The audacity is unreal.

Maybe OP could say "you blocked me for 5 months, now my turn. I'll meet you for a coffee in October. Do you want to arrange the time, place and date now or on 1st October?"

I would ask him was there another woman involved some men just do disappear then they realise they made a mistake you poor thing loads of things going threw your head right now but the kids are most important cwat if he suddenly disappeared again

Sure! She's definitely got that option. The ball is very much in her court now.

@Onthemaintrunkline I agree re MIL feeling awkward being made piggy-in-the-middle. My lovely ex-MIL (and my DC) was put in an awkward position by my ex. I was still friendly with my ex, often exchanged messages and knew he had a new partner. So I was shocked when I found out they'd got married when I saw his post on FB the following day, with photos of the wedding and MIL and our DC there. Apparently, they'd all been sworn to secrecy because ex's new partner didn't want me to know about it! I was really hurt at the time and wish ex had stuck up for me more. I would have sent them a nice card and wished them well if I'd known (and I'm sure my ex knew that). MIL told me she'd been instructed not to say anything so she just had to go along with it.

The fact that he blocked you and ypu didn't know where he was/how he was tells me there is another woman involved. That is purely from experience. Sounds like he wanted to up sticks and live a new life without his past in the way, she probably didn't even know about you, also experience.

Now it's gone tit's up and he wants back in, I didn't take my cheating partner back but I feel for you it's a had an immense long term effect on me and my children.

this.

I wouldn't rush to facililtate him meeting up with the kids.
The concern with the kids is that he might pick them up and drop them again.

The vibes he's giving off. It's more like a checking up visit.
Doesn't appear to understand the trauma he's caused.

I wouldn't rush to set up a meeting with them not until you've had a lot more information.

But as another poster said upthread, don't rush - keep him waiting, especially as divorce would mean he can apply to see DC. Take it as slowly as you want, OP, but do get rid of him out of your lives. You are amazing, btw. Stay strong.

OP, this advice needs repeating.
Write down careful notes.
Give him an email address and tell him you will only converse through it.

Time can affect the memory, particularly when trauma is involved.

10-20 years from now you will have children asking more detailed questions.
You will be so grateful for any paperwork you can produce.

You ask the questions via email/text, then email sceenshots to yourself.
You have the answers or his refusal to answer in black and white.

Get a copybook and write down what you can remember of the past 6 months.
His disgusting friends refusing to answer questions or supporting you.

They have all clearly known.
His mothers support of him ahead of the welfare of you left with three children.
This is truly shocking and shameful.

I would tell her that your children will grow up knowing the character of their father AND his mother who supported him, in abandoning his wife and children.

You need careful notes as this stress could well play tricks on your mind.

You will survive this and so will your children.
But you must never give him the power again to be anything other than the loser waster of a father that he is.

You are an amazing woman and your children are blessed in you.

He can claim that but the OP reporting him missing to the police. They made contact and told her he was safe and well but couldn't say where he was...ie he told them not to.
She's had no maintenance or visits or any contact from him for six months and can prove it with phone/email records and benefit claims.

No expert but wouldn't that count as abandonment with a court?

If he’s looking well he’s been living the highlife, probably with a new squeeze.

He’s been in a new relationship, in lurvve, had his hair cut, got some new clothes and put on a few pounds eating out with her.

She has probably dumped him. After all, someone who has no soul and left his wife and young kids with nothing can’t keep up an act of a good guy for that long. He’s going for the ready meal - his ex and kids. That’s until someone else comes along ready to listen to his lies.

Tell him you now know he went off with someone else and watch him squirm.

Come on mumsnetters, we need to help out the OP here.

Surely some of us could help her with some off the record internet advance searches on him, or some super sleuth skills?

OP, is there any internet history still on your joint gadgets?

Sofa surfing? He’s only saying that to insinuate he has no trail.

The point is not that he should have been made to go back, but to face at a minimum his responsibilities to his DC and that means providing for them. It is appalling that he has no legal obligation and a man can legally just walk away from the children he has brought into the world.

What's the point of @throwawaymum2024 stressing herself and using her already depleted headspace, time and energy engaging with a liar?

This lady is the sole parent to 3 very young and traumatised children who were abandoned by their father and saw their other parent go through hell for the last 6 months.

This will have had a profound impact on all 3 childrens attachment and emotional development which may not be apparent right now but will be baked into them.

@throwawaymum2024 can choose at this point to, over the next 6 months to use her already depleted headspace, time and emotional energy to turn her back on this cruel character and focus all she has on the recovery of her DCs from the trauma he inflicted on them all. This is very serious emotional abuse.

There is no version of any explanation that is acceptable for him to be in your lives now - he has proved he is very emotionally cruel and dangerous to you all.

Rise above him. Dont give him the priviledge of your presence.
Cut him off. Focus on divorce, any communication via an email only re divorce.

I think likely OW too. His friend's reactions (lack of) just were not normal. Unless they are complete scumbags, then they would've been checking in at least for the kids. The fact they didn't get in contact smack so they're not wanting to get tripped up and revealing something they shouldn't.

Tell him that you both need to speak without the kids around. Pick neutral territory and talk, really talk until he gives you the answers you want/need, not what he thinks he can get away with.

What did he do about his job, was he hacked up with someone else and it didn't work out etc, get him to have std tests.....

Do not let him back day one because there is nothing saying he won't do it again if he thinks you will just let him back

I wouldn't even bother demanding an explanation. If he doesn't have the decency to give you the respect of an explanation thus placing you in a position where you have to effectively beg for one then this isn't the man for you and you (and dc) deserve a far far better.

Totally agree with this, 👆
But you do only need to see his passport and debit card statements, if you need proof of were he has been the last 6 months,

You can not trust him and never will,
Look after you and children, start divorce, it's on line, gov.uk and send him his documents via parents address, ( as you have no way of contacting him ),
You deserve so much more than this op,

So he quit his job and didn't tell you then disappeared without a word. Now he's back with a vague unbelievable story about where he's been.

It's clear you already know there's a lot more to this and you're right to keep him out of the house and not just let him back in your life. Only you can decide what you want going forward but I'd absolutely insist that he is more open and honest before even speaking to him again.

OW has dumped him. Husband has come crawling back.

he’s clearly been living with her. Also the new clothes, tan and extra weight would all make sense. He clearly hasn’t been to prison.

his mates all know about OW hence the silence

I can't be the only one who finds his behaviour not just enraging but actually quite frightening? To have put the people you are supposed to love through such horrendous trauma and then to not even be sorry for it? It's psychopathic.

You are a warrior queen OP and have been given some great advice on this thread. Sending you strength 💐

Totally agree. Anything he might now say is completely redundant. OP has been amazing and can use her remaining energy on going forward, not wasting it on this utter waste of space. And that includes he is a waste of her headspace.