Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

I can’t believe he would think he could just turn up and actually tell you nothing . I suspect his mother and some friends knew more than they are letting on. If the police found him easily I suspect he may have gone abroad and has been working there casually cash in hand. What he has done is unforgivable, to you and his kids . I’d never be able to trust him again. Frankly I think you need legal advice . Formally register his abandonment, in case he tries for any kind of custody

Personally, I wouldn't have him back and wouldn't have him in the family home. He is married and has children, if he needed to sort himself out that badly and urgently then he should have at the very very least given you a heads up, I mean you might have thought he was dead! Did he think his life just was held in some kind of stasis when he just disappeared??

That his kids wouldn't grieve and be confused then get used to him not being around, that his wife would be so fearful and worried, that his own family wouldn't be filled with anxiety and fear for him?

It's 100% worth hearing him out as you deserve an explanation. It needs to be honest and he needs to show proof of where he's been. He walked out of his life once and he's walked out of another if he's been in one place for 6 months, so where was he?

Having a crisis is a valid reason but it doesn't mean what he did isn't blameless and it doesn't mean he can pick up where he left off, because that family isn't therr anymore. Now it's children who have had to live without their dad inexplicably foer 6months, a wife whose has to shoulder the burden while dealing with the fact her husband has just gone.

I would think long and hard about whether you want him to come back or not. Dont be rushed into anything .Let him stay with his DM for now.Hes got a bloody cheek! Presumably hes left his job? I think it's most likely hes met another woman and came back when it didnt work out.No way would he be in prison without letting you know.The Prison service / Police would have been in touch.Thing is he has left your DC s well .As far as having a breakdown ,if everyone who was stressed did the same there would be no one left!

Obviously this is a horrendous thing to do to all of you, but while adults may fall out of love, it’s his lack of any love or care for his children that is even more shocking. He really has done something that will stay with them forever, it’s so beyond what any caring parent would do.
Was he always somewhat lacking in love for them ? It’s such a weird emptiness of conscience that it’s really hard to imagine he was a lovely man before.
I would be asking my MIl what she knew.
I actually know of a man who did something similar, although his wife did find out a bit more quickly where he was. His children haven’t seen him since, it’s been years now and they are in their twenties.

I would demand a detailed explanation - no half arsed stories. Exact addresses where he stayed - what he did with his days. proof he quit his job etc

My first thought was he'd gone off with someone else and it's all gone tits up and he needs a place to live.

Whatever, he's done it before, he'll do it again, especially if you take him back.

I assume he's lost his job if he had one?

Personally I'd be handing him the divorce papers.

You poor woman.
Do not allow him into your home whatever you do.
Your children will never forget this and the house is their safe place.
He can never be in it again.

Please do inform the schools they attend.
Contact Women's aid for advice and support.

I think you can tell him to go to court to get to see the children first.
Take your time, get advice.
Ask SS for advice on how to handle this with your children.
You need support, to support your children.
This is real trauma for them.
They need protecting from him.
This is shocking emotional abuse of them

His mother clearly knew. Shame on her.

You 100% need to put yourself and your children first.
You can never ever trust him again, so you need to do everything you can to keep him as far away from your future as you can.

Never give him the power to do this again to you or your children.

Make no excuses whatsoever for him.
Do not lie to your children.
Simple plain language in answer to your questions.
Do not make up answers for stuff you cannot answer.

"You have no idea where dad was.
Dad refuses to tell me.
I don't know if Dad is with another woman.
I have no idea.
I love you so much.
I am going nowhere.
I will always be here for you.
We are going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok".

May god forgive him for what he has done, but I certainly never would.

I really wish you strength to go on.

Do you still love him if not there's your answer

@throwawaymum2024 I have now read all your posts but wanted to answer a question you put in the first post. You asked if this had happened to anyone else. It did not happen to me, but it did happen to a work friend. She was living with her BF, no kids and one day he said he had to move out and "sort his head out". And he went. He was back after 6 months as if nothing happened. She kept saying "I really don't know what happened" but he had left her for someone else and when it hadn't worked out, he trotted back to her as the easiest option. They had been together nearly 10 yrs when he left.

So I strongly suspect this is a similar scenario with your DH. What a turd.

Good idea

This for me too. What a cruel cruel man Op. You deserve so much better.

So very cruel to put you and the kids through this...and thought he could just walk back in and not tell you anything?

I've been in a similar place for different reasons (abusive ex) and what allowed me to put an end to the marriage in my head and heart was that I realised I could never, ever trust him or anything he said ever again. It felt like I'd never known him, and that (emotionally or actually) he'd been living a different life to the one I thought we were living together. No relationship worth having can be built or re-built without trust, and whether I wanted him back, or wanted him as a father (of sorts) for the DC, became irrelevant at that point...there just wasn't any foundation to build on, and that's what allowed me to call time.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation, he doesn't deserve you or the kids, take care of yourself xx.

You need to find out about what he has been using for money as a matter of urgency as you are married, so his debts are legally also your debts. At least if you rent he can’t have remortgaged the house/released equity behind your back, but he could have new loans and cards.

What he has done to you and your children is beyond cruel. Knowing how frightened and worried you would have been, not to mention having to cope with no money, completely on your own. And then to waltz back in and still be telling you lies about not having a phone and where he’s been, and expecting you to just accept his return without making a fuss or question him, it’s something a sociopath would do.

I think his mates have known where he was all along. I cannot imagine a situation where a man would disappear and not a single one of his friends would reach out to his wife and child to see what support they needed in the man’s absence. And if he’s claiming he’s been sofa surfing (bollocks has he been sofa surfing), then he’s telling you they did know. Otherwise whose sofas would he have been sleeping on?

I also think his mum has known exactly where he has been. She might not have known right at the start, but if I had a house, I’d bet it that she has known for months. I’m trying to stay calm, I really am. But the idea of MIL coming round asking me to forgive him just makes me feel sick. She might already be planning it Forgive him? I don’t think she’d have the nerve, would she? If she does do that, I’d be inclined to lie and tell her that he told you she’d known where he was and what he was doing. You’ll be able to tell from her reaction if she really did know and then you can tell her to forget worrying about you forgiving him, she needs to start worrying about what you’ll do to her for allowing her grandchildren to go through all that torment, and not saying a word.

I think that the only way your marriage would have had any chance of recovery is if he’d come back and had been completely open and transparent about where he had been, what he had been doing and who he had been with. But he hasn’t. He’s still lying to you. Realistically, the only options I can think of are the mental health breakdown. Prison. An affair. Or he’s been doing something something really, really dodgy that has necessitated him going abroad. If he’d had a breakdown, there’d be no need for the ongoing deception. If he’d been in prison, it would usually be a matter of public record. So that either leaves an affair, or him being an international drug dealer. Going on the balance of probabilities, it’s going to be an affair that hasn’t worked out. Probably with someone from a distance away if he left his job.

The question you need to ask yourself is, does it matter? He put you and your DC through months of torment. He’s not at all sorry and he’s still lying to you. Is there anything at all that he can say to you that you will believe and that will make you feel better? Or at least that will help you understand how he could do that to his wife and children? Now that he’s swanned back in, expecting you to just shut up and not question him, you’re going to have a battle on your hands helping your children come to terms with this and organising custody etc. Do you have the capacity to deal with any more of his bullshit on top of that? I know you want answers, and if you have a family computer and could afford it, I’d be suggesting getting it looked at by a IT person to see what had been deleted from it. But in the absence of that, I wonder whether it might be easier for you to just put it down to him being an exceptionally cruel cheater, so you can focus your energy on you and your children.

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.

OK so we can rule out prison, addiction and mental health crisis if he looks better now/ isn't unkempt and isn't broke.

Did you call him out on being able to see his phone? I would be demanding to see bank statements. I bet the bastard has been swanning around with another woman while you've been bringing up his abandoned kids. Men like that make me sick. Don't take him back, take him to the cleaners xx

My only concern would be getting financial support for your children. You can't ever let this "man" into your home again, he's not stable.

Tell him to get to fuck and block him on everything. Unbelievable! What an entitled ! I can't believe the way that so many men have no regard for their kids.

What a complete head fuck.

I think the mother definitely knew!!! Also the friends too. The silence speaks volumes. Anyone who didn’t know would have reached out to you right away - shock/ surprise and offered support. My dh friends would be in touch in the first week or two. It’s so fishy.

i do think OW or prison are likely things

That would only be true if it were a joint debt (e.g. a joint credit card). As they've been estranged, she cannot be held liable for debts he's run up by himself.

The only thing I would say is he a risk to the children? ( thinking prison) Ask SS for help. I am surprised you have not involved your friends in more of what has being going on, you said you told them bits, why have you not told them everything? You cannot berate him for not being open your not being open with others too, Women’s aid might be of support to you or at least they might be able to direct you to help. You have done nothing wrong but you have to be truthful with those that are around you including your children. If you try to protect them from things they will see that as lying. They need to be able to trust you, that includes you saying you don’t know something.

No, stop scaremongering!

There are very few instances where a married spouse can be equally liable for her husband’s debts such as a tax liability from a business where the spouse is a named owner, a joint mortgage or other credit agreement that the spouse willingly signed up for.

Ordinary loans, credit cards, bank loans taken out in his name only cannot become her debts without her knowledge. If he signed her name to something, then that’s fraud but it still doesn’t make her liable.

It was an OW, she lived further away so he quit his job to move in with her, but she has kicked him out. I've seen this literal situation several times. They all swear there was no-one else. He would have no reason to be so secretive about those mates and sofas if it was really a breakdown and he couldn't cope.

Hi what an awful situation I feel so sorry for you and your poor children you must have been to hell and back. You need answers there is no excuse for just up and leaving whatever the reason.You may take him back but you need to protect yourself and your children as he could do it again if things get tough,so you need to build a life for yourself and children just in case.Good luck and my thoughts and everyone else on mum's net are with you.

Yes, this

But they weren't legally estranged, ie: separated? He was 'just' away for a few months (I appreciate that he had vanished into thin air, not been posted abroad, but their marital status didn't change - especially as he might now claim that he has come back and was just travelling).