Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

Tbh OP from reading only your posts, if you were my d I'd say to you - I wouldn't want him back if I was you and I wouldn't bother talking about what happened either. But I would be talking to a solicitor sooner rather than later.
You have had to cope as a single parent and it might be a struggle do you really want your elusive h back? I wouldn't trust him any furthur than I could throw him.

@throwawaymum2024 come one op this is classic signs of left for another women . 5/6 months later it’s not what he thought . Now he’s returning.
Just wow !
Wether life got to much or there was someone else you can NOT relay on this man.

He can possibly slowly build up your trust to see the children but do not left this man back in your bed your home or your heart.

So when he came back and turned up at the front door, did he leave details of where he was staying and how he could be contacted? And did you ask?

Or has he just done it again by not telling you where he is?

it does sound like there is something funny about the setup, for instance, you have been together (what 10 years?), you’re married, have 3 children, yet you are renting and the property is in your sole name, but he is the main breadwinner?

No real links to friends that you would be regularly in contact with, or who were concerned about him? Little contact with his mother in such a dramatic, strange and desperate circumstances.

It’s like he never really put down roots.

I don’t wish to upset you further OP, but Is there any chance he could be a bigamist? Could he have another family somewhere?

Before he left, did he used to go away for periods of time, perhaps for work?

They shouldn't have the right to force him to go home, or say where he was. They should have the power to force him to pay for his children in absentia.

It absolutely should be a crime to financially abandon your children, other countries manage to understand this, but we seem to think its all the responsibility of the parent who stuck around.

God OP I'm so so sorry. TBH I feel it would have been better for your children (and you) if he'd died back in January. I'd tell him that to his face - he needs to hear it.

That he could be so cruel is heartbreaking for you all.

I think his Mum and Friends all knew where he was. He and all of them are absolute Bastards.

If he demands access to your children I'd make him take it to Court so you can tell the Judge exactly what he's done to his poor children - and may do again.

I would say he is not a super spy and been off on a secret mission. I expect he wishes he had thought of using this excuse.

Mental health is an excuse people often use as they feel you can’t argue against it and I think that’s the case here.

He looks far too healthy for someone who has been in crisis, sofa surfing with no money or job. Plus any good friends would have contacted you to let you know he was there and safe.

He will have been living with another woman.

Op, remember how amazing you are.

You got through this horrendous time, supported your dcs, you were their rock.

Please recognise your strength and power.

Your h is a spineless, selfish, self indulgent twat.

He is not worthy of you or your dcs.

I know perhaps you feel a speck of relief. He's alive. He's safe. Perhaps he can start helping and being part of the family

But why should he have that privilege of being allowed back into your lives? He threw you all away. He can do it again very easily. Mental health issues or not. He's a toe rag.

Onwards!!

Get some advice about reintroducing him to kids (if at all!) GP maybe? Their little brains will be scrambled.
Tell landlord / HA you've had keys stolen and need to change locks.

Things have gone wrong with his side piece and now he’s trying to act like nothings happened. The cheek of it

fascinating but crazy story. He vanishes for months,seemingly gives up work and nothing. Then turns up, half assed stories about couch surfing, mh issues etc no phone (but there is apparently). he isnt an International man of Mystery, he may have had a secret lottery win and had months off somewhere and now the money has run out. Another woman seems likely and occasionally we see stories of men who live a double life with other families. if he has been with another woman is there another child (on the way?). best solution? In the bin with it all. he is never going to give the full story because there is no way back? Lottery win? I spent it in Cancun. OW? yes but she kicked me out. MH breakdown? was in the priory or a retreat somewhere? he's not going to say. is in a job now? Someone knew where he was if he was staying with them.

I would work on the basis that I couldn't trust him 1 inch and I wouldn't believe one word that came out of his mouth. I wouldn't trust his mother either. I think it's guilt that kept her away from you.

This, absolutely.
The cruelty of what he did to his own little children. And you @throwawaymum2024

I think I'd have to spell it out for him tbh. He abandoned you and his children, his kids thought he was dead. They have trauma and poor mental health because of him. He does not get to just walk back into their lives, parents don't get to just opt out for a few months! Then he doesn't even have the decency to explain himself?! Fuck of!!!

I'd be telling him to give me a very detailed account of the last 6 months if he ever wants to see his kids again and he better be paying for the divorce. The trust has gone, he doesn't get to just come back after messing with his kids heads like this. He's a pathetic excuse for a husband and father and I'd be telling him so.

Your MIL and your husband's friends are knee deep in this mess. If they were all in the same position as you, having no idea where he was and whether he was safe, they would have been contacting you regularly for updates, to see whether you had heard anything. They would all be sick with worry like you were.

If one of my adult sons did this, I would be distraught and badgering the police for information. I would provide whatever financial support I could afford and would offer to help with the kids. I wouldn't ignore them for six months.

They are all complicit and you can't trust any of them. I would be finished with MIL for her lack of support alone.

What an absolute selfish scumbag. Allowing you and DC to endure irrepairable mental torture for 6 months. No reasoni mental health or otherwise can excuse that kind of behaviour. And to return with a blase attitude like it's no big deal, what a complete coward.

OP you're an absolute superhero for how you've handled things.

Completely agree. Police should be empowered to feckin' arrest anyone who abandons their kids to the other parent and doesn't pay child support.

This.

I thought you were dead. The kids thought you were dead.
I cried for months. The kids cried for months.
They are damaged forever because of you. this trauma will never leave them.
Then you turn up with no explanation and expect to walk back into our lives.
How can you think there is any way back from this? Especially when do you dont even have the decency to say a meaningless sorry.

Personally I'd file my CMS claim today and never speak to him again unless it was in court.

I also agree with others that your MIL is weak and lacking in ethics she knew about some or all of this and did nothing to help ease her grandchildrens pain. And if she came round knocking on my door, disturbing my peace, begging on his behalf I'd let her have it both barrells and tell her exactly what I thought of her and her sons shameful behaviour

You are a warrior for handling this.

This! Dont let him back into the house op. He isnt even sorry for what hes done to you, so sorting himself clearly didn't work as he claims. Tell him to go back to sorting himself out till it works.

Hard no to any return from me, how would you ever trust him again? Think of the worry every time he's late because he got caught in traffic with a dead phone battery.

Great post @thepariscrimefiles

I can’t believe your mil did not help you financially (she must have known the real story otherwise she would be frantic with worry ) and your sister just helped intermittently @throwawaymum2024
Are your parents alive and if so did they help ?
Has your husband siblings, your children cousins on that side of the family ?

In your posts you suggest that you aren’t coping, that it’s hard, it’s just you and that he has come back and scrambled your brain. That you feel vulnerable.

That’s not what I read though.

You are much stronger than you think. He
left you in the lurch, and financially vulnerable and you have sorted yourself out. He’s been gone 6 months, and in that time you have done the hard yards. You would’ve been going onwards and upwards had he not resurfaced.

He’s a liar. His mum is in on it, maybe a few of his friends. YOU DON’T NEED THEM in your life. He will never give you the full truth, and he’s gaslighting you. “Honey I’m home. Isn’t it wonderful. What, you aren’t pleased to see me? What’s up with you? You are ruining it for everyone. You are selfish and you are upsetting the DC”. He’s a gaslighting man-twat.

The truth is, you don’t need him. What’s he going to do. Get a good job, pay the bills, help with the DC? Or, is he going to be a cocklodger with you running round after him like R2-f*cking-D2 doing the “pick me dance”, please don’t leave us again. It’ll be the first thing you think about in the morning, and last thing at night. In between every time he goes the shops you’ll be on tender hooks till he comes back.

YOU need some help getting through this. Go to your GP and ask for counselling. Ask your family and friends to help you. If MIL contacts you, tell her you want the truth from her or you are done with her.

He either won money and spent it, or shacked up and now it’s over. Either way he’s looking for a warm bed and a hot dinner. He doesn’t care about you or your DC.

Tell him you aren’t interested, you don’t want to see or talk to him. Tell him you’ve moved on, and as far as you are concerned he’s not part of your life anymore. Call up some solicitors for free advice. Divorce him ASAP.

We already have civil court mechanisms, as imperfect as they are. Arrest does not = prosecution either. You can't just lock someone up because they're a shit. There would have to be a crime that CPS would have a chance of successfully prosecuting someone for and is therefore a reasonable use of public funds. We know how weaselly these men can be about squirrelling money away, pretending they don't have any, etc, using MH as a defence. Would be very difficult to prove in court in practice.

Doesn't mean they aren't complete shits for doing it, but there are reasons we don't apply criminal law to it here.

Can OP say she wants backdated child maintenance, and in a financial disclosure in divorce proceeding find out what’s been going on in his accounts?

Also WRT MIL, I’d be reading my son the riot act and not enabling him.

Also, he’s back. Will letting him stay affect UC and council tax? Can OP now put in a child maintenance claim?

Hmm, I bet once he finds he’s not welcome, and he has to pay, he will scuttle back to the bog he’s been hiding in.

Next time he texts say “ we need to talk about money. You need to start paying your share towards YOUR children”.

It makes me so sad that a dad would actually do this. OP you sound like a wonderful mum holding things together for small children who are no doubt very confused! You seem to be doing everything right. Don’t let him back in. If it were me (but you obviously know your relationship better than anyone) I wouldn’t be able to forgive this, I would always worry that if he did it before he would do it again. I absolutely would want to know the truth though as to where he was all that time, it doesn’t sound like he’s being truthful. You will get through this if you leave him, you are stronger than you know, as you have been for the months he has been missing. The worry/fear and disbelief he put you through is unforgivable, then turning up like nothing had happened!! No one deserves to be treated like this. I hope you get the answers you need x