Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

Doesn't it just speak to the content of not just his character, but MIL and his friends, that they knew he'd abandoned you without a penny and didn't check in? If they didn't know where he was then they're utterly uncaring, but on balance I'd say they did and they didn't have the guts to do the right thing.

And as for the police not being able to say anything beyond "safe and well"? It's just appalling that a man can legally walk away from three children (never mind his wife!) and have no responsibilities to them.

This is almost certainly an OW situation, and he's chosen to do it this way so that he had no ties, emotional or financial, to his past life. He walked away as though his children didnt exist and I just could not forgive that.

Honestly, I would just file for divorce use his moms address because she clearly knows where he is if he wants to know why tell him now you know for certain he is alive he can fuck off back to where he has been

Also if the lease is solely in your name yes you can change the locks

What an awful man. I admire your strength op, you've done amazingly well without him by the sounds of it, you've been a rock for your kids. Please don't let him back into your lives, the children (and you I imagine) are traumatised by what he's done and he could never be trusted not to do it again. Such a cold and heartless thing to do.
I'm going with affair also, and his mum and friends knowing too. It just all adds up especially with him being cagey about everything.

Can I just say as well, not sure if anyone else has mentioned and I'm happy to be corrected if the law has changed, but when my eldest was in primary school, I asked the teacher not to let DC dad pick them up and was told if he's on the birth certificate, and he hasn't been officially told he can't be around his DC then he would be able to pick them up and take them without my consent, and if I didn't want him to pick them up I'd have to get there earlier than him basically.
Sorry don't want to scare you, but it's best you're aware before he tries any funny business.

Good grief OP, what an utter shock. I completely admire your strength. You’ve done amazing keeping life going for you and your kids. Trust is gone though. He can’t just come back from whatever or wherever he’s been. How you unpick all of this is really difficult, even if it can be. Good luck.

This absolutely

Just wanted to say I admire you keeping it all together while he was off wherever. Don’t forget you did all that, you were the strong one.

I've nothing to add other than you are being amazing OP. You are being so strong and really putting your DC first. Well done.
I hope you get answers so you get closure but honestly you're better off without him

Many years ago, I found out the worst possible way that my then partner was being investigated for rape. That same day it transpired my MIL knew and the investigation had already been going on for about 2 years.

Some MIL’s will always defend their sons, even above their grandchildren.

Tell him he won’t see the kids without showing you his passport and his bank statements from January. That’ll tell you more than he will. If he refuses, get straight up and walk out.

Isn’t there a list partners are allow to see if they think the person they are on a list for rape etc?

I can’t recommend enough asking for his explanation and in fact, making all communication in writing. I had a similar sort of betrayal with my mum, completely out of the blue. If you had told me a week before what she was about to do, I actually would have laughed. It was so shocking and out of character (though I’ve since learned it’s very much in character and everything before was probably more of an act).

Anyway, get it all in writing so you can read it back. You will be gaslit into ‘I didn’t say that’ or ‘You’re imagining that’ or ‘You said x’ (when you actually said the opposite). You will need to read to back to make sure you aren’t going crazy. He will make you feel like the crazy one.

Years on now, whenever I start to doubt what really happened, or when she tries to make contact to say it was never like I thought, I can literally pull up that bit of the conversation in writing and prove exactly what was said. I can’t say what a difference it’s made. I would have completely doubted my sanity otherwise.

What is there to say other than 'Can I have your new address, my solicitor will need it for the divorce'?

Unfortunately, contact with children can't be contingent on money. I agree he should be doing this morally, and compensating for the 6 months he didn't contribute, but legally the two are treated separately. I would definitely advise against making anything dependent on money, as he could use it against OP later. Who knows what this type of man could stoop to.

They are unlikely to want to see him though, and if she says 'I can't rely on you not disappearing with them, you'll have to take me to court for access' he probably won't bother.

The lack of remorse would be making me entirely stabby

I cannot imagine the trauma you and your DCS have experienced it is the cruelest behaviour. He probably thought that he was being very clever and that he would be able to talk you round if whatever he did didn't work out.
He is the lowest of the low, and can never ever be trusted or anything he says believed.
You and the DCS must protect yourselves from this devious snake.

And as for the police not being able to say anything beyond "safe and well"? It's just appalling that a man can legally walk away from three children (never mind his wife!) and have no responsibilities to them.

Unfortunately they would see it as a domestic issue. What OP's husband has done is morally appalling, but no crime has been committed, people actually do have a legal right to go missing and not want to be found. The police don't know the circumstances, someone may not want to be found because they've fled abuse. Not the case here, but can you imagine if the police were allowed to give the whereabouts of a missing woman who had left a violent husband?

None of that is to say what OP's husband has done is right. It's disgraceful. It's just explaining why the police legally can't drag an unwilling, irresponsible husband by the ear back to his wife and children, if he doesn't want to be there. They may well have spoken to him and advised him to contact his family to spare them worry and pain, but they wouldn't have been able to force it.

Though you have had many posts of advice and sympathy, I just need to add mine. @throwawaymum2024 you are so strong! You have weathered a storm few have to weather and come out of it all so well.

I agree with the others here who have said that his family and friends knew where he was. If they did not, they would have been in communication with you so often it would have driven you nuts. Yet, they did not.

Do you have family nearby or somewhere else? Friends farther away? Personally, you have dealt with it all for five full months, so you know you can do it. I would look into moving close to friends of yours or family.

I would never trust your AHWH (AzzHoleWorthlessHusband) again. Or his friends and family. Please speak to a solicitor and get advice on how to protect yourself and your children and to end the marriage. He really isn't worth keeping, and I really doubt if you will ever get the real truth out of him. He'll spin stories until he tells you one that you might believe. Someone couch-surfing isn't going to look all pressed, tan and together. It's stressful and uncomfortable. He has lied about the phone and where he has been and others went along with it.

Stay strong and know you have a legion here on MN willing to listen and offer support, understanding and caring. We are also willing to share your anger and sadness. You got this! {{HUGS}}

I would definitely secretly record your meetings, so that the story could not be changed later.

Does he still have his car, if not, is there a way to trace where is has been sold?

That’s a good idea op. You can listen to the recording afterwards and be more measured about assessing whether what you are being told is any way close to the truth.

Gosh I'm so sorry. I wouldn't even entertain going back. I'd write a very long letter detailing the impact of what he did and give it to him and suggest he goes and speaks to a counsellor. Its not for you to try and make sense of it - it's for him to explain it.

If he's able to be completely honest about his motives and understand the impact then possibly that will help - but you are under no obligation to take him back.

Sounds like either: a mental breakdown and he's been sectioned, or he buggered off with another woman abroad somewhere.

He's a scumbag for just disappearing.
I'm so very sorry you are going through this.
The fact that he hasn't even apologised is just plain cruel on top of an already shit sandwich.
He has the audacity to swan back like everything is hunky dory. Yuk.

I hope you and your children are okay.
I hope you get any answers that you need.
I hope that today is a bit better 🙏
Hugs to you 🫂

You need to apply for CM now you know he is alive and well and capable of looking after himself. And start divorce proceedings.

Never take him back. He will do this again whenever he wants a break or another woman if there are no consequences. If you make it clear the relationship is over regardless of the circumstances he may be more inclined to explain properly. Tell him without a full explanation he can’t see the children as they are too traumatised.

Be clear that having affair will not stop him seeing his children (on your terms) but not giving you the truth will as without knowledge of what happened you can’t be sure it won’t happen again and they need protecting.

How are you contacting him if he’s not got a phone? If he remains vague I would tell him he is blocked and when he is ready for a full explanation his mother can contact you on his behalf.

Take back control. You hold the cards. He wants back in your lives. You don’t have to agree. He’s got no rights to your home. The money would need to be sorted in a divorce. If he wants to see the children he would have to go to court and assume he would need to provide evidence as to why he abandoned them to get access. You are offering him that chance for free.

He doesn’t deserve to be in you or your kids life’s. Disappearing and abandoning you all in every sense is unforgivable and to come back and not be honest and open about where he’s been makes it even worse.

sounds like his mates knew hence why not really in touch with you. Decent caring men / women would be reaching out and offering support in such awful circumstances.

I assume legally you’ll have to give him access to the kids? What happens if he does this again?

If he, your MIL, his friends or anyone else tries to persuade you to forgive him and let him back, you just talk about the children. Adults have issues between them but children are innocent and he abandoned them without explanation or thought for their wellbeing. It is unforgivable and what kind of mother would you be if you gave him the chance to do it to them again. That will shut them up.