Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

Leaving at new year, is indicative of an ultimatum from the OW but to not say anything and abandon you and the kids is awful.

He's not being honest and neither are his friends. They probably knew where he was.

He's giving vague responses... this is not a marriage you can ever feel safe in.

He abandoned his kids, so he does get to waltze back in to their lives like this. He hasn't apologised or explained anything.

In some ways, I think he must have mental health issues going on, because why else would he assume he could pick up where he left.

You must have thought you saw a ghost.

I think this is a lot of readers first thought, coming back with a tan doesn’t suggest to me that this man was having a tough time mentally while away.

Yeah it doesn’t add up. I smell an OW.

He wasn’t missing he was hiding from you and your children. Do not take this prick back, there could be another woman due to the fact he was so secretive and also lied about not having a phone. Just bin him and divorce him.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you op.
It’s the cruelest thing that could happen to anyone. To have someone you love seemingly walk off the face of the earth without a trace or message of some kind to let you know that they’re ok must have been pure torture for you.

Even if he had left just one message saying that he was safe but needed some time out to try and deal with a few things would have been better than saying nothing, leaving you to imagine horrendous scenarios.

I have no advice different to others. I agree with everyone who says you can never trust him 100% again.
you would be thinking allsorts if he was ever late home. You would never be able to relax.

He owes you and your dc the truth and don’t agree to anything until you get it.

You’ve been through the mill over the last five months trying to hold things together for yourself and your dear dc. Don’t let him pull the wool over your eyes for a minute longer.

Take your time and don’t rush back into anything. He’s made you wait all this time and you didn’t have a clue what was happening, well now it’s his turn to wait and be unsure of what’s going on. You owe him nothing and he can’t expect to Walz back in as if nothing has happened.

I really hope you can resolve this op whichever way you decide.

My heart goes out to you for being treated in such a cold, cruel, selfish way.

You seem like a lovely lady. Take care.

Sorry, but I can’t quite get over the fact that mil only contacted you a few times. Surely, if you knew your son was missing, you’d unite as a team to find him? Or at least check regularly with each other to see if there were any updates.

What was your relationship with her before all this happened? Makes me think even more that she knew something.

If she did, I get that she is putting her son first, and supporting him, as parents do, but makes it doubly horrible for you.

A very similar thing happened to my friend. Let’s call her Emma and him Mike.
Emma and Mike were happily married - or so it seemed. House with a mortgage, toddler who was about to turn 3. Then he disappeared. Took some, but not all of his things. Went to work one morning, didn’t come back.
She called the Police, as he also was no longer at his job. Police came back within 48 hours to say they had located him, he was safe and well and that was the end of their involvement. Mike’s Mum and Dad had no idea where he was either, and they were all so puzzled.
6 months later he reappears. He claims he has been to Dubai. Mental breakdown, and needed to get away.
Emma, foolishly with hindsight, let him back in. Their son was happy. It all seemed ok for 18 months. Then Emma fell pregnant. They both wanted another child. He did the same thing again. Went to work, she was 8 months pregnant, he never came home. No word of where he was going etc, same thing, she called Police, reported him missing, they came back with safe and well.
Emma bitterly regrets letting him back into her life, and trusting him. She heard from him 16 months after their daughter was born. He was “back in the country” and wanted to come home. When she said no, he said was going for 50:50 access to his children. Cheeky Fucker. Went to mediation and he had some supervised visits then it dropped off and they divorced. She has no idea where he is now. He never sees the children, they don’t see his parents either as they cut contact with Emma. She does not know if he was even in Dubai, it is possible he was in prison but she didn’t find out anything. He had no friends to ask. His brother was on Emma’s side until the divorce.
Hope Mike is not the same guy as OP’s husband.

How many women have wanted to disappear but just can’t? He made his choice, you’ve moved on and don’t have space for a man child.

💯
@throwawaymum2024 and her childten were the only ones who didn't know. Everyone else knew exactly what was going on. Everyone.

I would honestly be leaning towards him having an affair that hasn’t worked out and he’s now returned thinking life will go back to normal.

I’m sorry your MIL seems to have been complicit. You and your children do not deserve to be treated this way. To just leave without any concern for how you would manage financially is disgraceful. For all he knew, you could have lost your home and be homeless.

Please don’t forgive this man. He is very clearly not sorry for what he did as he would have returned in a very different manner if he was. If he had return and apologised profusely and told you everything, I think I would have different advice but he doesn’t care about the impact his actions have had on you and your children.

To add…well done! You managed to keep life going, a roof over your children’s heads and stay strong. Never underestimate how amazing you are for that 😘😘

What work does he do?

I know you said he blocked you on everything, but did you try to contact him at his place of work? What about friends? There must have been some avenues you would have been able to pursue. When the police said there was nothing they could do because he left voluntarily, how did they know that, and where did they go to meet him?

This man has not been in prison and is not mentally ill
He has been having an affair . His family and some friends are aware
The OW has decided that she doesn’t want to be stuck with him 24/7 and has sent him back to his wife
Do not ever let this man back into your family home .What he did was unforgivable .
You have managed without him all this time which shows that you do not need him
I honestly can’t believe how callous some people can be
Divorce this man , it will be the best thing you have ever done for yourself and your dcs .

She says his work said he was no longer employed there, and police wouldn’t tell her any more than that - she can’t make them?! I’m sure she tried any friends, seriously!!

Further up the thread the OP mentions she contacted his work and friends

I’m a police officer and when we locate an adult that has been reported missing and they say they don’t want their family to know where they are all we can go back with is that the person is safe and well but unfortunately we can’t give further details as they’re an adult

It is good that you haven’t let him see the kids .yet. This could traumatise them
I wouldn’t trust your Mil tbh and therefore wouldn’t get into any kind of discussion with her at the moment unless she is willing to provide information about where her son has been .

The nerve of him. Please don’t let him back into your life.

I wonder if your sister can have the dc for the day op, and you have can have a whole day off. You sound so tired and drained. I feel like someone needs to be looking after you at this point, you have been through so much worry and stress.

Your updates confirm to me that most people knew. They may not have wanted to get involved beyond the police assurance he was safe and well, but they knew. The police will have traced his car.

They have all stood back, and allowed this to happen, complicit in his lies and abandonment. Their lack of contact and calm reaction to his return is damning.

You need to now put yourself first. Literally front and centre. He needs to transfer some money as much as possible to clear all of the debts you have incurred. CMS can back date if we won’t do it willingly. If you ask the GP the NHS is now offering free counselling, this would help you process everything.

it is an enormous betrayal at best.

I would personally be ready for him to say he couldn’t cope with the strain of family life. Know how to respond in advance to this.

He might blame a lack of intimacy, attention, too tired to carry on etc. Remember even if that’s true, he could have let his own children know he needed a holiday rather than walking out on them without a word for six months, and turning their world upside down. It’s cruel.

I hope you have real life support op, we are here too. Allow the shock to wear off. Have a bath. A good breakfast. A walk. Take care of you for a bit in the sane way you would if it was your dd going through this. 💐

What kind of background do you have that your mind jumps to prison? I'd assume he was living it up with a woman he'd met and thought was worth it or had had a mental breakdown maybe but prison wouldn't enter my head.

Can we stop suggesting this man has a mental illness? He doesn’t. And even if he did, who cares?

Mental illness isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card to abandon your family without a word and to then walk back in six months later as if nothing has happened.

And what about the suntan? Are we to believe he had to escape abroad in the name of his mental health? Bollocks.

OP I wouldn’t be letting him anywhere near you or your children. I would change the locks, and I would be applying for a restraining order to keep him away from the children especially. He can’t be trusted.

Personally, I would move somewhere you don’t know anyone. Everyone else has been complicit in this. It’s fairly obvious from your updates, or they too would have wanted answers and they don’t.

You really need to rtft. It's all covered. See OP's posts.

Given he does not own the house or lease it, I too would change the locks. Inform the school, and after school clubs that neither he or his mother (or other family members) can collect the children due to safe guarding concerns around his mental health and ability to care for them safely.

I am shocked his mother didn’t do more to help in the last few months op. I would be pausing all communication with her too.

You need to know the whole truth. You can then start to consider once you know - what steps to take next. Legal advice would be useful.

He is not mentally ill. He has not had a breakdown. He had chosen with full capacity to walk away. He got through Christmas last year and then waked out, without a word. Shocking and so harmful. Nothing can justify that decision.

"He didn't send a single penny" and you didn't slam the door in his fucking face! The bastard. You could have been ill, your kids could have had an accident or been ill and their Dad has been off chilling "here and there".

Well done you for surviving. Bill him for the fucking child maintenance and his share of all expenses for the time he was away and then tell him to enjoy the rest of his life and fuck off back to wherever he came from.

What a bastard thinking he could just rock up and you would make him welcome. Your children must be so confused. Have you made plans to meet him yet?

How dare he reintroduce himself back into your life the way he did.

Just a big “hurrah” look I’m here?

No contact first, before landing himself in front of you and the children?

Sadly I think you are never going to know fully what has gone on, and it sounds like he roped his mum and friends into his lies. He was cagey about money before he buggered off, and you are getting the sense that he’s still lying to you now. I think he’s a narcissist & a fantasist, personally. He’s got a lot of problems, just not in the way that’s being discussed. You are seeing him for who he really is now. Protect your kids, get them some therapy if you can, see a solicitor and file for divorce. I’d consider moving too, and get a fresh start for you all. I think you are amazing, a warrior, a very strong woman who has been under incredible strain but coping well under the circumstances. Stay strong @throwawaymum2024.