Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

I'm so sorry, OP. Reading your updates it's clear his friends knew where he was or they would have been worried about him. I would keep him very much at arm's length - this isn't a man you can trust in any way now. I am so angry on your behalf. You have survived the last six months and deserve huge congratulations for your strength. Keep going and leave him far behind.

If he really gave a shit he'd have written to you, not just showed up. I mean a proper letter. He couldn't text or call you because he has a new phone and didn't think to put numbers in it.

He must know how cruel he has been to the children. That is unforgivable and your priority is this. If you have time, do some research on what to say and how to handle then think what's best for the kids. I'd probably say he worked abroad and travelled a lot, and gently get them used to the idea he comes and goes and it's too disruptive, waiting around. They will get that and agree with you.

Imo he stayed to give you all one last Christmas together, then fucked off with an ow. Esp as he took his car. And from what you say, just been on holiday.

Now, you can worry and stress about why and what or you can cut out all the drama and stress. How are you supposed to contact him? If you don't know, then don't let him in when he comes round. He could still be living with the ow whilst he sorts out being back with you. She might not have known he was even married with kids. Or did but really, you'll go mad trying to understand it, because you can't.

Don't rush into anything, don't let him come round when he feels like it, change the locks, and don't see him on your own. Take someone with you whom has been supporting you, a sensible friend, and always in public, perhaps a coffee shop. No kids.

Probably wouldn't rush to divorce, because then he can fuck you about with taking the kids weekends / no idea where or who with. Then not turning up.

He has money, clearly, he can put petrol in his car, pay for it. He has a phone he won't tell you about. This is not a man to trust anymore, or to build a future with anymore. And you aren't the loving trusting wife anymore, and his kids don't trust and rely on him either. What did he think was going to happen?

So, what do you want? Take your time. No rush. He'll want you to rush.

@throwawaymum2024 absolutely livid on your behalf!! I dont know how a mil could keep that secret from her grandchildren when she saw them breaking their hearts. aiding and abetting comes to mind. she was just looking out for herself and her son. go to her house tomorrow without the kids if you can get a babysitter. look through the rooms. you will know which is hers. If you find evidence of her having prior knowledge of him and his whereabouts or that he was staying at hers at all, then I would consider cutting her out of your kids lives!! she has helped inflict untold damage on your kids and that is unforgivable!

My goodness, this would be the moment that I smacked him in the mouth and told him to fuck off.

You have been incredibly forebearing and he needs to acknowledge that. His behaviour has been disgusting and the fact that he thinks that you will simply slot back in to the every day is ridiculous.

Just don't do it.

Wrong thread! I suspect like me you have been commenting on both this one and the somersby one.

I’m gobsmacked that your H is treating you like this. It doesn’t matter if he was having a mental health crisis or meltdown, an affair or a prison stretch, he cannot just waltz back in and expect no questions to be asked or answered, or for life to return to the way it was before he walked out.

I’m so angry for you and for your poor children.

I think you are absolutely right not to let him back home. You certainly deserve answers and profuse apologies at the very least - and I’d be thinking seriously about divorcing this man who thinks so little of you and your children.

He's a fucking monster OP, could you even imagine abandoning your children for 6 months, damaging their mental health, your littlest not even remembering their parent as a quarter of their life has had a gap. And not just that, leaving them and their mother without a penny or a note. You could have been made homeless.

How fucking dare he turn up on your doorstep well dressed tanned and fed as if nothing has happened. I hope you take him to the cleaners. Sending strength OP Xx

OP your H has caused you and particularly your children a serious, significant trauma. He isn't even repentant. Please be so careful moving forwards that you hold onto how serious his actions are, and have support with you if possible to help you process and respond to things.

Yes I have i realised straight after I posted. Did report straight away but still not deleted.

Either an affair or drug problem tell him to get lost he will do this again if you let him treat you like that. Don’t let him do this to your kids!

The fact he turned up and put your children through that trauma rather than contacting you first shows he’s utterly thoughtless

Ask for everything in chronological order. When he opted to leave you and his job. Why. Who he told. How long in advance. Where did he go NYE? See? Contact? Pay for living? Why didn’t he send cash home?

Totally agree. This type of behaviour should be a crime.

Disgusting that the law is made in a way that the police weren't able to tell you more.

So sorry OP. I'd be looking to divorce him irrespective of whatever he says at this point.

Please take good care of you and your kids. X

You’re right. I can’t do this from a place of anger, but it’s hard not to be when he just gets to wander back in after everything and act like it was nothing. I don’t even know if he thinks he’s done anything wrong.

I haven’t let him back in the house. I’ve kept everything civil but distant. Haven’t even let him see the kids yet – I said not until I get the truth. Full stop. If that never comes, then he doesn’t see them. I mean that.

I’m trying to stay calm, I really am. But the idea of MIL coming round asking me to forgive him just makes me feel sick. She might already be planning it.

I’m writing everything down now – what I want, what I don’t want, what I need to protect the kids. I’m not rushing. Just trying to keep the next step small and steady.

My dad did this repeatedly when I was a kid - it was various of drugs/prison/breakdown/general inability to cope with life. I think you’d know if it was drugs or prison. I really hope your DP’s mum didn’t know what had happened, but it’s quite hard to imagine. The work thing is very weird as well. So sorry for you, OP, it’s unbelievable that he doesn’t seem to recognise what he put you all through.

OP do you have family or friends you can share this burden with right now? Sorting out all this on your own is huge, and you're still really in the trauma of him leaving in the first place. Of course, we're all here for you regardless.

yeah it’s the not knowing that’s breaking my brain now. feels like I’ve had to hold everything up for so long that now I’m just running on fumes. he’s home and I still don’t feel any better. it’s just worse in a different way.

I don’t think it’s drugs. I’d know. or prison tbh. he seems too…comfortable? Like not shaken in the way you’d expect. no signs of detox, no fear or shame like someone who’d been locked up. just vague and blank.

I’ve got a couple of close friends who know bits. my sister’s been checking in when she can. but yeah mostly it’s just me. I’m tired. I’ll be okay, but right now I’m just trying to keep steady for the DCs. they don’t deserve any more chaos.

What he did was so cruel, not only to you but your children!
I wouldn’t want to talk to him, whatever he says, you’d need to check to see if it were the truth.
You know now he not dead in a ditch somewhere and he didn’t care about the trauma you’d all go through with him disappearing. I’d change the locks and get the ball rolling for divorce.
Why give him more head space? He’s not worth it and you’re too tired after six months of keeping afloat and being strong for the children. You tell the children the truth, I don’t know where dad has been but I won’t ever leave you.

Would he have been seeing someone else and moved in with them?

Bloody hell what a nightmare OP.

It sounds to me like a new life abroad with a new woman that didn’t work out, which would explain quitting the job, gaining a bit of weight and having a tan. Probably someone he met online who gave him a deadline of New Year to leave his wife, hence the timing.

There’s no way on earth I’d take him back after that. I’d facilitate him seeing the kids but that would be it.

Hi, I’ve come into this thread very late, but reading some of the comments, I wonder if your MIL did know, but disliked intensely being piggy in the middle. I also wonder if it was her who encouraged him to front up at your place. All major supposition of course.

‘’I’m so very sorry for the months of difficulty you have experienced. And then he simply rocks up expecting a ‘how was your day dear’…..I don’t think so!
For me (& it’s not), it would come down to trust. Trust and the well being of yourself and your children. Good luck, you do well to proceed with great caution.

I don’t think I could even talk to him until he’s sent money and set up a direct debit.
‘I am a single mum who’s been struggling to keep everything going for our traumatised and bereaved kids while in shock myself. Our kids are now even more traumatised and I’m trying to support them. I can’t even find the headspace to talk to you unless you show some commitment to our kids and send some money to cover the debts I’m in from keeping our family afloat. Please don’t contact me unless you’ve sent a substantial amount and set up a direct debit and sent me evidence.’

This must have been so hard for you and your children. I've no idea how a person could do that to their family.
You've done brilliantly, goodness knows how, I admire your strength and resilience.
You owe him nothing, so no contact until he tells you the whole truth, with every detail. Best wishes to you and your children

OP, do you have a good relationship with your mom or siblings? Or do you have a close BFF? If yes, is any of them in a position to come and stay for a week or two?

You've just had a huge shock. I agree with all the posters saying don't do anything rash.

Get some space. Get some help. Sit down and figure out what you are going to do next because what he has done to you and your kids is utterly awful. Sadly, he is not a life partner you can depend on. And as hard as it is, you need to protect your 3 DC and yourself starting now.

Take care OP and wishing you the best.

I was thinking the same thing and she chucked him out. Now wants the op back.

@throwawaymum2024 Stay strong and be diplomatic with him. Until you get all the facts don't trust him. I am sorry if I read wrong but did you say you haven't seen his mum in months? She's still a grandmother that hasn't changed. I think you're right not to trust her either.