Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

yeah no one got in touch. no one asked how I was or the kids or if I’d heard anything. I don’t even know how many people actually knew he was gone tbh. I told his work and a few mates and his mum but beyond that it’s hard to say. feels like if anyone did know they just kept quiet

I don’t know if I’d believe him now even if he gave me a straight answer. too much has happened. I keep going back and forth. part of me wants to know so bad and part of me thinks even if he told me I’d still always doubt it. I’m just so tired of feeling like this.

Just wanted to send my support to you, like others have said you’ve done an amazing job keeping a roof over your head and everyone fed and at school etc.

If his mum knew I’d definitely put some distance between you and her. You deserve answers. Take care and I wish you well x

I'm absolutely sure I could never trust him again!

Tell him to get the fuck out of your house.

The problem is, whatever he says now, whatever the reasons were, how will you able to trust that he won't do it again?

If it was me the walls would have gone up out of self preservation and I don't think there'd be any going back.

This and only this.

You can change the locks- just tell your landlord the reason via email so they know.

Hes Not on the lease. Get him OUT.

I don’t think I would be willing to hear him out unless it came with his phone, bank statements and receipts of where on earth he’s been staying. I would say I’m a forgiving person, but abandoning your children like that is pretty close to unforgivable.

This reeks of OW all over it. For whatever reason it didn’t pan out and even more bizarrely, he thought he could just… come back? Men are truly something else.

I can’t believ that none of his friends contacted you or checked in to see if you are okay. To me that implies that they knew where he was. And if they did, I’m sure his family did too.

personally I wouldn’t even entertain speaking to him without a full explanation with proof as to where he had been. Contact with the children again would be gradual and supervised. I wouldn’t trust him not to leave again with the children.

divorce the bastard

Tell him to fuck off forever and get the ball rolling for a divorce. He’s a total C U Next Tuesday.

I think his mates knew exactly what was going on. If he was missing they’d have been concerned and would have been checking in with you for updates.

Agreed.

Dont look to put a tracker on his car it's illegal.

You have been blindsided here @throwawaymum2024 - you and your DCs have been through the most incredible trauma. You have held your family together. Your head must be scrambled and you must be exhausted. It will all come out in time ..... but at this difficult time I would circle the waggons and protect your head and heart and your DCs.

You have depleted energy, headspace and time as a working single parent. Use these finite resources to protect yourself and support your DCs. Do everything that supports their emotional well-being - work and your own pace. Take professional advice for your DCs. Dont trust his DM or his friends (or write them off just yet) - dont squander your limited energy on a wild goose chase after his lies - what will that achieve - your DCs family life is still shattered. Protect that dont let him do anymore damage.

You might well emotionally collapse or struggle in the coming months - so shore up your energy and get support from family and friends if you can. Take this really slowly as you have no idea what will emerge next.

Watch out for him having a health crisis or threatening his life (classic manipulative manoever) if things dont go his way. Just directly call emergency services for a welfare check. I wonder if his behaviour falls under emotional abuse - which might open more options to you re rentals due to DA? Not sure - maybe speak to womens aid and missing persons as you have all suffered for 6 months.

@springruns To me that implies that they knew where he was. And if they did, I’m sure his family did too.

This is exactly what happened to me. It was so out in the opened that his family assumed we had broken up, meanwhile I was walking around knowing nothing of it.

There were no children involved though, it’s quite vile if people knew and no one bothered to check in with OP.

If he did go to prison, you would probably be able to find the court report for his case.

You will never be able to trust him again, and your children shouldn't have to live with that uncertainty either. They need a safe stable home where they know a parent isn't going to suddenly vanish, and their day to day life isn't turned upside down at any moment. So I'd be sorting out a lawyer, divorce etc. Visitation only if appropriate (see below). Get the ball rolling without any further reference to him.

The starting point for any conversation with him, and any contact with the DC, is a complete and verifiable account of where he has been, what he has been doing, and who he has been doing it with. If he can't or won't provide this, in exhaustive detail, you have no way of knowing if it is safe or appropriate for him to see the DC.

Easier said than done, but try to be very cold and clinical in your dealings with him, and make only the most logicial and clinical decisions, in your and DC's interests only. You've become used to managing without him, and you've already done the hardest part in the immediate aftermath of his vanishing. Build on that strength and resilience. I worry about you getting sucked back in, questions unanswered, uncertainties unresolved, damage unhealed, only for him to do it all again, with the damage greatly compounded.

Once you've decided the way forward, some psychological support for the children, and for you too, might be helpful long-term. It is a horrific betrayal and abandonment for all of you.

@throwawaymum2024 OP when he came to your house after being missing, was he in a car of any description? when was the last time you were at your mil's home?? go there and have a quick swifty in the rooms to see if there is any evidence. do you have any family of your own you can go to, even if you have to move? I would consider moving! if you are good at reading faces for lying, you need to see your mil's face when you confront her about whether or not she knew where he was all that time or if he was staying at her house. I am sure she knows a helluva lot more than she is letting on! I would also demand to see his phone if you speak to him or even hers!! if she is innocent then she has nothing to worry about and neither would he!

This is really shocking. I am the kind of person that would just have to find out.

You can go to your local court website and search to see whether he's been sentenced but he's turned up looking better than he did before so that's quite unlikely. If he had gone to prison he would've wanted you visiting him and bringing him things.

It's far more likely that he moved in with someone else, someone with more money than he has and maybe even someone he lied to about having children and a wife. Now it's all over and he thinks he can just walk back in.

You would have to be absolutely insane to let him move back in or to start a relationship with him in any way. I would definitely meet up with him to find out if I could what had been going on and I might fake a future with him in order to find that out but there is no way on this earth that I would ever get back with him. It would be absolutely terrible for your children and for you. They've been hurt enough once and the second time, which is inevitable if you welcome him back now, would break them.

He's already lied to you about the phone. There's absolutely no reason for you to trust him.

His friends must have known. They would have kept checking in with you, either to make sure you were okay, or out of their own concern for him, it both, if they'd hadn't.

@throwawaymum2024 what kind of relationships does he have with friends that when some found out he was missing - they didn’t check in with you to see if you were ok or if there was any news…

my son had a breakdown 9 years ago and never recovered. He’s now 31 and still to this day I have an ex boyfriend of mine and several of his friends and their parents reach out occasionally to see how I and he are. 9 years and they still reach out..

maybe this speaks more to the person he really is.. that he could slip out of his life and the only people that really missed him were those he lived with.

I find it surprising and suspicious that his family and friends weren’t more worried about this.

Id suggest a Clare’s law request if you are worried he’s done something that caused his absence or a prison sentence.

id be checking the car reg online to see if taxed and insured etc. doesn’t mean he hasn’t sold it.

and what would happen if you surprised his mum and dropped by unannounced? Could you? I’d want to see her to her face to ask her what she has known.

if she knew what was happening I’d never let either of them have further access to your time or home.

id start making a plan to get ahead of the game with reports from school about the damage his disappearance did if you decided not to take him back - so he can’t try insisting on 50/50 with traumatised children. Don’t need fo ask for them yet but make lists of who could offer reports and statements to support your case.

good luck

I think his mates and his mum know exactly where he’s been and I’d put money on it being an OW. If he got sent down there would be a public record of it and presumably you have checked with local courts.

I couldn’t reconcile with someone who abandoned me and my kids with no thought for the anguish it would cause us. How can you trust he won’t do it again? Every time he leaves the house you’ll be wondering if he’s coming back.

no car when he turned up. came on foot. I’ve not been to MILs in months but now wish I had tbh. I don’t know how much she knew. could be everything, could be nothing, but like some of you said… even just one text in 6 months asking if we were ok would’ve gone a long way.

I don’t feel like I can trust anyone right now. not him, not her, not his mates. it’s like the whole world just watched us fall apart and said nothing. and yeah maybe that does say more about the kind of person he actually is. I’m just so angry and tired and it’s only now hitting me how much we’ve really lost.

Tell him to leave, you and your kids don’t need this!

Of all the things I’ve read about on Mumsnet, this must be one of the worst, if not the worst. I am so sorry you and your children have had to go through this OP. You have done incredibly well! You don’t need this man in your life (nor his mates and possibly his mum - I think they all knew where he was, which I find unforgivable). I would not take him back, and I do not say that lightly. Protect your children, and get legal advice. All the best OP, stay strong!!!

I’m just so angry and tired and it’s only now hitting me how much we’ve really lost.

Be careful here. Dont do anything rash in anger. Play your cards close to your chest and focus on planning a safe stable life ahead for your DCs. They need you calm and stable as they only have one reliable parent. Maybe see you GP or approach other agencies whilst you come to terms with your life being turned inside out. Rest and self care as much as you can.

I suspect that MIL will be in touch begging for you to give him another chance...

He is not your priority - you are in order to get through this for your DCs.