Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

I agree with everyone else who says his mum already knew,I thought it as soon as you mentioned her in your op, and I'd put money on an affair too.

I don't think she's kept her distance because she's fragile, old, ill or struggling with not knowing where her son is - she kept her distance because she knew what you and your children did not. I think she prioritised his lies over the hearts & security of her grandchildren.

Has she at any point offered you financial assistance?

I'm very sorry op because I can't begin to imagine what this has been like for you. You're incredible to have held things together as well as you have. Keep strong 💪

Wow. What an amazing woman you are dealing with all that.

You're not the same person he left.

He ditched you and the kids.

You cannot let him back into your lives, surely? He will treat you all with disregard again. The DCs needs to be protected from that. As do you but you're an adult and can make choices.

I would just not let him back. Start divorce proceedings. No drama.

yeah I work part time round school hours. nothing amazing but it helps a bit. he used to have a decent job yeah, not massive money but solid and stable. don’t know how he’s just walked away from it

no he didn’t pay rent or anything. full stop. all on me. I’m sole name on the lease so I guess that helps. not sure about changing locks in rented though

school do know yeah, they’ve been supportive but I’ll let them know he’s not to collect or turn up. never thought of clubs but I’ll speak to them too

tracker idea is actually clever. I wouldn’t even know where to start though. I don’t know if he’s got the same car or where he’s parking it. not seen it since he left.

it’s been on my mind non stop. I feel like even if he did try and tell me now I wouldn’t believe it unless I saw proof. so yeah you’re right. if I can get some facts it might stop my brain spinning

no idea about MOT I’ll check. had no clue that was even a thing you could look up x

Ask to look at his bank statements since January

OP, you sound like an amazing woman. You held it all together for your 3 young children.

Noone can tell you what to do but if I was in your shoes, I'd never feel comfortable again. There would be too much doubt & worry; will he leave again? Is he lying? Did he tell the truth... and it would just go on and on.
I couldn't deal with the mental anguish of it all.

Also it seems incredibly disrespectful to just swan back in & expect you to welcome him into your home with open arms. And to not even come with apologies and a ton of reasons as to what happened!
Nah, I'd be done.

You need to think of your children
You need to think of you.
Because he damn well didn't think of you or the children when he swanned off for 6 months.

You poor poor thing and my heart goes out to you and your kids. You are 1 strong strong woman. I could never ever trust him again. Don't bother asking him where he's been as you will never get the truth. Get to a solicitor ASAP. And tell him straight how upset the kids are, that he's not coming back, you want financial support and you are divorcing him. You can do it OP!!

Make a dummy social media account and see whether there's any trace of him having an alternate account. Check friends, family, ex colleagues etc to see whether there are any weird names liking or commenting on their profiles.

Also search his name for Google reviews. And search any usernames he uses on other things like forums, gaming etc. Might pop up profiles elsewhere.

That's if you want to try finding out what he's been up to. Otherwise just kick him to the curb.

Could he be mi5 or a spy or something like this? With the police being so vague and secretive too ?

Jesus- what the actual fuck.

There is no reason on this earth that you and your family and his mother are not owed and explanation.

I guess now he is back it’s easier to divorce him.

My first thought is he’s been in prison - could it be that?

Until we know the reasons, we can’t comment, and we don’t know how long she has known, if she does know.

Maybe her son has made her promise not tell, and it’s been tearing her apart. I think if she did know for a long time, then she would distant herself from op, as it would be easier, but it doesn’t sound like this has happened.

Maybe. But where is he staying now? And if she has kicked him out or he has left, he might return. And it would at least uncover whether he was being truthful now.

yeah I’ve been thinking that more and more tbh. I don’t want to believe it cos she’s been decent to me in the past but something’s off. it was like she wasn’t shocked enough. and you’re right she’s been pretty quiet for months now looking back

she hasn’t offered money no. she did bits with the kids when she could like picked them up a couple times or sent them cards etc but nothing regular. and nothing when things were really hard.

I feel like I don’t know who’s lied to me and who hasn’t now. he’s made everything feel uncertain. even people I thought I could trust I’m now second guessing

thanks for saying that. I’m trying. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m constantly bracing for another blow x

You poor thing! This is just horrendous abuse. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

My heart goes out to you. Your mind must be all over the place, wondering what’s happened, who knew, why he decided to return now etc.

His work said ‘he doesn’t work there anymore’. That could mean he was sacked.

Did none of his friends approach you, trying to get hold of him? Surely he had friends who would have been messaging him for a pint, hobbies etc, and then contacting you to see why he wasn’t replying?

This must be a doodling your head in, OP. We can all speculate and surmise, but the thing that is of most concern to you and your children is that he is refusing to be honest. And I think that is what I would tell him.

What's rude about it? You think she should go back with him? You don't think that would be foolish?

My first thought was a breakdown. However having RTFT I can’t help but think affair. It’s how how selfish he is being and the lack of answer.

You are entitled to be furious and never trust him again. What he has done to you and the abandonment of the children is just awful.

@throwawaymum2024 I think it is almost certainly true that his Mum knew where he was, before you did, however it may only be recently that she found out and didn't let you know because he said he was going to let you know himself. it MAY be that she didn't know at the beginning, or for quite a long time after, so even if the car is at his Mum's, it doesn't prove that she has known all the time. But I hope you find out which, otherwise you'll never be able to trust her either.

As someone else said, too, he could easily have lost his job for gross misconduct or something and is now still lying to you that he quit his job.

My money is still on there being another woman who he moved in with and she's either had enough of him - or he has realised the grass wasn't greener.

I hope you can get to the bottom of what happened and establish the truth, for your own peace of mind, but you are doing the right thing in keeping him at arms length and taking your time to decide exactly what to do.

Like everyone else on this thread, I am aghast that he could leave without a word and then rock back up like nothing has happened but you are bloody awesome, OP. Your children are so lucky to have you looking out for them, paying the bills, being a loving parent, when their father is such a dickhead turning all your lives upside down.

yeah exactly that they just said he wasn’t there anymore. I asked if he quit or got sacked and they said they couldn’t give me any more info

none of his mates messaged me. I did reach out to a couple when he first went missing but they either didn’t reply or said they hadn’t seen him. and maybe that was true or maybe not. no one’s come forward since

yeah it is doodling my head in. he won’t give straight answers. like he’s pretending it’s not a big deal or like I’m the mad one for asking questions. it’s horrible. I think you’re right I need to just tell him if he can’t be honest then I can’t even consider anything going forward.

So none of his friends or work colleagues contacted you to see if there were any updates? Curiouser and curiouser? Makes me feel
they were complicit in maintaining the lies, which makes the whole situation even worse. (Presuming they knew some or all the details. )

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. I'm so angry on behalf of you and your poor kids. But if he gave you an explanation now after all of the evasion and minimising would you be able to believe him? I'm not sure I would in that position. I'm hoping his mum didn't know because that just adds another layer of betrayal but it might explain why he didn't contact you to ask about the kids. Sending 💐

I wouldn't have anything much to do with him if I were you, OP. Not after what he's done to his children.

Fucking off for six months, leaving you to pick up the pieces of the trauma he's caused, then he wonders why you're not ecstatic to see him. No, no, no.

And from the way he's acting, he still doesn't give a toss what he's done to all of you. I'd bin him.

I think you're right not to trust DH @throwawaymum2024 . Even if he were to be totally open about what he's been up to, you would never be sure if he would do it again. Plus if he genuinely cared about your feelings, he wouldn't just turn up out of the blue and act as if nothing had happened. I also think you are right to be wary of MIL.