Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

Just read your updates and it just gets worse.
He left you and the kids with no financial support?
He won't give you any details about where he's been and with who?
Prioritise legal advice. Preferably before you see him.

Nope. If they knew where he was, they’re only allowed to say and well, due to data protection. When I was working on the 9’s if we could see that the misper was in custody, we weren’t allowed to say.

Plus the person might even be escaping abuse or similar.

thank you all so much. the support here is unreal honestly

I don’t know how I coped tbh. just had to keep going. we do rent so no mortgage but yeah all bills and food and school stuff was on me. had to borrow a bit and get on UC. still behind on some things but we got through. kids never went without. I just stopped buying anything for myself and ran on stress

I did contact the police multiple times and even filed the missing report. they said he was “safe and well” but couldn’t share anything else. I asked if he was in hospital or prison but they wouldn’t say. so if he was in prison I guess it was one of those where they can’t disclose. still feels wrong though.

don’t think I could afford a PI but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. I want to know so badly but I also don’t want to make myself even more mental trying to dig when he clearly doesn’t want to tell me.

I’m going to speak to the school this week about the eldest. he’s been playing up a bit and acting out and now I just feel awful knowing he might’ve been carrying all this.

I’ve told H I’m not rushing into anything. no coming back to the house. no sitting round the table like nothing happened. I need time and he needs to step up and pay something at least

still half expecting to wake up and realise it was all a dream tbh. what a year. x

After talking to him I’d arrange a sit down with mil
I’d let her know your relationship with her is on the line and you want the truth and you have heard her sons version

she knows … if my son disappeared with out a trace for 6 months then reappeared I’d be hysterical angry etc no way wouldn’t reaction be calm

I've read some fucked up things on here but this has to be the most fucked up! I'll echo PP and say I'd never trust him again, if he can do this once and without an ounce of remorse and giving you full details, he can and probably will do it again.

Whether his mum knew or not I'm not sure you'll ever find out and really the only difference it makes if she did is that you know you also can't trust her.

Absolutely ask him for a full account of where he has been but only ask once. I doubt you'll get the truth and at this stage does it make much difference? I'd definitely be seeking legal advice and I would not let him waltz back into the children's lives before he's proved he's sticking around this time.

Now he's back please don't lie to the DC if they ask questions, "i dont know where Daddy was" "I'm not sure if daddy will leave again but I hope not, mummy will never leave" "i don't know you'll have to ask daddy" don't slag him off but don't make excuses for him either.

You've already proven how strong you are by coping for the past 6 months alone, you know you dont need him now make sure he knows that. Stand tall @throwawaymum2024 you've got this x

Do you work?
did he have a well-paying job?

This is insane! Can't believe he thought he could just knock on the door and the kids and you would just pretend he'd popped out to the shops or something?! Madness. Is there something lacking up there, that he thinks that's an okay thing to do after walking out with no word?

3 kids wondering if he's dead. You having no practical or financial support?

Absolute tosser. I'm amazed at his audacity.

Oh and I'd bet my favourite bra that he's had an OW at least at some point. Twat.

Lady, if you take only one thing away with you from this sad tale, it should be this...you are not stupid!

You've remained sane, loving to your children, fielded EVERYTHING this rotten situation threw at you and still have your head screwed on right to be questioning all that this so-called man is laying at your door.

I don't know you but my lord, I'm so proud of you!

Do not ever, ever, ever trust this man again.

I could not just read this and not post - OP, this is one of the most disturbing things I have read on here - you poor thing! You are coping amazingly, but I am so angry about what he did to you!

Re: Mental health - people who are suicidal sometimes plan in advance (leaving job, etc), but if they change their minds, that would not explain the long absence. And although people dont always leave a note, a lot of people put things in place for their loved ones.

The only other way this would make sense is a psychotic break. But no way would he look so well afterwards.

The minimizing of the impact of him leaving, his appearance, lying about the phone - all screams OW. I am guessing she either started expecting things from him, or decided he was no catch and threw him out.

I hope you get some information, but echo what others have said, take someone with you. He does not get to set any expectations here.

You are being so strong. I am sorry you have to be.

Please inform the school that he's not allowed to collect your son under any circumstances. One ex tried to do that at our school.

And any clubs he might attend.

Tell him to GGF.....go get fucked

That sounds horrendous. Thank you for sharing that and I hope you are ok now. Sounds like you have been through a LOT.

Thanks for the info- but that’s crazy isn’t it? I thought it was public record if you go to prison. Not data protection!!! And surely a wife or NOK should automatically be informed anyway?! I guess not!

Presumably the school know all about him being missing for the last 5 months, so should support you in him not being able to pick them up ? (Maybe someone on here knows more about this ?)

It is not in the childrens’ best interests for him to suddenly appear back in their lives. It will compound the lasting damage he has already done.
Is it possible to get some sort of visitation order or something in place via family courts (sorry I have absolutely no clue about this).

If you are renting, presumably you can’t change the locks?

You u said
we do rent so no mortgage but yeah all bills and food and school stuff was on me.

does this mean he stopped paying rent too? Or did he continue it?
Who’s name is on the lease and how long is it?
I would move.

I think if he’d been in prison there would’ve been a police investigation and they would’ve wanted to speak to you, whatever the charges, so you would’ve known. When they police do a welfare check they just ring the person nowadays so probably the
police officer left him a voicemail and he rang them back and said I’m not missing, I’ve gone and I don’t want to be found.

How disrespectful to just up sticks and not say anything. He’s put you and more importantly his kids through hell. Do not trust your mil. She knows more.
Go to the solicitor this week and get the ball rolling.
Call CMS and get maintenance for the dc.
I think he’s been playing away and it didn’t work out with ow and he thinks you’re stupid enough to take him back. What an absolute prick!

asked where he’s staying now and he just said “mate’s place” wouldn’t say who or where. says he’s got no phone atm either which is a lie cos I saw it in his pocket. so yeah I think he’s still hiding stuff.

Ultimately the choice is yours as to whether you do meet him but if the only answers to your questions are going to be along the lines of the above you'll be wasting your time.

Chances are you'll be left with more questions than answers.

Keep his mother onside. He might tell her where he's been. Surely the chances are this was an affair that's ended. I can't understand how he was simply allowed to stop paying for the children if the police knew where he was.

I wouldn’t talk at your house. Find a neutral place to talk. He has forgone the right to call your home his home when he left.

I also wondered whether his mum knew more than she was letting on. Maybe not at first, but maybe he contacted her further down the line, or she found something out, and was asked to keep this quiet (or found it too awkward/embarrassing to tell you, for whatever reason).

He absolutely will have left a trail, wherever he has been. If you find the car there will be receipts. You could find out where his clothing is from? Is it somewhere online or a specific shop in a different area? Is it a foreign shop? Could you meet up with him, have a friend tail you and slip a tracker on his car? Just knowing his location would give you a lot of answers. I think that if you don't get to the bottom of it, it will always niggle away at you (it would me at least). If you have some facts, then you can then close that chapter more easily.

But if he had been with OW and she's thrown him out and he can't go back there, tracking him and his car and using a PI to watch him won't prove anything now, will it?

What in the world would warrant this rude comment to op?

Has his MOT needed doing in the last 6 months, and you can see where the test centre was online?

The fact that MIL knew more than she was letting on and let you stress and worry is unforgivable