DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

I couldn't do this. This is one occasion where I 🤔 it is absolutely OK to fake an illness

So sorry you're dealing with this, OP, but just wanted to say it's great that you're being so calm and strong. Clearly he's been vile to you for ages and knowing it wasn't you is helping loads. Keep going, keep your cool and we're all with you in spirit! X

Keep a record of this awful behaviour from him. Write it all down. He wants to twist the narrative so that he is the perfect father and you are the neglectful mother. You are absolutely correct. He is scum.

If you are having a friend in the house while you are away to find information and papers be care of doorbell cameras

Take your time and get everything lined up including shopping, uniforms and yourself a new wardrobe, advanced mortgage payments, fees, clubs, holidays, secret savings etc. It really helps, I speak from experience.

That's a great list @FairyMaclary .

Op you are my hero

You can do this! You're going to dig deep for the sake of yours and those little ones future.
A short term struggle but keep reminding yourself of the finish line. And reassure yourself that your dignity will be intact by the end!
When you start to struggle, hop on here to vent. We'll hold you up, I promise ❤️

Please take evidence of how he treats you as much as you can!!! You could voice note your sister on WhatsApp if he’s on a rant, screenshot or video abusive messages, do it all!!!

You may need it when this gaslighty fuck tries to make you the bad guy and turn your children / family / friends against you….

You are doing so incredibly! I'm in a similar boat although mine chose to leave me at the start of his affair (not the first one but I idiotically took him back last time after aaaaall the begging and remorse) I wish I could hate my ex like you do, I'm sitting here feeling so sick and panicky because I know he's with her right now and I know that it would be awful to be with him again but after ten years and two beautiful kids. It's just horrendous. You're so strong OP.

OP: if he has crypto investments then he might have the password and recovery phrase written down somewhere. Much of crypto is doing quite well at this time and if he bought some time ago it could now be worth quite a lot.

If he's smart, he will have written these on a physical piece of paper. If he's not so careful he might have only a digital copy.

The recovery phrase will likely be either 12 or 24 words. Random words.

If you find a piece of paper with that, take a copy and give to your lawyer.

Another couple of things OP
Children, no matter how small pick up on any animosity. If he's gaslighting you and causing an atmosphere, they sense it even when they don't understand it. You're not blowing their life apart, you're planning on making their home a haven where no one is berating you.
Register your interest with as many local solicitors as possible. They can't take him as a client when the time comes as its a conflict of interest. Draft your sister in and spend a day ringing as many as possible xx

He sounds absolutely vile OP. I’m almost feeling sorry for the OW who might be about to be saddled with him!

You reminded me of how I used to do that to my ex - he’d be sitting in the lounge having just said something arsey and I’d go upstairs, flicking him the v’s through the wall the way up! Very cathartic!

ha ha ha, oh dear, but it were so easy. This is how forensic accountants make their living. You are far better knowing so they can't 'forget'. The only way I'd have a little more confidence in this statement is if he's a lawyer. Some (not all) respect the law.

Men (it's usually men), don't like sharing THEIR money. Lying is very common indeed.

I am so very very sorry. Keep with your plan and take him to the fucking cleaners. Get everything and get your family to help. What a fucking bastard.

So sorry you’re going through this. I’m not sure I’d be able to keep the information to myself, I’d want to throttle him.

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug that’s really sad to read and I can totally relate - I was the same. It does get better I promise x

OP I think you are absolutely fab!

This is, to a certain extent, how you 'hide' money.

What? No need at all.

He sounds a proper piece of shit. Why these unhappy useless lumps of men don't just leave if they are so miserable being husbands and fathers, and spare the women and children their resentful, grouchy presence, I don't know.

Agree with everything that's been said - stash as much money as you can, use gift cards if that's safer, stock up on supplies, do as much sleuthing as possible to find out what he might want to hide away instead of paying what he should for his kids. And get a good solicitor. Hopefully the day you serve him papers and he's totally blindsided will get you through the holiday.

I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he gets the papers!

Can you pretend to be ill??

A little bit of occasional chilli rubbing into the crotch of his underpants wouldn't go amiss in a situation like this. Nothing too obvious but just enough for some occasional discomfort and humiliation. Perhaps for an important work meeting resulting in him scratching himself in places that would embarrass an ape!

You can do this just remember day by day x

Ok. So i would say even if there's a chance of forgiveness, ducks in a row is never a bad thing so good on you.

Id tell him I was on my period in order to avoid any "romance", then I'd look to see what trips we could book to minimise sitting around together. I'd just remind myself what I was putting on a front for and revel in because let's face it your one week lying on holiday is nothing compared to his 9 months double dipping