DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

I still need to read the entire thread. But my only suggestion is to put on a performance. Talk about how wonderful everything is and how happy you are. Be nauseatingly sweet to your husband but drop some stories about a friend of yours whose husband cheated only to find out the woman was an utter psycho and he tried to come back.

I’d also be very careful around him in case he tries to harm you in any way. My mind goes to Chris Watts.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. People can be utter a-holes.

Eurgh what a twat blaming you for your little one tripping up - it's cruel not just to you but to the child, to make them feel like you've done something deliberately. I'm very impressed you haven't taken a hatchet to his back instead of flicking the Vs.

That's awful. You have my sympathy. I couldn't go on holiday with him. What are you going to do if he tries to have sex with you??? YUCK. Make something up and stay strong. He's not worth it. The prick.😡

You’re in a truly awful situation and I am so sorry. If you want to play the long game as you’re suggesting then your acting skills are going to have to be Oscar winning standard. But I think you’re right because as it stands he doesn’t know you know, you’re going to have to keep it that way until you show your hand. You’ve got this.

I’m so sorry Op. I can imagine (because I’ve been there) how disappointed, hurt, angry and confused you must be.
He has let you fret and even start counselling to overcome issues that are 💯 due to his cheating and deception. Absolutely monstrous and unforgivable.
I wish strength for you. You can rebuild your life and be happier without him and design him. Take advice for the wise and kind here and irl.
Good luck:

Just need you to know you're amazing x

He's a scumbag, OP. Abusive piece of shit.

You are doing great - stay strong and come out on top

honestly can’t wait to live in peace. There’s just a lot of mess to get through first. And my poor, poor babies.

And later

take today. We were walking along - him walking ahead, me wearing the changing bag and pushing the 18m old in the pushchair, 4yo DC bumbling along behind us. 4yo DC came up from behind, walked into the back of me and fell over. DH immediately turned back and started criticising (“why did you do that?”) scooped up 4yo DC and told him “mummy tripped you up didn’t she?” multiple times. @EmmaThompsonsTears

Honestly op your babies are going to be better of without him. He's using them as pawns to get to you. This is emotional abuse on both you and the dcs.
Your DC will know you didn't trip them, but him saying you did invalidates their sense of trust in themselves, they begin to doubt their ability to know the truth.
And it's just plain awful to be used and put in that position by someone who's meant to love and care for you.

So good riddance to the scum, you will have your peace and your children will be all the better for it 💐

Wonderful support and advice on here. My tuppence worth would be don't feign illness. Say ur sister / best friend/ someone else needs you urgently (could be hospital appointment, mental health , relationship issue) and you have to be there to 'be there' for her. He goes on holiday with kids and you say you will join as soon as you can. Gives you a bit of time and space and means you don't have to look ill🤣
And as others have said, don't try and talk to his girlfriend or ruin his life. Be classier than that. He will do it all himself. Be the bigger and better person.
You seem really sensible and u got this.
X

I would refuse to go-I just wouldn't want to fake it and risk breaking down in front of my family, and if at all possible, I'd get the kids to their grandparents/any family or friends who love them and can take care of them, and tell him you need to talk to him. I'd ask if he really wants to, as you say, "blow up their lives", and tell him he has one chance to sort this out, or his children will grow up thinking their dad can't be trusted, which can really affect them. I blamed myself for my dad's actions for a long time, and I had relationship issues and put off having kids in case I was a bad parent. It's easy to say I shouldn't have blamed myself, and I was an innocent kid, but I am not the only one.
If you wanted to go on the holiday that would be one thing, but your post suggests you're not, and that you'd really struggle to fake it. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

You've got this. Stay strong xx

You’re bang on the money there @Lucythesquirrel. I was living in such fear of making mistakes and being human. Now I know it was all for nothing it’s taken the pressure off massively - especially as cheating to me is a red line in the sand. There’s no coming back from it, it’s completely unforgivable. Especially with the level of deception he’s subjected me too. So there’s no pressure to please him, because there’s nothing to rebuild.

i also think I’ve been experiencing a long, drawn out heartbreak for the last 9 months. I was so upset and bewildered by the way he was behaving towards me. Full body sobbing on the bathroom floor over christmas was a highlight. Again because he’d said I’d ruined Christmas over something completely trivial.

anyway, you’d be proud of me guys. I’ve just given the performance of my LIFE this evening. We had a long and civilised discussion about problems in our relationship and whether or not we wanted to fix them, whether or not this was forever. I insisted I did and it was. That you never make life changing decisions in the first two years of a child’s life. My brain was screaming “EXCEPT WHEN YOUR HUSBAND IS CHEATING SCUM.” And “I know what you did you piece of shit” the whole way through the conversation, but I never let on.

I’ve always thought of myself as having no filter. I’ve discovered this week that it’s the best filter ever?!

What did your husband say? Does he want to fix your problems?

He probably thinks he gave the performance of his life, too.
The irony.

Allegedly yes. Part of me would’ve believed him if I hadn’t seen evidence to the contrary that he sent to the OW as recently as last Tuesday.

I think he’s actually trying to get me to suggest a mutually respectful divorce so that I can be the bad guy

well, he’ll get half of his wish.
me to suggest demand a mutually respectful divorce so that I can be the bad guy ass

You poor thing. He sounds incredibly cruel - not just the cheating but the constant demonising of you which is horrible to do in front of your children too.

I wouldn't expect that he'll play nice with the divorce and with being a father post-separation. Just a vibe I get from his behaviour.

Think of how nice it will be not to have him criticise you constantly. Hopefully he can move out ASAP once you have your ducks in a row. Good luck!

Bless you. And your little ones.
But not him.

So:
If you really want to get through this well, then remember one thing -

This situation is dangerous. In so much as you could lose a lot more than you need to. Never allow your emotions to dictate your actions in this phase. Keep a lid on it.
Get everything in place. Give no sign of knowing anything, or anything being amiss. Be pacific. Be normal, in whatever chronically disfunctional way with him that is. Do not alert his senses.

Think of the children and keeping to a minimum the ruination of their lives.

I actually do think it could be arranged for you to keep the house and the playroom.

So go on holiday, be nice, keep your trap shut. Research lawyers on the beach and become an expert in this all.

Don't let on till you have it all sorted.

And keep the weapon of telling her all until/if you really really need it.

Once you've sorted it, you should also inform his work place. Bonking a junior is not professional.

@EmmaThompsonsTears
SP since birth here with very abusive ex.

I am NOT advocating the below tactic necessarily - certainly not at this early stage where you just don’t know how it might play out yet. If there’s a scenario where he pays you quickly to go away so he can be with his OW (or another OW), that’s the one to go for. You don’t want to do anything out of emotion that might backfire financially or practically.

HOWEVER
You mentioned he’s the OW’s superior at work which may well be a breach of policy especially if they have not declared the relationship, which they won’t have done given he’s married. If he works for a big company they will have a whistleblowing hotline and ANYONE can anonymously use that hotline to report conduct of concern. You do not have to be an employee or customer of the company. It’s worth bearing this in mind just in case for the future if and when his relationship with the OW is not serving you financially or practically.

You need to decide what you want.

Do you want a divorce that sets you up in the best possible way for you and the kids’ futures?
Do you want emotional revenge?
So much of the bitterness in divorce is about the way people behave to each other during the process, and this can get in the way of reaching an outcome that might otherwise have been possible.

The idea that you can pursue a divorce very aggressively and win a great financial outcome is in most cases a fantasy. Even when it does happen, it still comes at great time, expense and emotional cost to everyone involved including the “winner” and the kids.

If I were you and needed a mantra in this situation to keep coming back to, it would be “kids first, higher ground”.

So yes, be bad ass in the sense of doing your homework early: gathering the financial facts for both of you (as you will both need to do disclosure) and also putting together an evidence based projection of your financial needs going forwards (eg researching potential homes for sale, your mortgage capacity and childcare/education costs).

But no, don’t be a bad ass - in the sense that ruling out a “mutually respectful” divorce may not be in your best interests. You have shown yourself that you can be a great actress when you need to be, and you might catch a lot more flies with honey. It’s also much more effective to start sweet and get nasty (if absolutely necessary) than the other way round, when any vestiges of a working relationship or civil communication have been destroyed and there’s no going back.

Sounds like he's trying to turn your kids against you/groom them for an abuse claim.

Op, this is such a shitty situation for you. I'm sorry for your pain.

This is what they do when having affairs. Their personalities change. They blame you for standing in the way of their twoo wuv story. Even though you're oblivious.

It's a horrendous time where you feel like you are to blame for their unhappiness. I went through it three times. Now I know how many affairs he had.....

Do not even think about him sailing off into the sunset with ow. It's going to be shit for him and he will be full of regrets etc. Don't doubt that but also don't waste time thinking about him and his future.

Be steely and icily polite - focus on your and your dcs future only. Become obsessed with it.

All power to you.

He doesn’t deserve u and you certainly don’t deserve him! Which I hope will help you to move on. Keep that smile plastered on your face, don’t drink any alcohol on holiday because you need to be at the top of your game and get yourself through the time away with him. What a piece of work 🤬. The best of luck to you and your children. 💐

I know you can’t wait to tell his mum, but please please don’t think she’ll do anything other than support him.

My MIL told me my DH’s affair was my fault. Not only did he blame me but she did as well, and she completely enabled him. Other than that I have heard nothing from her.

I’m not saying don’t tell her, but you may not get the reaction you’re hoping for. And the other woman won’t give a shit. She didn’t in the affair and she won’t now.

This is great advice, thank you so much. “Kids first, higher ground” is a brilliant mantra.
in some ways I feel like the easiest thing to do would be to split everything 50/50 - but I don’t really understand how child support works in that scenario - which is probably what I need to ask solicitors about I guess?