DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

If there is a chance the ex will withdraw the money then damn right you should withdraw half.

The lady didn't hide it as she withdrew it from a joint account and only half so there was a paper trail for everyone to see.

Did your ex have the money in his own savings account or was it joint?

It came out of joint account and exh was none the wiser. My divorce did go through court and exh was ordered to buy me out of joint business at market value as he had been taking money from ltd company to buy his OW expensive gifts. I got 55 percent equity in marital home and we pension shared.

Kind of with you. I think it’s great advice for the mums who have given up work / only working very part time and need all the financial support they can get for themselves - but I personally can’t be bothered with all that. Plus he’d notice, as our joint account goes right to zero most months, then we top it back up on payday. If it goes below zero because of a big bill or just an expensive month (this happens quite often) he tops it up from his personal account.

however I’m very aware that while I can’t afford the house we have now on on my own, I’m in a relatively privileged financial position. I know it’ll be tough but we’ll be ok. Not everyone has that luxury though so I think the advice was coming from a really good place. We all have to be smart, at the end of the day.

On that note, I contacted two solicitors today while he took eldest DC out to the playground, with a view to getting some advice next week. Left some very weird rambly messages but never mind 😂 the wheels are moving!

I have a Samsung phone that has a secure folder that needs a separate password. It might be worth saving all documents into something like that

There should be a special place in hell for men like OP's DH. He is being unfaithful and abusive but he has also tainted all her happy memories with her baby. When her child is older and starts talking or asking about when they were a baby, the memories for OP will always be tinged with sadness and regret.

No doubt, he continues to think of himself as a great dad.

Exactly this, both my 2 pregnancies were like this. This bastard has a lot to answer for!

If you must go on the trip, I'd kill him with kindness to really mess with his head, be the "perfect" wife, all the while knowing that you are playing his game now. I'd also sleep in bed with the 4yo if possible. Enjoy the food and whatever you do, don't drink too much and lose your judgement. Stay strong.

I’m enjoying all of this side of it, it has to be said. Smiling, laughing at his least amusing comments, and telling him how much I appreciate him. Unfortunately, as I have now realised, it is impossible to be the perfect wife for him. He always finds something new to criticise.

take today. We were walking along - him walking ahead, me wearing the changing bag and pushing the 18m old in the pushchair, 4yo DC bumbling along behind us. 4yo DC came up from behind, walked into the back of me and fell over. DH immediately turned back and started criticising (“why did you do that?”) scooped up 4yo DC and told him “mummy tripped you up didn’t she?” multiple times.

he is actually scum. This would’ve really upset me and got under my skin a few days ago. Now I know why I just focus on the kids and ignore him - until his back turns again and I can start flicking the v’s some more 😂

In your shoes (and you are doing great btw), I would love to have him sent divorce papers through the post and be there when he opens them, completely blindsided as you have never let on what you know and what you have been doing to secure the future. That would be a moment! You could live on it for a while. Is there a chance he would be violent though? Have someone with you when it happens.🌷

That's abusive.

Keep a record of everything.

I agree. Really horrible.. and so unkind to do that to your child too. To make them think that you would deliberately trip them up. Cruel in fact.. getting at you via the kids. He's pathetic.

I'm guessing you are now looking at him with different eyes and seeing him very clearly now, it is only confirming that you gut instincts were correct.

OP you sound so strong and you can do this! By the sounds of your responses / posts it’s almost like your feelings have been validated and like a pressure has been taken off you? Almost like you needed something like this to happen to go ‘right that’s it I’m done’ I hope I’m not speaking out of turn by saying that. Sometimes you look back and go, I’m so glad I went through that heartache. But I know it’s early days. I wish you all the best and have no doubt you will manage this well. Good luck!

I'm sorry you are going through this, its just shit. I also stick the fingers up at Ex a lot, behind his back obviously. We are still living together for the sake of the kids and getting along on the surface, but I have a lot of resentment bubbling under the surface and take pleasure in sticking the fingers up at his closed door. Immature, but it helps

I used to stick the V's up at my ex as he left the house after his affair - see ya wouldn't wanna be you - said mumbled with a big grin on my face as he was leaving

I could go up to 5 days again easily I think after you divorce - not before

if his affair is long distance, this may affect child access - as he will possibly be a distance away. every other weekend Friday night to Sunday night and a week day night each week usually work ok

Sounds like he's spoiling your holiday!
Why not spoil his - and go down with a 'wee infection/rash/possibly thrush', just to worry him!

“mummy tripped you up didn’t she?”

This man is a class A prick, zero question. In time you can consider this period a blessing and a lucky escape @EmmaThompsonsTears - and your babies will know how much you love them, he'll show his true colours to them one day too,

x

I dread to think how he’ll behave with them when you’re not there if he says that shit when you are!

Go on your holiday, make it nice for the children. Secretly you can watch him squirm when he’s trying to contact her with you around 24/7. Try get screenshots of proof. Sort bank accounts so you know what’s in there, try save some if u can. I’d secretly enjoy knowing this, hopefully it will destroy any feeling you have for him and you can be cold and distant and see him for what he is. Protect your home and self, find passports,, birth certificates, marriage certificates etc, keep it all for one big reveal when the time is right. As the old saying goes ‘there’s no fury like that of a woman scorned’ Good luck

Oh I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. That gut-punch moment of knowing for sure is just devastating – and then having to sit on it? Torture.

You’re absolutely doing the right thing by staying calm and getting your ducks in a row first. Seeing a solicitor before confronting him gives you power, and you will thank yourself later.

As for the holiday – survival mode. Treat it like a performance. Keep your focus on the DCs, and when it gets overwhelming, step away: bathroom breaks, solo walks, fake phone calls – whatever gets you a few moments to breathe. Journal in your notes app if you need an outlet, or come back here and post. You’re not alone.

You are so strong already. Just get through the week one hour at a time – and then you’ll take your next steps from a position of clarity and strength. Hand hold firmly here 💐.

You need to correct this shit. Every.Single.Time.

OP, he's repeatedly telling your child that you deliberately harmed them. Children repeat things and adults believe them.

Many years ago my boyfriends young child had a cut (like a papercut, not a gash) on her hand and he asked what happened a few times. She just kept saying ''Mummy didn't do it''.

He thought this was an odd response and maybe her mother has done it (possibly an accident) and had drilled her to say she hadn't.

Another one here with a similar story - my ex starting an affair when our daughter was a few months old and then started cheating on the OW with another OW! I found out 2.5 years later after he had gaslit me to the point of feeling utterly worthless and alienated me from my friends and family. He told them I was paranoid and suspicious under the auspices of being worried about me, it meant I had no one to confide in. The day I got irrefutable proof of him cheating I also felt shell shocked but massively relieved.

OP this was nearly 14 years ago now. I kept my cool too and didn’t tell him that I knew. I took my time and gathered my evidence and sorted my finances out in the background. This also meant that by the time I was ready to confront him I wasn’t reactive and couldn’t be fobbed off as I knew I would have been. It was hard but with hindsight I am so glad I took my time.

One of his OW was also somebody he was senior to at work so I did email his boss. I worked hard to keep my dignity and even when I got wind that he was telling people that I cheated, that he stayed with me as long as he did because he was sooooo worried about my temper/alcoholism (I rarely drink)/anything else you can think of that paints me in a bad light and makes him the hero - I didn’t react and trusted that those people who know and love me wouldn’t believe it. I am now so glad I did this because our daughter is now older and has asked questions to our friends and family and has searched back through our SM (just having a nosy, not related to this) and there is nothing to uncover and people have told her how hard I worked to protect her.

OP we have all got your back. When you have a wobble come back on here and we will lift you up again. You’ve got this.

I love this, you’re being so strong and such a badass about it! Can you send the video recording of his bullshit cheating to your sister so it’s not on your phone and it’s kept safe and sound on hers? And that way you don’t really have to worry about him finding anything? Also maybe have a code word with your sister to use via text to change the convo, just incase he asks to look!

How are you going to go about not sleeping with him during this holiday and up until you finally out him? I’m sure if you stopped having sex you’ll soon be blamed for having the affair and being a huge slut! Ha!

you got this xx

I am willing you on and wishing you all the best. Keep your eye on the prize: a life without this selfish idiot in your life.

I would fake an upset tummy throughout the holiday that requires you to sleep elsewhere.

I hope you are able to quietly continue gathering evidence of all the financials etc and get you and your DCs out of the marriage as quickly as possible.