DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

Speak to "Nawal Houghton Your Divorce Coach."

She is completely affordable. Pounds. Not hudreds or thousands. She has been through it and is an International Lawyer. A mdiator and something else I forgot. At least look up her website.So much free advice, even if you do not talk to her.

She will guide you through the process. Ho to fill in forms yourself. What to instruct your lawyer etc. She has a lot of empathy. Is extremely confident and knows everything about narcicists and current law. Everything.

So he is very blatantly only trying to reconcile with you because the OW dumped him, not because he came to his senses. He’s shown you that you are his back up plan and he’ll stoop to emotional blackmail to prove it. How will you know he’s not trying to win her back? How will you live always knowing you were second choice? Always worrying if he’s gone back to her?
This will make you ill and ruin your self esteem.

File for divorce, it takes months and months and can be stopped right up to the very end, so you could use that time to observe his behaviour. If he really works on himself, shows genuine remorse, does everything in his power to rebuild trust (and think long and hard about what you’d need for this to happen) then you could stop the divorce.

You are essentially saying you’re staying for the kids if you try and reconcile without full and frank commitment to reconciliation from him - and I’ve never heard anyone ever say they are glad they stayed together for the kids. It always ends badly one way or another.

He will not take your kids Op, he might make it hard but it’s not going to happen at their age. Get your option 3 solicitor to fight for you on this one.

I know none of us are living your life but OP, please continue to file for divorce. Get rid of this man who has run roughshod over you and your feelings and your emotions. He cares not one jot about you or your kids because if he did, he would never have looked elsewhere and would have tried to sort himself out with your help and support prior to the opportunity of having his head turned.

He'll repeat the same behaviour in a year or so, you can bet your house on it.

Also wanted to add that the other woman hasn't put up with his bullshit - why the fuck should you?!?

Find that resilience and anger again, OP - he has shown you who he is.

Sending you strength!

@EmmaThompsonsTears Im still surprised he told you anything about it to begin with. Was she threatening to tell you? Or was he just so upset about her dumping him he couldn’t hide his emotions?

Has he told his parents what he did or is he going to pretend to the outside world he’s still the world’s best husband?

I guess you need to see how things play out over the next few weeks, but do you truly feel he’s someone capable of true reconciliation? I.e. taking full accountability, understanding the depths of his betrayal and the impact on you, never expecting you to ‘be over it’ but working everyday to show you he’s trying to be the person you deserve?

Or do you think he will cry and beg for a little while, then when he realises you aren’t divorcing him expect you to get over it because he’s apologised and call you crazy and controlling and threaten to leave you if you don’t act how he wants.

I don’t know him, but from what you have said, including the way he has acted after it’s come out I know which one I think is most likely.

Also are you tempted to talk to her to get her side of things? Put an end to his lies once and for all? Once you know the truth you are in a better position to make a decision.

OP just to say while we are all rooting for you, don't feel like you owe anyone to justify your decisions or that you have to give updates.

Focus on your own wellbeing, and make sure you talk all this through with a therapist. You mentioned upthread your therapy ends soon, I would make sure you have another therapy plan sorted before this runs out.

If you are staying, use this as an opportunity/ leverage to get a clear financial picture. Crypto / savings / investments / pension / earnings.

Consider a post-nup if you don't think it's inflammatory to the situation.

If it's custody that is causing you to stay, discuss this with the lawyer you had considered previously.

If you are staying, write out the boundaries you will not allow in future. E.g. you will not let him speak badly to you in front of the children. You will not allow contact with the OW. You need an open phone policy. You will not let your "anxiety" be referenced as a cause for fault. Consider what you will do if he breaks these. Or if you want these literally written down and signed by him as a covenant.

He's repentant right now, use it in any way you can while it lasts.

I would suggest to MiL how much the kids enjoy coming to hers or an activity out all together, preferably dinner, when you're right in the middle of it say well anyway HUsbands name has something to tell you. To which he'll no doubt look bemused and then prompt him you know you've met the love of your life insert her name and sit back and watch chaos.

Actually probably best with just the 18 m who wont understand

OP whatever you do, do NOT take him back. You have been so strong and resolute up until now. You have done absolutely brilliantly. You deserve better than the likes of him.

Take care OP. It’s all very easy for us to dish out advice but it’s all coming from a good place. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and you are in the midst of it all. I completely understand what you say about not seeing your children every day. I am 8 years down the line from where you are and still find it hard. Don’t forget not making a decision is making a decision in itself - don’t be rushed or forced. Take care and allow yourself time to think about things. I wish you well :-)

But surely he hasn’t become his old self again when at the same time he’s been messaging the OW and saying he wants to fight for what they have? He’s just playing both of you, trying to keep his life nice and easy. It’s the same old game. He’s just being a bit nicer to your face because he doesn’t want to end up living at his parents or in a shitty bedsit.

I've said it before and I will say it again.

DO NOT MISTAKE HIS ACTIONS FOR FEELINGS

He has an agenda now - to salvage/move on/sweep under the carpet etc
To do this, he has ot placate you and he KNOWS that by being affectionate and saying the right words whilst you are vulnerable, he will get you on side.
He has starved you of affection, you are hungry for it, he is now giving it to you.
He has denied you validation or empathy, so you are here for it, and he is serving it up.

His actions are simply a mechanic for him getting what he needs. He may not even be doing it consciously - but he knows you, he knows what you need so he is facilitating your needs at a surface level so he can move on to phase 2 - the 'trying again' bit.

Please stay angry.

OP - your life, your choices, not anyone’s on here- all I will say having been in a similar situation ( albeit I found out 10 years after) and I stayed is that you won’t ever feel the same, you just don’t - you can get by, it will fade but something kind of dies, I guess it’s the feeling of specialness. So by all means stay and move on if you think that’s best ‘for you’ but just be aware it’s not a matter of that decision has to be final ,and be aware your head will likely move on but your heart probably won’t - I’m 9 years down the line - he’s incredibly sorry and we still get on well but I definitely no longer feel 100% about things - just be aware of this if you decide not to split- there are no rights or wrongs but it’s important to know that things will change in your head and heart , especially if you are an intelligent woman with options and not one of the’desparate for any bloke’ crowd .

Some people can't do anything but take the death by a thousand cuts route - it's absolutely none of our business why OP is choosing that route. It might be a conscious or unconscious decision but it's hers to make alone and no amount of berating, pleading or telling her on this thread will change her mind by those of us with lived experience. OP - I hope you and your DC can come out of this with the least harm done. Greatest of luck

I know you're confused lovely but the way I see it:

• he confessed because he was forced to
• he threatened suicide (which is a known abuse tactics
• he has weaponised your children by threatening custody (and it is malicious because he has told you that, not because it would hurt him too much to see them less)
• he turned on basic affection to manipulate you

It's up to you what to do. But IMO it's better for you and the kids to be 100% happy for 50% of the time than even low level unhappy 100% of the time.

You can only control your time.

I'd bet he wouldn't even go for or change his lige to get 50 50 anyway.

And if you kick him out now, even if you mentally only plan for it to be for say 2 weeks to punish him, once you see what a monster he becomes, you will have no doubt.

Please please don’t worry about your children, they are young and won’t remember very much. It’s better to go now whilst they are young than when they’re teenagers.

Be strong and every time you feel you’re going to falter think of how you will feel when you finally serve him the divorce paper. Xx

Exactly the situation of my friend which I posted yesterday, except her husband managed to spin it out for over three years. Never under-estimate the ability of a dumped spouse to make the whole divorce process absolute hell.

Oh and he won't kill himself. Those who do are rarely the ones announcing it. He is saying that to manipulate you.

Yep, I often see women use the a feared 'custody battle' as an excuse to stay.

Which is ironic, because they need to leave for the sake of their kids.

Hey OP - I have followed this with interest. You have had so much good advice and support from so many of us who have been on the same path. I hope you are feeling buoyed by the support.

I just wanted to add - exH behaved in exactly the same fashion as yours, eventually leaving and returning when the OW called it off. I had no idea OW existed at that time. Everything was my fault. Everything. Couples counselling was weaponised into character assassination (of me). More than two years later, I found the evidence of the OW. And having shown me how much he hated me for years, exH then had the audacity to string out the divorce for three painful years.

You’ll find the strength to call a halt to this - as others have said - his actions are those of a man panicking and trying to exert control, not a man who has suddenly rediscovered his love for his wife and children.

Good luck!
Edited to add: mine was another one who was apparently going to kill himself. The fucker is still walking around, spreading his special brand of misery twenty years later. And his now adult DC have a healthy amount of contempt for him.

How is it a no fault divorce is he’s had an affair? You’re being a mug OP.

All divorces are no fault now.

You only get one life time with a limited amount of time resource, people like your DH know they can manipulate and posters like you OP unfortunately are perfect to do so. Try not to waste your years, you won’t know when your time is up.

I've read every post on here, you're going through so much right now and it must be impossible to see the wood for the trees.

I just wanted to say you can stop a divorce at pretty much any point in the process. Maybe keep looking into it.

I think the plan has changed but the viability of the relationship has remained the same. You aren’t a fool and I can see from your responses today that you get that. You just want the best for you and your children. He’s manipulative so you need to out smart him. I would suggest the following steps.

1. Tell him you can’t attempt to reconcile without the full truth. Your trust in him is 0 right now so to be sure you are going to speak to the OW. Ask him if there is anything he wants to tell you before you do, as this is his last chance to be honest. Hopefully he’ll take the bait and admit the sex. Then he can no longer gaslight you in the future that it wasn’t a physical affair.
2. You still speak to the OW. You tell her you know he lied to her too, and want her version of events because you don’t want to be lied to anymore. You make it clear you are considering divorce because of how you have been treated but tell her he’s threatening to make it nasty with the kids if you do. This leaves her in no doubt about who he is and he will struggle to worm his way back in. Leave it on good terms and wish her the best.
3. Tell him you aren’t sure you can get over it but are willing to try couples counselling. However what he doesn’t know is aim of counselling isn’t to fix the relationship but to get him to agree that it’s over, you both need to put the kids first, and do what’s best for them. Hopefully with a counsellor mediating he will want to come across reasonable. If he thinks there is a chance of reconciliation he is more likely to show you the best of him I.e. let’s separate and you can see the kids x amount etc. Then divorce and making it official is the natural next step. It also gives you the option to actually reconcile should you wish.