DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

Whether they had sex or not is irrelevant, you have seen the betrayal and his love for her in his texts. He has been treating you badly while he was at it and now he deserves a chance because he claims to have stayed away from her bed throughout? And you are believing him?

The bottom line OP, is that he checked out months or years ago, he wouldn’t have put himself in this position if he was content in his relationship, people who valued their relationship won’t entertain advances that can eventually result in an affair. He was playing with fire and enjoying it.

My bet is that he has “switched” back because the OW did not see that little family holiday kindly, she is not stupid, she has realised he was a cheater leading her on so she is gone. Now, wifey at home, the one he is taking for granted wants out too… His love has not returned, men love a good challenge, by showing him you want out you have become that mountain that is still to be climbed and conquered but believe me, the moment you switch back to nice wife mode, he will start missing the trill of the ego trip he had with OW or a new one.

I know a couple who had managed to survive his affair and come out stronger as a couple. He no longer takes her for granted, both know that she knows now she can leave him if she wishes, which has created a new balance and respect in the relationship they didn’t have before but it is not as if all is good, she is now hyper vigilant, she seems to devote a lot of time showing off how great they are together see every single woman as a potential threat. It obviously works for her but… the trust issues he has created for her will never go.

OP a couple of previous posters have mentioned hysterical bonding. Please take some time to look it up as it’s very real (I speak from experience) and I think you’re vulnerable to it now. The feelings it generates are very powerful but they are temporary. Remember that.

You don’t need to do what Mumsnet thinks is right. This is your life and your decision. Some people can and do work their way through infidelity and come out the other side (they have their own communities if you want to find some different opinions). If you want to step away from this thread, take some time with your husband and try individual and couples therapy (I recommend doing both) then that’s an understandable choice. Sometimes it’s hard to walk away from a marriage, especially when there are children involved, without knowing you tried everything you could to make it work.

Having said that you are under no obligation to do that. He cheated, not you. You don’t owe him anything. If you want to try make sure it’s for you, not for your children (though they’ll always be a consideration) and definitely not for him. He’s telling you what you want to hear (the Script is very real too) but you already have evidence that undermines him. Believe me when I say that nothing he says right now can be trusted. Cheats never give you full disclosure right away. Remember how you felt
when you originally posted and how you’ve been feeling for months. If you give him a chance you may go through all that again but worse - is it worth it?

Look after yourself OP x

Honestly OP he sounds so utterly manipulative. Don’t believe what he says. He has shown who he is from his actions, not his words. Treating you like dirt all those month. I am furious on your behalf. You are very vulnerable right now, craving his validation for your feelings.

I would pretend to be open to reconciliation to keep him pleasant but build the strongest possible case for a good divorce outcome for you and your children. You have a lever now, use it.

Don't fall for it!!! You deserve more! He will do it again!!

Wow!! Am lost here op,
So h comes home today, to confess?? Out of the blue, before you had chance to confront him ? I don't understand!!
After very emotional conversation he goes to visit his parents, really op am sorry but why would he need to visit them now at this time when he is trying to save his marriage, but yeah pops out to see parents, sorry am totally lost here,

Op you were planning on confronting him with this but then this happened, how did he get to you before you,

I agree with this completely.

The old “I’ll kill myself then” is a form of emotional
abuse. You might think the old him has been shocked into resurfacing (loving, caring, funny) but he can clearly switch between abusive partner and kind partner as it suits him. Also threatening you with how he will be nasty if you separate…?! He’s still abusing you in front of your eyes and you’re allowing yourself to feel sorry for him and back down to avoid the conflict.

He was still messaging her saying he’d sort it! He’s absolutely playing you. Telling you one thing, her another. Threats to kill himself. Turning on the old charm. Threats to make a divorce nasty…… he’s hedging his bets to see which option comes out better for him. Or biding his time with you (tears, cuddles, confessions) until him and OW can make a plan.

Please do not fall for this. You are such a strong woman. Any improvement to his behaviour is calculated and temporary. You are not a mug!

Im also confused.

-OP comes home. Husband is “grey”
-Admits he’s had an affair / has fallen out with OW over something?
-OP reveals she’s been speaking to solicitors/ seeking divorce?
-Husband loses it. Suicide threats, etc
-He Immediately runs and texts OW and says HE’s filing for divorce from OP and wants to fight for OW?
-OP calms down husband / talks him out of suicide
-They hug, laugh, cry and bond
-OP asks to see husbands phone. Finds today’s messages to OW saying he wants to fight for her. The same shit he just spun to OP.
-Husband pops out to see parents
-OP backs off on the idea of divorce.

have I got that right?

He popped out to see his parents to call her to beg for forgiveness, tell her that things really have hit rock bottom with you and to ask her to give him more time to sort it for the sake of the kids. He will also likely be telling her how he can’t wait for her to become their new mum.

🏃‍♀️ run. Call the solicitor in the morning. The tough love one. She will also show him no mercy.

OP please don’t fall for his bullshit. Chances are he’s realised from your attitude that something’s changed
Threats of suicide are classic manipulation . He hadn’t changed - he’s just changed tactic !

@EmmaThompsonsTears I think that this is very telling:

'and he’s admitted he’d get nasty to fight for custody.'

Even though he has been completely in the wrong with not only the affair, but his cold and cruel treatment of you, he has still admitted that he would get nasty to get custody of his kids. He hasn't changed, he's just in a tricky situation as the other woman is now causing trouble for him so he needs family support and to project the image of an uxorious and caring family man. Maybe his job could be at risk if the OW raises a complaint or a grievance, particularly if he was in a position of power or authority over her at work so he needs the camouflage of a loving wife and two kids.

He is just looking after his own interests once again. You will never be able to trust him again. Remember on holiday when he said multiple times to one of your children that “mummy tripped you up didn’t she?”. That should extinguish any warm feelings that you ever had for him.

If OP has decided to have him back, nothing anyone here says will change her mind. Unfortunately, I imagine like myself, we can see the writing on the wall from experience. OP more than likely wants to keep everything stable for her and the kids and may be for a few weeks/months it will be….Until he drops back in to old ways, she cant get the thoughts replaying in her mind of him and OW to end. This marriage will end. Unfortunately, some women have to ride it out to the end rather than step off and end the ride on her terms I do get it, its tough. I do wish OP all the best, its awful to be cheated on but its going to be a lot worse knowingly living a lie. Been there Unfortunately. Good luck, OP!

I had this with my ex-husband where he threatened that he would fight for full custody, as it was then, for the children. It was nonsense but I knew they were of an age where they would be able to choose. I knew my son would choose me and that my daughter would want to choose me but would feel really guilty and would feel she had to choose her dad. I put up with it for two more years and then found out the affair was still going on, despite promises. I had to be really brave and tell him full custody was not going to happen and that we needed to divorce. It ended up with him seeing the children for a couple of hours a week, his choice alone. He was always being offered more time but was too busy enjoying himself.

and he’s admitted he’d get nasty to fight for custody.

Does he think he’s in Kramer vs Kramer?

There is no such as fighting for custody. He can get up to 50:50, but the court won’t give anyone custody.

Sounds like you may use this as a reason to stay, which would be a shame, as you would fall back into the black hole of eking out this marriage for a few more years.

This is hysterical bonding.
Please remember that you are in therapy because this piece of shit man made you think that you were a bad person for months when actually he was having an affair.
Are you really going to forget all that because he’s ‘sorry’ and very sad now he’s been caught/ ditched by OW?
I know it’s very painful now but if you try to take him back the pain will just be over a longer period of time and you will split eventually (he’ll do it again or it will eat away at you till you eventually dump him).
Stick to the plan and rip off the plaster.

women never forget, what they've forgiven.

People get divorced 25 years later because of affairs people have had it’s just eaten away at them and they’ve wasted 25 years of their lives.

Please, please don't let him get away with this, @EmmaThompsonsTears. Think about what he has subjected you to. Don't believe the bullshit about suicide, either- if he's admitted he'll turn nasty over custody (what a prince!), he's clearly planning to be alive in order to do so.

I really don’t think the op will be back. She maybe feeling threatened by the volume and content of the posts. Think she will be trying to “ salvage” though I think it very sad how she’s being manipulated, with false hope.

She last posted at 8.50 last night so just under 11 hours ago. Given she had to get kids ready for school etc I think she can be forgiven for not posting as quick as some people would like!

The suicide threat is a standard play for time to get you to panic and back down and for him to get his shit together and hide money etc.

DO NOT FALL FOR IT!!

Please don’t fall for his lies, he’s treated you like shit for a year now. Re read your post here, stay strong & kick him to the kerb!!

You certainly can hide cash. He went to see his parents to get them to open a bank account for him. He already has crypto.

OP has fucked up - sorry to say (I did the same)

He has the control now.

Crikey, why has my post about how men hide cash been hidden, instantly? It was just based on my own divorce.

@JamesWebbSpaceTelescope I am not that invested however based on the frequency of prev posts and also the event that happened last night I think it’s pretty big and keeping her busy enough . Perhaps she wants to keep her head straight on whatever she’s decided. I don’t think or expect her to update if it’s intrusive and disturbs her wellbeing!

Also, XH read my mumnet posts - I am sure of it. She should be wary.