DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

Please do not lose your resolve- he is still the prick that treated you dreadfully! He is still the prick that has begged the OW for a 2nd chance- please kick him out! He is a nasty, manipulative puce of shit!

Remember now, you hold all the cards. No doubt his 'affair', with OW must be all round his work and now he wants to come back to you. He's fucked and he knows it, but you must stand firm. I hope is sleeping on the settee! Don't fall for his crocodile tears. And most importantly, take care of yourself!

OP, your husband is most definitely an abusive narcissist.

We have a thread for victims of narcissistic abuse; it's often family members but also partners and ex's.

Every single thing he has done is part of the script for not only a guy wanting out, it's typical narcissistic abuse.

Gaslighting you, lying, little to no empathy for you, no accountability, trauma bonding you, hoovering you back in with bullshit threats of suicide.

If he was that suicidal he'd just do it. That I am sure of. ( I've lost loved ones to suicide). This for him is a manipulation technique.

These people have a personality disorder. It is fixed. Therefore, declarations of change etc are never genuine. The change is always temporary. It is impossible for them not to be CFs and they ALWAYS revert back.

Your best bet is to continue therapy. I've had 15 years worth to try understand narcissistic abusers in my life.

You are trauma bonded to him so will believe bullshit lies and feel comfort in him ' coming back to you '. I can assure you, this relationship will never ever be good for you mentally and physically.

Get yourself and those kids out of this.

He won't want 50/50 for long even if he does get it to begin. The threat is to instil fear in you. It's a narcissistic abuse technique. The key techniques the cuntfucks use are FOG ( Fear, Obligation, Guilt). He will pull every one out the bag.

God you deserve more than this.

Dr Ramani on YouTube gives excellent advice on dealing with narc abusers ( yes he really is one). Your therapist hopefully is familiar with this too and could advise you.

Never ever go to joint therapy with him.

Fuck this noise.

How much of the PND was actually due to him fucking you over, OP? FILE. Don't let him manipulate you again. He's fucked up, he's pulling out every single card. He probably BELIEVES his own oral shite!

Get away from him. I never comment on these threads and I'm sorry if I've missed a bit jumping in a page early, but I can't with this particular comment, it's like they haven't read any of your posts!

Oh my god OP don’t be pulled back in by this awful man.

I agree, he is likely busy hiding cash.
Scum that he is.

You cannot trust him, you would be a fool to I am afraid.

Oh for fucks sake, OP, have you no self esteem?

OP I’m absolutely gutted you’ve been talked around this easily 😢 he is manipulating you, I wish you could see it. He doesn’t deserve you or your kids.

You can hide cash and gift cards, though @EmmaThompsonsTears and I’d seriously consider starting to do that.

I wish I had.

he was trying to crawl back into her good books after I told him we’d be divorcing

Sorry what now?
The second you told him it was over he went back to her and what, told her he’d chosen her? @EmmaThompsonsTears is this not the most deeply hurtful thing he’s done? C’mon, be the queen you are and don’t fall for this shit. If you want to reconcile he needs to 100% transparently and irrevocably end it with her in front of you, own his behaviour, and spend the rest of his life making it up to you. He’s a liar and a fraud and he’s absolutely playing you, don’t let him! It’s sooo hard to walk away when he’s finally throwing you the crumbs you wanted so desperately but he’s hedging his backs to go back to her / have both of you / go out and file for divorce himself.
Fuck’im.

Totally agree with this. Its exactly what happened when my ex confessed. the tears the begging, it was a mistake, he wanted to make it right with me, right down to the suicide threats. He spilled out emotions, feelings and stuff that he never revealed to me before. He was warm, affectionate and bizarrely I felt closer to him than I had in years. It was like the old relationship had burnt to the ground and like a Phoenix a new one grew out of the fire. But it didn’t last. overtime that initial rebirth faded and I had the niggling sense that he was back to his old tricks. I did some real detective work and found that he was still talking to OW. It had never really ended. When I confronted him and he knew it was over for good, he turned nasty. He followed the script to a Tee.

I’d really like for you to have a happy ending and it all work out, but I’ve seen this play out in my own life and in the lives of so many other people I know. All I will say is keep your cards close to your chest and keep the script at the back of your mind. Don’t reveal what your plans were, or how you went about finding out or how you gathered information. You will need this in your back pocket if it happens again. Remember, he is not your friend. What he did to you is not what friends do to each other. For a while you were the outsider, the enemy in his mind, and you will be again if he goes back to her or finds someone else. When they meet someone else it’s them against you.

So, let me get this straight.

He cheated on you, lied to you and betrayed you, as well as treating you like shit for months on end, then manipulates you by threatening you with suicide or a nasty custody battle, and somehow YOU end up comforting HIM and cuddling and laughing?

He's done a number on you OP, and you need to recognise you are being manipulated. None of this is genuine. He's playing you.

Thank fuck for that. I thought he’d successfully manipulated you there, @EmmaThompsonsTears. Because what he’s done there is ‘confess’ (of course they shagged) before his pissed off OW told you out of spite.

All he’s given you here is self pity, bullshit threats of suicide (they never kill themselves), arrogant affection that he’s been withholding, alongside a big dose of menace as to how he’ll get nasty to fight for the kids.

Nasty? To you? The actual victim in this shitshow?

You’ll probably find he gets a bit cocky now, possibly even tries to sleep with you. He’ll be forceful and overly familiar (shocking for you after such a long and cold spell of cruelty) and it’ll be rushed because he is going to be enjoying thinking he’s been very clever. He’ll be trying the same with the OW by the way. His arrogance will be because he thinks he’s successfully duped you.

Show him how wrong he is.

You listen to me and you listen tight @EmmaThompsonsTears
My parents went through this up & down crap, my dad cheating, verbally abusing my mum from the time they married at 23 until they were 60!!
Do NOT make my mother’s mistake and keep believing a man who lie and mistreat you for the next 40+ years.
It isn’t just that you’re smarter than that.
Ir’s that you deserve so much better than that.
Sending love ❤️

DO NOT DELAY FILING FOR THE DIVORCE.

This changes NOTHING, other than giving him a chance to get in there first. YOU file them tomorrow, without delay. He's playing you, manipulating you. He's a cunt of the highest order.

On one hand he's begging and telling you he'll kill himself if you leave, but not before he'll get nasty with custody for the kids.

How do those 2 align? They don't.

Manipulation through and through.

This.

❤️❤️

Record your conversations.
I believe you said that he has money but don’t know where it is, now is the time to ask.

Don't assume the OP had it deleted. By saying you don't believe it you are troll hunting, which is banned on MN. It could have been MNHQ deleting without any report, someone else could have reported it.

I'm not going to report this post of yours, which is also troll hunting. I'll leave that to others if they wish. I'll let PPs see what you're doing.

Well I dont know if anyone else did, but happy to stand up and say that I reported it for troll hunting.

Now you know.

Threatening suicide, threatening to take your children, sleeping with another woman and only crawling back because she’s dumped him. I hope your last post means you’ve not been seduced by a hug from the devil. I know it probably felt like it took all the pain away but it’s putting a plaster over a whole future of misery. Do as you will op but keep your eyes wide open. This man will ruin you if you stay with him.

Also agree with pp, none of this charade to get back in your good books is anything to do with you and the kids. He needs a woman in his life and he’s ideally have ow but if she’s off the table he’ll settle for you. He’s lept straight into action when he thought you were leaving. Here’s what’s going to happen op. Ow will calm down and agree to reconcile, he’ll then drop you like a hot potato. Mark my words, this story doesn’t end here in a fairy tale, he’s SO OBVIOUS! Please see!