Random Message DH Affair Part2

[basilbush]

Hi all

Link to previous thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344952-random-message-saying-dh-affair?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

TLDR: I got a WhatsApp telling me DH (by name) was having an affair. The ‘proof’ was very suspect and I didn’t believe it. Went through it all with DH who denies it all and the messages turned to some insults.
We believed it was someone with malicious intent.

Im sorry I didn’t start a thread straight away-I didn’t want to start one and then not have the time to keep it up to date as yesterday was really busy. So some progress has been made:
-After being super certain the baby shower wasn’t put online I’ve discounted the woman from work. I’ve also found out that she’s moved back to her home country on the other side of the world so unlikely.
-I know people were unsure why I thought my college friend was the link. Essentially one of the insults I got sent was quite personal and about something I used to be quite insecure of when I was younger (not so much now) and college friend was aware of it.

I was still fairly certain it isn’t FROM her as I just can’t square that off but it seems to be too much of a coincidence that she was at the baby shower, has access to me online and knows about this thing.

We told PIL everything when they dropped kids off yesterday and DH said that he was supposedly with this woman that time I was at the baby shower-they completely backed him up that he was with them the whole time and couldn’t believe someone could be so vindictive. I felt bad we told them as they were quite upset about it all.

Back to college friend. We decided yesterday morning to follow Colleen’s lead and I posted a Facebook status viewable just to her along the lines of ‘absolutely devastated. Nearly 20 years only to be betrayed-anyone know a good solicitor?’ (Note, I would never normally share something so private!!).

We figured if it was her, I’d get a WhatsApp message mocking me or full of smugness. We could see she’d be been online lots through the day but we didn’t get anything from the number.

Then this morning I get a WhatsApp from her (using the number she used in the baby shower group) saying she’d seen my status, was so sorry and wondered if I was around for a catch up as she’s a bit worried about a few things and needs to talk to me.

Ive obviously tried to ask questions but she’s just asked if we could meet. We’ve got a few kids activities this morning but I’m meeting her at 2 for a drink and to see what she has to say.

Sorry, that was really long! And please don’t worry, this hasn’t completely taken over our weekend-we took kids to soft play party, had a nice bbq and this morning are going swimming. But I’m determined to find out what this is all about.

That’s how I understood it. They were have a nosey together and whilst the college friend went to the loo she left the phone with the other person to continue gawping. They were mates and I presume she thought that her friend wouldn’t go into her contacts or start looking outside of the app.

Yes if this is the series of events she wouldn’t need to unlock it, agree though with posters that say it was weird to leave the phone with her- especially when CF reported EL became progressively more unhinged.

I think CF was possibly less passive in the events than she’s implying unless she’s a complete push over and completely bulldozed by EL.

I can see why OP wouldn’t want to report somebody she pities and I completely agree I also feel sorry for the women as it’s a long time to hang on to anger and it all sounds horrible. But if she’s a teacher and this unhinged I would report it as she could be putting parents and teachers and children by proxy at risk. She also clearly needs help. Also if you make CF aware of your intentions to report it will force her hand if she has been more involved than she’s admitting.

No one would lose their teaching career for this. It's a massive jump to say she's putting children and parents at risk.

It's an unpleasant experience for OP but truly, teachers get up to far worse in their private lives and a few nasty texts aren't going to result in them being struck off or eve brought before the police.
OP as already spoken to the police.

Bringing a school into disrepute or breaching a social media policy can be grounds for disciplinary action requiring sanction if it is found there is a potential case to answer. Fitness to practice includes the implied contractual term usually that those in positions of trust, also apply minimum acceptable professional standards out with a place of work. Not to mention potential for any police caution (doesn’t look likely now) being advised to employer. It is incorrect to say no one can be dismissed for these types of incidents. In reality, it would be case specific and depend.
Overall it is extremely poor conduct for a teacher to act the way she has with or without any sanction.

I think the police have more on their hands than this. And it would only bring the school into disrepute if it was brought to court.

People would really report a teacher for sending a message?

Imagine if we reported everyone every time someone sent a slightly spiteful message 😅

Meanwhile, in the real world....

El knew OP’s name.

It would have taken a mere 30 seconds for her to come out of Facebook/Insta, go into the contacts on CF’s phone, find OP’s number and save it (or screenshot it) on her phone.

Love it, OP! 😂

Again, CF freely admitted she got basils FB & Instagram up and they were scrolling through together. And that she left her scrolling. Why would she say she left her scrolling if what she meant was "she hacked into my phone"? If she wanted to lie to protect herself, she'd have said that.

So she'd already seen what she needed to see, all she had to do, while she had free access, was find her number.

None of this is rocket science, you're both just trying really hard to pick holes in a story where basil has already said she suspects CF may have done more joint stalking than she's admitted to, but CF has admitted to leaving her unlocked phone in the hands of someone else in the midst of a FB stalk.

As I’ve said. It takes someone a few minutes to go to the toilet.

As El knew OP’s name, it would’ve taken a mere 30 seconds to go straight into CF’s contacts and find OP’s name and number and save it/screenshot it to her own phone. Takes longer than 30 seconds to go to the toilet.

Nobody is "picking holes". Those who were troll hunting have been deleted. It's an odd story, though, and querying some of the details isn't being picky, it's just trying to unravel the whys and the wherefors. My opinion is that CF is perhaps more culpable than she lets on, but who knows.

The CF story doesn’t make sense to me for the reasons in my last post (i.e. El being confident enough in presuming that the husband hadn’t been looking after the kids during the baby shower to use this as an example of when he had been with an OW).

But I also can’t imagine anyone leaving their phone with anyone who had been recently been ‘more unreasonable and unhinged’ as stated in a post by the OP above. Especially when you have SM on your phone. They could also be reading your messages! I don’t have anything exciting on mine but they’re still private.

I honestly despair at the state of some adults' reading comprehension. Multiple questions asking what OP had already explained perfectly clearly. It isn't "performing mental gymnastics"....it is an unusual story but perfectly plausible and yet we've still all had to wade through multiple posts of "Hang on, how did El know who you were?" and other questions that have already been answered.

Could I politely ask that some posters stop using bold to make a point, because it suggests that anyone with a different opinion is stupid and needs help understanding.

So here you are insulting posters' intelligence.
You and others may think something is perfectly clear but that doesn't mean you've understood, any more or any less that someone who disagrees.

You don't need to wade through anything. Skim read or don't come to the thread.

Maybe you need to read the thread.

A lot of people are poorly educated with very poor reading comprehension and do need help understanding, as demonstrated every day on mumsnet. Sometimes you need to draw attention to very simple facts quite clearly to help them.

It's not reading comprehension, rather it's asking for clarity about the timeline or the nature of relationships. In a fast moving thread it's easy to miss some detail. Surely that's more intelligent than just passively accepting what appear to be inconsistencies.

The truth is it's a patronising way of trying to make a point. Unnecessary.
Many of us here have degrees and are highly literate but it doesn't mean we agree with everyone else.

Mine only shuts down if the screen is idle. As long as you continue scrolling it stays open.

Lucky for El that the old friend who hasn’t met DH presumably had OP’s name listed under her married name. She has one super power in recognising a background face from 20 years ago that’s potentially undergone some form of physical change (and is being stuffed with cake). Another superpower in grabbing a phone before it locks and thinking of a plan on the spot to torment OP, requiring her number.

Remembering OP’s maiden name could be a superpower too far, but who knows. Personally, I have my old mates listed under their first names which might have thrown El’s snooping. Although, my phone locks in 5 seconds and I never leave it behind anywhere anyway.

I have to admit I would be wary of CF in the future. You had a suspicion she was a link in it although defended her ‘niceness’ which I’m thinking may be more on the surface.
The excuse of El getting the info from the phone whilst CF was in the toilets bugs me. In this time she made the decision not only to snoop through all past pics (including school/college) but sent a photo of your DH from your profile pics to herself from CF’s phone and your mobile number. I doubt CF was in the loos that long to do all that! I think there was more conspiring than you think and also very likely CF told her about your chat.

As much as I hate to be that person...are you not using bold to make your own point ? 😂

I see the debate continues. Sadly no Tom Hardy dreams for me.

i think every question that has been asked I’ve already answered..?

No more on the WhatsApp other than an ‘ok’ to the message we sent last night