Random Message DH Affair Part2

[basilbush]

Hi all

Link to previous thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344952-random-message-saying-dh-affair?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

TLDR: I got a WhatsApp telling me DH (by name) was having an affair. The ‘proof’ was very suspect and I didn’t believe it. Went through it all with DH who denies it all and the messages turned to some insults.
We believed it was someone with malicious intent.

Im sorry I didn’t start a thread straight away-I didn’t want to start one and then not have the time to keep it up to date as yesterday was really busy. So some progress has been made:
-After being super certain the baby shower wasn’t put online I’ve discounted the woman from work. I’ve also found out that she’s moved back to her home country on the other side of the world so unlikely.
-I know people were unsure why I thought my college friend was the link. Essentially one of the insults I got sent was quite personal and about something I used to be quite insecure of when I was younger (not so much now) and college friend was aware of it.

I was still fairly certain it isn’t FROM her as I just can’t square that off but it seems to be too much of a coincidence that she was at the baby shower, has access to me online and knows about this thing.

We told PIL everything when they dropped kids off yesterday and DH said that he was supposedly with this woman that time I was at the baby shower-they completely backed him up that he was with them the whole time and couldn’t believe someone could be so vindictive. I felt bad we told them as they were quite upset about it all.

Back to college friend. We decided yesterday morning to follow Colleen’s lead and I posted a Facebook status viewable just to her along the lines of ‘absolutely devastated. Nearly 20 years only to be betrayed-anyone know a good solicitor?’ (Note, I would never normally share something so private!!).

We figured if it was her, I’d get a WhatsApp message mocking me or full of smugness. We could see she’d be been online lots through the day but we didn’t get anything from the number.

Then this morning I get a WhatsApp from her (using the number she used in the baby shower group) saying she’d seen my status, was so sorry and wondered if I was around for a catch up as she’s a bit worried about a few things and needs to talk to me.

Ive obviously tried to ask questions but she’s just asked if we could meet. We’ve got a few kids activities this morning but I’m meeting her at 2 for a drink and to see what she has to say.

Sorry, that was really long! And please don’t worry, this hasn’t completely taken over our weekend-we took kids to soft play party, had a nice bbq and this morning are going swimming. But I’m determined to find out what this is all about.

Enjoy your week OP. Hopefully baby reindeer contemplating her life choices. Doesn’t surprise me sorry not really sorry the outcome. Any decent person doesn’t set out to destroy other people’s lives. DH dodged a bullet and OP you handled a tough situation magnanimously and with class.

I wont go into all the detail but it was essentially an apology-albeit I would say not sounding overly remorseful… sort of explained that life was hard at the moment and asking us not to take this further. Weirdly never actually identifying herself but taking it as read that we know who she is

Looks like CF has gone back and told El about her convo with you. El realised that the game is up. Sounds like CF and El are pretty close to each other. I would not trust either.

Baby reindeer
😆 🤣 😂
This made me howl!

Thank you. Mind you, the joke was on her. She'd booked the pair of them into the 5 star sister hotel of our 4 star honeymoon hotel, but it was actually a good distance away. We checked out the facilities at the 5 star and decided that we preferred those at our hotel. We didn't bump into them once, so she spent all that money for nothing.

I mainly had bits of cattiness over the years. I couldn't avoid her completely because they had kids who were adults and had left home at the time of the breakup and there were times that we encountered her and her boyfriend at social events. Things apparently mellowed when my husband (now deceased) became unwell and I became his carer. (We had nearly 27 years of marriage.)

Her behaviour became weird again around the time of his funeral - in spite of the fact that she was by then with Man Number 4. It happened during lockdown and I was asked whether she could attend to represent their kids and grandchild.

I readily agreed. By then, we seemed to have a much more civilised relationship - her 3rd partner was DH's best pal - and I'd expected her to want to attend anyway. Looking back, she'd continued to be manipulative, however.

The final straw was when she turned up on my doorstep three days after the funeral, intent on persuading me to have the ashes scattered in a place of her choosing.

Anyway, that's done with now and I'm merailing. I was just trying to emphasise that there are indeed some women who behave in weird and wonderful ways.

Very well said.

I think you’re right, she’s probably seen the thread. If she hasn’t, I expect it will be in the Daily Mail tomorrow. In any case it must be a relief to be able to draw a line under the past couple of days. The bizarre behaviour that is described on MN (the Relationships section in particular) never ceases to amaze me.

I wouldn’t be so quick to believe CF. I’d presume that a person’s DH would be the one looking after the DC when the DW is out, so why did El, knowing you have kids, think he’d be away from them during the baby shower (and able to meet someone else) rather than looking after them. And how would El know when the baby shower was if CF just showed a photo of a dress she’d worn, it could have been last year or last week. CF might have mentioned that part but it wasn’t posted on your SM. Apologies if this doesn’t make sense, I’m tired!

"Essentially one of the insults I got sent was quite personal and about something I used to be quite insecure of when I was younger (not so much now) and college friend was aware of it."

Op, thank you for your patience in answering questions. The above quote is confusing to me. The insult you got in the message was something that CF knew you were insecure about? But how did EL know about this insecurity? Did CF tell her about it? This suggests that you and CF were close.

And why do you think these women were both so obsessed with you that they both held onto this information for 20 years? Most of us don't remember the details of people who aren't close to us because we have so much life to get on with. I would have thought that El has been so preoccupied with her fertility struggles that she probably never gave you a moment's thought (until she saw your photo - at least that is what you suggest).

Are you suggesting that El was still obsessed with your DH despite getting married to a man who wanted to have a child with her and tried for all those years?

This thread is taking up too much of my headspace. I shall probably dream about it while you dream about Tom Hardy. Enjoy.

This

Op I think she'll be on to you now.

You can tell. My friend and I tested it a few months ago.

The thing is, tropes like that usually exist because they do actually happen. It may be rare, but you do hear of this kind of thing in women in real life from time to time - not usually sending fake texts to people but just being self-destructive and hitting out irrationally.

And when it does it's very dramatic and a compelling story as we can see from this thread! So great for a film plot.

Sorry - the poster you quoted mentioned something THTRTC - what is that an acronym for? It's driving me crazy and I can't find their original post.

@basilbush You're a better person than me, because I'd be informing her employer about this in writing.

I very much doubt that they and the parents would be impressed by this behaviour. You want your child's teacher to have some integrity and be honest. She lacks these traits and is old enough to know better.

So, to the old EX GF... you're VERY LUCKY you're not facing disciplinary action. I'm sure bringing the school/local authority into disrepute is potentially gross misconduct. I used to work in schools HR and this is more than enough to lose your job over.

It's immature, nasty and vindictive. Shame on you. Count yourself lucky.

"The Hand That Rocks The Cradle" I pressume.

For sure CF rang El straight away. Nothing to do with seeing this thread at all.

@basilbush Thanks for the updates! What an ending - go wagatha! 😂

I actually suspect that El has stalked your DH online and has known exactly who you are for years. I can believe she somewhat orchestrated the whole thing about the dress - especially if she spotted you in the baby shower images on CF page. She sounds pretty spiteful, and it’s not excusable by her own struggles - you’re very gracious to be so generous towards her.
I couldn’t have resisted replying by name but keeping the mystery about it is a good tactic. She knows, but she doesn’t KNOW you know.
Time for a mass blocking of her on all platforms I’d say.

OP gave an example in another comment which might help.
She basically said imagine something you can see in a photo such as a lazy eye. Then imagine it not being there as an adult because it’s been ‘corrected’. I’d guess from that, El made a comment about said feature (probably unkind) and CF perhaps said - yes she used to be insecure about this (or similar). That’s my take anyway 🙃

Confused as to how you know this, if OP has name changed as she says?

Sometimes if you report a thread as being not genuine, MNHQ occasionally reply with this kind of information as reassurance. So it could be that?

I did think this but it would have been helpful if MN posted on the actual thread if this is the case 🤔 Otherwise it's just the word of another random poster!

Er.... think you might want to have a little look on that phone to see what he's hiding?!

So I wouldn't put my phone in my handbag in my own home (they were at CFs).
If a friend was looking at something on my phone while sat on my sofa, I would leave them be if I nipped for a wee. There's nothing to hide on my phone so unless I knew they were a nutter (presume CF didn't know El was a bit crazy) I wouldn't think twice about it.

As an aside, I have a handbag but I often don't use it. Stick my phone in my pocket, keys in the other, off I go.

Thanks for keeping us updated OP. I am so glad it all worked out well for you and your DH and your marriage is rock solid.

What an ending! I think CF told EL she met up with OP and basically told her what the hell did she think she was playing at. Hence why OP got another text apologising. She's probably panicking she's going to be disciplined at work. She is severely unhinged, and probably should be reported.

I don't think the issue is whether or not you use a handbag, but how usual it is for others to have ready access to your phone. CF clearly didn't mind that El did, which was a mistake.