Random Message DH Affair Part2

[basilbush]

Hi all

Link to previous thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344952-random-message-saying-dh-affair?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

TLDR: I got a WhatsApp telling me DH (by name) was having an affair. The ‘proof’ was very suspect and I didn’t believe it. Went through it all with DH who denies it all and the messages turned to some insults.
We believed it was someone with malicious intent.

Im sorry I didn’t start a thread straight away-I didn’t want to start one and then not have the time to keep it up to date as yesterday was really busy. So some progress has been made:
-After being super certain the baby shower wasn’t put online I’ve discounted the woman from work. I’ve also found out that she’s moved back to her home country on the other side of the world so unlikely.
-I know people were unsure why I thought my college friend was the link. Essentially one of the insults I got sent was quite personal and about something I used to be quite insecure of when I was younger (not so much now) and college friend was aware of it.

I was still fairly certain it isn’t FROM her as I just can’t square that off but it seems to be too much of a coincidence that she was at the baby shower, has access to me online and knows about this thing.

We told PIL everything when they dropped kids off yesterday and DH said that he was supposedly with this woman that time I was at the baby shower-they completely backed him up that he was with them the whole time and couldn’t believe someone could be so vindictive. I felt bad we told them as they were quite upset about it all.

Back to college friend. We decided yesterday morning to follow Colleen’s lead and I posted a Facebook status viewable just to her along the lines of ‘absolutely devastated. Nearly 20 years only to be betrayed-anyone know a good solicitor?’ (Note, I would never normally share something so private!!).

We figured if it was her, I’d get a WhatsApp message mocking me or full of smugness. We could see she’d be been online lots through the day but we didn’t get anything from the number.

Then this morning I get a WhatsApp from her (using the number she used in the baby shower group) saying she’d seen my status, was so sorry and wondered if I was around for a catch up as she’s a bit worried about a few things and needs to talk to me.

Ive obviously tried to ask questions but she’s just asked if we could meet. We’ve got a few kids activities this morning but I’m meeting her at 2 for a drink and to see what she has to say.

Sorry, that was really long! And please don’t worry, this hasn’t completely taken over our weekend-we took kids to soft play party, had a nice bbq and this morning are going swimming. But I’m determined to find out what this is all about.

Well I'm petty and would think nothing of having DH text her something serious/nasty to embarrass her.

Or reply with her name and a copy and paste solictor style/chat gpt written warning letter about malicious communications. Saying if she contacts in any form again it will be escalated and shared with her workplace and it's logged with the police.

Also a shame about college friend but block and delete her off socials! Just in case crazy friend tries to log into her account or guilt trip her or something to keep getting information.
How awful. Make sure she doesn't have the in laws on social media from years ago...

It makes perfect sense. I am tired of people trying to pick holes in the story.

I thought the OP had explained it well. However, I read recently that the average adult in the UK has a reading age of 9-11, which I think the comments on here are a testament to.

@Matronic6love this!!
i don’t see why OP is getting such a hard time. If people are that bothered - don’t follow the post!

Wow - this wins the Internet!
Glad all is solid with you and DH.

So glad to hear that you got to the bottom of it OP and that your DH was innocent in it all. Did he divulge any info about El when he went out with her? She’s probably always had tendencies to be vindictive but I guess given her recent events, you were a scape goat for her bitterness.

You must definitely respond back to her messages calling her out as she is getting some sort of pleasure thinking she’s causing trouble in your marriage and that you have no idea of her identity. Tell her you know it’s El Baker (or whatever her name is) and thankfully your marriage is so stable, her malicious lies have been fruitless. Also a good idea to warn her you’ve logged the harassment with the police. Then block.

On a far lower scale, when we were about to get married, one of DH's old uni friends sent him an email saying that he couldn't possibly marry me. Because she has always known they were destined to be together and he had to break off his engagement to me to marry her. And if he didn't do that, she would have no choice but to go to New Zealand to get over him, as if her going traveling was some kind of threat. What she didn't know was that because he was away with the army, I was monitoring his emails and replying to things for him (with his permission). I politely let her know that we had discussed and agreed with her that her plan to travel was a far better idea than her suggestion.

People do some seriously unhinged stuff when they think the universe owes them something.

I agree. I have multiple user names which I use dependent on the situation

How very satisfying! It seems there are a lot of unhinged ex’s out there based on the stories being offered up.

When I started seeing my ex, his ex was the same - she kept turning up places we were and then said we couldn’t touch or kiss because it was hurtful to her. She had, however, cheated on him multiple times and was living with another bf at the time we got together which was several years later. She also turned up at his uni dorms when I was there - she went to uni in a different country. I think she thought she could turn up and win him over when I wasn’t around. This went on pretty much for our entire relationship. Thing was that my ex was a dickhead and I’ve no idea why she would be so hung up. When I broke up with him I never spoke to him again unless I bumped into him in town in which case I was courteous. He certainly wasn’t worth travelling to other countries for!

I agree that those who said that those who don’t believe it should just log off. If I think a thread is daft I just move on. It makes perfect sense and I’ve known enough unhinged people to know that it is very likely true. But where is OP with our updates! @basilbush have you spoke to her again?? I am worried you might be working tomorrow and I’ll have to wait until tomorrow night for updates.

I agree you might not want to land your friend in it, but equally it seems she wants to distance herself from her unhinged mate otherwise she wouldn’t have told you in the first place.

In the intervening hours this has been clarified many times, thanks

Yep, we're all guilty of the gossipy online ex stalking aren't we?!

Also I wouldn't blame your friend for initially indulging it as it kept the topic off infertility and babies.

I feel sorry for El/Lizzie: Imagine what frame of mind she must be in to do this. Infertility can be shockingly destructive. I feel really sorry for yourself and your husband. I'm glad you carefully considering next moves, and thinking of the impact on her future. It's really kind of you.

Don't take any nonsense from her going forward though!

Yes, that's true.

oh no! I hope that has all stopped now - what a nightmare.

Will you message her to say you know she ys lying etc. or will you just block her?

Thanks for the update OP and ignore the people that can't follow a few posts...

It's weird how life turns out. To me the oddest thing is that presumably, El is a similar age as you and DH, yet came out with all this "bae" stuff and text slang, that she must've known he wouldn't use, so seemed almost jokey like she didn't actually expect you to believe those messages? Did you tell CF everything El had said?

El presumably knew that OP went out with this guy after she did, but wouldn't have necessarily known that they stayed together for 20 years and got married.

Wow that really is another level of crazzy

I assume El has little to no chance of meeting someone new and progressing a relationship to the point of having a child, either naturally or via IVF?

It does make me wonder what her end game was here, did she simply want "revenge" and to split your relationship up (as she wrongly thinks you did to her when she was with your DH) and destroy your family unit. Or more unhinged, did she think as an ex she could bump into your newly single DH, and win him back, in the hope of having a child together, or claiming yours as her step DC with "the one that got away" and making the best of that as her family.

Either way, the fact she was so ready and willing to destroy the family unit and forever negatively affect the lives of two little innocent kids, how evil of her.

Edited to add i just clocked she's a teacher, so she no doubt experiences children from split up families and is well aware how it can affect them, even worse!

Also true

Thank you so much for the update. Very impressive detective work to get to the source of this so quickly. Very worrying that there is a crazy person out there trying to destroy lives and relationships. Wishing you all the best in dealing with this and very glad to hear your OH definitely wasn't cheating.

Thanks so much for all the messages-i have read every post and there are some absolutely crazy people out there from other peoples experiences!

Sorry I’ve been in and out of this thread but trying to have an evening and we’ve just watched the season finale of Mobland-I could smother Tom Hardy in jam and just eat him up!!

DH and I had a long conversation and they seemed to have a pretty normal relationship with none of the behaviour she seems to have displayed recently.

We were weighing up what to do-decided to send a firm but sympathetic message along the lines of those suggested-we had decided not to update the police but make it clear we would if it continued…and we’re writing out our reply when we got another message from her!

I wont go into all the detail but it was essentially an apology-albeit I would say not sounding overly remorseful… sort of explained that life was hard at the moment and asking us not to take this further. Weirdly never actually identifying herself but taking it as read that we know who she is

I suspect from what she has written that she has actually found this thread rather than CF telling her. We replied with our firm message, slightly tweaked so it reads as a reply.

If she has found this thread as I suspect then I think I can hold my head high that I haven’t spoken badly of her and have tried to be sympathetic. If she is reading this, she’ll know it has been logged with the police and is aware we will go back with her name if we hear anything else.

I hope she can recalibrate and try and find something positive to focus on. It is so hard when you think life is leading you down one path and then for whatever reason, the road pivots and you have to adjust the whole rest of your life in your head.

Right, I’m off to dream of Tom Hardy.

It’s a UK population level statistic.
It’s a tragedy.
But I doubt many on here fit into that category as they all look fairly literate (assuming you know what that means?) to me as they’ve followed a fairly complex plot thread. And posted (mainly) grammatically correct responses, too.

I wouldn't say this was a 'fairly complex' thread. I thought OP explained the situation well. I am bemused by the amount of people expressing confusion and doubt with questions that the OP has already given the answers to.

I think I’ll be dreaming of Tom Hardy too @basilbush, I’m so pleased you and DH have a great marriage and El apologied 😊

I'm glad you got to the bottom of it.
Wagatha would be proud 👏 😆 🍻

Edited to add... have a lovely sleep about Mr Hardy and the jam 😆 🍯😉