Random Message DH Affair Part2

[basilbush]

Hi all

Link to previous thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344952-random-message-saying-dh-affair?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

TLDR: I got a WhatsApp telling me DH (by name) was having an affair. The ‘proof’ was very suspect and I didn’t believe it. Went through it all with DH who denies it all and the messages turned to some insults.
We believed it was someone with malicious intent.

Im sorry I didn’t start a thread straight away-I didn’t want to start one and then not have the time to keep it up to date as yesterday was really busy. So some progress has been made:
-After being super certain the baby shower wasn’t put online I’ve discounted the woman from work. I’ve also found out that she’s moved back to her home country on the other side of the world so unlikely.
-I know people were unsure why I thought my college friend was the link. Essentially one of the insults I got sent was quite personal and about something I used to be quite insecure of when I was younger (not so much now) and college friend was aware of it.

I was still fairly certain it isn’t FROM her as I just can’t square that off but it seems to be too much of a coincidence that she was at the baby shower, has access to me online and knows about this thing.

We told PIL everything when they dropped kids off yesterday and DH said that he was supposedly with this woman that time I was at the baby shower-they completely backed him up that he was with them the whole time and couldn’t believe someone could be so vindictive. I felt bad we told them as they were quite upset about it all.

Back to college friend. We decided yesterday morning to follow Colleen’s lead and I posted a Facebook status viewable just to her along the lines of ‘absolutely devastated. Nearly 20 years only to be betrayed-anyone know a good solicitor?’ (Note, I would never normally share something so private!!).

We figured if it was her, I’d get a WhatsApp message mocking me or full of smugness. We could see she’d be been online lots through the day but we didn’t get anything from the number.

Then this morning I get a WhatsApp from her (using the number she used in the baby shower group) saying she’d seen my status, was so sorry and wondered if I was around for a catch up as she’s a bit worried about a few things and needs to talk to me.

Ive obviously tried to ask questions but she’s just asked if we could meet. We’ve got a few kids activities this morning but I’m meeting her at 2 for a drink and to see what she has to say.

Sorry, that was really long! And please don’t worry, this hasn’t completely taken over our weekend-we took kids to soft play party, had a nice bbq and this morning are going swimming. But I’m determined to find out what this is all about.

i'm aware thanks.

but that isn't the same as all the OP's 30 or so posts being on a single thread, instead of having to be across 2 or more because everyone else is filling up a 1000 post thread with their crap.

Meanwhile, you are talking about something completely unrelated to the OPs thread, on the OPs thread, helping to fill it up...

The thing I don’t quite get is how CF made the bridge between OP posting on FB about needing a divorce solicitor and dodgy ‘your H is having an affair’ behaviour from EL?

This is a good question. CF didn't know that the "divorce" post was a result of El's actions because she didn't know that El had taken any action.

that's why i think CF hasn't been entirely honest with the OP.

but really, if you haven't spoken to someone in 20 years, have a bitch fest with your friend about that person, stop the convo because your friend is being a bit.. weird, then that person messages you out of the blue the next day, and posts what they did on FB.. wouldn't you suspect it might be to do with the weird convo about them with your friend the night before?

I don't know why people find this story so unbelievable. It is perfectly believable to me. Anyway, could you give the trollhunting a rest, as it is against the forum rules.

Well yes, and if her instant response to a divorce announcement was that “omg El must have contacted op and made up some sort of cheating allegations” why on earth would she have left this nutter alone with her phone?

OP just to say it's stories like yours that keep MN so great! A proper life-altering moment, one of the most personal things to deal with put on full view (it's compelling reading to see into someone's life like that), then a full on whodunit, and - wonderfully - a fully resolved, happy ending.

I'm so glad you kept trusting your husband, it's a pretty crazy thing to go through, what a rollercoaster!

Thanks so much for keeping us all updated. You can't win on mumsnet, but I've personally loved this story!

Of course she's invested in it, someone tried to cause trouble in her marriage.

Well the thing that doesn't sit right with me is your friend leaving her phone with El Crazy. Why the hell would you do that when someone is going on a rant about your another friend? I would leave my phone with 3 people in my life, dp, ds & ddil. No way would I leave my phone with a person going on a rant about a friend to go through her social media. Your friend cf sound more complicit than she is admitting. I feel for you and your husband, I'm so glad you got to the bottom of it. I've no advice for the urine issue but you could join a FB group call Secrets of a cleaning lady. They give some pretty good advice about stuff like this but like everything, you have to pick and choose what you do.

Thanks for the updates, what a ride! Glad you found the culprit and I’m glad you and your DH have worked through it and communicated so well. Please update on how you call EI out, even if not reported you need to let her know that you know. CF may beat you to it, but I want to know !!!!!

I think we are of the same age and I would leave my phone with a friend whilst I went to the bathroom.

I would imagine she recognized OP from when she was dating OP's DH and attended work events where OP was also present.

Before you think about being nice to her imagine if you had believed her and binned your husband or if you had told him and he had gone spare and accused you of not believing him. Your marriage could have been put in jeopardy and just because she has personal problems it was pure evil of her to target you in such a despicable manner.

I would reply with just writing her real name and an eyeroll emoji and then block.

This needs to go to the police. Calling you a slut and lying about your marriage falls under the remit of malicious communications and she has done it before.

Without curbing her, she may cause untold issues for you, stuff you may not even know she is responsible for.

Failing that, a solicitors letter setting out what you know and how you know it so she is aware that she has had her last chance.

I don’t know why some people are finding this story unbelievable. I know several people who’ve undergone IVF unsuccessfully, several who’ve been dumped by their university partner in their mid-twenties, several who’ve been suspicious of their partner’s work colleague. Loads of threads on the Relationshipa board about all these things. It’s quite mundane, everyday stuff.

And friendship/acquaintance groups do overlap, we’ve all had one of those, “how do you know Jane?? Small world!” conversations.

Sadly, sometimes people’s mental health plummets when they’ve been through a lot and then they behave poorly. Not unusual.

I reckon a message along the lines of “hi El, I remember you from social events at [company]. We’ll take the matter of your malicious communications no further because of what you’ve been through recently but you should not contact us again. Best wishes”.

And leave it there.

Glad you got to the bottom of it OP. Is CF likely to give El the heads up that you know?

I'd send a message to El using her real name and tell her to stop any contact with you or your DH otherwise you'll report her to the police and that will of course impact her work.

Most women put them in their handbag.
Thing is, phones have passwords so someone looking after it for you isn't going to see anything anyway. Unless you give it to them when you're logged in and it doesn't time out.

Same. I had weird behaviour from my husband's ex. She was quite happy to be with her affair partner (for two years) until she discovered that DH had started to see me.

Suddenly, she wanted him back. At that point, the former family home was in her name, via a mortgage buy-out and he had a mortgage on his own place. Her 'offer' was that he could sell his house and move back into the house which was now in her sole name...

She tried to gatecrash our honeymoon.

Woah . Well that wasn’t the ending I expected but it’s the ending im glad you got. At one point I did think he cheated. As regards to the person I can see why she did it. She obviously doesn’t know your struggles and with her fertility dwindling she was bound to go down the whole if only that was my life route. You didn’t deserve what’s she done though. For example I’ve been left most likely infertile because of chemo and seeing my ex’s have family’s on social media stings like hell as I wish it was me , I just wouldn’t do what she’s done there’s a difference.

now it the time for a fresh start. Maybe change your number and carry on with your life. I also hope whatever illness you have or had is gone and you are healthy.

But if that was the case, then she would already have known that they were married. So then it doesn't make sense that she only realised they were married when CF showed her OP's social media profile?

It does make sense. They stopped working together and clearly didn't keep in touch.

This was great @basilbush
well done.