Random Message DH Affair Part2

[basilbush]

Hi all

Link to previous thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344952-random-message-saying-dh-affair?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

TLDR: I got a WhatsApp telling me DH (by name) was having an affair. The ‘proof’ was very suspect and I didn’t believe it. Went through it all with DH who denies it all and the messages turned to some insults.
We believed it was someone with malicious intent.

Im sorry I didn’t start a thread straight away-I didn’t want to start one and then not have the time to keep it up to date as yesterday was really busy. So some progress has been made:
-After being super certain the baby shower wasn’t put online I’ve discounted the woman from work. I’ve also found out that she’s moved back to her home country on the other side of the world so unlikely.
-I know people were unsure why I thought my college friend was the link. Essentially one of the insults I got sent was quite personal and about something I used to be quite insecure of when I was younger (not so much now) and college friend was aware of it.

I was still fairly certain it isn’t FROM her as I just can’t square that off but it seems to be too much of a coincidence that she was at the baby shower, has access to me online and knows about this thing.

We told PIL everything when they dropped kids off yesterday and DH said that he was supposedly with this woman that time I was at the baby shower-they completely backed him up that he was with them the whole time and couldn’t believe someone could be so vindictive. I felt bad we told them as they were quite upset about it all.

Back to college friend. We decided yesterday morning to follow Colleen’s lead and I posted a Facebook status viewable just to her along the lines of ‘absolutely devastated. Nearly 20 years only to be betrayed-anyone know a good solicitor?’ (Note, I would never normally share something so private!!).

We figured if it was her, I’d get a WhatsApp message mocking me or full of smugness. We could see she’d be been online lots through the day but we didn’t get anything from the number.

Then this morning I get a WhatsApp from her (using the number she used in the baby shower group) saying she’d seen my status, was so sorry and wondered if I was around for a catch up as she’s a bit worried about a few things and needs to talk to me.

Ive obviously tried to ask questions but she’s just asked if we could meet. We’ve got a few kids activities this morning but I’m meeting her at 2 for a drink and to see what she has to say.

Sorry, that was really long! And please don’t worry, this hasn’t completely taken over our weekend-we took kids to soft play party, had a nice bbq and this morning are going swimming. But I’m determined to find out what this is all about.

Ah thanks.

I'd be very careful about what you say. I worry that she might go for CF for betraying her trust next, and I'm sure you don't want to cause trouble for CF any more than she intended to for you. It's hard to know what to do for the best here.

There already is. Go to the OP's original post and click "see all". All her posts will be there, without interruption.

The whole thread makes sense to me. My DH had been married before, and he warned me that there could be a call from the ex if she found out he had remarried - however, they'd been divorced over a decade before he met me and there has never been any contact at all since I came on the scene, thank goodness. He still worries about going to the town where she lives in case he bumped into her - I've told him he shouldn't worry, I doubt she would do or say anything, but she was a bit volatile, and I think he worried something like this could happen. (I'm another who has 100% trust in her DH).

Time to block them both and move on. Pair of nutters!

When I suggested that, pages and pages ago, I was immediately accused of being patronising!

I don't know why so many people are confused or doubting this.

I believe it and I actually think CF is a good person, she immediately met up with you and came clean about everything. If she was conspiring with El then she'd have kept her mouth shut.

@basilbush I'm glad you trusted your instinct in trusting your DH, and I'm glad this was all cleared up very quickly for you, keeping the distress to a minimum.

id be tempted to wait until the next time El sends a message and then in your reply, include her name. That would probably be enough to scare her off!

So have I got this right? El doesn’t know you know?

Ah, you've just answered my query as to whether El knows OP knows.

Yes good idea, if it’s established 100% that it is indeed El. That’ll shock her!

Right!!

There's a pile on towards the end of most threads these days.

OP.. I think now that your curiosity has been satisfied and you know it was just messages from the unhinged... I'd just block and ignore, its not worth any further attention and I think any contact would just further provoke and wind her up.

It might be that CF didn't realise how crackers El was and I think when she realised it was turning nasty she was quite brave meeting you to let you know what was going on.
I'm glad for you and your DH that you found out it was all nonsense

Well @basilbush I followed this like a little stalker yesterday and was delighted to login and see the updates tonight. Thank you for the weekend entertainment! I much appreciate you updating us all.

I have had other crazy people in my life try to claim I stole my ex from them when they were just friends, when they weren’t as friends as long as my ex and I had been (we were friends about 5 years and in a relationship 5 years after that) and nothing had ever happened between the two of them. The same crazy person also tried to tell people I was bullying her when I was having a perfectly polite conversation one night - she claimed I blanked her, when infact I spoke to her for about 30 minutes! And quite frankly I should’ve throw my drink round her because the same girl years before had also claimed my first ever bf was stolen from her too (he was never dating her, she was an acquaintance) and one night at a party told me she and her friends were discussing ways they could murder me, with her fav being locking me in a walk in freezer until I froze to death. So I know crazy exists! This same person later told me that my ex had phoned her to discuss ways he had cheated on me and who with while we were together which was yet another lie… I think she was quite frankly obsessed with me.

My husbands ex years ago when we were teenagers also accused me of bullying her one night when I didn’t even know she was at the same pub as me (this was when my husband and I were just friends and they had split up - I was there with my bf at the time and had briefly spoken to my now husband). She then started a rumour that she had seen me and my husband kissing in the smoking section and that we were having an affair - yet another lie, as my husband had a lovely gf at the time and I was there with my bf at the time! Crazy people are out there and want to do harm. This same ex of his actually did bully me, pretend I wasn’t there, spoke through me, threw my stuff out of chairs so she could sit there, then proceeded to reach out to my husband asking for company and support up to three years after we were together when it has been at least 4 years since he had last spoken to her. The mind boggles. And I would hold my hands up and say if I had been rude to either of these people, but I was the world’s biggest people pleaser when I was younger so I was always lovely to them and went out of my way to make them feel comfortable and included. Now I would tell them where to go quite frankly.

What I am so curious to know is what you’re going to do next @basilbush ?

Are you going to text her and said hey El, thanks for providing this weekends entertainment for DH and I? We really enjoyed your attempts at tricking us, but unfortunately we outsmarted you. And also that you wish her well and hope she’s found happiness? I wouldn’t be able to resist letting her know I knew it was her!

or you could just reply with a screenshot of a pic of her and just say grow up, El. Please! Do it and let us know

lovely
still lovely
She was always a really sweet girl and wouldn’t say boo, that doesn’t seem to have changed

The above is how the OP has described her CF. Although she is probably guilty of gossiping and oversharing with El/Lizzie about the OP, I think some pps are probably being a little hard on CF. It seems unlikely she could have anticipated what horrors El/Lizzie would do with the information.

As for it being suspicious that OP's CF wanted to meet her in person to talk, there are just some difficult conversations that need to be had in person if you've got the guts to do so, especially if you feel in part responsible for something. I can think of one in my life quite recently. It would have been much easier on me to opt out and send an email or text or call, but I felt I owed it to the friend concerned to show her the respect and care of talking about it face to face.

Re CF leaving her phone with El while she went to the toilet, this actually happened to me yesterday! I was out for drinks and talking to new work colleague, and we worked out she knew an old uni boyfriend of mine. I asked how he was doing, so she pulled up his Facebook so I could be nosy, and left me with her phone while she ran to the loo! Obviously I had no bad intentions other than curiosity. We were just having a gossip, which I bet is all CF is guilty of.

Just no. She's nuts. And a teacher. What's she's done has breached Teachers' Standards. Report her to the TRA. She shouldn't be in a position of trust.

OP there are a lot of batshit people on MN, ignore the people trying to question what you've said so far, imply that you're not making sense/making things up.

OP there are usually 3 sides to every story . Your side, my side, and the right side.

CF may be lovely innocent and sweet but I would want to hear Els side too if it was me...

Well, thank you for the closure OP and I am very glad it wasn’t anything more unpleasant for you and your family (although I was heartened by your faith in your DH. I would be the same but so many are not like that). Very sad about El. She is clear very unhappy. I hope she can find some peace in her life.

Also, did you tell CF that the Facebook post was fake to try and source the culprit?

This is all a bit baby reindeer!

What an epic end! So glad you have got closure, and wow and although you have empathy for this person, people with fertility issues, any issues it doesn’t excuse them to attempt to attack relationships for their own ends or cause harm. Maybe you should write a final message to her outlining your knowledge of who she is, and although you empathise with her situation spreading lies to try to break up marriages for her own benefit is cruel and hateful behaviour and if she continues to communicate with either of you or continue her campaign of harassment police involvement will be the result. Then block.

you should go into private detective work if I had a problem I’d hire you!

Can I just add, I’ve turned down watching a movie with my husband tonight so I could get caught up with this thread. I second @custardlover and am glad it was just someone who is desperately unhappy and not something serious that is going to impact your family.

Your story rings true. I believe you. What you have written doesn't read like a bad Netflix mystery.