Random Message DH Affair Part2

[basilbush]

Hi all

Link to previous thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344952-random-message-saying-dh-affair?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

TLDR: I got a WhatsApp telling me DH (by name) was having an affair. The ‘proof’ was very suspect and I didn’t believe it. Went through it all with DH who denies it all and the messages turned to some insults.
We believed it was someone with malicious intent.

Im sorry I didn’t start a thread straight away-I didn’t want to start one and then not have the time to keep it up to date as yesterday was really busy. So some progress has been made:
-After being super certain the baby shower wasn’t put online I’ve discounted the woman from work. I’ve also found out that she’s moved back to her home country on the other side of the world so unlikely.
-I know people were unsure why I thought my college friend was the link. Essentially one of the insults I got sent was quite personal and about something I used to be quite insecure of when I was younger (not so much now) and college friend was aware of it.

I was still fairly certain it isn’t FROM her as I just can’t square that off but it seems to be too much of a coincidence that she was at the baby shower, has access to me online and knows about this thing.

We told PIL everything when they dropped kids off yesterday and DH said that he was supposedly with this woman that time I was at the baby shower-they completely backed him up that he was with them the whole time and couldn’t believe someone could be so vindictive. I felt bad we told them as they were quite upset about it all.

Back to college friend. We decided yesterday morning to follow Colleen’s lead and I posted a Facebook status viewable just to her along the lines of ‘absolutely devastated. Nearly 20 years only to be betrayed-anyone know a good solicitor?’ (Note, I would never normally share something so private!!).

We figured if it was her, I’d get a WhatsApp message mocking me or full of smugness. We could see she’d be been online lots through the day but we didn’t get anything from the number.

Then this morning I get a WhatsApp from her (using the number she used in the baby shower group) saying she’d seen my status, was so sorry and wondered if I was around for a catch up as she’s a bit worried about a few things and needs to talk to me.

Ive obviously tried to ask questions but she’s just asked if we could meet. We’ve got a few kids activities this morning but I’m meeting her at 2 for a drink and to see what she has to say.

Sorry, that was really long! And please don’t worry, this hasn’t completely taken over our weekend-we took kids to soft play party, had a nice bbq and this morning are going swimming. But I’m determined to find out what this is all about.

She won’t get a harassment warning unless you ask her not to contact you again and she sends further messages. The police would probably advise you to block her. I’d block her on everything and only mention the police if she continues to contact you by other means.

Another one here to say I'm happy to hear your DH wasn't cheating. What El did was indefensible and if she really is a teacher or another professional then I'd worry about how her mental health is affecting her work.
What an awful weekend for you but I'm glad CF did the right thing and exposed El.

I have recently (well, it unfolded over the last couple of years) been in a horrible personal situation where people did things I'd never have believed them capable of, and behaved frankly bizarrely. It has had real and damaging consequences for me and my three DC. People I know in RL have said if they didn't know me they would think it was made up. Numerous people have told me to write a book / sell my story.

People can do unbelievable things sometimes, this doesn't mean it's not true. If you have never been the victim of something so upsetting and absolutely unhinged, maybe think yourself lucky rather than call someone a liar.

OP, I wish you and your DH all the best, and I hope this is an end of it. I would advise you update the police on the identity of El.

B@ll@cks. Been through failed IVF/broken marriage myself. Never felt jealous of anyone, would never do what she did, let alone send messages to my ex boyfriends (who I haven’t seen for 20+ years) wife. She is crazy, mean and I have 0 sympathy for her. I would sue her.
Being married and having kids is overestimated. One can be perfectly happy without these and she could build a wonderful life instead of sending random messages to strangers trying to break their marriage.

I don't want to scare you and it's not hyperbole but I would in this situation inform my children's school or child minders. She's clearly nuts.

@basilbush - as a writer, I completely believe this is true because it’s too crazy not to be. Glad you can roll your eyes at the naysayers - just ignore them.

It's truly heartening that you and your DH have a strong relationship, enough to weather what would be a very challenging and malicious strike to anyone’s partnership. I really, really hope this is the end of it for you both now and you can move on.

I don’t believe a word of it. The truth is always pretty straight forward. This is far too convoluted. I’m afraid your husband has cheated. 99% sure of that.

Fair. Does seem a bit odd to look through someone's SM together and leave your phone with them.

CFs account seems a bit ridiculous and if anything maybe OP was nieve to believe it.

She would get a harassment warning that would go on her enhanced DBS if the OP had asked her to stop contact - which could just as easily be achieved by blocking her number.

I am also of the opinion that CF and El had a much longer discussion about you that CF is letting on.

I agree but I see that as a reason not to believe CF rather than not believe OP. I can imagine it went more like:

CF: Look at this photo of me in a nice dress.

EI: Hang on, is that @basilbush in the background? How do you know her?

CF: I went to college and uni with her and she works with the person having the baby shower. How do you know her?

EI: My ex boyfriend left me for her, the cow. Is she still with him? I used to see her at work events and yada yada yada.

CF: Really?! Omg I didn't know that, poor you. I haven't really spoken to her for 20 years. Yes she's married to him and they have kids. Here.... I'll show you her social media.

Then they both continue to have a good old bitch and gossip, in which case I can see CF leaving EI with her phone to keep snooping while she goes to the loo.

This is WILD! Are you planning on saying something to her directly?! Yeah ignore some of the other comments, your instinct was right and I’m glad you stuck by what your gut felt. There are people on MN who will instantly blame the husband but you know you and your family better than anyone. im
glad you got to the bottom of it all! How bizarre

I wouldn’t leave my phone with anyone under any circumstances, so it sounds as though they were colluding.

Agree. Also the fact that CF told OP everything makes me think they were way more involved than they say and then now started getting a bit of regret so played the she took my phone and seemed to be getting a bit stalkerish! card.

From experience those that spill that fast and freely were usually involved!

Believe it or not, most pp's on the thread are 99% sure you're wrong.

I agree, I think CF is more involved than she admits.

I think the WhatsApp messages between CF and stalker woman would be very revealing and CF was very quick to ask for a meet-up so that there was no message trail. Covering herself in case of any comeback.

Yes, CF could be trying to cover her back.

I thought the whole thing sounded bizarre – but bizarre things do happen in life – and it was the CF account that made me think, no, not buying it. Well, that’s not to say that the OP has made this whole thing up… She could well be have been taken in by CF herself.

Surprisingly not everyone is like you and the definition of aquaintance doesn't seem to be right in the context of ex work mates.

You know I would LOVE to hear Els side of the story in relation to her and CFs meet up.

I think it could be very interesting...

I now think CF heard Els ramblings about how you stole her man and egged it on.

Then, got nervous and spilled this stalkerish story VERY quickly to cover her back.

I believe it, but good God what a horrid situation. I feel a lot of sympathy for the OP, but strangely so utterly sad for El - to be that bitter that you would do all this!!

I remember when a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first child. She was stunning and wealthy, and was one of those women who dressed very sexually during her pregnancy. One day she was waiting outside Boots for a friend to finish shopping, and these two women walked past her to go in. One of them just rounded on her, calling her a whore and a slut. It really shook her up, but we surmised that this crazy woman was probably unfortunately suffering from a) fertility issues and b) was not very wealthy.

It all sounded awful but, on hearing about it, I was left with a grain of sympathy for this random woman.

If you knew someone had stalker tendencies, and they had obviously fixated on someone that you knew… Would you then oblige with showing them photographs of this person and their husband and children, and then leave your phone with them, even though at this point, you had decided that their behaviour was concerning?

Maybe my friendship group is odd but going though people's social media posts is absolutely normal, not even friends, co workers do it too

Just a short while ago a photo from SM was shared in a WhatsApp group I'm in of an event hosted by no one in the group but that some of us know, it literally happens all the time

A bit of a weird question from me-

CF plugged the phone number in and it came up straight away with Els name so she didn’t even create a fake number or anything.

what does 'plugged the phone number in' mean?

Do you mean she entered it on her phone and EIs number was saved on her phone?