Random Message DH Affair Part2

[basilbush]

Hi all

Link to previous thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344952-random-message-saying-dh-affair?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

TLDR: I got a WhatsApp telling me DH (by name) was having an affair. The ‘proof’ was very suspect and I didn’t believe it. Went through it all with DH who denies it all and the messages turned to some insults.
We believed it was someone with malicious intent.

Im sorry I didn’t start a thread straight away-I didn’t want to start one and then not have the time to keep it up to date as yesterday was really busy. So some progress has been made:
-After being super certain the baby shower wasn’t put online I’ve discounted the woman from work. I’ve also found out that she’s moved back to her home country on the other side of the world so unlikely.
-I know people were unsure why I thought my college friend was the link. Essentially one of the insults I got sent was quite personal and about something I used to be quite insecure of when I was younger (not so much now) and college friend was aware of it.

I was still fairly certain it isn’t FROM her as I just can’t square that off but it seems to be too much of a coincidence that she was at the baby shower, has access to me online and knows about this thing.

We told PIL everything when they dropped kids off yesterday and DH said that he was supposedly with this woman that time I was at the baby shower-they completely backed him up that he was with them the whole time and couldn’t believe someone could be so vindictive. I felt bad we told them as they were quite upset about it all.

Back to college friend. We decided yesterday morning to follow Colleen’s lead and I posted a Facebook status viewable just to her along the lines of ‘absolutely devastated. Nearly 20 years only to be betrayed-anyone know a good solicitor?’ (Note, I would never normally share something so private!!).

We figured if it was her, I’d get a WhatsApp message mocking me or full of smugness. We could see she’d be been online lots through the day but we didn’t get anything from the number.

Then this morning I get a WhatsApp from her (using the number she used in the baby shower group) saying she’d seen my status, was so sorry and wondered if I was around for a catch up as she’s a bit worried about a few things and needs to talk to me.

Ive obviously tried to ask questions but she’s just asked if we could meet. We’ve got a few kids activities this morning but I’m meeting her at 2 for a drink and to see what she has to say.

Sorry, that was really long! And please don’t worry, this hasn’t completely taken over our weekend-we took kids to soft play party, had a nice bbq and this morning are going swimming. But I’m determined to find out what this is all about.

I’d reply to the “mystery” messenger saying

”Hello -insert real name-, I will be blocking this number now but I want you to know that I feel sorry for your situation. Life is not fair, but you need to find a new outlet”

The OP said she's been on MN since 2007, she must have changed names, that's all. If this isn't real I have certainly been totally duped! I have some experience related to stalkers in a former job and I do (in the absence of any evidence to the contrary) believe it.

I think it’s fairly common practice to name change when starting a thread where you may end up in finding out your DH has cheated and blow you family apart! 😊

Glad you’ve got to the bottom of this OP. Have to ask though, why do you care about how she was when she and your DH were together? Is this not the end of it? It’s a case of block and forget surely?

I do feel sorry for her about her IVF journey but having personal problems doesn’t give you the excuse or right to be stalkerish, harass people or try to break up marriages. She is clearly in a bad place but low MH doesn’t turn everyone into a bad person who cyber bullies someone to the extent of creating fake screenshots to potentially split up someone’s family. She hasn’t broken the law, but CF said she essentially stalked someone before and has said some worrying things. She needs actual help but at a minimum I think she deserves a stern word

So glad you have got to the bottom of this. I would reply stating that you know she is and to not contact you or your DH again or you will go to the police. Can’t make my mind up whether I feel sorry for her or not!

White vinigar should help.
I know that you have logged it already but I would log again or online as they are very good at responding.
You said that some of the messages were not very nice and you thought the sender had had some wine- she has your number and could get a new phone and not stop contacting you.
A visit from the local PCOS might just do the job, also she will be on thier radar if she does it with someone else.
Good luck.

I guess I’m weighing up what to do next ref police etc. She’s a teacher and taking this further may ruin her career on top of everything else. I suppose I think if she has always had these traits and might escalate then I’d report it. If it’s quite out of character then I might be more inclined to give a warning and move on.

Kids imminently going to bed and then DH and I will discuss what to do next

It’s possible but the OPs references to failed ivf attempts and the lines “Apparently she went on some rampage about how I’d broken up their relationship (I didn’t!) and if she’d have stayed with him, she might have children by now and not be childless and alone forever (her words).” imply her infertility is the reason behind the behaviour.

I just wanted to point out it’s very rare infertile women take out their anger about infertility on anyone but themselves. Except in fiction. Sometimes these threads blow up and it perpetuates a myth. I’m not saying this didn’t happen, just that in my professional experience (and personally as a woman who suffered multiple pregnancy loss and infertility) it’s unlikely. But anything is possible.

I totally disagree - someone who has done this could be really dangerous. Report to police.

Ah ok. Such a difficult situation for you all.

Could be deemed harassment and/or stalking:

It's stalking if the unwanted behaviour has happened two times or more and made you feel scared, distressed or threatened.

www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/beta-stalking-and-harassment/what-is-stalking-harassment/#:~:text=Stalking%20is%20a%20form%20of,going%20uninvited%20to%20their%20home

I think I’d just send a message saying you know who she is and if she doesn’t cease and desist you’ll involve the police.

6 years!

So, he’s the one that got away.

They finished, he went on to marry you and have DC, she married and it’s not ended well.

She’s maybe thinking “what would’ve happened” if she had stayed with your DH and feels bitter. 6 years is a long time to date someone, then dump them because you don’t want to commit.

I feel sorry for her, but she shouldn’t take it out on you.

Maybe she is jealous of your fertility. As if you’ve been at the same company for 25 years after uni you must be at least 46 and im guessing you have a very young child if they’re weeing on the sofa. To conceive in your early to mid 40s is tricky for anyone. With or without intervention. Maybe that really stung her? Not an excuse. Such an insane turn of events. So many people who are unconnected then turn out to be actually loosly connected to each other in weird ways. Life can be very weird at times! Always act with integrity you never know when it might come back to bite you is my take away from this rollercoaster ride of a thread

You don’t know how rare it is though do you.

None of us do, BUT NO ONE on this thread is suggesting or inferring that people with infertility issues, behave like this.

Yes, this is my understanding. She wanted to marry him and have children. They had a mortgage approved and were looking to buy when he just put the brakes on a realised he couldn’t see himself with her long term.

She went on to meet and marry her DH (now separated) and he met and married me

I'm glad you've found the culprit, I read your first thread. She's a teacher! Jeeeeeesus!

Sorry but I'd be getting a non-molestation order against her
To snoop on CF phone to that level is sick and I would suggest the police can get her MH help from adult services. As CF suggests, she has form for stalking when someone upsets her.

It's disgraceful that she has done this due to her own issues, she could've ruined a marriage due to jealousy of something that happened 20 years ago.

People like that need mental help before they really take offence to someone and hurt them

It can be very surprising what people with serious mental health issues such as a personality disorder can do under pressure, such as she appears to have been under. I have seen some quite "unbelievable" things in years of working in mental health services. I doubt the infertility is the whole story, but it may well be what she has fixed on at the moment. We have heard that she may have stalked people to some degree before, so the infertility may have been just a trigger for someone with pre-existing issues (I didn't say "just" to minimise it, I also had baby losses and thought I would never have a child, I only mean that it very probably wasn't the whole picture)

I think I’d reply along the lines of “El, I’m just letting you know this has been logged with the police. They’re only interested in pursuing if you continue to harass, and I’m not interested in destroying your career as a teacher after you’ve had a shit year. Assuming that we wont hear from you again, we won’t need to take it any futher.”

The joys of teen DD ringing to be Revolut-ed money when I haven't yet pressed 'post' 😂

Perfection.

Ah. They always need money at the least convenient times! 😁

Yes, but not for much longer if this gets out..