Random Message DH Affair Part2

[basilbush]

Hi all

Link to previous thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344952-random-message-saying-dh-affair?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

TLDR: I got a WhatsApp telling me DH (by name) was having an affair. The ‘proof’ was very suspect and I didn’t believe it. Went through it all with DH who denies it all and the messages turned to some insults.
We believed it was someone with malicious intent.

Im sorry I didn’t start a thread straight away-I didn’t want to start one and then not have the time to keep it up to date as yesterday was really busy. So some progress has been made:
-After being super certain the baby shower wasn’t put online I’ve discounted the woman from work. I’ve also found out that she’s moved back to her home country on the other side of the world so unlikely.
-I know people were unsure why I thought my college friend was the link. Essentially one of the insults I got sent was quite personal and about something I used to be quite insecure of when I was younger (not so much now) and college friend was aware of it.

I was still fairly certain it isn’t FROM her as I just can’t square that off but it seems to be too much of a coincidence that she was at the baby shower, has access to me online and knows about this thing.

We told PIL everything when they dropped kids off yesterday and DH said that he was supposedly with this woman that time I was at the baby shower-they completely backed him up that he was with them the whole time and couldn’t believe someone could be so vindictive. I felt bad we told them as they were quite upset about it all.

Back to college friend. We decided yesterday morning to follow Colleen’s lead and I posted a Facebook status viewable just to her along the lines of ‘absolutely devastated. Nearly 20 years only to be betrayed-anyone know a good solicitor?’ (Note, I would never normally share something so private!!).

We figured if it was her, I’d get a WhatsApp message mocking me or full of smugness. We could see she’d be been online lots through the day but we didn’t get anything from the number.

Then this morning I get a WhatsApp from her (using the number she used in the baby shower group) saying she’d seen my status, was so sorry and wondered if I was around for a catch up as she’s a bit worried about a few things and needs to talk to me.

Ive obviously tried to ask questions but she’s just asked if we could meet. We’ve got a few kids activities this morning but I’m meeting her at 2 for a drink and to see what she has to say.

Sorry, that was really long! And please don’t worry, this hasn’t completely taken over our weekend-we took kids to soft play party, had a nice bbq and this morning are going swimming. But I’m determined to find out what this is all about.

🦇💩.

Hope EI gets some help. Perimenopause, infertility, marriage breakdown would be a lot for anyone to deal with.

CF should tell her the game's up and also warn her that if she's a teacher, she probably doesn't want a record for malicious communication. Don't think that would look good on her CV!

This particular comment. A court order. I mean come on. Unless you have the deep pockets like Colleen Rooney and vardy and I would say good luck in getting the police’s attention. @FrodoBiggins has great advice in not sending voice notes and threats. That’s equally unhinged advice as the woman in question.

At this stage I wouldn't even mention police. To try and be kind. If it continues after that then I would bring that up.

I just... while I have a lot of empathy for people we can't all just go around trying to sabotage others lives whenever ours aren't going well.

Wow. This is truly bonkers @basilbush . I am so sorry that you and your DP have been exposed to this craziness.
I hope you will soon be able to look back and laugh at it - that woman sounds like she needs serious help!

It’s really heartwarming that amidst all this nastiness you had full faith in your husband’s fidelity.

You probably should record the outcome with the police just in case there are any more ramifications later on. Then I would ignore her.

I wonder if this has given her the idea to go after her other old boyfriend’s wives/partners.

Very chilling.

As I said in my post I’m speaking personally and clinically (not being specific as it’s outing) having worked with many women with infertility. It is absolutely a well worn trope that infertility drives women mad and I’ve never seen a case despite working with many women over the years who had infertility. So as I said “El” must be the rare exception. I’d hate this thread to perpetuate a misogynistic trope so wanted to point out that the idea something like this would happen in real life rather than fiction, is vanishingly rare.

Wow - Baby Reindeer vibes, they walk amongst us, these unhinged people! Great lesson in trusting your gut instincts @basilbush I hope you can get some legal advice, send a ‘cease & desist’ type letter and that will put a lid on it.

I’m glad you got a definite answer to who is behind it, rather than wonder for the rest of your life!

Speaking as someone who desperately wanted children, went through years of failed IVF, it can send you a bit mad. I was mentally not myself for a long time trying to cope with that. She does deserve sympathy for her pain and mental distress.

However… I don’t think ignoring and blocking is enough of a response for what she’s done, given that your college friend mentioned she has stalked someone before. This sort of behaviour escalates. Next time she fixates on someone she could take it further. I would continue to update the police on the abusive messages you received and the reasons you’ve been made aware of, so that it’s all logged in the event of further harassment from her happening in future to you or anyone else. Some sort of “cease and desist” might be a good response now.

You/DH could send a message but I fear if you do then you will never get rid of El so would probably ignore and report. Edited to add not sure what a cease and desist is.

Re compassion -

I do think CF added some fuel and should maybe play a role here in steering El back to sanity.

Glad you’ve had it made clear.
So did you have to explain to CF about your fake Facebook post that just went to her?
Another question (sorry!): How did CF piece all this together…. do you think she actually knew more than she let on today? ie how did she piece together that El/Lizzie was linked to your fb post about splitting up?
It’s like a movie / novel, and I need it all explained! 😘
All the best to you, and thanks for keeping us all updated.

But we don't know that the infertility was what drove El to some frankly bizarre behaviour. She might have a personality disorder already and be given to odd behaviour even before the infertility. We don't know her at all.

Followed the whole story and just wanted to say well done for really trusting your husband and not let this have the affect El desired. I do hope your DH has been totally onboard and not thought that you may have had any niggling doubts about him. You have had an awful weekend but seems to have stayed very calm through it all and keeping normal for your kids.

If anyone has any hacks for getting urine out of fixed sofa cushions I’d be grateful!

That's all you needed today OP - kids! The main thing as a first stage is to draw the liquid out. Put sheets of newspaper or kitchen roll over the top of it, don't press down, just leave them there, they should absorb the liquid. Keep changing them until they stay dry. Then get your vacuum cleaner attachment and go over the area. It should draw a bit more liquid out. Repeat the paper stage again until the paper stays dry, then sprinkle bicarbonate of soda and leave. It should absorb more liquid and odour. Repeat until the BofS stays dry. Only then use something to clean it, such as vinegar and then an enzyme solution.

But would it be possible that a woman can have been unstable and prone to stalking behaviour all along, and that the infertility is just coincidental and that's she's using it to justify her behaviour to herself?

Wowzers! Good sleuthing op - you played this out very well I must say 👏

I think you have to separate the two things - yes you can feel sympathy for her situation but what she did is unforgivable- she could’ve broken up your family. I would definitely be letting her know you know exactly what happened as it might stop her from doing something similar agin. Having not had your life turn out the way you want is no excuse for being vindictive and malicious to other innocent people.

She needs a reality check and a short sharp shock imo. You don’t need to be nasty just “look, we know it’s you sending these messages and if you contact either of us again we’ll be contacting the police”. That way she’s been warned and knows you’ll be straight onto her if anything else happens (finding your pet bunny boiling in a pot on your stove for instance)!

@basilbush im almost surprised that she didn’t try to contact your H first to try and start an affair!

Things could have worked out very differently if you didn’t trust your H complicity and he wasn't as open and transparent as he was.

His anger at the whole thing and wanting to get to the bottom of it just as much as you showed how someone should act when they are innocent of cheating

If any contact planned, best off to be extremely specific and unthreatening, eg text from OP "El [full name]. Do not contact me again. My husband and I have not seen you for 20 years and we have no idea why you would try to contact us now, even less so to spread obviously false rumours. Your initial messages have already been reported to the police and should you try to make any further contact with us, directly or indirectly, we will immediately update the police on the emergency number."

Something along these lines should be sent. While it’s ok to have sympathy towards her situation, her actions are not ok. And you may not be the only one she has done / is doing this to. She needs the shock of knowing you have spoken to the police and will take action if she doesn’t stop.

I would be inclined not to block her, I would want to know if refusing to engage further with her leads to some kind of escalation. You don't want the next thing you know to be her turning up at your home. Before doing that she would be likely to try to make more contact by messages (which would probably become increasingly angry, desperate, illogical or whatever). I'd be keen to, if possible, have some ongoing insight into her mental state if she remained as fixated on me. If it did continue I would also definitely get back to the police and report her as a stalker.

I knew it would be a vengeful and spiteful woman discounted with her own life and trying to bring another woman’s life down out of pure jealousy and spite.

Well, you’ve got the life you deserve, a good husband and children and she’s got the life she deserves - alone and childless.

I'm guessing she's stalked op's husband online before and seen OP in a pic and so recognised her in the friends pic.

Glad you trusted you gut OP, about your DH being innocent of cheating. It was refreshing to see an innocent DH for a change.
Seriously, I think you should update your police report and speak to your solicitor about a Cease and Desist letter, to hopefully stop this from escalating.

I agree that it’s a disappointing ending: crazy lady obsessed with having a baby stalks her ex’s wife and attempts to break up marriage rather than fix her own and work on herself.

According the CF she had crazy vibes before any fertility issues and the stalking of their colleague was very obsessive behaviour so I think she has form.

i need to speak to DH when kids are in bed about whether this behaviour ever showed when they were together. The were a couple for 6 years so he should know her fairly well