Random Message DH Affair Part2

[basilbush]

Hi all

Link to previous thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344952-random-message-saying-dh-affair?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

TLDR: I got a WhatsApp telling me DH (by name) was having an affair. The ‘proof’ was very suspect and I didn’t believe it. Went through it all with DH who denies it all and the messages turned to some insults.
We believed it was someone with malicious intent.

Im sorry I didn’t start a thread straight away-I didn’t want to start one and then not have the time to keep it up to date as yesterday was really busy. So some progress has been made:
-After being super certain the baby shower wasn’t put online I’ve discounted the woman from work. I’ve also found out that she’s moved back to her home country on the other side of the world so unlikely.
-I know people were unsure why I thought my college friend was the link. Essentially one of the insults I got sent was quite personal and about something I used to be quite insecure of when I was younger (not so much now) and college friend was aware of it.

I was still fairly certain it isn’t FROM her as I just can’t square that off but it seems to be too much of a coincidence that she was at the baby shower, has access to me online and knows about this thing.

We told PIL everything when they dropped kids off yesterday and DH said that he was supposedly with this woman that time I was at the baby shower-they completely backed him up that he was with them the whole time and couldn’t believe someone could be so vindictive. I felt bad we told them as they were quite upset about it all.

Back to college friend. We decided yesterday morning to follow Colleen’s lead and I posted a Facebook status viewable just to her along the lines of ‘absolutely devastated. Nearly 20 years only to be betrayed-anyone know a good solicitor?’ (Note, I would never normally share something so private!!).

We figured if it was her, I’d get a WhatsApp message mocking me or full of smugness. We could see she’d be been online lots through the day but we didn’t get anything from the number.

Then this morning I get a WhatsApp from her (using the number she used in the baby shower group) saying she’d seen my status, was so sorry and wondered if I was around for a catch up as she’s a bit worried about a few things and needs to talk to me.

Ive obviously tried to ask questions but she’s just asked if we could meet. We’ve got a few kids activities this morning but I’m meeting her at 2 for a drink and to see what she has to say.

Sorry, that was really long! And please don’t worry, this hasn’t completely taken over our weekend-we took kids to soft play party, had a nice bbq and this morning are going swimming. But I’m determined to find out what this is all about.

Wow OP that’s all nuts 🥜. I don’t feel sorry for Baby Reindeer at all. It’s one thing to grieve not having children. It’s quite another to after 20 years try to split up your exes marriage in a cowardly malicious vengeful way. No one knows what she is capable of now she has the bit between her teeth. If she messages again just reply X (name) stop ✋. We will go back to the police if you continue this.
If you are not firm there’s a chance this will be the start (gosh I do hope not) of a chain of events. Know it’s a school night but hope you have a glass of wine 🍷 poured OP.
Go you! Case 🕵️‍♀️ solved. Just everything crossed 🤞 its also case closed.

As sad as it is that her marriage is broken up and she feels her opportunity for having children is lost it is not an excuse to deliberately try and hurt somebody else. I bet you feel relieved to at least know who it is rather than still be racking your brains finding out. I wouldn't be able to help myself but let her know that I'd found out who it was and would just send one message to say please don't contact us anymore Lizzie Baker and then block her.

Also nice for that a man isn't actually cheating (for once!)

I’d message her back saying “Hi, El. I know exactly who you are and I’ve reported your harassment of me to the police. They are willing to not take this any further at the moment, but have advised me that if I receive any more harassment from you to report it straight to them and they will be pressing charges. I’m guessing that you do not want a criminal conviction on top of everything else going on in your life at the moment, do you? I expect you to leave me and my family alone from now on.”

Scare the shit out of her, the nasty cow.

Yes, thanks that was clarified upthread.

Bloody hell OP - this is a cracker of a thread. Thank you for sharing the ridiculously satisfying outcome with us. If only all MN threads could be tied up with an ending like this one then I wouldn't lie awake at night wondering if Babs ever relinquished the stolen allotment or if that crazy lady who couldn't count sorted out the bedroom situation in the air B and b she rented with her extended family.

Saying all that, I'll be surprised if the Daily Fail doesn't pick this up. Possibly that could be El-Lizzie's punishment though?

Tbh I would be contacting the police to update and discussing whether a welfare check might not be required, perhaps including social services, as her actions indicate she is very unwell. It may give her the shock she needs to understand that malicious comms is unacceptable and also get her the psychiatric help she so clearly needs.

I am pretty sure that someone who has form for stalking people online will have looked at an ex boyfriend’s online profiles from time to time over the years and has probably seen photos of his wife

Great minds! Literally just posted virtually the same!

I wouldn’t block the number but I also wouldn’t engage further. I wouldn’t block the number in case the behaviour escalates and you do need police involvement. But some pps seem to be suggesting going after her vigilante style and I don’t know what that would achieve.

You are confident your OH didn’t cheat and are confident with the explanation given. I think it would be case closed for me - unless she doesn’t stop behaviour

Wow, WTF goes through peoples heads?!
Yes it’s sad she couldn’t have children and her relationship broke up, but who in their right mind decides to message someone who married her ex from how long ago was it??!?
Have a self indulged moan and a bitch about someone if you think that makes you feel better. But to actually send a message to you?!? She doesn’t need anyone’s sympathy, she needs help.
She could have caused you so many issues in your marriage and she didn’t just send one message, wake up the next morning with a hangover and an embarrassing realisation of what she’d done, no, she sent more!

I would confirm with the police that you’ve found the culprit. I’d ask their advice, but I’d be very tempted to speak to a solicitor and get a letter sent (surely some of it must come under malicious messages, defamation of character or liable?🤷🏼‍♀️) making it clear the legal implications if she contacts you or your family again. The police may even go and speak to her to make sure she is ok, as this is far from normal behaviour
She needs a wake up call. She’s a grown assed women not some love struck 14 yr old who saw her boyfriend of one week snogging someone else at the Disco.

Yes, thanks - as I said before, it's all been clarified upthread.

Gotta love MN… go that woman giving stain removal 🛋️ advice in midst of the stshow 🎪… White vinegar is fantastic and doesn't stain 👏

Appreciate you probably don’t want this to run and run but like PP’s have said, May be a good idea to let her know you know it’s her.

“Hi El. Please do not send any further communication. The police are aware of the situation and your involvement. I understand that you are unhappy and your life has not turned out how you wish but that does not give you the right to interrupt my very happy life.”

Aye but she doesn't know that

I'd do it if only to make her shit herself

Wow!!

I feel like I have been reading a book and just got to the shocking twist where everything comes together!

Im so glad for you that you got to the bottom of it and you aren’t left wondering.

Feel a bit bad for El , she clearly has some issues and is struggling because this isn’t normal behaviour . However , does not excuse trying to break up a marriage .

Well it’s a satisfying conclusion for me op. Better than telly this.

You can only speak for yourself.

People can and do act in very strange ways when things deeply affect them.

In EL’s case, what she’s been through is terribly sad, but it doesn’t excuse her behaviour.

I am almost in El’s position - looking at a future where children arent possible despite it being the only thing I’ve ever wanted. It does funny things to you and to your mind but I would never do anything as batshit as this. Even if I were harbouring resentment to someone (which is natural, whether deserved or not) it would only ever be in my mind!!

What a story! Now what? Confront her? Ignore it?

Has El stopped messaging you now? Hopefully you won’t hear from her again.

I think this woman's just batshit. Who knows of she's done it before orbit doing it to more than one person now. We just don't know.

Update appreciated. Thanks @basilbush

Who would have thought someone would turn on a person from over 20 years ago?

I'm glad you've got your answers

This has kept me entertained all weekend! Shes bloody crazy! It would make a great Netflix film 😅

What a conclusion!

While I feel sorry for El you cannot behave that way. You cannot try and ruin other people's lives because yours has not turned out how you had hoped.

I thought I would be a millionaire with a mansion. I'm not. And I'm pissed off about that but doesn't mean I have the right to go and ruin someone's life who's doing better than me from my past.

I would probably reply. Something along the lines of "Hi El. We know this is you. Whole I understand life may not be how you had hoped this mindless attempt at sabotaging mine isn't ok.
Please do not contact me again. Take care of yourself and reach out to your friends for support if you need it. Your number will be blocked now."

I agree that you should let her know that you know it is her but I would be very factual about it.

"El, we know it is you and had already logged this with the police. Do not contact either of us again or we will seek further legal advice."

I would also update the non emergency case reference number to let them know you have found the culprit, it is El and you have asked her not to contact you again. Just so it's logged.