Random Message DH Affair Part2

[basilbush]

Hi all

Link to previous thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344952-random-message-saying-dh-affair?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

TLDR: I got a WhatsApp telling me DH (by name) was having an affair. The ‘proof’ was very suspect and I didn’t believe it. Went through it all with DH who denies it all and the messages turned to some insults.
We believed it was someone with malicious intent.

Im sorry I didn’t start a thread straight away-I didn’t want to start one and then not have the time to keep it up to date as yesterday was really busy. So some progress has been made:
-After being super certain the baby shower wasn’t put online I’ve discounted the woman from work. I’ve also found out that she’s moved back to her home country on the other side of the world so unlikely.
-I know people were unsure why I thought my college friend was the link. Essentially one of the insults I got sent was quite personal and about something I used to be quite insecure of when I was younger (not so much now) and college friend was aware of it.

I was still fairly certain it isn’t FROM her as I just can’t square that off but it seems to be too much of a coincidence that she was at the baby shower, has access to me online and knows about this thing.

We told PIL everything when they dropped kids off yesterday and DH said that he was supposedly with this woman that time I was at the baby shower-they completely backed him up that he was with them the whole time and couldn’t believe someone could be so vindictive. I felt bad we told them as they were quite upset about it all.

Back to college friend. We decided yesterday morning to follow Colleen’s lead and I posted a Facebook status viewable just to her along the lines of ‘absolutely devastated. Nearly 20 years only to be betrayed-anyone know a good solicitor?’ (Note, I would never normally share something so private!!).

We figured if it was her, I’d get a WhatsApp message mocking me or full of smugness. We could see she’d be been online lots through the day but we didn’t get anything from the number.

Then this morning I get a WhatsApp from her (using the number she used in the baby shower group) saying she’d seen my status, was so sorry and wondered if I was around for a catch up as she’s a bit worried about a few things and needs to talk to me.

Ive obviously tried to ask questions but she’s just asked if we could meet. We’ve got a few kids activities this morning but I’m meeting her at 2 for a drink and to see what she has to say.

Sorry, that was really long! And please don’t worry, this hasn’t completely taken over our weekend-we took kids to soft play party, had a nice bbq and this morning are going swimming. But I’m determined to find out what this is all about.

You need to text her for a meet up -

See if she does. Bring CF as well!

I think a face to face would solve the issue.

I immediately thought of The Hand That Rocks The Cradle!

Thank God it sounds like OP's children are likely late primary or secondary aged 😬

Regarding CF. She seemed sincere and wants to very much distance herself from the whole thing. I believe her and I let her talk and talk and just listened. I tend to find liars trip themselves up very quickly and she didn’t seem to. She was always a really sweet girl and wouldn’t say boo, that doesn’t seem to have changed
.
I think what’s she’s probably glossed over is that when El realised who I was, they went snooping online together and CF probably told her some old college stories and was complicit in that sense. But I genuinely think she didn’t know what El would do, nor do I think she had anything to do with the messages

I feel a bit sorry for “El” - that would hurt after all she’s been through. It’s clearly a bad thing she’s done but think blocking rather than any further punishment is all that’s required

following to see if you confront El!

DH isn’t home yet to have a full discussion but I agree, I do feel sorry for her. Unable to have children and her marriage falling apart.

I had a health scare many years ago and we weren’t sure if we would be able to have a family. I do wonder how bitter I might feel if that were me

White vinegar is fantastic and doesn't stain

Omg that woman sounds unhinged. Probably best to block and move on but the petty in me would be tempted to message back saying "real name, it's DH. Do not contact us again or we will contact the police" She would be mortified to know your DH knew if shes still focused on him

Hope your okay, all sounds very disturbing

This woman has clearly been through a lot but that's not an excuse to send malicious communications and essentially stalk someone. I'm glad you have answers. Going forward, I personally wouldn't trust CF as far as I can throw her. If you want to update the police then do so but otherwise block.

I'm glad to hear OP that your judgement about your DH and also about your lovely CF has been shown to be right. All credit to your CF for telling you in person and for owning up about her part in what happened as that can't have been easy for her. I'm glad to hear that you now know the truth about the situation. Like you, I would have been tenacious in seeking it out, both to find out who was responsible and to settle any doubts about DH one way or the other.

I agree that you and your DH need to do something about the woman responsible, but that will need some careful thought. She is obviously going through a hard time but it sounds like she also has form for awful behaviour. My initial thoughts are a cease and desist letter recorded delivery and signed for to her home address - presumably your CF knows this - and to add the information to the crime report - include that you have sent a C&D letter. It might be worth getting your solicitor to send the letter given her history. The police might also be willing to send a PC or PSCO to speak to her.

In the police’s hands. She hasn’t done anything criminal. Weird. But not illegal

She doesn’t know your marriage, she doesn’t know you’re stable.
She had every intention of causing utter distress and disruption in your marriage all because she feels life is unfair that she can’t have children and her husband has said he can’t continue with IVF.
Being in pain is never an excuse to maliciously cause somebody else pain “just because”.

I’m so glad you got to the bottom of all of this OP.

El sounds unhinged and unkind and a little frightening, tbh, having gone all out to mess with your lives in this manner. I feel sorry for college friend for having 'helped' cause this mess by over sharing and trusting her, but at least she had the decency to immediate contact you and tell you what had happened.

How can people feel sorry for her is beyond me, she tried to ruin your marriage and you feel sorry for her.

She doesn’t know your marriage, she doesn’t know you’re stable.
She had every intention of causing utter distress and disruption in your marriage all because she feels life is unfair that she can’t have children and her husband has said he can’t continue with IVF.
Being in pain is never an excuse to maliciously cause somebody else pain “just because”.

This. What a truly awful woman.

Wow this is insane, I think you maybe need to log this new development with the police as this is really unhinged behaviour.

As for the urine, biological washing powder or liquid dissolved in a little warm water and scrubbed with brush into effected areas and all around allowed to dry then the same with fabric softener will get rid of the stain and smell. The joys of small children

Is anyone else reading all this thinking what????

I guess it’s sympathy, especially if you’ve been through fertility issues then relationship issues in your 40s. It can be crazy making… add that to thinking OP “has it all” with her ex…

That does make sense....in a mental way! Other than CF has clearly way overstepped by sharing your personal info with her. Including things you are insecure about......

I assumed she recognised OP from the work socials she d gone to with her then bf, OPs now DH

Because she obviously has serious issues. She's going to be even madder when she realises her plan backfired, and will be unpredictable. Some vague and threatening voice message on her phone about "consequences" from a man purporting not to have seen her could be used by her eg (just hypothetically) she chucks a brick through her own window/keys her own car, tells the police she's been threatened by OPs husband, possibly says they were in fact having an affair. The voice message would be enough to get him arrested. Would no doubt all come out in the wash in the end but so much hassle.

If any contact planned, best off to be extremely specific and unthreatening, eg text from OP "El [full name]. Do not contact me again. My husband and I have not seen you for 20 years and we have no idea why you would try to contact us now, even less so to spread obviously false rumours. Your initial messages have already been reported to the police and should you try to make any further contact with us, directly or indirectly, we will immediately update the police on the emergency number."

Do you mean this particular comment you’ve quoted, or the whole thing?

If this was a movie plot it would be criticised for being misogynistic and playing into the old trope that women who can’t have babies and want them become bitter twisted harpies. Like THTRTC was. Not saying I don’t believe it, but it would !

You are incorrect. What El did absolutely IS illegal.

www.jmw.co.uk/services-for-business/business-crime/malicious-communications-act-offences-business-crime

At a slight tangent but - isn't it nice to read one of these 'told DH having affair' threads and for it NOT to be the case?

And El might be distressed but she tried to throw a grenade into your marriage. She had no way of knowing how you would react and how much distress it might cause. If your DH had been in any way distant or unsettled lately imagine how much worse you would have felt and how you might still be believing the worst. She deserves no pity. A little empathy, perhaps, but how many women have been in her position and NOT felt it necessary to try to blow up their ex's marriage?

Disappointed this one ended in the old ‘infertility drives woman mad’ trope.

The reality is and I’m speaking from experience (personal and clinical), the vast majority of infertile women are too caught up in their own pain and loss to hatch plans to inflict suffering on other people. Except in fiction of course where infertility always turns women into nutjob baby snatchers or murderers!

OPs DHs ex must be a rare exception.