Are my expectations in how we split finances valid?

[Ru25]

Hi there,

Me and my partner are both divorced, been together nearly 6 years. We both have our own homes but are in very different financial circumstances. He owns his home now with no mortgage and also has another property with rental income. I have a large mortgage and high monthly payments. Our houses are worth about the same. The idea is to sell our houses and buy somewhere bigger that will house his two older kids and my younger child. However the sticking point is that he would just want to continue his financial situation, no mortgage and for me to continue with my current set up with my mortgage. Therefore live together and him have loads disposable income and me not have much at all...I'm not after his money but I feel like if we are building a life together we should be looking at finances as a team and working out how we could be more equal. He can ring fence whatever he puts in if anything was to go wrong but we should be looking to build a future together. His idea just feels like room mates and actually I;d be worse off due to the cost of moving/another stamp duty to pay etc...He would be living in a much nicer larger house for nothing...anyway interested in peoples thoughts on this as quite complicated/ Thanks

@thornbury I think the difference is you were married and you had more financial assets but less salary so over time it would equal out.

The ages of the children are relevant. They are at different life stages.

Op, your partner doesn't want a conventional "marriage" set-up where you share resources and also risk having to lose assets if you split. I think most people can understand why he feels like that as his assets must be considerable higher than yours. However I also understand how that feels to you as you have had a different image of the relationship.

A positive is that at least you now know before you buy! Be glad you had the conversation ahead of time.

If he ringfences his assets and you keep paying your own mortgage, surely he would potentially have half your house if you split after marriage?

Nope. Do not buy a house with this man.

Thanks, yes I agree. I’m confused to find out this morning he’s told his kids we are getting a house when we haven’t even agreed anything between us yet. Why would he do that? Unsettling for something that may not happen… and he knows I never agreed as only just started talking about it and I said we would need lots more discussions.

Thanks, you sound very clear on this point. May I ask why?

Does this 50:50 of everything include all the kids? Eg have you been on holiday or out for a meal as a 5 and still split 50:50?

I absolutely support protecting individual assets, even when there isn’t such a big disparity with wealth. But the 50:50 split isn’t fair when he has two kids and you only have one. Let’s not pretend his kids stop being a financial cost to the household as soon as they hit 18 or go to uni. We all know kids in their 20s often boomerang and many come to live back home permanently after uni due to the state of the housing market. There’s no guarantee you will only be funding his kids for the next couple of years and he will fund yours for a lot longer. It’s really not that simple.

The house he intends to buy I presume he wants to have a bedroom for each of his kids and one for yours. So at minimum a 4 bedroom house (5 with a spare) when if you had equal number of children it could be a 3 bed (or 4 with a spare). Why go for such a big house if his two kids are expected to fly the nest in a few years. Because it’s unlikely to happen he wants to ensure they have a home. Which is fine but you shouldn’t be expected to fund it 50:50.

I think the only fair way to split everything would be 3:2. His family of 3 to your family of 2. But honestly I just don’t think it’s worth the hassle and the best position for you and your child is to stay completely independent in your own home and revisit when all children are adults.

Because I was married to someone like this - earned a lot more than me but expected me to pay half of everything. I was constantly broke. We are now divorced. At least, since we were married, when we split up there was some re-balancing of the finances. Absolutely no way would I put myself into this situation unmarried.

A word of warning, if you leave everything to your partner, he can do whatever he wants with your money. There’s no way you can ring fence it for your children.

Sorry, not rtft but is there a reason why you can't just move in with him and rent out your current place? His dc are on the verge of leaving home, so why the need for a much bigger house?

I would have no problem with owning half and having my half on a mortgage. However I would want to be clear about what % I'm paying for everything else as basically there are 4 adults in the house and 1 child - I'd not be wanting to pay 50% that's for sure. I'd propose paying circa 35%. This should give you more money available to spend/save.

If your respective wills leave everything to each other, then there's no subsequent leaving to your joint children. People can remarry. Nothing to stop your DH remarrying and leaving to to his next wife. Your child gets nothing.

I don't understand why people in blended or indeed all families trust so blindly. Want your child to benefit from your will? Write them into it.

My DS with my DH is my main beneficiary, not my DH, and vice-versa. We're a European family though, where it's normal for the wealth to pass to the children.

I’d only accept shared and fair

I would not give up my home/financial independence for ANY man.... under ANY circumstances.
Prioritise your child and your self.
Either continue the relationship as it is or seperate and go your own way.
He is already trying to dictate your future by telling his kids his plans, before they are even your plans!!

Please don't buy a house with this man. Don't underestimate the calm & control you have living with your DD. You can budget within your means. He will inevitably push you to overspend. You don't know what the future holds. I had an anxious teen & could tighten my belt (LP, no support from ex) and reduce my hours. The difference in the atmosphere at home was priceless & my teen is flourishing. I would absolutely protect my money in any relationship, so understand his approach. But it doesn't sound like he understands your position & vulnerability.

I remember years ago when I was pregnant with my then partner. I owned a property outright and he had a tiny deposit but also owned a property same price. I suggested this, but it must’ve really bothered him and then he suggested I buy a bigger family home, get a mortgage and so on and he moves in and rents out his property. When I refused he offered to pay towards the bills. He told me I was “expecting too much of him to contribute and he’d be earning far more than me in time so had to protect his assets”. I was done then bought the family home with mortgage and parental help for my son and I, now own that an another property outright whilst he lives in a cheap out of town property. If you have jealousy or resentment about someone’s financial situation and feel they should be handing over more it’s a non starter. Don’t move, presumably he’d be paying half the stamp duty as that has nothing to do with mortgage and you’d have moving costs anyway if he was skint. So same mortgage bigger house and more to go up in value, but if that doesn’t suit you that’s fine too.

Why can't you live apart? But stay together. What's the obsession everyone has with living with someone?
Although not sure why you'd want to stay with him when you seem to pay more than he does when you're together so he sounds tight - horrible trait.

'building a life together' sounds fantastic in practice but it's worth bearing in mind that both parties here have already part-built lives, with the man having (due to some combination of age, family means, & possibly other factors) having done quite a bit more building.

whatever the new arrangement is it shouldn't make either side worse off. his almost-adult kids would no doubt be very understandably mortified to see a good slice of their financial position trickle away towards a new stepmother and stepsibling.

I'm old fashioned in believing that when a couple gets married, that's it, they're all in, there should be no question of separate finances, but that view just doesn't work when there are significant starting disparities and kids from previous relationships are involved.

He’s told his children to push you into buying the house, he will be looking online with them next to ramp up their excitement and you will feel bad about deciding not to go through with it.

He's really putting the pressure on for you to go along with this.

Don't be rushed into any decisions by him.

I would actually tell him off for spilling to his kids and point out it's just speculation at this stage.

He needs to be brought up short. He needs to understand that you're not just going to go along with his decisions. You've repeatedly said "he won't compromise" on this & that, so he's expecting you to fold.

He's trying to railroad you into what he thinks is best. But you need to do what's best for you and dd.

Because I think it is clear he is using you to get a better and bigger house whilst not paying and more to do so

because that is the crux of it isn’t it. The fact he is telling his kids when none of the financial and legal discussions that are absolutely necessary for blending families including professionals advice tells you everything

Yes he made out when I pulled him up on it that he was looking at houses on his phone and they asked why… seems very unbelievable to me since it would be very difficult for them to see him on his phone unless literally right next to him and even if that did happen which is unlikely he could have said something else…

Yes he didn’t used to be quite so tight but it seems he’s become more rigid and obsessed with 50/50 as times gone on… but even when it’s not 50/50 on my side. I’m a generous person but his behaviour is making me become something I’m not too and it’s not feeling good.

I think his enthusiasm says a lot about what kind of deal he thinks he will be getting out of this.

His current home is only 3 bed and we would need 4-5 for all kids and also his house is not near my daughters school catchment etc

Thanks. I feel the same right now