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Original poster

Random message saying DH affair

1000 replies

basilbush · 30/05/2025 11:29

Hoping for some advice here

Background-been with my DH 19 years, married 13 with two young children (nursery and reception).

I would say we have a happy marriage and solid family life. We rarely argue, spend time together and mostly manage to be respectful and have fun. We are intimate fairly regularly with no issues there (that I’m aware of).

So now to the weirdness. Yesterday afternoon I got a message on WhatsApp. It’s from a number I don’t recognise and the contact card photo is a flower so not identifying. The message said my DH (used his name) was cheating on me, had been going on for 6 months and I was naive to think my marriage was happy.

i haven’t replied. I’m not sure what to say and it’s knocked me for 6. I know you read posts from women all the time where they can’t see what’s right in front of them but I honestly don’t believe it. I don’t believe he’s capable of it-nor has he really had the opportunity.

He has recently started going to the gym and got fitter but we’ve both had health scares and it ties in with that.

Im not really sure what to do. I was going to just ask him outright (he’s away with work and back later today) and say I’ve got this weird message but it seemed so ridiculous to even ask him.

And being away with work isn’t a red flag-he’s sent photos of the conference, we faced timed last night and he rang me when got back to the room. First time he’s stayed away for a work thing in a year.

sorry, this was long and rambling!

OP posts:
ShesTheAlbatross · 30/05/2025 13:15

basilbush · 30/05/2025 13:08

Sorry to leave you all hanging, I had to pick up my youngest and drop him off at my PIL.

i have been sent a screenshot of some WhatsApp messages and to be honest, I think they’re bullshit.

The WhatsApp is his name and a photo of him but not the one I have for him. The chat is full of emojis and him saying ‘babe’ a lot and ‘nite’ with some text speak that isn’t something he uses.

its actually weirdly made me even more sure hes not cheating as it just isn’t language he’d use if that makes sense?

Does anyone know if you can save a name and number in WhatsApp contacts as anything? Or rename them.

i haven’t replied as I’ve been with my youngest but im not sure how to tackle this now.

i have my privacy settings upped in WhatsApp thanks to the poster who suggested it

Yes, you can save a number as any name - I have plenty as eg “Anna - Amy’s Mum” for DD’s friends’ parents.

If I was having an affair, I wouldn’t start saying things like “nite” where I normally say “night”. That doesn’t ring true.

GooseClues · 30/05/2025 13:15

A colleague had a stalker last year. She was from another team, young and clearly had some MH issues. He was totally not interested but she had a whole movie scenario in her head and not taking no seriously, even after HR involvement. He was single but if he’d not been I can totally see her doing something like this in malice.

CautiousLurker01 · 30/05/2025 13:15

basilbush · 30/05/2025 11:53

I’ve googled and searched the number and nothing.

the work event is in the Uk a couple of hours away. I guess when I say he hasn’t had the opportunity, it’s because he works from home most of the time, only going in once a week, doesn’t have an outing hobby and when he says he’s at the gym, he is! We share our location for really mundane things like knowing when to put dinner on so when he says he’s somewhere, he is always there.

I agree, anything is possible but it just doesn’t add up.

i know I should reply with ‘prove it’ but I almost don’t want to give them the satisfaction of knowing I’m even slightly bought in by the message.

So, it’s pretty easy to create a false alibi/location if you are having an affair though? You drive to the gym. Leave the phone in the car and walk to the other party/hotel/their car…

jamanbutter · 30/05/2025 13:16

Just ask your husband.

UnintentionalArcher · 30/05/2025 13:17

OP, it’s obviously impossible to be sure but language is a huge giveaway. My thought about the second message from the supposed OW was how immature the language was - the nasty ‘hahaha’ is very teenage (with apologies to all the teens out there who also don’t talk like this!). Combined with your other half’s then supposed use of text speak words like ‘nite’, and lots of emojis, this makes me think that it’s likely a scam. If he doesn’t normally speak like this (and some people just don’t and never would), I don’t think it’s particularly credible that his linguistic patterns would change so much, as language and identity are so closely linked. Nonetheless, I could be wrong!

AlertEagle · 30/05/2025 13:17

He could have a second phone you don’t know about. Can you ask them to show you proof of the whatsapp contact where you can see his number. Or ask them to send you his number and call from your phone and see if he picks up

KaleQueen · 30/05/2025 13:17

Can you share screenshots of the messages?

Crojo · 30/05/2025 13:18

Is it a photo someone could have taken from somewhere like his social media? Otherwise how would they have got a photo of him? He could have a burner phone and separate WhatsApp account.
You could always reply and say ‘That’s not my husbands WhatsApp’ and see what they say.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/05/2025 13:19

This sounds like a scam to me - is that photo on his FB or other social media profile amongst his photos?

isthesolution · 30/05/2025 13:20

this is awful. I’m so sorry that someone has made you doubt your marriage.

I think your best bet here is to be honest with your husband otherwise he is left thinking you believed he was cheating on you and then you have a whole other problem.

I’d wait til the kids are sleeping and say ‘I’ve been sent this WhatsApp message. Do you have any idea who would do that? Or why? I’m unsure what to do about it’. Watch him and listen to his response. I suspect you’ll know if he is lying. If he claims it is all made up I’d say ‘I never doubted you. I’ll report that someone is impersonating you on WhatsApp because it must be some sort of scam and we need to be so careful with these things’. Again his reaction is going to be key.

one thing I would say though is you don’t know where he is because on the location on his phone. You only know where his phone is - does he reply to calls/messages when at the gym?

Crikeyalmighty · 30/05/2025 13:20

@Crojo crossed posts!!

Cornflowers35 · 30/05/2025 13:21

My exh would have fallen in the camp of never in a million years.

He was cheating with all and sundry.

He worked with the main OW. But I actually caught him on the phone with (in our house.) (They were / are school teachers).

She was married as well. With a very young dc that she would presumably leave with her DH to meet up with my "DH".

He hooked up with her Her predecessor (at the school) at a Xmas party. She had a partner as well.

He would meet up with the OW at the gym.

And he even took her to a fancy spa (whilst claiming he couldn't afford to contribute to things for our DC.)

There was at least one other "confirmed" OW.

But he was in touch with multiple others.

(Even after we separated, and he was "seeing "the OW - she I would imagine was the only one, there were so many others.)

And whilst I can't prove this one, I suspect he was involved with a family member - his not mine.

He was incredibly secretive with his phone.

He also had multiple accounts on dating apps. One not in his actual name. This was early on in his marital extra activities.

His friends knew as well. He would go out every Saturday "to see" them. And then meet up with multiple women.

Once I caught him in the act, I uncovered so much.

ThatCyanCat · 30/05/2025 13:21

If he is having an affair and was smart enough to get a burner phone to cover his tracks, why wasn't he smart enough not to use a pic of himself on his alternative WhatsApp account? And why didn't he just use one of those secret messaging apps?

Moonlightdust · 30/05/2025 13:22

Do you recognise the photo of your husband used in the picture? Is it one he’s previously used on WhatsApp or any other social media you’re aware of?
Maybe ask what number they have for him? If it’s another number you could save that on your phone and then see if it matches up to the profile pic on the screenshot? Also you can see when he’s online if it’s a burner phone.

Wednesdayisme · 30/05/2025 13:22

This is very strange, you definitely need to speak to your husband when he gets home.

In meantime I'd ask for more proof as there are scammers out there
(but this affair one is a new one on me especially if not asking for money or personal details etc)

JeMapellePing · 30/05/2025 13:23

Honestly, this screams scam to me.

GarlicMile · 30/05/2025 13:23

The chat is full of emojis and him saying ‘babe’ a lot and ‘nite’ with some text speak that isn’t something he uses.

I find this very reassuring! People do odd things when they're cheating, but I've never known that to include major code-switching like this. Also agree the 'hahaha' response sounded quite teenager-ish.

Curious, OP! Yeah, I'd share it with DH when you're together. He might have a clue who's out to get him. (Whether you then continue to do a bit of quiet sleuthing is up to you.)

Ledwood85 · 30/05/2025 13:23

"Trust your gut" is an often-used phrase around here that is notable for its absence in this thread.

Is that because in this instance, OP's gut is telling her that this situation is a complete load of malicious bollocks?

GiveMeSpanakopita · 30/05/2025 13:24

ShesTheAlbatross · 30/05/2025 13:15

Yes, you can save a number as any name - I have plenty as eg “Anna - Amy’s Mum” for DD’s friends’ parents.

If I was having an affair, I wouldn’t start saying things like “nite” where I normally say “night”. That doesn’t ring true.

Show quote history

My sister's ex had a whole other phone and online google, whatsapp, etc accounts so he could carry on his affair. As the OW was far younger than her (and him), he adopted stupid Gen Z text speak (babe, nite, BAE, emojis galore) to try to 'fit in' with her generation.

Wednesdayisme · 30/05/2025 13:24

Cornflowers35 · 30/05/2025 13:21

My exh would have fallen in the camp of never in a million years.

He was cheating with all and sundry.

He worked with the main OW. But I actually caught him on the phone with (in our house.) (They were / are school teachers).

She was married as well. With a very young dc that she would presumably leave with her DH to meet up with my "DH".

He hooked up with her Her predecessor (at the school) at a Xmas party. She had a partner as well.

He would meet up with the OW at the gym.

And he even took her to a fancy spa (whilst claiming he couldn't afford to contribute to things for our DC.)

There was at least one other "confirmed" OW.

But he was in touch with multiple others.

(Even after we separated, and he was "seeing "the OW - she I would imagine was the only one, there were so many others.)

And whilst I can't prove this one, I suspect he was involved with a family member - his not mine.

He was incredibly secretive with his phone.

He also had multiple accounts on dating apps. One not in his actual name. This was early on in his marital extra activities.

His friends knew as well. He would go out every Saturday "to see" them. And then meet up with multiple women.

Once I caught him in the act, I uncovered so much.

That's awful, but for him to be seeing multiple I bet a fiver he's still at it. You had lucky escape there!

Muggytoday · 30/05/2025 13:25

I don’t think it’s a scam if someone used his actual name and now there is a photo of him too. Second phone?

Also a conference is the ideal place to conduct an affair. People like a drink and a get together in the evenings and go back to each other’s rooms.

Sorry anyway op, hope you find out the truth.

OVienna · 30/05/2025 13:26

This feels like a scam to me.

chachahide · 30/05/2025 13:27

With these I just don't know why someone would bother?! I told a friend she was being cheated on, she didn't want to believe me and we don't speak now. I had firm evidence as I had spoken with the other party! alas.

People don't want to believe these people so err on the side of not believing. But I reckon 90% of the time they're genuine. I guess you wait and see if there's any further evidence, this could be one of those rare times it isn't true.

OVienna · 30/05/2025 13:28

The key thing is does the photo appear elsewhere on his SM/in the public domain? Is the sort of thing that coudl have been taken at an event where a lot of people were as well and his picture is, for example, edited down?

Bumblingbee101 · 30/05/2025 13:29

I wonder if they have the wrong number? Have they revealed anything personal apart from supposed photo. Could that photo of him be taken from Facebook? Hope you are okay OP.

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