Random message saying DH affair

[basilbush]

Hoping for some advice here

Background-been with my DH 19 years, married 13 with two young children (nursery and reception).

I would say we have a happy marriage and solid family life. We rarely argue, spend time together and mostly manage to be respectful and have fun. We are intimate fairly regularly with no issues there (that I’m aware of).

So now to the weirdness. Yesterday afternoon I got a message on WhatsApp. It’s from a number I don’t recognise and the contact card photo is a flower so not identifying. The message said my DH (used his name) was cheating on me, had been going on for 6 months and I was naive to think my marriage was happy.

i haven’t replied. I’m not sure what to say and it’s knocked me for 6. I know you read posts from women all the time where they can’t see what’s right in front of them but I honestly don’t believe it. I don’t believe he’s capable of it-nor has he really had the opportunity.

He has recently started going to the gym and got fitter but we’ve both had health scares and it ties in with that.

Im not really sure what to do. I was going to just ask him outright (he’s away with work and back later today) and say I’ve got this weird message but it seemed so ridiculous to even ask him.

And being away with work isn’t a red flag-he’s sent photos of the conference, we faced timed last night and he rang me when got back to the room. First time he’s stayed away for a work thing in a year.

sorry, this was long and rambling!

Is the photo of him one that is on social media such as FB or a work portrait? I would be suspicious if it is a selfie you have never seen.

Since your DH is away from home and possibly unaware that this person has contacted you ( if there is an affair) I would be doing a little bit of snooping.

You don’t have to accuse him of anything at this stage just do some research.
Like you, when my DH embarked on an EA, I really believed that he was not capable of anything, it was during lockdown. But it took very little digging to find evidence because DH knew that I trusted him. Fool.
It was all virtual but still devastating. We have moved on, but it took a long time.

He may not have actually done anything yet and men really don’t consider online flirting as a problem but of course women have a different view.

It is possible that it is a scam but you may never know if you talk to your DH without first doing a bit of digging. It can eat you up not knowing the truth.

Check bank statements, credit card statements. Check jacket pockets, gym bags, the car.

coukd he be having an affair with someone at work? / gym?

@basilbush I think you have to tell him. It's either true or it's a scam/he's being targeted for some reason. My first thought was is he a teacher but I see he mostly WFH. I'm still wondering about lecturer, etc. Does he have a role where he is in contact with young adults etc? Are you aware of any scenario where he could have pissed someone off recently? Has there been anyone at the gym behaving oddly that he may on reflection think this is really weird? Or he was afraid to say? It may sound like I'm clutching at straws - and I could be wrong of course - by my antennae are going off here.

Y

Doesn't sound like a scam to me if the first message used his name.

I also wouldn't be confronting him yet, I'd do some snooping first.

Full disclosure, I've had an affair and it's not as difficult as you think it is to find the time to meet up. Or hide things.

I echo what a PP said - show it to your DH. My gut feeling is that this is a prank or a phishing attempt, like Facebook bots, and he needs to know if he is being targeted.

If on the off chance it is true, though, his reaction is likely to tell you a lot.

Also @basilbush how would they have your number? That is so weird.

The photo is the key thing - does he have that photo on any other social media, on a works website?

You can save anyone's name as anything. So I could save a second phone as @basilbush's DH and then send myself messages pretending to be him.

However, I'd have to get the profile pic from somewhere. If it's one that's public then that's one thing, if it's not then there's a chance it's him on second phone.

You need to speak to your husband! Ignore the messenger for now, don't give them any power.

Having a photo of him and messaging you absolutely says it's someone that knows one or both of you though.

Do you have your phone number on Facebook or anything (a crazy number of people do!)?

Imagine your partner being this insecure and fragile that a text from a random and clearly malicious person instantly leads to the conclusion the partner is guilty.

Yes people can cheat who you wouldn't believe in a million years but equally (and MN has proven it) large numbers of people look to break down relationships, poison DC/family against friends/partners and cause untold damage due to jealously, bitterness etc etc.

However, if this is your default position in a relationship with zero cause for concern (until this text came through) it's pointless even being in a relationship.

Language use can change. I knew something was up when his texts to a certain work colleague were all ‘hey’ and multiple ‘!!!!!!’ and stupid emojis. He basically never says ‘hey’ 🙄 and she was the only one that got ‘hey’ or ‘hey you’ as that’s how she would start her messages ‘hey you!!!’ 🙄🙄🙄 (never ever said that to me ever)
That was my red flag. That he was using a completely different ‘super casual’ way of communicating. It was all just low level flirty and led by his stupid ego and got nipped in the bud as soon as I cottoned on and he then moved jobs…and he’s realised since he was an absolute prick at the time and I have forgiven him as it was a short blip
during a tough time…but - yeah - that gave the game away for me. That he changed his style to fit with the 30 year old (he’s nearly 50)

It's almost certainly a scam. There's no real evidence, just stuff that the scammer could have got from social media (including the husband's name). I reckon we could 100% tell in an instant from screenshots.

Those who think it's a scam, what do you think the scammer is trying to achieve? Scams are normally about money. Nothing about this says scam.

I agree with ignoring the messenger. I'd have to follow him to the gym if it was me.
Or hire a detective.

But if you can tell if he's lying then tell him.

@Angrymum22 yes I’ve experienced similar too from an incredibly unlikely DH . Like you I honestly think some idiots do act totally out of character ‘for entertainment and an ego boost ‘ at a bored point in life and think it doesn’t count if nothing physical has happened - I would also be going through bags, jackets, any bank statements or credit card statements, bedroom drawers that are just for him etc - it may just be baloney from a scammer or malicious person but it may not be -

This sounds to me like a malicious prank or a scam
My money is on the first one.
Has he pissed anyone off lately, or knocked someone back who tried it on with him?
I'm no expert, but if there was something going on, surely his behaviour towards you would change.
I would do some digging before confronting him.

It's positive that he doesn't write like that. Sorry you are going through this.
Could he be leaving his phone in a locker at the gym and going elsewhere? Could he have another phone with a different WhatsApp account?

Where is the photo of him from? I’d give some thought to what level of closeness someone would need to have to him to get that photo. Is it one that’s publicly available on social media? Is it from his work website or Teams? Is it an old one from 500 years ago? Is it one from a recent trip that only people he’s Facebook friends would have? Is it one his best mate took of them, but isn’t on social media so only friend and his partner would have.

This doesn’t sound genuine. Because unless your Dh is 19, he’s unlikely to start talking like a teenager. But my worry would be how close this nutcase is to one of you to have his name and a photo, unless it’s an obvious photo screenshotted from his public LinkedIn which is also connected to yours, for example.

And how would they have your number?

@ShesTheAlbatross yes, it’s things like ‘nite’

There are 3 things that make this ‘proof’ dodgy as fuck.

1. all the messages were sent this morning-very convenient
2. The text speak ‘nite babe’ isn’t how he types
3. The overuse of emojis and slang like ‘bae 🩷’. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know what that means!

A scan would be trying to get money out of OP; I don’t think it’s a scam. That’s not to say that it’s true and isn’t malicious, but this isn’t a random scam and is targeted.

Definitely do this

@basilbush You could try stalking though a different app, like Snapchat for instance. If you have the number of the person you messaged stored in your contacts, you can either search by number (although some people have this turned off), or sync with your contacts. Which can pull up a name.

It must be someone you know or someone who got your number from someone else’s phone.
The WhatsApp messages you were sent could be fake, is the photo of H, one he has on social media?
Have you noticed anyone you know being passive aggressive or off in some way?