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Original poster

Random message saying DH affair

1000 replies

basilbush · 30/05/2025 11:29

Hoping for some advice here

Background-been with my DH 19 years, married 13 with two young children (nursery and reception).

I would say we have a happy marriage and solid family life. We rarely argue, spend time together and mostly manage to be respectful and have fun. We are intimate fairly regularly with no issues there (that I’m aware of).

So now to the weirdness. Yesterday afternoon I got a message on WhatsApp. It’s from a number I don’t recognise and the contact card photo is a flower so not identifying. The message said my DH (used his name) was cheating on me, had been going on for 6 months and I was naive to think my marriage was happy.

i haven’t replied. I’m not sure what to say and it’s knocked me for 6. I know you read posts from women all the time where they can’t see what’s right in front of them but I honestly don’t believe it. I don’t believe he’s capable of it-nor has he really had the opportunity.

He has recently started going to the gym and got fitter but we’ve both had health scares and it ties in with that.

Im not really sure what to do. I was going to just ask him outright (he’s away with work and back later today) and say I’ve got this weird message but it seemed so ridiculous to even ask him.

And being away with work isn’t a red flag-he’s sent photos of the conference, we faced timed last night and he rang me when got back to the room. First time he’s stayed away for a work thing in a year.

sorry, this was long and rambling!

OP posts:
EdnaTheWitch · 30/05/2025 21:47

Gobsmacked that someone would do this. But love that you and your husband are dead together on this…it’s refreshing, especially on mumsnet!

MyRootinTootinBaby · 30/05/2025 21:50

I’m torn between staying silently dignified, and winding her up and getting her to trip up while she’s had a drink. So did you ring her from your husband’s phone? Does that mean she has his phone number now?

Snazzysausage · 30/05/2025 21:51

What about a neighbour ? Anyone who would know bits about about your life,enough to be on the money with when you're doing separate things?
Can your husband think of anyone he's had a friendly natter to while putting bins out or has he helped any lone women neighbours with odd jobs? Someone has clearly decided your husband should be with them not you. Odd and upsetting.

GarlicMile · 30/05/2025 21:51

Could you try putting the number into Facebook

... has become the new "Cancel the cheque, OP!"

😂😂😂😂🙄😂

AlexisP90 · 30/05/2025 21:51

Oh I had a thought

"You only got to where you are by being a slut" actually sounds more like a husband or wife of someone you flirted with/had a romantic interest or potential or they thought that with/engaged in some kind of way at work....

Blackdow · 30/05/2025 21:53

Is you phone number public anywhere? On your Facebook or LinkedIn or anything?

Because, they’re messaging you not your husband. It has to be someone who could get your phone number, so a friend of yours instead of someone he works with or something.

Backtoblack1 · 30/05/2025 21:55

Sounds very malicious!

FloweringAnnual · 30/05/2025 21:59

Please log it with police, and disengage. There is a real person behind the language games. Who knows what they'd do.

I'd speak to my line manager and reception or security at work, too.

Bertielong3 · 30/05/2025 22:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Fleetheart · 30/05/2025 22:01

@basilbush,
so do you think it may be disgruntled colleague who didn’t get what they wanted when you backed the other guy?

AHickyFromKenickie · 30/05/2025 22:03

This thread, though 😂. OP has gone from not having the balls to respond to the first message out of fear of the response from the messenger …to her and her DP now sleuthing together about “whodunnit”. OP, you’re convinced you’re husband isn’t having an affair. Job done. End of. You’re happy.

Stop trying to understand and subsequently, entertaining crazy people. The person you’re trying to out is winning right now, can’t you see? They’re causing chaos and you’re buying in to it…they’ll thrive on the fact that you’re trying to suss who they are. Thats how a psychopath works. They’ll enjoy that you’ve got a bee in your bonnet and they’ve destabilised your “ family bubble”…(albeit for an evening, depends how long you’re gonna let this hassle you).

just leave it. Let them chew on the realisation that you’re in a solid, happy marriage that can’t be rocked and you’re not interested in them or anything that they text you further.

THEY know (and always knew) your husband isn’t having an affair…THEY are enjoying that you’re wondering who’s doing this to you. They’re loving the chaos.

Block and delete the nutter.

paranoiaofpufflings · 30/05/2025 22:05

It might not be someone from work, but could well be someone very close to you who is jealous of your life. You don’t need to have done something to upset someone. It might be more that you have a happy family life and they don’t? A close friend, a sibling, sibling in law? Being unhappy in life can cause some people to go off the rails.

The baby shower - it’s not only those in the whatsapp group who know about it. You must have told other people you were going. Your DH will also have told people, in passing. (What are you doing this weekend? Wife is at a baby shower so I’m taking the kids to see my parents). Same with the partners of everyone else there. Your MIL will also have talked about it, just in passing (DIL was at a baby shower so son has popped over with the kids). More people know about your life than you ever realise!

purplepie1 · 30/05/2025 22:07

Add to Snapchat? Then see if their location is visible.

paranoiaofpufflings · 30/05/2025 22:07

OP, your thread is almost at the end. Start a follow on if you want to continue with the support, suggestions, and to let all of us nosy parkers know the outcome.

AlexisP90 · 30/05/2025 22:08

paranoiaofpufflings · 30/05/2025 22:07

OP, your thread is almost at the end. Start a follow on if you want to continue with the support, suggestions, and to let all of us nosy parkers know the outcome.

Please 🙏

TheHillsIsLonely · 30/05/2025 22:09

I don’t want to block as I’d like to try and find out who it is.
And to those who asked, my only single response was ‘prove it’. I haven’t bitten back again since

OP, having been on the receiving end years ago of a malicious false allegation of an affair, I know that it does happen, how awful it feels and what damage it can do. In my case it turned out to be a jealous junior female colleague trying to cause trouble. On the other hand, as most adult women with life experience know, some seemingly happy husbands are unfaithful and are very good at covering it up and bare-faced lying about it.

I wouldn't block this person. Playing devil's advocate, if your husband is having an affair, he would want you to block. I would want more information to help me try to find out who this person is, and whether or not s/he is telling the truth - hopefully not of course. I would go a little further with what you have already done. I would send the following:
I asked you to prove it but you have not done so. You need to send clear evidence, not information you could easily have faked or learned from my social media. You will have to do much better than that if you want me to believe you. Send me everything you've got, including all the dates, times and locations you were together, photographs of you together, how you have been contacting each other, and whether he has any distinguishing marks or tattoos. The ball is in your court.

Hopefully if s/he has been drinking it might work in your favour. More might be said than if sober and mistakes might be made.

user9578 · 30/05/2025 22:09

With any luck the person messaging will spiral if they're not getting any response from you. Might end up frustrating them and they'll message more and they may do something that outs themselves.

BusyExpert · 30/05/2025 22:14

I hate to say this but it does sound as though he could be having a fling and IMO this could well be with a work colleague who is at the conference
I hope I am wrong ..

Moonlightdust · 30/05/2025 22:17

@basilbush I had an idea. If you suspect someone in yours or your DH’s department, then on Monday try calling the number discreetly under your desk and look to see if you hear a phone ring/vibrate. Even if it’s on silent you may catch the culprit looking at their phone.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 30/05/2025 22:20

Tell them to stop contacting you and that you’ll be contacting the police if they don’t.

Apollo365 · 30/05/2025 22:20

TheHillsIsLonely · 30/05/2025 22:09

I don’t want to block as I’d like to try and find out who it is.
And to those who asked, my only single response was ‘prove it’. I haven’t bitten back again since

OP, having been on the receiving end years ago of a malicious false allegation of an affair, I know that it does happen, how awful it feels and what damage it can do. In my case it turned out to be a jealous junior female colleague trying to cause trouble. On the other hand, as most adult women with life experience know, some seemingly happy husbands are unfaithful and are very good at covering it up and bare-faced lying about it.

I wouldn't block this person. Playing devil's advocate, if your husband is having an affair, he would want you to block. I would want more information to help me try to find out who this person is, and whether or not s/he is telling the truth - hopefully not of course. I would go a little further with what you have already done. I would send the following:
I asked you to prove it but you have not done so. You need to send clear evidence, not information you could easily have faked or learned from my social media. You will have to do much better than that if you want me to believe you. Send me everything you've got, including all the dates, times and locations you were together, photographs of you together, how you have been contacting each other, and whether he has any distinguishing marks or tattoos. The ball is in your court.

Hopefully if s/he has been drinking it might work in your favour. More might be said than if sober and mistakes might be made.

This is perfect 👏🏼

AnotherNaCha · 30/05/2025 22:21

AlexisP90 · 30/05/2025 21:51

Oh I had a thought

"You only got to where you are by being a slut" actually sounds more like a husband or wife of someone you flirted with/had a romantic interest or potential or they thought that with/engaged in some kind of way at work....

Psychologically think this sounds right. And explains the nature of “your husband is cheating on you”

savethatkitty · 30/05/2025 22:23

Why would someone lie, what benefit do they get out of telling you this?

As others have said, I'd be asking for proof. Or, just do a bit of subtle digging yourself & see if anything crops up. For your sake, I hope it's nothing.

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 30/05/2025 22:23

As you suspect it could be someone at work, I would give your HR dept the heads up. This person could be causing other problems. They can't tell you if they recognize the number, but they could check themselves.

You've already been thinking who might hold a grudge. As this person may not be thinking logically, why not widen your 'net' and look at who has recently expressed some difficult life events. Occasionally other people with longer standing difficulties can become very jealous of others when life treats them badly. And I would also particularly focus on younger people due to language and tone.

MignonsMorceaux · 30/05/2025 22:31

Well done on keeping your powder dry. I think the less you'll engage, the more they'll end up giving.

I could think of a few people on the absolute fringes of my acquaintance that I could probably wind up with a few details (if I was a psycho) and no-one would know it was me. Keep on sleuthing! It may not come instantly, but it will, I have faith!

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