Random message saying DH affair

[basilbush]

Hoping for some advice here

Background-been with my DH 19 years, married 13 with two young children (nursery and reception).

I would say we have a happy marriage and solid family life. We rarely argue, spend time together and mostly manage to be respectful and have fun. We are intimate fairly regularly with no issues there (that I’m aware of).

So now to the weirdness. Yesterday afternoon I got a message on WhatsApp. It’s from a number I don’t recognise and the contact card photo is a flower so not identifying. The message said my DH (used his name) was cheating on me, had been going on for 6 months and I was naive to think my marriage was happy.

i haven’t replied. I’m not sure what to say and it’s knocked me for 6. I know you read posts from women all the time where they can’t see what’s right in front of them but I honestly don’t believe it. I don’t believe he’s capable of it-nor has he really had the opportunity.

He has recently started going to the gym and got fitter but we’ve both had health scares and it ties in with that.

Im not really sure what to do. I was going to just ask him outright (he’s away with work and back later today) and say I’ve got this weird message but it seemed so ridiculous to even ask him.

And being away with work isn’t a red flag-he’s sent photos of the conference, we faced timed last night and he rang me when got back to the room. First time he’s stayed away for a work thing in a year.

sorry, this was long and rambling!

You can search mobile numbers on Facebook I think.

But they also could have just got a random sim and connection to the Internet. It's not that hard to create a "burner" WhatsApp. I guess it depends how outing or spiteful they wanna be

But I know for sure the lengths people will go to shows absolutely no limits with this stuff

Are you replying at all or is all this coming on its own? If radio silence is what drives them nuts, do it.

Gosh, what a day! I'm following with interest op. It's all very odd.

Tell them you confronted your husband and he admitted everything. Say you had a row and pushed him down the stairs. Tell them he's lying at the bottom of the stairs, dead.

Tell them the police are on their way. Tell them the police would rather your mystery person comes to yours to interview you both together. If not, they have traced the number and will be calling at his/hers later in the evening.

If this person really has been on the wine they'll be mortified at this turn of events. They might even come to your house where you and your husband can greet them, laughing.

Have you got a nice life? From the off this sounded like someone whose motivation is to punish you for it and destroy it. They seem to hate you.

They are beyond poisonous and I think they are consumed with jealousy of you. Your DH is not the object here.

Can you think of anyone from any sphere of your life past or present who has shown antipathy? Alternatively could your DH have rebuffed anyone, perhaps without even clocking their interest, - by bringing you into the conversation when they were trying to flirt for example. I used to struggle to distinguish flirting from friendliness. I was at a single sex school until I was 15. It’s very disturbed. Poor you.

Oh my gosh this took a turn...!

But also... not the worst idea to be fair 😆

I’m invested in this…! 😀

If I was sure he wasn’t doing anything I’d probably just send some sarcy response like a yawning face just to enrage them more 😂

I don’t know how you can keep your curiosity at bay - you’re a cool customer @basilbush

You ask why that photo, etc. My suggestion is to try and make it harder for you to work out it is her. Is it possible she has a crush in your dh? Is jealous of you? Thinks you've done something and wants to cause you pain?

Wow they sound deranged, it’s definitely about you rather than him, so i would start with that to try and solve who it is.

Anyone pissed off with you at work? Have you been promoted recently? It sounds like someone really wants to upset you but they aren't particularly smart or may just be young. I'd be messaging them to call you and speak or to fuck right off that you don't have time for their childish behaviour because husband is waiting to take you out before coming home for a really good time together. It's nasty but they can only hurt you if you allow them to but I know the curiosity would drive me demented. Mind it does show some of the dangers of posting so much on social media, I've an old school friend (haven't seen her in about 20 years) and I reckon I could put together a very good time line of when her husband would have been without her going back years, every thing from a walk in the park to a flower being planted in her garden is posted for hundreds of 'friends' to see.

Does your dh's personal trainer (male or female) have a thing for him?

Whenever I want to figure something out I start with factual evidence and then add my gut. So, in this case- write down everyone who knew about the things mentioned in the messages. Look at previous text messages to see if the speech/writing patterns are similar to anyone you've communicated with before - do they capitalise certain words for example, or use specific phrases etc. Every single thing this person has written gives you a clue about what kind of things are on their mind- they mentioned work for example, so is there anyone at work who also knew about the baby shower etc Write down all the facts.

Second- Once you have the actual facts - over lay this with your gut feelings. Dont think too much about this- go with your first instincts as to whom your gut tells you it might be. Facts plus instincts usually always gives me the answer.

Gosh - what an intriguing mystery. Some years ago, and several years apart, I was the subject of poison pen letters sent to my business partners. The senior partners dismissed it but my curiosity was piqued and eventually I worked out who it was (there was some poorly executed punctuation which was replicated in a LinkedIn profile - when confronted the perpetrator admitted it). My satisfaction in solving the puzzle was short lived and ultimately it poisoned the well - I left the business I’d spent decades building, but over the last 12 years I’ve grown, had experiences I’d never had had and watched with glee as the business I was bullied out of experience a slow death. Karma is a bitch - OP I hope whoever put you through this gets their comeuppance.

@basilbush when someone messages you on what’s app, who’s number you don’t have as a contact, it usually says that persons name? Or whatever they have their what’s app name saved as. What came up when they messaged you?

You could also try and do google image reverse on this persons what’s app picture and see if that image is on any of her other accounts. In these scenarios it does usually turn out the husband has been up to no good however I think this sounds more like it’s an issue with you?

@basilbush id actually reply and say . He has admitted everything says it was only easy sex . Won’t tell me who you are as he is too Ashamed .
Mix and insult with wine and i am sure you will find out who she is and all you need to know if he has been messing around .

How is husband behaving ? Is he acting off at all ? Over invested in trying to come up with a a “who is this person causing trouble “?

I also agree with all the people saying a work colleague or someone from your past. People really do hold grudges for all sorts of petty reasons. Someone knew you were not together that day. Maybe a wife/ husband told her husband/wife in passing who knows one of you and one of you got a promotion over them once. Or annoyed them at work or a social event...

Affair is the easiest way in.

What do we know. We know they know his name and that you were st the baby shower. Ok. Who knows that. Absolutely everyone who knows that. Your neighbour? Your aunt?

List Absolutely everyone who could have known. Go through them. Anything? A small argument once? A spicy work email trail?

I am here. With a wine. On Friday night. And I am here all the way. We gotta solve this gang

This happened to a friend. Her devoted, loving husband denied it and she put it down to a random troll. He would send her photos of where he was too. Three years later three more women contacted her to say he was cheating with them. Turned out he had been going to things he said he was, but with OW.

So invested. Also what a madness the lengths some people will go to!

This person sounds unhinged. There are people like that out there. Do you think it's someone that's jealous of you?

OP you should get a MN person or a friend or someone you know to message or call.

Just to see if they would give anything away. The can pretend to be a friend or a takeaway service or something just to give some info

This is someone who actually knows very little about your life.
Doesn’t know your DH well enough to know he wouldn’t use bae and nite.
Doesn’t know more than two publicly available moments he wasn’t at home.
However, this person has or can access your phone number.
They have a short temper.
They are erratic.
They are probably not working or commuting on a Friday.
And it sounds like they might not have young children (otherwise they’d be distracted).

Does that help narrow the pool? Could it be a neighbor, past or present? An ex babysitter? An ex secretary or PA?

Are you sure this person hasn't recognised themself as the subject of this post on mumsnet and found out about your work info from things you have posted here?

If they know you and have evidence they would have sent it.

It could be a random dial from a scammer. Scammers want to find out if a number they dial is live, and if the person will respond. Don't let them hook you and don't reply.

Sorry haven’t read the whole thread so someone may have already suggested but can you save the number under any name as an actual contact in your phone- not WhatsApp- then properly close all social media apps then check for example facebook friends suggestions from phone contacts. If their number is linked to their social media it should pull them into that list. Just a thought!