Random message saying DH affair

[basilbush]

Hoping for some advice here

Background-been with my DH 19 years, married 13 with two young children (nursery and reception).

I would say we have a happy marriage and solid family life. We rarely argue, spend time together and mostly manage to be respectful and have fun. We are intimate fairly regularly with no issues there (that I’m aware of).

So now to the weirdness. Yesterday afternoon I got a message on WhatsApp. It’s from a number I don’t recognise and the contact card photo is a flower so not identifying. The message said my DH (used his name) was cheating on me, had been going on for 6 months and I was naive to think my marriage was happy.

i haven’t replied. I’m not sure what to say and it’s knocked me for 6. I know you read posts from women all the time where they can’t see what’s right in front of them but I honestly don’t believe it. I don’t believe he’s capable of it-nor has he really had the opportunity.

He has recently started going to the gym and got fitter but we’ve both had health scares and it ties in with that.

Im not really sure what to do. I was going to just ask him outright (he’s away with work and back later today) and say I’ve got this weird message but it seemed so ridiculous to even ask him.

And being away with work isn’t a red flag-he’s sent photos of the conference, we faced timed last night and he rang me when got back to the room. First time he’s stayed away for a work thing in a year.

sorry, this was long and rambling!

This is someone with a grudge. I agree with others, the pool of possible people could be wide. Friends, colleagues/partners of these people on both sides. The grudge could be against either one of you ior even both. You both need to think, has anything happened within the last 6 months, no matter how small? Why say this now?

Sounds like an envious attack to me. Someone who envies your - position/ power at work? Relationship? Doing an incredibly bad job of trying to have you question it.
I think you’re managing it brilliantly as the best way to respond to this sort of envious/?narcissitic? behaviour is to grey rock it.

Save the weird persons phone number into your contacts on your phone with an obvious name like ‘scammer’ then sync your contacts with every single social media you have.

most people are stupid and will use numbers linked to themselves or family members (like kids!) to enable two factor authentication.

it’ll either show you who this person is. Or it won’t. But you won’t lose anything from trying.

From your last update it sounds like it’s someone you work with maybe? What’s the setup like there? Do you talk to many people about what you’ve done at the weekend or have colleagues on SM? I’d play along and ask for more proof, maybe go down the route of saying you’ve kicked him out and hope they’re telling the truth. And then pay very close attention to who is paying attention to you when you’re back in!

Sounds like likely one of your colleagues/ex colleagues OP! Anyone you got promoted over? @basilbush

You could also do it with your DHs phone.

in fact I would also, just in case they’ve blocked you or he’s saved a potential affair partners number under another name.

but do it to try to figure out who it is.

"Affair" is the easiest angle to get in and cause upset/disruption in someone's life.

It could be so many people. Who knew you were alone at the baby shower. Like who feasibly could have known. If you're mum knew for example did she mention it to anyone? Did someone's wife/sister/brother mention it to their spouse/sister/wife?

I would sit and think about your circle. A work colleague he's had a spat with can they be linked?

I would he doing a whole fucking diagram at this point

So who do you know at work who would writes texts using that kind of spelling and using words like bae?

Sorry if I have missed this, what is your line of work? Are you a teacher? Could it be a student with a grudge? Hope you get to the bottom of it.

Ooh this is a good suggestion!

OP- I think you are wrong to count out this old friend just because it doesnt "make sense". What you are forgetting is that you are looking at this scenario through the lens of rationality and sense. The person sending these messages is not rational so they dont see the world in the same way you do. Their mind is clearly a chaotic mess of drunken boiling resentment right now, which is why the messages are getting nastier.

I've worked in psychiatry and you would not believe the weird things people do from their own internal motivations that make absolutely no sense to anyone else but perfect sense to their irrational minds.

The fact this friend has both the baby shower and the other social event in common (both mentioned in the messages) mean logically she could easily be the perpetrator. You have absolutely no idea what is in her head or what kind of mental health challenges she may have faced- perhaps she was always jealous of you and bitter that you had "more" in her mind. Perhaps she fancies your husband and is at a sudden low point in her life and envy is rearing its head again and focusing her hatred of her own life on you and your husband. Perhaps she looked at a happy social media post of the two of you and for some reason fixated on it as the epitome of "unfairness" in her own mind- it could literally be any reason but remember that it doesn't actually have to "make sense" to you, it makes sense to her and thats why she's doing it.

I would be messaging this person telling them you will be contacting the police re malicious communications.

Well this definitely sounds as though the DH is innocent, at least.
More like someone who has a grudge against/is jealous of you, op.

Hope you get to the bottom of it soon, and it's a stupid teen rather than a malicious adult.

Just say 'while I feel real pity that you're actively claiming to be sleeping with another woman's husband and that this is your only entertainment on a Friday night, you've given us both a right laugh and some quality bonding time talking about who would be so bitter and jealous to be bothering with us like this 😂'. You have a nice life now, we sure will! 😍'

Wonder if there is in deed a Wagatha plan to be made here to catch the person out?

I would put the number into Facebook and se if it links with anyone’s accounts.

This person is clearly wanting to hurt you in some way. Could it be someone who your dh has maybe rejected at some point?

How strange, but unless you’ve really upset someone somehow, would there usually be this level of craziness and drama? It’s madness.

I’d guess it’s more likely that DH has played away - the extra gym time, the personal trainer, the conference away are such a cliché…

Horrible either way for you.

This might sound a bit of a long shot but, when situations like this arise, the culprit is usually right in front of your face.

Do you have a circle of friends you both socialise with? ..it’s not unusual for crushes to develop and perhaps the person has got carried away with their fantasy of being with you / your dp?

I’m guessing not many of your friends will have your DP’s mobile number. Ask the person to give you his number. If they do and it’s correct you will be able to rule out quite a few people but my guessing they won’t as they are trying to stir things up with you.

I guess you can go one of two ways OP. Reply telling them it's crap, block and ignore and move on with your life

Or, narrow down and hatch a plan to catch them out. But that would involve conversing with them more.

Totally up to you. If it was me, I would do the latter....

I think together we can all solve this tonight! 😂

I think whoever is doing this has nicked photos and event info off either DH’s mum’s Facebook or her mum if there’s a gran. It’s like how so called mediums get their info.

@basilbush any reason why you can’t just message all your contacts (you and DH) and ask “does anyone recognise this phone number…?” no explanation. Just ask the question.

Tell them to text him now. If they're having an affair as the person claims that should be no problem.

If it were me (and I'm over invested) but I'd be going through a list of work colleagues I also have on social media. I'd put money on this being someone from the OPs work- initially I thought crazy school mum. That's still possible I guess. I'd be exiting any what's app groups it's not absolutely necessary to be in it could be any crazy random.

The DH is a total red herring.