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Original poster

Random message saying DH affair

1000 replies

basilbush · 30/05/2025 11:29

Hoping for some advice here

Background-been with my DH 19 years, married 13 with two young children (nursery and reception).

I would say we have a happy marriage and solid family life. We rarely argue, spend time together and mostly manage to be respectful and have fun. We are intimate fairly regularly with no issues there (that I’m aware of).

So now to the weirdness. Yesterday afternoon I got a message on WhatsApp. It’s from a number I don’t recognise and the contact card photo is a flower so not identifying. The message said my DH (used his name) was cheating on me, had been going on for 6 months and I was naive to think my marriage was happy.

i haven’t replied. I’m not sure what to say and it’s knocked me for 6. I know you read posts from women all the time where they can’t see what’s right in front of them but I honestly don’t believe it. I don’t believe he’s capable of it-nor has he really had the opportunity.

He has recently started going to the gym and got fitter but we’ve both had health scares and it ties in with that.

Im not really sure what to do. I was going to just ask him outright (he’s away with work and back later today) and say I’ve got this weird message but it seemed so ridiculous to even ask him.

And being away with work isn’t a red flag-he’s sent photos of the conference, we faced timed last night and he rang me when got back to the room. First time he’s stayed away for a work thing in a year.

sorry, this was long and rambling!

OP posts:
Verydemure · 30/05/2025 19:55

ThatCyanCat · 30/05/2025 19:47

Yes but scams tend to be mass marketed. They are much more generic than that, at least initially. This level of knowledge of OP's life this early on suggests it's not a mass bot farm job. They akso usually send their dodgy links by now because the longer it goes on, the more likely it is that they'll be rumbled.

Show quote history

That’s a good point, but equally it would probably take less time than you or I spend on mumsnet!

I think these kind of scams have a higher success rate because they are targeted.

it’s probably quite hard to find enough gullible people to respond to a spam email to make it worthwhile.

being targeted is likely to be much more successful- you could get a few hundred quid for half an hour’s internet research

AlexisP90 · 30/05/2025 19:55

Also I would have thought if it was a scam they would have asked for some kind of money by now. They tend to work quite fast as to bit waste their time on a hopeless con

Original poster
basilbush · 30/05/2025 19:55

So we’ve gone logically through this and it’s definitely not a scam. It’s personal and aimed very much at me.

I have IG and FB but neither are public. But we found the image used for DH in WhatsApp in a profile picture id posted a couple of years ago for his bday. (I’ve now changed my settings so my profile photos are not freely seen).

Nothing was posted online about the baby shower and I wasn’t tagged in any photos for it. BUT I was added to a WhatsApp group to organise it and find a date that suited everyone. At this baby shower were some work colleagues of my friend who I’d not met before and one of them turned out to be a woman I went to college and uni with who I’ve not seen for c20 years. We had no great falling out, just lost touch. We had a good catch up and a chat about our dogs!

She is my friend on FB as I joined back in the day in 2007 when you added old classmates etc.

I’ve got another message from the supposed ‘other woman’ giving another time she was apparently shagging my husband and this one I did post on IG as I was having afternoon tea with a couple of friends.

Ive checked that old WhatsApp chat and this old college friends number seems to be still active and doesn’t match the number I’m getting messages from. However, she’s a significantly link as was at the baby shower (which wasn’t online) AND would have seen about the afternoon tea (which was online but only to friends).

She and I have no grudge but it seems to all link to her.

BTW when we rang the number it just rang out-didn’t even go to voicemail.

Gosh I’m exhausted from all the sleuthing we’ve just done over dinner.

We’re now trying to work out how to approach this

OP posts:
Apollo365 · 30/05/2025 19:56

AlexisP90 · 30/05/2025 19:52

Do we know it's a woman for sure though?

I've seen males (ex friends) do shit similar to this

Show quote history

Yes indeed! Could be either

Apollo365 · 30/05/2025 19:57

basilbush · 30/05/2025 19:55

So we’ve gone logically through this and it’s definitely not a scam. It’s personal and aimed very much at me.

I have IG and FB but neither are public. But we found the image used for DH in WhatsApp in a profile picture id posted a couple of years ago for his bday. (I’ve now changed my settings so my profile photos are not freely seen).

Nothing was posted online about the baby shower and I wasn’t tagged in any photos for it. BUT I was added to a WhatsApp group to organise it and find a date that suited everyone. At this baby shower were some work colleagues of my friend who I’d not met before and one of them turned out to be a woman I went to college and uni with who I’ve not seen for c20 years. We had no great falling out, just lost touch. We had a good catch up and a chat about our dogs!

She is my friend on FB as I joined back in the day in 2007 when you added old classmates etc.

I’ve got another message from the supposed ‘other woman’ giving another time she was apparently shagging my husband and this one I did post on IG as I was having afternoon tea with a couple of friends.

Ive checked that old WhatsApp chat and this old college friends number seems to be still active and doesn’t match the number I’m getting messages from. However, she’s a significantly link as was at the baby shower (which wasn’t online) AND would have seen about the afternoon tea (which was online but only to friends).

She and I have no grudge but it seems to all link to her.

BTW when we rang the number it just rang out-didn’t even go to voicemail.

Gosh I’m exhausted from all the sleuthing we’ve just done over dinner.

We’re now trying to work out how to approach this

Oh wow! Well done OP. I hope you’ve caught them

Verydemure · 30/05/2025 19:58

Apollo365 · 30/05/2025 19:56

Yes indeed! Could be either

Show quote history

Was just about to say the same! Your DH should think about his friendship circle

Calliopespa · 30/05/2025 19:59

basilbush · 30/05/2025 19:01

Thanks so much for the messages everyone.

My DH came home at 5 and pretty much as soon as he came through the door I went through it with him. Although I don’t believe he is cheating, I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to hide anything away.

I very much approached it with the attitude of ‘you will not believe what I’ve been sent’ and showed him. I didn’t want to string him along that I’d been sent ‘proof’ as his reaction would tell me what I needed to know.

I saw no trace of guilt on him at all. He was bewildered, confused and concerned that this had been worrying me and I hadn’t told him. He offered his phone freely and asked if I’d rung the number. I said I hadn’t and he suggested we ring it together. I purposefully did it from his phone and it didn’t come up with a suggested contact.

He then insisted I go through his bag and also offered me his work phone which also showed no trace of the number.

I was clear with him that I didn’t believe it from the off as when would he have the opportunity, forget anything else (I know others will disagree!). He then sort of had a lightbulb and got up WhatsApp messages between him and his personal trainer at the gym organising their sessions. He has definitely been going to the gym as I can also see on our account that we’ve been charged for the sessions (which I didn’t think to check before).

I can also see plenty of messages about the work conference in his team chat. He has a couple of others with people he works with - some are women-but they are mundane, boring organisational things and nothing that points to anything suspicious.

I know there will still be those who say ‘but…’…
I gave him no warning I wanted to chat so he didn’t have any time to hide things and his reaction was one of bewilderment and concern, then really wanting to find out who is behind this.

Im satisfied with our chat. We’re going to have some dinner now and then try and work backwards on who this can be and why. I’ve spent all afternoon thinking about how to approach it with DH and haven’t thought much about who it is so I’m switched gears now to focus on that.

I didn’t reply to anymore messages but got one more that simply says “well!!???” Which tells me it’s annoying them that I haven’t engaged…. So I will continue to be silent

How about “you’ve unwittingly given yourself away as having made this up.” And don’t say how.

Better than this malicious person thinking you’re in floods of tears…

Escapingagain · 30/05/2025 19:59

I was going to say it’s possibly someone who is jealous op. It definitely sounds like someone who knows you. I think you said you earn higher than dh etc. Could this person want what you have as you studied together in the past?

ThatCyanCat · 30/05/2025 20:00

Now my inner Poirot is wondering if it's some really elaborate bluff whereby someone is actually trying to get at your old college friend by framing her as an OW and troublemaker.

Butteredradish3 · 30/05/2025 20:00

Great job already. Not gonna lie me and DH would love figuring this out together and the stupid twat has only done something that will bring you both closer!

Verydemure · 30/05/2025 20:00

@basilbush its interesting she came to mind.

obviously, you could be wrong, but I think this is where gut instinct comes in- have you felt there was/is something ‘off’ about her?

but don’t rule out others.

try and keep the ‘OW’ talking. They’ll give themselves away at some point

MissMoneyFairy · 30/05/2025 20:00

Does their wattsapp accept a reply message from you, can you forward the msg to your husband and then block the number on your phone.

Apollo365 · 30/05/2025 20:01

Calliopespa · 30/05/2025 19:59

How about “you’ve unwittingly given yourself away as having made this up.” And don’t say how.

Better than this malicious person thinking you’re in floods of tears…

Show quote history

Love this 👏🏼🤣

SteerCalmer · 30/05/2025 20:02

HRTFT but am I the first person to say Wagatha Christie?

GingerPussInBoots · 30/05/2025 20:02

Did the prime suspect seem jealous of you op? How's her life turned out ?
Did she ask alot if questions ?

What does your gut say?

GrimTimes1 · 30/05/2025 20:02

I know you don't want to quiz your PIL but has your DH mentioned that they will confirm he was with them the whole time you were at the baby shower?

ThatCyanCat · 30/05/2025 20:02

I wonder if this is legal, whether it counts as malicious communication. This person isn't threatening you, but they are clearly trying to distress you with nasty, unsolicited, anonymous messages. If it is a police matter, they'd have better resources for tracing the texts. Or maybe I've been reading too much fiction.

RedRoss86 · 30/05/2025 20:02

In Ireland if you are dialling someone's mobile and press 5 after the '085/086' part of their number, you go straight through to their voicemail.
Eg if your number was 085 123 1234 you would dial 085 5 123 1234.

If you are in the UK, is there something like this?

Just as a way to try get to their voicemail and perhaps see if they have a name / message greeting.

AlexisP90 · 30/05/2025 20:02

If you think you have an idea of whonit is - Wagatha Christie this shit.

Post something that only they, or a few suspects can see with something like rare night out tonight with the girls!
Or something that indicates you aren't with DH. See of they bite and say anything about him being at his affair while you were out with the girls eg

Apollo365 · 30/05/2025 20:03

SteerCalmer · 30/05/2025 20:02

HRTFT but am I the first person to say Wagatha Christie?

I don’t think so sorry 🤣

Verydemure · 30/05/2025 20:03

Apollo365 · 30/05/2025 20:01

Love this 👏🏼🤣

Show quote history

Don’t do that yet, OP!!

keep them going for a bit longer- they might be enjoying the thought you are upset, but it’ll make it all the more enjoyable when you give the big reveal!

Apollo365 · 30/05/2025 20:05

Verydemure · 30/05/2025 20:03

Don’t do that yet, OP!!

keep them going for a bit longer- they might be enjoying the thought you are upset, but it’ll make it all the more enjoyable when you give the big reveal!

Show quote history

yes, now OP thinks they know who it is, I wonder if they could get the poisonous person to out themselves..

FumbDucker · 30/05/2025 20:06

@basilbush and Mr Bush 🤭 you need to remember there is nothing preventing you from messaging back

‘ok college friends name we know it’s you and have proof, this is pathetic’

If its her she will freak and likely incriminate herself further, if it’s someone else you will know from their response…

Apollo365 · 30/05/2025 20:06

It’s so bizarre. Can you think of an occasion at uni you might’ve upset them? Dated their ex or something?

AlexisP90 · 30/05/2025 20:07

But I would say OP don't discount it being a man... I've had someone try to ruin my relationship in the past with an evil plot similar to this (kept saying they saw my DP with a woman in his car kissing)

They were caught out ... as a liar. And they were a man.

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