Random message saying DH affair

[basilbush]

Hoping for some advice here

Background-been with my DH 19 years, married 13 with two young children (nursery and reception).

I would say we have a happy marriage and solid family life. We rarely argue, spend time together and mostly manage to be respectful and have fun. We are intimate fairly regularly with no issues there (that I’m aware of).

So now to the weirdness. Yesterday afternoon I got a message on WhatsApp. It’s from a number I don’t recognise and the contact card photo is a flower so not identifying. The message said my DH (used his name) was cheating on me, had been going on for 6 months and I was naive to think my marriage was happy.

i haven’t replied. I’m not sure what to say and it’s knocked me for 6. I know you read posts from women all the time where they can’t see what’s right in front of them but I honestly don’t believe it. I don’t believe he’s capable of it-nor has he really had the opportunity.

He has recently started going to the gym and got fitter but we’ve both had health scares and it ties in with that.

Im not really sure what to do. I was going to just ask him outright (he’s away with work and back later today) and say I’ve got this weird message but it seemed so ridiculous to even ask him.

And being away with work isn’t a red flag-he’s sent photos of the conference, we faced timed last night and he rang me when got back to the room. First time he’s stayed away for a work thing in a year.

sorry, this was long and rambling!

So many great suggestions here for trying to find the identity! I just wanted to add that if WAS the AP or a whilstleblower there’s no way they would be this cruel and callous in the delivery IMO.

This feels like pure malice against you OP. So I’d be looking closer to home..

@basilbush This sounds more and more like complete bollocks.

I wouldn't engage any further, nor would I block them. It'll probably drive them nuts knowing you don't even care enough about their outpourings to block.

Instead, I'd get together with my husband to try and find out who this is.

Have you got a trusted friend who was also at the baby shower who you might share contacts with and check the number this stuff is coming from?

There's been a range of responses though. It's not really true that everyone has replied that he definitely is guilty. Presumably OP was looking for people's genuine thoughts on the matter rather than everyone to say he's innocent or she would have said so

I remember something like this happening to my mother before the days of mobile phones, it came as a letter via post . Eventually it was found to have come from the husband of one of his work colleagues who had mental health problems and morbid jealousy. There was no truth in it. From your account OP I doubt very much that there’s any truth in this either.

I’m so sorry. That’s awful. Who would do a thing like that.

Is this baby shower post on your social media OP or is it locked down for only ‘friends’ - because this sounds like someone who has it in for you or your DH - I would ask him about anyone who he thinks it could be now - over keen colleague maybe? And have a think about your own friends too or anyone who was at that baby shower - I don’t think it’s genuine, I think it’s malicious shit stirrer - also where have you seen the photo before that is being used?

What an incredibly vicious thing to do to you. 🌷🌷

This is the thing - I’m a post grad eng student (PhD) and I definitely use ‘nite’ in texts to my kids and DH. So does my DH (company director)… but, like OP, I know my DH would not have words like ‘bae’ on his radar in any way at all so I am ambivalent, unless it’s a younger woman and he is mirroring her language (which would be very likely in a ‘newish’ romance). I think I, personally, would now be checking what time he arrived to collect the kids in March and I would NOT be able to resist asking whether my DH has any distinguishing features that only a wife or Gf would know about [though, I guess, even a tatt may be visible at the gym/in the showers?].

There have, but there have been a disturbing number which go out of their way to say that he is guilty even in the teeth of the evidence.

get you husband to ring the number and see what happens

No, what people are saying is that he could be guilty. Which he could. Why dismiss that fact without cold hard proof to the contrary?

I don’t spend my life guessing numbers and adding them to WhatsApp, to look at the photos.

Sorry, I don't understand what point you're making with this.

As for the rest of it, I suppose it's possible but if it's true, he's somehow been bright enough to get a burner phone, slip away long enough for a tryst while out for the day with his kids and parents and without any of them mentioning it to OP, and completely change his entire way of speaking on the texts to his lover, but still stupid enough to put his face on his secret WhatsApp account. If really doesn't seem likely and if it's true, I guess he'll be caught out some other way too because he really must be thick!

I guess you either have the baby shower on your socials or you may be mentioned or tagged at it and therefore they have found that to use!

I agree that if proof was that my husband used an emoji, nite, bae, babe etc I would actually just start laughing.

People aren't just saying 'he COULD be guilty', though. One poster in particular was saying that the overwhelming probability was that he WAS guilty and handwaving any evidence to the contrary as delusional naivete. I think that there is a strong element of misery loving company in some of these responses: women who have been cheated on not wanting to admit that not all husbands cheat, so they paint women who do trust their husbands as naive little fools just waiting to have the rug pulled from them. If I'm being charitable, I would say that those women just don't want others to go through the shock they did. If I'm being less charitable, I would say that it is sour grapes.

Yes, this sort of behaviour is almost as low as it comes. I would think lower of a person who sent this vs a person who was actually having an affair (although both are deplorable).

Random question I know but why do you use "nite"?

Most people seem to think it smells like bullshit.

I certainly do.

Well in my case, I've never been cheated on (that I know of), but I have cheated myself, with a married man. So I'm quite well versed with all the signs and tricks and whatnots.

I truly hope that OP is correct about her husband - but all I've said is that in her case I'd be doing some serious digging around and snooping before she lets on to him. Because IF (big if) he's cheating, he gets one whiff that she might know something, he's erasing all tracks. There's a few avenues to go down now but for whatever reason OP doesn't want to, and that's her prerogative.

Why give them the airtime?

Please don’t think he’s not had the opportunity. I used to work in a bar and our married manager would literally have sex with girls in the cellar next to the cans of tonic, and then his wife would sit and eat with him on break. They find the time. You need to establish if this is true, you can pay to find info on phone numbers on some websites, you can also try Facebook.

If you've cheated with a married man, then you can't get into the mindset of someone who finds cheating abhorrent, and you probably have a more cynical outlook than some: cynical is not the same as realistic.

When we were kids we used to go through the phone book and ring random people to wind them up. Of course technology now being what it is there are so many more ways to fuck random people off. I’d say some kids had spent a long time creating fake shit (possibly taking the numbers and photos from the phone/SM of someone known to them)? I m assuming the possibilities are endless (look at how vulnerable M and S have proved to be) x

Wrong thread

That's strange...who knew you were at the baby shower? Time for a night of detective work