Random message saying DH affair

[basilbush]

Hoping for some advice here

Background-been with my DH 19 years, married 13 with two young children (nursery and reception).

I would say we have a happy marriage and solid family life. We rarely argue, spend time together and mostly manage to be respectful and have fun. We are intimate fairly regularly with no issues there (that I’m aware of).

So now to the weirdness. Yesterday afternoon I got a message on WhatsApp. It’s from a number I don’t recognise and the contact card photo is a flower so not identifying. The message said my DH (used his name) was cheating on me, had been going on for 6 months and I was naive to think my marriage was happy.

i haven’t replied. I’m not sure what to say and it’s knocked me for 6. I know you read posts from women all the time where they can’t see what’s right in front of them but I honestly don’t believe it. I don’t believe he’s capable of it-nor has he really had the opportunity.

He has recently started going to the gym and got fitter but we’ve both had health scares and it ties in with that.

Im not really sure what to do. I was going to just ask him outright (he’s away with work and back later today) and say I’ve got this weird message but it seemed so ridiculous to even ask him.

And being away with work isn’t a red flag-he’s sent photos of the conference, we faced timed last night and he rang me when got back to the room. First time he’s stayed away for a work thing in a year.

sorry, this was long and rambling!

Read this.

www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-avoid-cheating-spouse-scams-burton-kelso-the-technology-expert-uhjoc

But I CAN get into the mindset of the OW.

And I CAN understand how on the face of it, it looks impossible to have an affair, or find time, or be where you say you are going to be but still conduct an affair.

So many people seem to think it's not possible. She/He's at work, she/he's at the gym, she/he's at the park. And maybe she/he is. Still doesn't mean someone isn't having an affair. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Nothing cynical at all. I am realistic. Look at the stats on cheating. It's not realistic to think that your partner will never cheat or that you can be 100% sure that they haven't/wouldn't.

I couldn’t see any financial motivation there - so what is the motivation behind this kind of scam?

If it's a scam, they screwed up because they sent the 'proof' without asking for any money.

They ask for money to show the proof.

How odd OP.

I would definitely ignore the messenger for now but I wouldn't assume no smoke without fire either.

It is of course possible that he's having an affair. If you let him know about the messages and he is then he will take extra cautions to cover his tracks.

I hope your gut instinct is right.

Your guilt over your past behaviour would drive this behaviour, which isn't a normal rational response. Like cheaters who constantly snoop on their partners phone.

Normal behaviour is to respond in a way that is equal to the credibility of the accuser and evidence. So lot's of red flags then yes do serious digging. A few texts from a malicious person with no evidence and shrinking credibility deserves all the digging OP has done so far.

I think silence is more dignified and will rile the nutter up more

Exactly, you said what I wanted to say much more clearly than I did. Thank you.

Quicker in a text form (predictive text offers nite after ‘ni-’), informal, whimsical?

‘Nite nite peanut 💤’ to my teens seems more mumsy than ‘Goodnight sweet child…’ We similarly say ‘luv u’.

It’s text. Often the receiver is watching the dots as you type so speed is important as it’s only a screen tap away from having an actual conversation. It’s an informal, shortform medium - unless you are my 84yo ILs who still text as though it’s a formal letter.

This is really horrible OP even if your husband isn't having an affair - because why would someone do this to you? If he's not having an affair then this is one sick person to be sending you these vile messages.

Hope you get to the bottom of it. But he definitely has had the opportunity, I’d have to check with MIL that he definitely went on the rain soaked walk with them and didn’t have to pop to the shops or whatever

Ah right, thanks. Should have read more thoroughly.

As he has no idea about this, his initial reaction and vibe should give you a good indication as to whether this is fabricated or not. So don’t give him any clues that you ‘need talk’.

Good luck, I sincerely hope this has a good outcome 🙏🏼

IMO anyone who sends anonymous communications is malicious.

But this sounds like a scam, and before long they’ll be asking for money for more proof.

I wouldn’t even engage with DH on this, I wouldn’t block them just because I would want to know where they’re going next with it, but I wouldn’t engage with them.

And anyone who thinks that people making up allegations for the hell of it isn’t common is absolutely wrong.

It doesn’t sound like a spam to me, but someone who is trying to cause trouble in your relationship. I hope you will work out who it is! Some people enjoy causing drama, maybe it’s someone who is jealous of you?

Ah - I am not an 84 year old IL but still don't text speak! I guess I am still texting or whatapping in a more formal style as my autopredicts don't give me text speak! I do stop short of yours sincerely 😂

I had something similar decades ago. It was a letter saying just ‘your husband is having an affair’. My immediate response was ‘someone is trying to hurt us’. He was in the room when I opened the letter and I shows it to him at once and believed him when he said he wasn’t. Like OP, there seemed no time when he might have had the time or energy to do anything like that. Apart from anything else we were dealing with a big issue with his health.
At the time I had a friend with severe mental health issues. She was quite envious of our seeming financial and domestic security and it tied in with other strange behaviours from her. Never any follow up.

I got a scam email saying malware had been embedded in my phone. Ih watched illegal perverted porn and unless I sent bit coin they would forward it to everyone on my phone list . If I contacted the police they would know and distribute it.

There's some sad sickos out there.

Ah this is horrible for you, OP. Hope you get to the bottom of it.

The conference photos could be red herrings

So could the gym and getting fit

As pps say, they have time, they really do

I would send back a laughing face. Even if it is true, they are being a cunt about it and trying to get a reaction out of you. Show you're not bothered.

People make up stupid stuff all the time, for no better reason than they think it's funny. Having said that, my best friend received an anonymous letter, words cut out of a newspaper no less, about her husband having an affair. He was the last man in the world you would expect it of, but it was absolutely true.

Sounds to me like someone you know has offered herself to him on a plate, and he's turned her down flat and rejected her advances.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and she's decided to exact revenge.

How creepy they know about the baby shower.