Random message saying DH affair

[basilbush]

Hoping for some advice here

Background-been with my DH 19 years, married 13 with two young children (nursery and reception).

I would say we have a happy marriage and solid family life. We rarely argue, spend time together and mostly manage to be respectful and have fun. We are intimate fairly regularly with no issues there (that I’m aware of).

So now to the weirdness. Yesterday afternoon I got a message on WhatsApp. It’s from a number I don’t recognise and the contact card photo is a flower so not identifying. The message said my DH (used his name) was cheating on me, had been going on for 6 months and I was naive to think my marriage was happy.

i haven’t replied. I’m not sure what to say and it’s knocked me for 6. I know you read posts from women all the time where they can’t see what’s right in front of them but I honestly don’t believe it. I don’t believe he’s capable of it-nor has he really had the opportunity.

He has recently started going to the gym and got fitter but we’ve both had health scares and it ties in with that.

Im not really sure what to do. I was going to just ask him outright (he’s away with work and back later today) and say I’ve got this weird message but it seemed so ridiculous to even ask him.

And being away with work isn’t a red flag-he’s sent photos of the conference, we faced timed last night and he rang me when got back to the room. First time he’s stayed away for a work thing in a year.

sorry, this was long and rambling!

Who else was at the baby shower? I can't imagine there are many people who would know about it but didn't go and whoever it is also has your number and knows your husband. There's a good chance it's someone who was there. Who's in both circles and could be deranged?

I guess it could be a scammer with access to your FB or Instagram who knows you were at Susan's* baby shower, but didn't know where your DH was.
The WA profile photo was likely taken from something posted on social media years ago, especially as you said it was old.

Unfortunately same here - my boss and another woman at work. Couldn't look him in the eye in the afternoons 😞

Why have a burner phone and still use a pic of yourself?

I’m not going to quiz my PIL. I have a rock solid relationship with them and I know they love and treat me like one of their own-they wouldn’t lie for my DH and I know they were dressed for the park when I dropped them off and were still drying off when I picked them up so I’m 99% certain he didn’t duck out for anything

Im not going to block the number as I think they are actually getting pissed off im not engaging and the more they send, the more I don’t believe them.

im going to pick up my eldest now from his half term activity and drop him off at my PIL too (they are having the kids for the night which was already arranged but now probably a good thing) and in a couple of hours will be with my DH and lay it all out to him.

i dont need to get my ducks in a row. I earn double what he does. He knows if he cheats, he’d be out and be a lot worse off. I’ve always made sure I’m financially independent. But I’m not really worrying about that as I think more likely we’ll end up spending the evening trying to work out who this is and what their motive it.

Neither of us have had any falling outs with friends or family

Will absolutely come back to this thread this evening with an update after having spoken to DH but I think I’m going to put the phone down now for a bit as it’s taking up headspace!

Not sure why @Piggled is getting grief. She's said nothing wrong! Completely agree that sometimes women are completely blind to it because they don't want to believe the worst.

Not saying, that OP's husband IS cheating but as Piggled has pointed out - where there is a will there is a way - and I speak from experience.

I'd have to reply to this. The fuckers will be currently thinking they've got to you.

Something like 'Thanks for proving this is, as I fully expected, bollox. The conveniently 'sent today' messages were clearly AI (DH doesn't know what BAE means, FFS. He can also SPELL) and I do know where he was while I was at the baby shower because I dropped him off there - he was with HIS PARENTS all afternoon, confirmed not only by them and ours kids but by his location service. Unless you're suggesting he's boffing his Mum? Nice try but no. Do fuck off, you enormous, desperate cunt.

Then block.

Interesting that they knew you were at the baby shower. An acquaintance? Or a SM contact of someone you know who has seen pics of the shower?

Is your DH hot, perchance?

Problem with asking ILs first is they will surely cotton on to the fact she is checking up on him and tell DH. That will be the first he hears of it and I think it’s best it comes from op.

I think it’s a troublemaker you’ve rubbed up the wrong way op. Or just someone who enjoys a drama and watching others squirm.

Is it you @Piggled ?! 😆 You seem pretty keen on it being “real!”

Exactly, practically salivating at the possibility and making up scenarios that are incredibly unlikely. I find that behaviour almost as distasteful as that of the person who sent the malicious lies in the first place.

I’m not going to quiz my PIL. I have a rock solid relationship with them and I know they love and treat me like one of their own-they wouldn’t lie for my DH and I know they were dressed for the park when I dropped them off and were still drying off when I picked them up so I’m 99% certain he didn’t duck out for anything

That's fair enough, however he may not have lied to them. I'm being open here saying that I had an affair. I used to sneak off on nights out with friends to meet up with my AP for 10-15 minutes. My friends never knew. They thought I was on the phone outside etc. They would never have suspected a thing.

I'm not saying he has done anything, I am saying don't take everything at face value.

I just see it happening all the time. Women in general don’t believe men capable of the things they actually do. They often cannot see a rational or irrational reason for why their DH’s would do it either, even when confronted with evidence. It’s because, in marriage, men create a high bar at the beginning by committing in this way, and women usually hold their DH’s to those expectations set out at the beginning - and rightly so.

A lot of the time, if faced with the evidence of an affair, women just don’t believe it because the OW is not what they imagined a rival or a OW would look like. Often the OWs are not jaw-dropping super models or high powered career woman. They are often the person who is most available at the time with the self esteem level to cram themselves into the window that the man is giving them.

so don’t be surprised if the language is different, or the OW accepts crumbs, or the OW is emotionally immature and has not strategically planned the “big reveal.” Anytbing is possible. Especially when men think with their dicks

My money is on some woman or women being jealous of you and concocting this nasty little scheme to cause trouble in your marriage.

Because she is clearly desperate for it to be true, even though it is vanishingly unlikely.

🙄 literally just pointed out an obvious fact that he could have a burner phone with a different WhatsApp account and that men cheat and that happens more often than random people having some kind of personal vendetta to the extent they would do this…

Drive to gym > put in locker > text OW from separate phone

I’d reply too. But much shorter and sweeter dismissive.

I wouldn’t share details of where he was that day etc.

put the number into Facebook

Now, I see the opposite, with the last message.

I just don't think that this particular story rings true.

Is the baby shower on social media, that's the question. If it is then they're just trawling your pages

Spot on, makes the most sense!

I'm thinking someone like the new hire (Vicky McClure's character) from "The Replacement" 😄

You can call their bluff and block them, or have some fun playing along for a bit - if you want to try to find who this is.

It sounds very unlikely that he’s having an affair. but I can understand it being unsettling for you.
I would not engage but also not block just in case….

Messages sound nasty, obviously it’s not someone trying to help you. See what H says about it all and his reaction.

I really hope it isn’t true for OP as I love how much trust she has in her partner. On here it’s often innocent before proven guilty!
To me this sounds like your BF or DHs BF wife has tried it on been rejected. Maybe he kissed back and pulled away and they are furious and humiliated so trying to make you feel like shite. Whoever this is isn’t a real friend the messages are gloating and quite rude anyone who cares about you would sit you down and tell u face to face. Very suspicious.

I wonder if it is someone junior at his place of work? Perhaps someone he has had cause to raise performance issues with and this is their foolish attempt to "get him back". It sounds immature and cruel and must have been prompted by something. At my place of work we've recently been through a lengthy and distressing termination of a junior employee who was causing serious problems and retaliated to a manager's kind and patient but firm attempts to deal with them by alleging an extramarital affair. All utter, unfounded b~ll~cks. And latterly it's also come out that this was not the first time this had happened with the same person

I hope you can get to the bottom of it @basilbush and that all will be well. x

It's 100% not someone 'helping', if it were to be true, I'd say the messages were the OW.