Random message saying DH affair

[basilbush]

Hoping for some advice here

Background-been with my DH 19 years, married 13 with two young children (nursery and reception).

I would say we have a happy marriage and solid family life. We rarely argue, spend time together and mostly manage to be respectful and have fun. We are intimate fairly regularly with no issues there (that I’m aware of).

So now to the weirdness. Yesterday afternoon I got a message on WhatsApp. It’s from a number I don’t recognise and the contact card photo is a flower so not identifying. The message said my DH (used his name) was cheating on me, had been going on for 6 months and I was naive to think my marriage was happy.

i haven’t replied. I’m not sure what to say and it’s knocked me for 6. I know you read posts from women all the time where they can’t see what’s right in front of them but I honestly don’t believe it. I don’t believe he’s capable of it-nor has he really had the opportunity.

He has recently started going to the gym and got fitter but we’ve both had health scares and it ties in with that.

Im not really sure what to do. I was going to just ask him outright (he’s away with work and back later today) and say I’ve got this weird message but it seemed so ridiculous to even ask him.

And being away with work isn’t a red flag-he’s sent photos of the conference, we faced timed last night and he rang me when got back to the room. First time he’s stayed away for a work thing in a year.

sorry, this was long and rambling!

If the picture is different but still your DH, entirely possible he has another number with another WhatsApp account you don’t know about.

Gosh, just reading through this now. How strange for you OP. I understand what you said about your husband, I feel the same about mine-however if I got that message I would HAVE to do some digging, for my own peace of mind. I wouldn’t tell your husband yet. Can you turn up at the gym when he’s there?

alternatively, if you do tell him, I love the suggestion of him ringing the number in front of you. Get it on speaker phone!

just to add…have you considered just calling the number yourself?

And being away with work isn’t a red flag-he’s sent photos of the conference, we faced timed last night and he rang me when got back to the room. First time he’s stayed away for a work thing in a year.

When did he go to the conference?

I find the timing interesting. He's away at a conference and you receive these messages during his absence.

In the past I had a friend who had a few affairs with married men, one in particular over a long time. She used to lie in his bed at conferences or hotels while he video called his wife to say goodnight. If the wife asked to see the room, my friend would go to the loo and wait there until the call was over.

so yes, some OW’s self concept is to be the OW. They are not necessarily trying to be with your DH, they want the indirect intimacy and adoration of being the OW. And the price to pay for that is to do (what looks like self defeating) things like hiding and sitting next to him while he calls you.

all that to say, don’t mistake things being “normal” as nothing having changed

Sorry To hear that and hopefully it is not true.
However, just in case it is true, get all your ducks in a row, before you confront him.

My first thought having read your messages OP was scam, fishing for data/money I dunno. I'd speak to your husband and show him the messages. Perhaps alert your phone provide just in case its something around data and trying to get sensitive data off your mobile. Of course your husband could be cheating, I mean don't rule that out, but it sounds like you have a fairly sold relationship.

You can use the image of him in the chat screenshot for a google image search. If they have faked the chat, then where the image appears online might give you an idea of where they know him from. For example, if they’ve taken it from an employers website.
Aside from that, the language in the screenshot and the messages sounds like you are being trolled by a teenager! Do either of you know any teens/immature adults who would want to cause trouble?

This happened to me. I received a message to say my ex was shagging someone else. I didn't believe it, as the only time he went out was once a week to a karate class. Turns out he was indeed shagging someone at the club! You'd think butter wouldn't melt in his mouth!

This is absolutely true. Please listen to this wise post.

I would call the number - call it from another phone or anonymise your own number first. I’d want to hear the voice.

I wouldn’t discount it over the text speak. I can text perfectly to one person and like a teenager to another.

I have my fingers crossed for you OP - not everything in this world is shoddy and crap.

Anything is 'entirely possible'.

The reality is scammers are rife everywhere on FB marketplace, Whatsapp etc.

This random texter could easily provide details to sway OP towards believing them. They could provide dates, times, places, intimate description (your DH has this tattoo, piercing, mole etc), things he may have let slip about his hobbies, job etc.

All it would take is one tiny bit of evidence like this to ignite paranoia in a good chunk of people into believing and investigating further. And yet OP has received this half baked BS.

I know you're aching for there to be something here to prove to MN you're a budding Miss Marple but the overwhelming likelihood is OP's instincts are correct.

I’ve had another message and this is definitely personal.

it says “need more proof? Try asking (DHs name) what he was doing while you were at (friends name)’s baby shower the other month.”

Well this was a baby shower in March for an afternoon. And I know exactly where he was-at his parents with our kids. I dropped him off there and picked him up after! They all went to the park together, sat in a cafe while it rained and dried off back at his folks.

I haven’t replied to either message. Im going to speak to DH as planned

Where would this person have got your number from?

If I got evidence like this I'd know 100% this wasn't my DH - like your DH mine wouldn't speak/ type like that in a million years!
People say trust your gut, yours told you it's BS 🐮 💩.
I'd be interested to know if it's a scammer or someone trying to cause trouble.

Cross Post with your update... sorry to hear it's someone you know. This is very unsettling, they're obviously out to cause trouble.

Well this was a baby shower in March for an afternoon. And I know exactly where he was-at his parents with our kids. I dropped him off there and picked him up after! They all went to the park together, sat in a cafe while it rained and dried off back at his folks.

Okay, so in this case - I would straight up ask his parents - was he with you the ENTIRE time.

He could easily be locking his phone in a gym locker so he looks like he is working out for a couple of hours...

Also, I worked with a guy who hooked up with woman during the working day... when he left the office for "meetings". Everyone knew... he had a picture of his wife and kids on the desk...

Playing devil's advocate here. I was unwittingly the OW and he would leave the office during the day to spend time with me. He would stay over at conferences and take me a long as his partner etc. They do find the time. His reaction will tell you everything I imagine. But as a pp suggested I would be calling the number from a different phone.

I’ve had emails and texts sent to me ostensibly from the “sender,” but I’ve immediately picked they didn’t write it themselves. Nothing as sinister as this, just examples like a friend who has asked her DH to send me an answer while she had her hands caught up with cooking etc, or a PA sending on behalf of.

I wasn’t even looking to question it and it stuck out. You can just tell. Tone and mannerism is the last bastion we have against AI and scams etc. It can be quite hard to emulate.

I suspect, therefore, you are right and it isn’t him.

I think now you have enough to confront him with. Show him “ his” messsges. If, in the unlikely scenario it is real, they are from him, it’s probably as much as you will get to make him feel caught red-handed. But I suspect he’ll be as confused as you.

It’s time to level with him now. He needs to know - wouldn’t you want to?

If you are satisfied it’s nothing to do with him, I’d also be inclined after that to quick fire a response : “no way my husband wrote that: he can spell” just to shut the communications down.

Ok OP... who in your circle is a loon with a vendetta?

I like the idea of asking about a tattoo. He has one on his back which never really sees the light of day. But I don’t want to engage to be honest

I would dig for more information, and try not to make your love for him blind, I think there is more to it, from a outside perspective, whoever it is, knows too much, has your number, has messages from him with a OLD picture, I don’t think the way the messages are wrote are a reason to not believe it, something is definitely going on, and all your husband will say is it’s somebody trying to cause trouble

Can you ask the parents an innocently question such as a lost toy was last seen on that day husband and kids visited when you were at the baby shower?

They could reply with something like ‘“oh David went out after you dropped them off…”

Just to play devil’s advocate again - I have known men having affairs to deliberately use different sorts of language in order to not be discovered and have their wives say it’s not them.

in fact, “nite” is a really common misspelling used amongst professional men who know how to spell.